Planning to end marriage, friends making me doubt myself

[mysistersimone]

This is probably going to be long but here goes.

I met my husband 10 years ago, we've been married for 8. There have been a lot of times I've just wanted to walk out the door and lots of things that have happened that have made me stop loving him. I'm planning on ending the marriage after Christmas, rightly or wrongly this is due to finances.

Over the years he has had many drinking binges. He has wet himself several times, he's wet the bed. He's vomited so badly on our daughter's bed once (it was like black tar) we had to buy a new one. He's run up debt, repeatedly, on crap and booze and fags and junk food. He wrote off a car driving too fast in a 30mph zone! When he was drunk he'd call me at 3am to collect him, we live in the middle of nowhere and there are no taxis even though I thought he'd stay at friends) So I'd take my baby and my toddler out of bed to collect him. His drink antics have been horrible, he stayed out once rather than come home to have a family day, he's fallen on a woman and cracked her ribs, he lost his wedding ring (in his wallet for some reason) Scary when I write all this down. He also verbally abused me at a wedding reception when I was with the kids.

I've had a breakdown and he didn't support me though that. Wouldn't speak about it. Didn't turn up to marriage counselling which I arranged. We haven't had sex for 4 years, I find him physically unattractive.

Through all of this I've felt that this is my lot. That no one else will want me. I'm not physically attractive and as sad as this sounds, in my entire life Ive not had a compliment from a man (yes I know I shouldn't judge my self worth on my looks) I do have 2 awesome kids though and mainly care for them myself. He has good moments as a dad but he's not the best by a long way. He once got so drunk he smashed his face in and scared out kids so much one was almost sick and the other wouldn't open her eye's.

I've confided in 2 friends all these dramas and more. Both had asked me if leaving him is what I really want. This messed with my head. After all that he's done is this what they think I'm worth?? Then I think is this all that I'm going to have, it's been so long this is my normal.

Reading so many threads in here and seeing some reactions to what men do (when its lesser than my H) has made me realise this isn't normal. I want to think I'm worth more but do my friend's see something I don't??

I've confided in 2 friends all these dramas and more. Both had asked me if leaving him is what I really want. This messed with my head. After all that he's done is this what they think I'm worth??

Unfortunately it is drilled into women's heads in our society that any man is a better option than being alone and god forbid, not managing to land another man in the future. I see it a lot on here.

Of COURSE you deserve more. So do your dc's. Don't worry about your friends. You can't allow their issues to hold you back. Start making an exit plan. Look at finances, what you want to happen with the dc's. Start copying and hiding important paperwork. Leave as soon as you're able, or ask him to leave if you think he would. And try not to be swayed if he finally agrees to therapy. If he couldn't be bothered before, chances are he'll just be trying to do the very minimum required to get everything back to normal. And his 'normal' is too hideous for you and your dc's to suffer anymore.

When I told a friend I wanted to leave she urged me not to. Not because she had no appreciation of how hard things were for me but because she remembered when we first met and how in love we were. She knew me as a singleton and said the change in me when I met exH was so dramatic everyone else knew I was in love before I admitted to myself I was in love. She just didn't want me to give up on something that had been so special.

Her words did affect me as I had become so jaded by the relationship at that stage I really had forgotten.

I think I wasn't ready to leave anyway at that stage or I wouldn't have been swayed by her overly romanticised view of how things were and at the end of the day how things were had no bearing on how things became and how my life was day to day.

I think your friends might just want to be non-committal at this stage to really give you time to make your own mind up.

Of course you are worth more than what you have right now.

I'd get out before Christmas. It doesn't sound like Christmas would be a particularly nice time for you and the children if it involves him drinking a lot.

You deserve so much better. You are worth so much more than this.

My BFF is married to an abusive alcoholic. If she told me she was leaving the last thing I'd ask would be if she'd thought it through.

Honestly, I'd be inclined to wonder about the state of your friend's marriages rather than second guess your own decision to leave!

My BFF is married to an abusive alcoholic. If she told me she was leaving the last thing I'd ask would be if she'd thought it through.

Honestly, I'd be inclined to wonder about the state of your friend's marriages rather than second guess your own decision to leave!

Oops! Double post!

Acrossthepond - I couldn't agree more.
One of my best friends is also married to an abusive alcoholic. I would be jumping for joy if she said she was leaving him !

Really?
If you were my friend I'd be helping you pack!

LaundryLady

It's in my nightly prayers, literally. She's put up with so much. She's 'lost' her DS1, her H's favourite victim (besides her) for verbal diarrhoea abuse who moved out at 18 and will not come round if her 'd'H is there so she rarely sees him. She doesn't realize that he's now 'zeroing' in on their 15 year old daughter as his new 'easy target'.

She knows what she needs to do. I've given up telling her other than saying 'You know what I think' every time he 'goes off on one'.

Honestly, I'm beginning to wish they'd just outlaw the sale of alcohol. I enjoy my own tot of gin as much as the next, but I'm beginning to believe it does much more harm than good that it needs to be outlawed. I'm only half joking.

Get out before Christmas, because otherwise it will be a really miserable time. If you do it now you increase your chances of enjoying the festivities without this cloud hanging over you.

It sounds intolerable, you've put up with more than most.

