Planning to end marriage, friends making me doubt myself

[mysistersimone]

This is probably going to be long but here goes.

I met my husband 10 years ago, we've been married for 8. There have been a lot of times I've just wanted to walk out the door and lots of things that have happened that have made me stop loving him. I'm planning on ending the marriage after Christmas, rightly or wrongly this is due to finances.

Over the years he has had many drinking binges. He has wet himself several times, he's wet the bed. He's vomited so badly on our daughter's bed once (it was like black tar) we had to buy a new one. He's run up debt, repeatedly, on crap and booze and fags and junk food. He wrote off a car driving too fast in a 30mph zone! When he was drunk he'd call me at 3am to collect him, we live in the middle of nowhere and there are no taxis even though I thought he'd stay at friends) So I'd take my baby and my toddler out of bed to collect him. His drink antics have been horrible, he stayed out once rather than come home to have a family day, he's fallen on a woman and cracked her ribs, he lost his wedding ring (in his wallet for some reason) Scary when I write all this down. He also verbally abused me at a wedding reception when I was with the kids.

I've had a breakdown and he didn't support me though that. Wouldn't speak about it. Didn't turn up to marriage counselling which I arranged. We haven't had sex for 4 years, I find him physically unattractive.

Through all of this I've felt that this is my lot. That no one else will want me. I'm not physically attractive and as sad as this sounds, in my entire life Ive not had a compliment from a man (yes I know I shouldn't judge my self worth on my looks) I do have 2 awesome kids though and mainly care for them myself. He has good moments as a dad but he's not the best by a long way. He once got so drunk he smashed his face in and scared out kids so much one was almost sick and the other wouldn't open her eye's.

I've confided in 2 friends all these dramas and more. Both had asked me if leaving him is what I really want. This messed with my head. After all that he's done is this what they think I'm worth?? Then I think is this all that I'm going to have, it's been so long this is my normal.

Reading so many threads in here and seeing some reactions to what men do (when its lesser than my H) has made me realise this isn't normal. I want to think I'm worth more but do my friend's see something I don't??

After one of those horrendous incidents I would be asking someone do they want to stay with this man. After two I would expect them to be giving DH ultimatums.Because I would have encouraged someone in your position to leave after a couple of events. How you have survived 10 years is amazing.

Perhaps you come over as unsure and anxious to others, or something, so that when you say you want to go it alone your friends think you might not be able to cope, then ask you if you are sure you want to do it. Because I would be telling you to leave as soon as possible.

Detach from him. Alcoholics are wedded to their drink, don't think you can help him, or change him or persuade him, or beg him or shame him into changing because you can't. He, at some point, might decide to stop drinking, but equally he may never. And even if he stopped he could still be a useless, selfish man.

Don't waste another minute fretting. Start making moves to separate. See a solicitor for advice, perhaps Women's Aid could help with info.

To be honest it sounds like you haven't quite got the guts to leave this nasty relationship so: 1. you're postponing it till after Christmas, 2. You're trying to read something into your friends comments.

Looking from the side, most people would find it bizarre that you didn't split years ago.

I hope you can find the courage to do it. Good luck.

Hi mysistersimone,
Have you ever heard of Adult Children of Alcoholics? Here is a link to their Laundry List that describes coping strategies that develop as a child of an alcoholic which become ingrained and stick around to become sort of a distorted filter for thought processes in adulthood. I hope I explained that right! I am familiar with the original Laundry List, not so much the Other Laundry List. Have a read through and think about it. (And look for other websites about it too.) There might be a hint there at why your friend's comments have penetrated your resolve.

It is a lot to think about, but can be the framework for your recovery with a counselor, or on your own through reading. (It does follow a 12 step program which I read through but did not participate in. Just knowing about it was enough for the "ah-ha" moment for me.)

I am very happy for you that you have decided enough is enough. You will save your children from having the legacy of Adult Children of Alcoholics. For the present, please consider debriefing your children after each abusive incident. Let them know that Daddy is not well and all of this has nothing to do with them. His decisions are not on the right track as he should choose to not yell - age appropriate: use indoor voices. Assure them that they are safe. Spend extra cuddle time with them. Counsel them that they are not to tell Daddy what to do; it is best to not be around him when he is "like that".

As for your friends...the pps considerations may be right. Or they may be the shallow sort that won't want a singleton around in case their dhs get a wandering eye. So they may dump you. Not real friends then...you will be better off without them. That whole dynamic with the friends is just a peripheral sideshow anyway. The main thing is that you get away from your husband (no dear about him).

Other posters have expressed concerns about the tar vomit. I also would be very concerned about this as a indicator of very serious internal damage being done due to the alcohol. He could literally drop dead one day which would be easy (sorry to put it that way) or the hard way would be a catastrophic organ failure (my cousin's pancreas failed but he survived after 90 days in the hospital...to drink on ).

So your worries about finances may become exponentially worse if you stay much longer. Do you have a life insurance policy on him? You might consider it-yes, it is that serious, imho. I agree with the pp who said it will be much harder to leave when he/his health/his employment does crash. It is inevitable.

I do not mean for my post to upset you. I know I have written some harsh realities here, but I think you have been through the ringer with this guy and can understand this is objective reality you are dealing with. You are doing the right thing, no doubt about it, no need for any second guessing here. Good Luck to you and your dc.

He lost his wedding ring "in his wallet for some reason."

No.

He took his wedding ring off. On purpose. To drink and have women think he was single. What do you suppose the purpose of this was?

Sometimes friends don't give the best advice. Friends don't live your life. I think you need to do what's best for you and your children. Although I think you shouldn't worry about finance and leave now. There are some wise people on here to advise you re finance

I was like you a few months ago. I had a list of things I needed to get through (holiday, big birthday etc) before I asked him to leave. He ended up having another massive binge which made me throw him out earlier than planned and I've never been happier and more at peace. He had a lot of similarities with your h but without the abuse. I had hoped that this would be his "rock bottom" and he would sort himself out but his behaviour and continued binges since he left has made me realise that I will never trust him again and it really is finished.

It's such a shame because he is a really nice guy but I can't accept living with that worry and drama any more or exposing our kids to it.

Interestingly although most of my friends were very supportive and reassured me that I was absolutely making the right decision, one of my best friends was less sure and did query my decision. I found out later that her dad was an alcoholic whose mum had stayed. I guess me saying that I wasn't prepared to put up with it any longer made her feel like I was indirectly criticising her mums decision and her own childhood.

It is scary and I totally understand your fears and doubts about making that final step but life will be so much happier when you do it. The peace of mind I feel now is a revelation. I know I will never have to deal with a vomiting husband and shelter the kids from seeing him drunk again.

Good luck. PM me if you want support. I'm happy to support you through this and try to show you that life can be great again (ps I've lost over a stone since I chucked him out as I used to eat as a comfort and now feel so much more in control).