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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New man doesn't listen, is it my fault??

58 replies

Matthewsfab · 02/10/2016 20:17

Met a new man about a month ago. I really like him which is rare for me ( standards super high after lots of crap relationships Smile) But I don't feel like he listens to me.
He has a fantastic and interesting life and is always telling amazing stories about things he's done. While I am pretty boring in comparison, in the way that I've not done half the things he has. I am intelligent and funny, I think!
So usually our conversations end up the same way with him talking a lot at me and me clamming up I guess because I don't like being talked at, I think I find it intimidating. When I do say something it seems he can't wait to interrupt and say his own thing.
I am a quiet person but usually with people I feel comfortable with I have lots to say. He is one of those people who find it easy to go on about himself while I am not. I need to feel like the other person is interested in what I'm saying by showing me they're listening by asking questions etc.
But could it be that he expects me to be more forthcoming like him and doesn't like to pry hence the lack of curiosity??
I have talked to him about this and he knows he prattles on and is happy to be told to shut up but I am unsure because I don't want to get serious with someone who has no interest in me.
Do you think this is because I have lower self esteem than him and need to be more assertive? Or is it a mismatch that won't improve with time?
Also I'd be interested to hear from people who are naturally chatty, what do you think of us quieter types?

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 02/10/2016 23:27

People like this are selfish and boring. They might be able to mask it for a bit with superficial charm and charisma but ultimately they are self obsessed and nothing will change that. Not good partner material.

chattygranny · 02/10/2016 23:36

I am a chatterbox but I do listen. When I'm nervous is when I seem to gabble. Could he be hiding a more sensitive soul behind his loud front? I have a friend like that, when I first met her I never wanted to meet her again as her conversation was so overwhelming and show-offy. Now she's a dear friend and she has a heart of gold. Don't read a book by its cover. On the other hand, he could be a boorish bore! Give him a bit longer maybe?

tallwivglasses · 02/10/2016 23:46

I'm assuming he must be incredibly sexy or something

Montane50 · 03/10/2016 00:00

Theres nothing sexy about a dreary man droning on about himself. A new partner should be hanging on to your every word, while sub consciously deciding wow i could spend the rest of my life with this one (its sounds like he has this conversation with himself!)

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/10/2016 01:24

You are invisible to him, sorry.Sad
He is treating you like a prop in the grand story that is His Life. You may as well be a cardboard cutout (think he'd notice?)

It would be soul destroying for you to continue this relationship. To be treated like that is very belittling, degrading, minimizing-to be continuously pressed down like that could (more than likely) lead to actual depression. Imho, it would not be mentally healthy for you to spend much time with him (and then debrief yourself after each exposure that you are in fact not invisible and have value as a person and deserve to be treated with respect!).

Atenco · 03/10/2016 02:20

Dump! You need someone that is interested in listening to you.

Many moons ago I went through a stage where if I met anyone interesting I would monopolise the conversation and then wake up in the morning realising that I hadn't learnt anything from the encounter. Yuck. Since then things have gone the other way and I have had some friends that don't know the first thing about me as all they wanted was an ear. In fact, I have sometimes hallucinated myself as this huge EAR.

Not something you want inside a relationship.

Only1scoop · 03/10/2016 02:30

He sounds like Mr Me, Myself and I, he'll possibly throw in the odd token question, he will never remember your answer.

ProcrastinatingSquid2 · 03/10/2016 05:53

Is the confidence an act, do you think? Because my experience of people who go on and on about themselves is that they're often quite insecure, hence the desperate need to impress others and prove how wonderful and interesting they are. That wouldn't, however, affect what advice I'd give you: to get rid. Even if it's insecurity, it's still making him self absorbed and so bent on proving how amazing he is that he isn't focused on you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/10/2016 06:09

I'm afraid I am a talker.

I find silences acutely painful (from having been married or attached to men with literally nothing to say for themselves, who would happily sit and stare at a wall for an hour). I talk so that there are no silences, so that any imperfections like this are covered up - generally because I don't want to believe that anyone I am seeing could possibly be quite so dull as the previous men. Although, when I do shut up and try to manage my talking so they have time to respond, they don't, Maybe I have talked them into submission or maybe I only find men who genuinely don't have anything to say (current man just talks about cars. All. The. Time. Is it any wonder I fill the gaps?)

I'll shut up now.

YouAreMyRain · 03/10/2016 06:15

Does he have any good points?

Dozer · 03/10/2016 06:23

Zaphod, but do you talk constantly about yourself like OP's soon to be ex? Hopefully not! And if your current man is dull, you find his conversation dull, move on!

