DH is awful to me when I'm not well

[LittleMrsPollyPocket]

He's never been hugely sympathetic to me if I'm not well but in recent years he's got worse and is actively nasty and unhelpful if I'm not well or am in need of any care or support of any kind.

When I had our youngest child, who is now 5, I was quite ill during the pregnancy and was signed off work and unable to do much. For the whole pregnancy DH was an arse to me and just refused to do anything, so I spent my whole pregnancy living in a tip, trying to wade through treacle every day to do basic things for the kids, with him in a total mood and being outright mean to me most of the time. I then had a severe PPH at the birth and again was unwell for a few weeks afterwards but I got home from hospital to a total tip, and DH refused to do anything to help, not even bring me a glass of water whilst I was breatfeeding.

As I gradually recovered he got nicer to me and gradually went back to normal.

Then a couple of years ago I had a chest infection. Again he refused to do anything at all to help and was awful to me.

Which brings us to now! I have recently had a stressful time with work and family stuff and have been having migraines. Usually I try to recover as quickly as I can and carry on. However I had one about 5 days ago which has, quite honestly, floored me. I have a horrible migraine hangover which has left me very very exhausted and weak, and I am struggling.

DH is, as usual, being a complete arse about it all and won't even engage in any conversations about me feeling unwell. He has stopped doing anything around the house, leaving it all up to me, and is moody and uncommunicative. Last night he was really nasty towards me; snappy and rude for no reason at all, and refused to do anything to help get our youngest to bed or get things ready for today.

I just feel like ending the marriage because of it, but he can't see a problem with his behaviour and thinks that it's acceptable and that I'm in the wrong.

I try to be ill as little as possible, but am I really expecting too much to expect a bit of love and care if I'm unwell?

He's angry because his machine is broken at those points
Leave him Asap
Jeez, I dumped a friend when she didn't give a shit that I'd had a major injury
I'm single and I had mates here helping every day for weeks, didn't do so much as an online shop
You cannot be treated so inhumanly by anyone

Please tell me you've got friends to help in case of major illness or injury?

I don't rate my dad much tbh but he even had to brush mum's hair when she was ill with a neck nerve thing, he did everything for her at daytime for two weeks and I stayed to cover "night call" so he could rest. That's how these things are supposed to work. I'm so angry to read this.

I'm off sick with a cold and fever etc, I would shoo a partner away for this kind of thing because there's no point them getting it and I can make my own tea and toast. But the boyfriends I've had would always want to do that and get quite cross when I showed them away!

Why are you with him? He sounds horrible and you could be free and happy alone.

He is not a good person. Would you tolerate this cruelty from a friend, from your children?

I'd say he's psychopathic and lacks any empathy. Certainly he's self obsessed.

Please look after yourself and your children. I'd make plans to leave actually. You children are learning from him how to treat you.

I bet you'll be absolutely symptom free when the cause is removed.

To the lady who snapped her ligaments and who's husband tortured her, delaying helping her and getting treatment for her injury while he ate his fecking dinner please update us an how you've left this awful man.

He doesn't sound nice even when you aren't ill.

What is he adding to your life? Your wellbeing? What messages is he sending to your children? How long can you cope with this utter disregard for your wellbeing and his belief that he is above you (and probably your children) in the priority list? He actually believes that you are on this planet to service his needs, do all the housework and childcare. Do you really want to stay with someone who believes you are beneath them?

I used to be awful to my husband when he was poorly when he was first diagnosed with MS about 5 years ago. I'd do all the care but be resentful and closed off. I'm ashamed of it but mostly it was because I was terrified of what was happening. We made plans and talked about this as I hated behaving like that. I manage better now and am kinder even when I'm scared. But the determination to change my behaviour came from me. I asked dh to help me and told him things to say to me up stop the shut down but the effort was mine. I think there can be ok reasons for behaving poorly but a person needs to want to change.

Oh sorry just read the thread. I dont behave like that at other times. Irrelevant posting

Good god OP. He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features.

In fact he sounds like he's a psychopath. I'd be making plans to leave him. This is the rest of your life OP, and what example to your children??

Christ on a bike LTB!!

Vile. Ditch him. You wouldn't be any worse off, at least you wouldn't be constantly let down by someone who's supposed to care.

Yeah, I've read your updates and he just sounds like an asshole. Get shot of him.

Op he's awful this is not normal. In fact if he resents you being ill so much most people would do at least bare mim to get you better ASAP. So mim expect is food and drink and a day or two in bed if nothing else was done.

It sounds to me as if you're effectively a single mother anyway. Your H doesn't do shit and it's all on his terms.

My DM and DF had a bit of that kind of dynamic when I was growing up - DM did everything around the house and the majority of childcare although both of them had full time jobs. DF was a serious workaholic.

However, and this is an important distinction, DF was always there for DM when she had migraines - she tended to have them every weekend. They were horrible, she was vomiting and unable to move, etc. DF would show empathy, cook for her and bring her medication.

Your H sounds like a complete bastard, I am sorry.

My XH was occasionally VERY unsympathetic when I was ill - after DS was born I started getting migraines like my mum (who also started to get them after my birth - I am assuming it is hormonal for us and runs in our family). XH was brought up to 'just get on with it', he's practically never taken a day of sick in 25 years of working... Both his parents are the same. His DM (my ex-MIL) made him walk a mile to the GP when he had a broken foot FFS!

But he did do a lot of housework and was active with child-rearing. And sometimes he was very sympathetic when I was ill - it was unpredictable, as other times he would shout at me when I was in pain, which would only make me vomit more - this goes to show that migraines are indeed largely stress-induced, or at least how stress makes them so much worse.

Since breaking up with XH I would say my migraines have reduced by 80%. Except when he took my DS from me for 3-4 months and didn't allow proper contact - I had to be hospitalised several times due to migraines over this period.

My new DP was there for me for all these occasions. LTB. You deserve better. My XH had the redeeming quality that he did pull his weight and more with housework. He had some form of OCD, so he did more than me because he was never happy with how I did things, they weren't up to his standards.

Your H does not even have this redeeming quality. Sounds like you're already doing everything on your own, and that he's actually only making things worse for you, especially during the moments when you are really in need of support.

Consult a solicitor - do not make my mistake and break up without getting legal advice. Your H is toxic. This is NO way to treat your spouse.

You're already practically a single mum, so at least when you separate from H you have the opportunity to meet someone else who actually treats you with respect - the respect any one of us deserves as human beings.