Should I trust my gut feeling about this guy

[smokeandmirrors999]

I've been dating someone I met from Tinder for a few weeks now. Our first date was very full on, he came on strong and professed his feelings for me and pushed for exclusivity very early on. I know this is a red flag of a player but I decided to wait and see how things progressed.

The problem is I can't seem to shake the feeling that he isn't what he seems

He repeatedly asks if I am still chatting to other men online and I reassure him but then there are times when he says he disappears, doesn't answer his phone and doesn't call when he says he would.

Last night for example, we spent the whole day together for the first time and he left early afternoon. He said he had to drop some things at his sisters house and he would call me when he was leaving and come over if it wasn't too late. I haven't heard from him since 6pm last night and his whatsapp shows he hasn't been on since 9pm.

This isn't the first time he has done this and flits between being really full on to going AWOL.

I feel quite disrespected that he couldn't even send a text to say he wasn't coming over.

I really do like him but I don't feel ready to be exclusive as there are certain things I expect from a relationship (such as calling when you say you will) but because it's such early days I don't feel able to pull him up on it.

Should I trust my gut or am I being paranoid?

Stop being a mug is my advice. You know you are doing it, but do it anyway. This is actually under your control, remember.

So in the space of a few weeks you've met this guy, you've already ended things at least once but then you've initiated contact, apologised to him and so it continues?

I don't think you're ready for dating.

You need to do some work on your self esteem and twat-radar first.

He sounds like a massive shit of epic proportions. You carry on seeing him and I see further heartbreak.

So on Monday, he left early afternoon and said he'd text later. Then he did text, at 6pm....saying what though?

Gut feelings or instincts don't even matter here, the fact he's not making you happy is enough for a ditch.

Hoe many times have you ended it so far then?
Ffs some women are their own worst enemies

ALWAYS trust your gut feeling.
I doubt he's exclusive even if he expects you to be. Huge red flag of someone controlling.

Hang on, you ended things because he didn't call you one night - after only a few weeks of dating him? Maybe he was busy, maybe he forgot. Jesus you cannot accelerate from being 0 in a strangers life to being their everything in the space of a few weeks.

So he didn't call, so what?? Were you hanging on the phone waiting for him? If so there's your problem. Why are YOU prioritising someone above all else who you met just weeks ago? What is that?! This isn't Disney we are adults with adult lives. Now I reckon he may be the one who has had a lucky escape to be honest, because really who can be arsed answering to a relative stranger over a phone call?? What basis is that for a relationship?

Run while you can...don't invite him to your house.

Husky, the text at 6 was him saying he's going to his sisters and will let me know later when he's leaving and come over if it's not too late.

He says he fell asleep there which would make sense as he was last seen on whatsapp from 9pm until the next morning. Doesn't explain him not apologising the next day though.

I guess I'm finding hard to end things is I have nothing concrete that he's an arsehole other than the two periods of going AWOL.

I ended things before because of the gut feeling.

I know I have low self esteem, always have and yes I've been in a string of terrible relationships. I always give too many chances as my brain tells me what if I'm exaggerating/paranoid/too clingy etc

Ah, I see. Gosh, maybe give it a month, and if you still feel uneasy end it then. Men can be quite simplistic. He said he'd text you when he left his sister's "if it wasn't too late". Well, he fell asleep, so it was too late. In his head he hasn't deviated from what he said.

It's only been a few weeks and you've already ended it and gone back. Normally the first few months are the honeymoon period and you don't see this behaviour until later. Even if it is because he was single for 2 years and that's his excuse, locking you down so early before you'd even spent a day together is quite exteme and needy IMO.

So why can't you just be single then, do the Freedom Programme perhaps and also take part in some counselling too so you can build up your self esteem and stop taking crap from wasters like this man? Only you can break this cycle. You won't find happiness with people like him.

Actually you won't find contentment with anyone until you are happy within yourself - and yep that sounds like bumper sticker nonsense, but it really does make sense.

I am listening to what you are all saying but how can I know for sure he's an arsehole.

I need it broken down for me. I know not calling me was a dick move but what if it was a one off?

Also, he said he wants to be exclusive because he really likes me. He says that a lot and I am hard work. He's figured out I'm scared of getting hurt.

I've had CBT before but it didn't make much difference to my outlook on things. I feel that my issues with men are so ingrained which is why I call things off at the slightest thing but then worry that I'm not giving people a chance, I mean no one is perfect right?

And I was single for a year smiling, and before that 6 years (few short relationships in between).

I don't want to be on my own forever

In my experience, "relationships" that start like that never get off the ground. Like you I also have a tendency to be reluctant to end things in case I'm being hasty - and in case I end up being single again for ages - but every time I have been in this sort of situation it would have been infinitely better to end things at the first sign of chronic fuckwittery and not to repeatedly give him the benefit of the doubt.

CBT quite possibly won't make a difference to ingrained attachment problems, unfortunately, but I'm blowed if I know what does. (Not eight years of therapy, that's for sure...)

Then settle for someone who might be wrong for you?

I think you are going to give him another chance. If you do then I think you just need to stop moving all your boundaries around. If you don't stick to them or know what they are then men will just keep pushing them, and you, around.

He should be going all out to impress you at this stage. It's a bad sign, having to give him the benefit of the doubt this early. If you let him take the piss now and get away with it, it will be just the start of him trampling all over your boundaries.

I'm sorry you've been through similar experiences Czerny. I don't think I actually know what normal is.

I know I sound like a complete idiot for giving him a chance but it's not so black and white. He has a lot of good qualities too. He's certainly more receptive to listening to my concerns than other guys in the past. I told him to slow things down and he did, it has all pretty much been in my terms and I guess I'm quite needy to expect a lot of contact. He texts me everyday and we see each other at least twice a week.

I get what you are saying that he should be. Trying to impress me though but it works both ways and I have been extremely difficult.

I am going to stick to my boundaries though. I've spelled out to him what I expect if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me so this really is last chance saloon.

Thanks, smoke. Too many to count, unfortunately.