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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is awful to me when I'm not well

62 replies

LittleMrsPollyPocket · 04/10/2016 09:23

He's never been hugely sympathetic to me if I'm not well but in recent years he's got worse and is actively nasty and unhelpful if I'm not well or am in need of any care or support of any kind.

When I had our youngest child, who is now 5, I was quite ill during the pregnancy and was signed off work and unable to do much. For the whole pregnancy DH was an arse to me and just refused to do anything, so I spent my whole pregnancy living in a tip, trying to wade through treacle every day to do basic things for the kids, with him in a total mood and being outright mean to me most of the time. I then had a severe PPH at the birth and again was unwell for a few weeks afterwards but I got home from hospital to a total tip, and DH refused to do anything to help, not even bring me a glass of water whilst I was breatfeeding.

As I gradually recovered he got nicer to me and gradually went back to normal.

Then a couple of years ago I had a chest infection. Again he refused to do anything at all to help and was awful to me.

Which brings us to now! I have recently had a stressful time with work and family stuff and have been having migraines. Usually I try to recover as quickly as I can and carry on. However I had one about 5 days ago which has, quite honestly, floored me. I have a horrible migraine hangover which has left me very very exhausted and weak, and I am struggling.

DH is, as usual, being a complete arse about it all and won't even engage in any conversations about me feeling unwell. He has stopped doing anything around the house, leaving it all up to me, and is moody and uncommunicative. Last night he was really nasty towards me; snappy and rude for no reason at all, and refused to do anything to help get our youngest to bed or get things ready for today.

I just feel like ending the marriage because of it, but he can't see a problem with his behaviour and thinks that it's acceptable and that I'm in the wrong.

I try to be ill as little as possible, but am I really expecting too much to expect a bit of love and care if I'm unwell?

OP posts:
hermione2016 · 04/10/2016 11:34

He obviously resents you bring ill and makes it all about him.

He's lacking in empathy and I agree with others that say this will get worse.Its one of the reasons I'm leaving my stbxh, he has let me down at every significant point in our life together.Years later he may apologise but the damage is done.

What I find hard is that because people assume I have a husband so they don't offer help.I recall dragging myself off the sofa to collect dc from school despite having pneumonia.H could easily had the time off work but chose not to.
He is rarely unwell because he prioritises himself.I imagine it's the same for you.

Stormtreader · 04/10/2016 11:37

Anyone can be lovely when everythings going well. Its how they act when things arent so easy that shows you who they really are.

acatcalledjohn · 04/10/2016 11:43

He is rarely unwell because he prioritises himself.

^ This

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/10/2016 11:57

My DH can be a bit like this too, and it's massively affected our relationship because I have a chronic pain condition which he sometimes treats as if it's made up (despite the fact of the doctors I see and the medication I take). I was sick for years before gradually clawing my health back. I think he finds it hard to deal with things he can't 'fix' - could this be the same for your DH? For mine, I believe it's rooted in MIL's attitude to illness (she is in denial about his allergies and just ignores them - much to his detriment when he was a kid - she is otherwise lovely and it is frankly really weird). My DH also ignores / gets angry about his own ailments and NEVER goes to the doctor even when it's clear he should. Their whole family is totally rubbish at discussing illness or acknowledging any illness that doesn't involve something being obviously broken. It drives me up the wall and I wish I could change it! Fortunately when push comes to shove, my DH is always there for me albeit sometimes a bit grudgingly, so when I'm really ill (e.g.flat out with pneumonia or the flu) he will do school runs / cancel meetings. (I'm not saying he won't complain about it though....)

MatildaTheCat · 04/10/2016 12:07

A man who refuses to bring a glass of water to his breastfeeding wife after, presumably watching her haemorrhage after giving birth, is, frankly on the far end of the unsympathetic spectrum. Almost pathological in his need for you to be well and strong. Or dislike of anyone needing care and seeming weak.

I would class this as a disorder ( if I was qualified to do any such thing) and think you should be pretty concerned. What if you do develop a serious illness or ongoing condition? He needs to see that this goes beyond being unhelpful and is not normal.

Can you list the events you have mentioned here and possibly email them to him with a request that you need to discuss this attitude and it must be addressed because you simply cannot count on him to be there for you at times of need.

CousinCharlotte · 04/10/2016 12:13

What a horrible, unempathic twat. A real test of a relationship is how you pull together through illness, bereavements etc and support each other. I was very ill recently, when I came out of hospital DP automatically done everything while I recovered, including caring for my DM who lives with us. We'd have been fucked if he was like your h.
Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with some who treated me with such contempt Sad

rumred · 04/10/2016 12:40

why would you want to live with, let alone be friends with, someone this unkind? Im shocked at what some people will put up with. Horrible mean behaviour, by his choice

CoffeeAtLukes · 04/10/2016 12:48

He is not a good man. I would end a marriage because of this.

What would happen if God forbid you got a long term health condition? Would you just have to live with his cruelty forever?

msrisotto · 04/10/2016 12:54

So I'm interested in his 'normal'. Does he bring you glasses of water then? Does he do nice things for you then? Or are you just able to do that for yourself so it's not an issue?

