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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I trust my gut feeling about this guy

45 replies

smokeandmirrors999 · 04/10/2016 13:14

I've been dating someone I met from Tinder for a few weeks now. Our first date was very full on, he came on strong and professed his feelings for me and pushed for exclusivity very early on. I know this is a red flag of a player but I decided to wait and see how things progressed.

The problem is I can't seem to shake the feeling that he isn't what he seems

He repeatedly asks if I am still chatting to other men online and I reassure him but then there are times when he says he disappears, doesn't answer his phone and doesn't call when he says he would.

Last night for example, we spent the whole day together for the first time and he left early afternoon. He said he had to drop some things at his sisters house and he would call me when he was leaving and come over if it wasn't too late. I haven't heard from him since 6pm last night and his whatsapp shows he hasn't been on since 9pm.

This isn't the first time he has done this and flits between being really full on to going AWOL.

I feel quite disrespected that he couldn't even send a text to say he wasn't coming over.

I really do like him but I don't feel ready to be exclusive as there are certain things I expect from a relationship (such as calling when you say you will) but because it's such early days I don't feel able to pull him up on it.

Should I trust my gut or am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
everythingis · 04/10/2016 14:11

Sounds v ropey. You can either take it as the red flag it is or give him a chance after you have said 'flakey contact is not acceptable!!' And make h understand you will bum him if he does it again.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 04/10/2016 21:52

Trust your gut! I speak from experience. ended up spending the most depressing year of my life (so far) riding the crazy emotional seesaw that is otherwise known as Fancying A Total Arsehole.

Do yourself a favour and bin him off now.

TheNaze73 · 05/10/2016 07:51

I agree with all of the above. The mysterious, disappearing act is a pull/push male dating tactic, that is utter bollocks.
Kick him into touch

AnyFucker · 05/10/2016 07:53

Gut. Always.

Sierra259 · 05/10/2016 07:56

Yep, bin him. If he was as keen as he professes to be, he wouldn't be mucking you about.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/10/2016 07:59

He doesn't sound like a player, he sounds like a drama llama. If you ended up in a relationship with him it would be full of big declarations and big arguments.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2016 08:00

The lack of courtesy to let you know he wasn't coming over would be enough to not get serious.

0dfod · 05/10/2016 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoldarksBreeches · 05/10/2016 08:05

If you have to ask whether you should trust your gut I question whether you should be dating tbh

LesisMiserable · 05/10/2016 09:29

I would say nothing and effectively get on with your life and if he pops up again if youre free to see him - great , date him again if not thats fine too. You dont want exclusivity yet so its no skin off your nose is it. Let him come to you. If he doesnt so be it.

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/10/2016 09:31

You don't even need us to tell you do you? I mean really? You know the answer to this.

Myusernameismyusername · 05/10/2016 09:32

I also wasted time with one of these and it's no fun on that roller coaster. Tell him you want to rip that ticket up but I suspect he will just carry on as he has been. Def get yourself back out there and don't wait around for him to commit because this is about as good as he can manage no doubt

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/10/2016 09:40

Smokey, you are lining yourself up for a big fall !
Trust your gut, your inner voice, and you won't go far wrong.
Lose the millstone, you are about to place around your neck.
Sorry to be harsh, I've been there.
It's always nice to receive attention, but this is not healthy attention.
Be kind to yourself, keep browsing ! 🙂

Original poster
smokeandmirrors999 · 05/10/2016 11:36

Thanks everyone,

I managed to post this about 10 times so sorry for the duplicates.

I guess it's unanimous then, I should bin him. He ended up texting around 11am, all very casual and no apology for not calling the night before.

I pulled him up in it and he apologised saying he's been single for 2 years so is out of practice. Surely it's a no brainer that you apologise when you don't call. Bet he doesn't do that to his mates.

I'm already on the rollercoaster and finding it hard to get off. After doing OLD for 6 months he's the first one I've been excited about.

The biggest problem is that I've managed to play into his hands. He messes up, I end things, he says fine, I miss him and end up being the one apologising

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/10/2016 12:03

Oh dear!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/10/2016 12:08

Smokey, now that you recognise the pattern, you are in a position to do something about it. It's great to feel excited about a new partner, and you will again, if you let yourself. Next time, try to go for a man who isn't up himself, or in your face. You deserve so much more, and it's out there for the taking !

Emmageddon · 05/10/2016 12:09

Oh no he's not right for you, regardless of him 'being out of practice' - you don't lose the knack of being thoughtful and courteous.

Move on, there's going to be someone out there for you who isn't like this.

smilingeyes11 · 05/10/2016 12:10

Why do you have such low self esteem that you go back to him and apologise? I would suggest working on yourself and being single before you get involved with anyone for a long time. Past relationships - are you following a pattern of rubbish men here?

Lottapianos · 05/10/2016 12:16

'I pulled him up in it and he apologised saying he's been single for 2 years so is out of practice'

Yeah. I'm sure your life is quite busy enough as it is, and you're not pining for a project that involves teaching a rude self-involved arsehole basic manners

Red flags all over your post OP. Run a mile from him and take smiling's advice to spend some time working on your own self esteem

adora1 · 05/10/2016 12:16

FGS, the man is unreliable, already OP, he's rude and has no manners, that's enough to end it, never mind the AWOL moments.

Myusernameismyusername · 05/10/2016 12:18

Ok what should worry you is why he excites you! He's a bad boy. That's why he's exciting. You need to try giving the ones who seem dull a chance and try to find exciting things out about them!

SymbollocksInteractionism · 05/10/2016 12:19

Get rid otherwise you're in for a life of unnecessary drama and upset.

gingina · 05/10/2016 12:20

So he has pushed you into 'exclusivity' even though you aren't ready for that and he is already treating you badly, and somehow YOU end up apologising to HIM???
He's got you dangling on a string.
Take back control or he will mess with your head.

CatNip2 · 05/10/2016 12:24

Should I trust my gut feeling about this guy?

yes!

Itsnotmyfault1 · 05/10/2016 12:25

I've spent 30 years with someone who started out like that! I'm just trying to move on now. My gut told me it was wrong at the start but I kept thinking it would change.
Listen to the advice as it messes with your head so you don't know what's 'normal' and what isn't in the end.
It started out just like you've explained😞

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