Am feeling a little paranoid...

[Cashncarry]

when you get a text, it saves on your phone so even if you put another sim card in, it'll show up, right?

My DH did this to me. I was devastated but decided I loved him so much that I would see it as a stupid mistake, put it behind me and try to move on.

TBH the trust is still damaged and that niggling doubt will probably never go away. DH now accepts that if I ask questions or expect him to be open about his texts, e-mails etc, then he should have no reason to argue. And generally doesn't argue!

But now we have so many 'other' issues that I think things have been permanently damaged anyway.

Don't give up on this until you feel 100% happy you have all the answers you want and only then can you decide if you love him enough to carry on and keep working at the relationship.

Sorry, not much help. Just for you and wanted to say something.

cash - im sorry but it is clear he is messing about. only question now is what to do about it.

for you.

Thanks mylittlestar (cute name btw )

It is helpful to see that other people go through the same thing - I feel like such a nonce for not actually seeming to do anything about it. We do have sooo many other problems (as do most couples) but this is the one that's make or break for me.

It sounds terrible but I'm not staying with him because I love him - I'm not sure if I do or even what that really means

I'm staying because I made a commitment and had a child with him - I can't justify turning mine and my DD's lives upside down when I can't actually prove what he's done.

I can and will always challenge him when I feel like I'm being taken for a fool and I guess to him my strength looks like disdain and lack of feeling for him. On the inside, it feels like someone's punched me in the stomach every time I think about it...

Mytwopenceworth - I know

I've got a Plan B which involves setting up on my own in six months' time when I qualify and hopefully get a substantial pay increase.

I just don't understand why he's so willing to throw everything away over something so stupid. I think he thinks I'm the one doing the throwing away - it takes all my strength to be able to keep saying that this type of stuff is not acceptable.

I know that feeling like being punched in the stomach

It does tend to fade over time though. And you seem like such a strong person. I admire people like you who understand the commitment you've made by having a baby and want to do everything you can to stick by that (not like my dh who's just running away from it all at the moment!).

Perhaps if you really want to make it work you could look at your relationship in a bit more depth, what do you want from it and need from it, how can you get that? Are you attracted to him? Do you generally get on well? Will that develop into 'love' over time?

I always think that children will only be really happy if their parents are also happy. Only you know if you can be happy by staying together or if both of you will be happier apart. Difficult thing to think about I know, but it's worth asking yourself.

You sound very strong and you sound like a brilliant mum. Maybe you need to put yourself first too now, and think about what will make you happy

Thanks - I don't feel strong. Not to sound sexist but generally women are better at ignoring their circumstances and getting on with the job in hand! Most men I know are either the run away types or the ostrich type (stick their heads in the sand!).

I'm not being a martyr staying with him btw! He's the only guy I've ever really fancied the pants off and I doubt very much I would find that with someone else (not that I'd tell him that at the mo!). I do love him as the father of my child and as a friend. I'm just not sure that's enough.

I know it sounds twee and a bit vomit-inducing but now that I know I can't trust him with my heart, I'm just not sure I can truly love him. Also the thought of him actively chasing another woman puts me right off! I know it sounds a bit conceited but he should be chasing me FGS

I'm sorry I keep going on and on and on - it's just so cathartic to get everything down. It does feel a bit weird that I'm putting all my feelings into a public forum but hey, at least it's free - a counsellor would cost me a fortune

Mylittlestar - if you don't mind me saying, your DH sounds like an arse! Can't believe you're managing to offer other people advice while you're going through the mill yourself

Why was the phone still charged? Why did he still have the phone?!? And suspicious entries in his sat nav, that he didn't even try to explain? An innocent man would have told you who S was first, and (maybe) had a go at you afterwards. Though he shouldn't at all, given his past behaviour, he'd be daft if he thought you didn't have grounds for suspicion. The fact is, you caught your man offguard and he couldn't come up with an explanation quick enough. Your mind will never be at rest until you are sure of the truth, whatever that is. Don't tell him how and when you're investigating; just do it and then present him with the evidence. You could be more devious about contacting the (possible) other woman. I would be, and rather than phoning her up and showing all my cards at the off, I'd send a short text to her from the secret phone. Something like, "Hi, it's me, how are you?" and see how she responds. If he's not in touch with her she won't even know it's his number. If he is, she'll respond accordingly.

ooh, sneaky Tamzz but I like it!! I think I'd run the bloody phone over.... It would do my head in thinking that I was possibly being cheated on and that's no way to live your life without honesty.