Have you talked about this when you are feeling well? What does he say?

If he genuinely is a good guy otherwise, he'd be looking into getting therapy for himself to find out what the hell is going on for him.

Irush · 04/10/2016 12:55

he sounds completely mental.

you poor thing OP

itsbetterthanabox · 04/10/2016 14:03

Have you asked him why he does this? What does he say?

RepentAtLeisure · 04/10/2016 15:10

Ask him what is behind his need to punish you at the times when a normal person would take care of their partner? Is there some kind of pattern of similar behaviour in his family?

I have recently had a stressful time with work and family stuff

And was he helping with this? Or does he let you carry family burdens and responsibilities alone, and then snap at you when you collapse under the weight? I'm guessing from your OP that he doesn't carry his weight when you're healthy. maybe it's just business as usual for him when you're ill, except with the inconvenience of the does-everything-at-home person being faulty...

Honestly, you may find you are ill less often if you rid yourself of a fairly stressful DH-shaped factor in your life. Ask yourself what joy he brings to your life. An old-fashioned pros and cons list could help you see everything clearly.

Original poster
LittleMrsPollyPocket · 04/10/2016 15:51

Thank you everyone for the replies.

Generally, when I'm well, he doesn't do much and has the ability to check in and out of family life as he wishes to. I think he gets quite angry when I'm ill as the 'person who does everything' is out of action. He is generally selfish and prioritises himself. He has mentioned before something along the lines of he doesn't see why he should have to suffer if I'm ill and he's not ill.

I have tried to talk reasonably about it all to him many times but he just won't engage in the conversation and either ignores me or gets cross with me. As far as he is concerned, if I'm ill then it is my problem and not his and I 'shouldn't take it out on him'.

We were on holiday abroad a couple of years ago and I got stung in my nose by a fly of some kind and it really hurt. Prior to that during the same holiday I got stung by a bee and my arm swelled up badly so I was a bit anxious that I'd have a reaction to the sting up my nose too! DH's reaction was to fall about laughing about me being stung and when I said it wasn't funny he turned it round and told me not to take it out on him because I was angry about being stung, when that wasn't the case at all, I was cross because he was laughing!

When he's ill or has any aches and pains he just goes to bed or lays around the house and of course all is fine as everything still gets done anyway by me so he doesn't have to sit surrounded by mess or sort school uniform out whilst suffering from a migraine etc.

OP posts:
Ninasimoneinthemorning · 04/10/2016 16:17

op why are you still with him - he sounds horrrible.

RepentAtLeisure · 04/10/2016 16:31

If you aren't planning to leave him, then at least stop being the person who does everything. He's an adult too. He has an equal partner, not a slave.

I'd have a frank conversation where you tell him he either acts like a fully present parent and partner, or the marriage is over. And that means being proactive about shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare - not waiting for instructions. But he sounds like a lost cause to me. I'd be working on my Exit Plan.

Cary2012 · 04/10/2016 16:33

Do you know what OP, I bet you'd get less migraines if you ditched him.

My ex was like this, I had shingles years ago, and he resented me asking him to do a bit more around the house, really made a meal of every little chore and seemed so angry with me for being poorly. I never understood it.

Seriously, my stress headaches disappeared after I booted him out..

Happybunny19 · 04/10/2016 16:44

He's absolutely vile, what's the point of him? I have NEVER said this before but LTB

CousinCharlotte · 04/10/2016 17:12

he's a grade A cunt op, ltb and find yourself a caring person to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine growing old with him

Squeegle · 04/10/2016 17:17

Awful, selfish man. No reason to be with someone like this.

hermione2016 · 04/10/2016 17:24

Op, yes you've nailed it, your illness makes life inconvenient for him.How is that love? What was his parents relationship like? My h grew up with both parents being completely selfish. There was no empathy and his father is exactly the same today.

I don't know if lack of empathy/compassion is nurture or nature.Its hard to teach an adult emotional intelligence as they need insight and have to be motivated.

redannie118 · 04/10/2016 17:29

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

ISpeakJive · 04/10/2016 17:49

OP, what if you ever got seriously ill? (Which is a horrible thought and I apologise for mentioning it but I think it's quite relevant to this situation).
Will he just let you get on with it again? Do a runner?
He needs to go.

Bumplovin · 04/10/2016 18:12

It doesn't sound like a relationship to me it sounds like you do everything and he is abusive because when you are ill 'HE' is not 'cared for'. Id divide up all the household chores while you are well as well so he starts pulling his weight too! If he can't be an equal in the relationship I would leave. It's actually cruel and abusive what he is doing to watch another person suffer like that is disgusting but when it's supposed to be the person you love then to me I think it shows that he doesn't love you (im sorry I don't mean to be blunt but if you love someone you would do anything for them and he can't even do the basics). Go and find someone who actually deserves you xxx

RiceCrispieTreats · 04/10/2016 21:25

I think he gets quite angry when I'm ill as the 'person who does everything' is out of action.

Bingo.

He is generally selfish and prioritises himself.

NOT a partner to you, then. So why stay with him?

Irush · 05/10/2016 10:21

He really does sound awful OP Sad

sorry.