Hopefully your friends will respect and support you in your decision to leave. Who knows why they reacted as they did? Perhaps they are like some people who are unhappy in their own marriages and resent those that are strong enough to make difficult changes because they deserve better? Not saying it's the case here, but it does happen. You deciding to leave is like holding a mirror up, forcing them to examine their lives? Just a thought...

I think friends are often wary of saying you should leave, because it's quite a responsibility, to encourage someone to change their life. Easier to do anonymously when things are unclouded by knowing the personalities involved and not being invested in the status quo.

And they might be afraid that you would regret it and blame them, or rather self-centredly, be worried about how to support you if you did split up. Or they might have low expectations in relationships themselves and subconsciously want everyone to be in the same boat.

This man isn't someone anyone should be in a relationship with. I think you will find you can manage your money and have a more peaceful and happier home without him. And your dc don't need to grow up with him wrecking himself and being drunk around them.

Are you friends in similar relationships? If so, you leaving holds a mirror up to their marriages that they might not be ready to see.

You are in a terrible place and deserve so much better. For the kids, yes, but also just for you. You need time to heal and to grow and to just quietly be.

Can I just ask you to imagine Christmas morning on your own with the kids? Waking up in a clean, warm (dry) bed and feeling alive and content that this is your new life. Opening the curtains and breathing in that Christmas air. A steaming cup of coffee in the peace and quiet. No dramas. No nasty atmosphere or rows. No knot inthe out of your stomach. No waiting for the binging to start again.

Now think about Christmas is going to be like if you wait to leave.

You deserve that first scenario, you really do.

Good luck xxx

How utterly vile.
Why are you putting yourself through this?
Are you reliant on him financially?

You poor, poor thing. Get out and get out now. For you, for your children. Do it before Christmas and you can wake up on Christmas morning not worrying about what sort of state your DH will be in. That weight, that sick feeling in your stomach will be gone. And you will wonder why you waited so long.
Don't pay heed to what your friends asked. I would have done the same. It doesn't mean they won't support you. Could it even be that they've known what a terrible time you've had of things and what a dick he is, and are maybe just checking that you are resolute and won't go back (in case they say negative things about him and then you go back to him!).
Oh good luck OP.

Oh OP, what on earth will Christmas be like if he's drinking like this now? Do you want to explain the financial side of things? People will be able to give good advice.

I'm very concerned his vomit was black - that sounds like blood. Has he seen a GP?

He sounds absolutely dreadful.

It's the worst time making a decision because everyone around you projects their shit on you from 'omg but I had a great time at your wedding' to 'but I really like Mr mysistersimone' to 'won't the kids miss him'

Ultimately it is up to you, make the decision and stick to it. Don't apologise, explain or feel you have to justify.

It's another of life's events when you find out who your real friends are!

Awful. He screams at you in front of kids - scary for them and an awful example.

He shouted at you at a wedding reception? So he doesn't care who he humiliates you in front of?

He runs up debts when he should be a provider / co provider for his family.

.....And his wedding ring was removed and placed in his wallet ....

Have personal experience with alcohol problems and absolutely it acerbates behaviour like this, but it doesn't mandate it or excuse it. He sounds like a real piece of work and I hope you move on, quickly.

And I agree. Christmas with the social accepted 'drink as much as you can' will be awful

Your dh sounds absolutely horrible.. From what you've said, separating seems a great idea.

Any chance your friends are wary of openly encouraging you to leave in case you change your mind. If they told you how delighted they were with your decision / how horrible your dh has been etc, they would be in a difficult place if you ended up staying with him.

I'll try and answer some of the questions. I am financially dependant on him. I don't work. We have a mortgage (in both our names) and he has loans. We have borrowed money from family but there's no demands for them to be paid back urgently.

I have asked him to seek help, multiple times and its been ignored. He gets very verbally aggresive if I push on this matter.

My kids are 4 and 6. They've witnessed too much already and it's the realisation of the effect it has on them that's pushing me to make the break. Home life isn't hellish every day, sometimes we go a few weeks with no dramas. I know it's easy for others to think 'just go' but it's not that easy.

It's taken me a long time for the fog to lift and realise I'm worth more. It's been realising I'm moulding 2 amazing children and I don't want them to aspire to the example of marriage they see now.

I won't get out before Christmas, too much money is tied up in an awful lot and he holds the ropes. Shallow and necessary.

I'm making appointments to speak to professionals who can guide me to what I'm entitled to and how to handle the split. I want to be as informed as possible so he can't bullshit me.

CAB - Womens Aid - Your not alone.
You can do this.

Well done for finally seeing he has to go.

He is never going to change.

You have given him chance after chance.

You spoke to the wrong friends.

You and your kids deserve so much better.

I'm worried that you may have a shit Xmas as alcaholics have a 'genuine' reason for getting pretty pissed.

New year new start

I strongly urge you to get out before he gets the sack or his drinking incapacitates him. The emotional pressure you will get not to leave him in his hour of 'need' will be dreadful.

Well done.I left when dc around those ages and never regretted it.You are worth so much more.

A friend who I admired told me this "value yourself, you are really worth it".
The future without him with actually be less scary than you imagine.The peace of mind you get when not having to worry about a potential drunken incident is amazing.