Honestly Tamz - I have thought about doing that stuff. I've given serious thought to the idea of hiring a private detective, of pretending to be him calling her, following him etc. etc.

It's just not me. All that subterfuge and secret investigation - just seems so much effort for so little reward! Plus it's not really fair on any "other woman" - it's not her fault. She doesn't know he's married (he told me that). I don't really want to involve her. It's about him and me and it's about trust.

In other words, if he doesn't tell me the truth (and it'll be pretty obvious, that's how I sniffed out the other stuff) then I think I'll start making plans bring things to a close.

flog the phone on ebay, run over it with the car

stop giving me ideas people - I'm trying to move away from the nutter persona

There's NO WAY I'd let him keep it. Sorry CNC this all sounds very suspicious to me.

But what's the point in taking it away? Surely he can just get another one just like he's probably done with the sim card (he destroyed the old one last year)? I'll just keep having to check his stuff over and over again if I can't trust him and I just don't think my sanity can handle it.

Plus he'll have more ammo for saying that I'm "policing" him...

Yes I see your point. He's getting at you "policing" him because you obviously caught him off guard this morning. If he hadn't done those things in the first place you would not be feeling like you have to do that, so it's not your fault and I don't think you should feel guilty. The sad fact is I guess that for some people it takes losing (or nearly losing) what they have before they realise how precious it is. I feel for you and hope it all works out.

I am not very good with these sort of threads as sometimes its a bit too close to heart for me.

I will say one thing though always follow your instinct! Sometimes you may think you are being paraniod and more-so if someone is constantly telling you this. Trust your own instict about the situation you will find it is usually right.

Cashncarry you're so right - what's the point of all the detective stuff and all of that hassle as I agree, where will it get you in the end anyway?! If you genuinely feel like you can't ever trust him again then that's the whole point isn't it. You'll go mad if you try to live that way, always seeing if you can catch him out or if he's lying. I know how it can start to eat you up inside.

You're so right about the fact that he should be chasing YOU FGS!! That's exactly how I felt! Like why am I (your wife, lover, mother of your child) not as special as some random woman and why would he put more effort into chasing this random person than me!! We deserve more!!

But really I guess we do deserve more. And you're so right that my dh IS being an arse at the moment!
Although, I do still love him dearly and would like to get things back on track and I would love nothing more than to feel like I am the centre of his universe again.
But maybe if he can't make me feel that way then I need to find someone who can...

Easier said than done though hey

(Agree about the public forum thing too!! For me it's just nice to have people to talk to who understand and won't judge!)

whatever you do don't tell him you're going to ring the other woman. If he is cheating, and tbh from the evidence and his response I think he probably is, he will ring her first and they will collaborate to make you look in the wrong. If you ring her it has to be totally unexpected. If nothing comes from it then great, if she tells you what you don't want to hear you will have something to confront him with.

If you decide to end this relationship you can at least d it with your head held high.

Thanks bumblebee, mellowma - I appreciate you giving me "good vibes". Feel quite alone at the mo generally and it helps to have virtual friends who are ready to make me kick arse.

Wannabe - I'm not sure if I want to ring her. If I'm honest, I think it would just make it worse for me. Right now she's just some nameless person who's possibly the object of my DH's affection. Sometimes I think God maybe she'd want to know but then if she's been in contact with him since the "thing" started (more than 2 yrs ago when I was pregnant with DD) then surely she'd know he's attached by now.

I should have mentioned it's still a pretty big IF that he's actually having an affair. he's home with me every night, he hardly ever goes out, he deals with DD and gets her to nursery in the morning, he often cooks dinner before he goes to work, and calls me a gazillion times a day to moan about one thing or the other. I am about 85% (!) sure IF he's doing anything, it's text flirting because that's all he's got time for!

Mylittlestar - when you said "I'd love nothing more than to be the centre of his universe again" - you took the words right out of my mouth. I too am gutted that this person's getting everything I should be getting. I think it's great you're still willing to work at the relationship. Let's make a pact not to tolerate too much arsing about on the parts of our respective DHs - let's say, 6 months

Cashncarry, just wanted to check to see how you are now? Reading into what your saying; you are still in love with him....Do something..... Ideas???? I think you could write down all your feeling, just like you have here, then comes the crunch.....give him the letter, let him know how you feel, If you have been with him for along time, you have shared so much together. If you want honesty, you must ask for it....This is worth fighting for...I just gave up the fight... Please don't do the same, I am i'll right now, and have three young boys to look after on my own, it's not easy. I now know it is all down to me, I behaved selfishly, it was time I stood up for myself. But now, If I could go back in time and change things...I would not have made the same mistakes. Please take care of yourself first!!!

Cashncarry you're right... 6 months it is!

Do we have to keep this thread going for 6 months now!

Thanks for checking on me survivour! This is the first time I've been at the pc all day - we've been snowed in and the three of us have been home all day. I've hardly talked to him except to have a small row about the fact that he doesn't get up in the night with DD

I have tried telling him how I feel in a letter - many times! He's always sorry and always says he'll make an effort. Kind of feels like going round in circles. I kind of feel numb at the moment which is why I'm not bothering to talk to him about it. I feel like a switch has gone off inside of me and I can't seem to care enough to actually do anything about it this time. I just don't trust him so therefore can't face showing love just to get hurt again. I know what I'm risking by not showing my feelings. I could end up alone with DD but surely that's better than being with someone who cheats and lies?

I'm just going to put things on hold for the moment. I've got exams and work and DD and it's just too much to cope with trying to trust someone who's just keeps letting me down. If I mean that much to him, I'm sure he'll make the effort. If not, then I've not lost that much, have I?

Mylittlestar - please don't keep the thread going for 6 mths I'm embarrassed enough at spilling my guts! Hopefully we'll start new threads in 6 mths saying our DHs have had major turnarounds and are treating us like princesses

Cashncarry, I've only just come back to this thread..... I could have written your words... It was like I took a step back in time, like I said before I had just about had enough. Weeks became months, then years, I look back now and think, what have I achieved; Just my 3 wonderful boys. We can't change them, but we try all the same, they promise to try better. A couple of weeks later, and your back to square one. If you are not happy in the situation you are get out of it. I lost my brother in Sept, he was 44. He was the closest family member I have lost. He will not come back, there must of been things he was hopeing for, things he wanted to say and do.... Now it's too late. You take care of number 1, everything else will fall into place.. I'm just going off to cry again, it's may way of copeing at the moment...

I've just logged on again and seen your msg Survivour - please don't cry

Your grief from losing your brother must be so raw - it's only been a few months. How wonderful that you were close enough to him to think of the opportunities he may have lost and not just your own loss. I have never lost anyone that close to me (I am estranged from my siblings) so I can't imagine what you must be going through. Crying can be good and cleansing but is there someone (e.g. in your family) who you can talk to and share your grief with?

The other thing I wanted to say is that you mustn't think you wasted your life with your ex-DP. I don't know how long you were together or how much you had to put up with but you obviously put a great deal of effort into your relationship - that is to your credit. You tried for yours and your children's sake to keep your family together. Your effort in the face of adversity is your achievement, not just your bringing up three children (which is hard enough).

I had a long talk with DH yesterday (after another big row) and yes, I probably will find myself reliving this over and over again but I hope I never regret the amount of effort I am putting into this relationship. Even if we split up, at least I can never say I didn't try hard enough or maybe if I'd given him another chance etc.

I hope you feel better and start to see a brighter side to life. Do post and let us know what's happening - maybe you should start a thread if you feel you need support, especially re: the loss of your brother. I don't really have many people to talk things through in RL so have found MN incredibly helpful in that sense....