OP, he has shown very bad manners and, when you raised it, implied it's your fault! Move on asap!

YoungWillieMcBride · 03/10/2016 06:50

This reminds me very much of a man I went out with a for about a month once. Only I was the talker and he was the other person.

I think it sounds more as though you are not suited than he is deliberately and intentionally being "a wanker". (It does annoy me that on here so few people seem to be able to advise without calling all men names). Although he might be. To be honest, my advice would be the same.

I'm quite happy to have a silence, but I do tend to 'talk' if the person I am with just doesn't and, when I went out with that guy a few times, I found that, if I didn't say anything, there was a silence. And not the comfortable silence of people who are happy to just 'be', but the awkward silence of people who have nothing to say to each other, whose lives and experiences are just too different. Or he would say things occasionally about his hobby (flying model aircraft and drones) that were very closed and I didn't know enough about to ask the right questions of. I felt comfortable enough around him to speak and, during the first month, you are just getting to know each other so you are sharing experiences and stories and lives and backgrounds, but he gave very little back and when he did, it wasn't things I had a response to.

I disagree that it's his responsibility to 'draw you out of yourself'. If you need someone to do that at the early stages when you know nothing at all about each other, it's probably just that you're not suited. And that's neither person's fault, that's just the way it is sometimes.

I wasn't being the talker because I felt the need to convince him I was interesting and exciting either, or because I wasn't interested in him, it was just because that first month onwards is when you are finding out if you are compatible. Not just in terms of whether you fancy each other, but in terms of your whole lives. So you talk.

You describe his life/experiences as 'interesting' and yours as 'boring'. If you are feeling this, then it's possible you are also projecting it and he is just filling the space. It is true that nothing any man does to you is you fault, but it is possible that you and he together are not a good match and that that is where the 'fault' lies.

It may be that he wants/needs someone more outgoing and 'sparkier', but that's not a shitty quality in him.

But yes, do move on because you should be hanging off each other's every word. Ideally, you'd be sparking off each other and as each of you spoke, you'd realise more and more how you want to be with and around that person. Everything he said would trigger a response in you and vice versa. It doesn't sound like you're experiencing that anymore than he is.

spicyfajitas · 03/10/2016 10:16

Be careful. Further down the line you'll have heard these fascinating anecdotes for the nth time and you'll want to bang your head against the wall. You need someone who is interested in you, who can relate to you and who you have a connection with.

If he's unable to listen now, it will only get worse. Everyone has lived life, everyone has a story. Finding out what makes others tick is fascibatibg.
It sounds like you're a sensitive person who has picked up on his lack of interest and isn't pushing it, rather than blundering in anyway.

Happybunny19 · 03/10/2016 10:24

Ditch him now and move on. He's too arrogant to bother showing any interest in you and it's just a month in, forget him you could be anyone to waffle on at. This static a relationship should be fun and exciting, and most importantly, it's the getting to know each other stage. He is probably single because he's arrogant, set in his ways and boring. At least you found this out early.

MariposaUno · 03/10/2016 10:33

He's not a keeper if he doesn't have the self awareness of the me,me,me complex.

I feel sometimes I talk too much about myself or my thoughts but I check myself regularly in social situations to make sure I don't over do it, my brain goes into overdrive but equally I'm happy to take a back seat and not talk much at all in groups.

A month in isn't so long but when you are dating, The person is supposed to want to get to know all about you if they like you, with a certain level of awe Smile.

springydaffs · 03/10/2016 10:48

said to him that he knows nothing about me, he said that I don't tell him anything

I sympathise with him here.

Differing communication styles - possible introvert/extrovert styles? He may be wondering why you're so closed and don't offer any info about yourself. He may be hurt, or nonplussed, you don't trust him with info about yourself. He may be wondering why it's up to him to do all the talking/revealing.

I don't think it has anything to do with self esteem. If you're new he may be wanting to impress you; to put all the goods in the shop window.

Kr1stina · 03/10/2016 11:43

Asking people intelligent questions about themselves and listening to the answers is a skill common to both introverts and extroverts .

And introvert / extrovert is nothing to do with open / closed .

The Op has already said that when she talks, he interrupts and turns it back to himself . That's not being closed, not offering information and not trusting him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/10/2016 11:47

You might as well watch TV as go out with him. At least you can turn the TV off when you are bored.

FinallyHere · 03/10/2016 11:51

This made me think of the telling comment "so that's a bit about me, now its your turn..... What do you think about me?" Do you really want a relationship with someone stuck on transmit, who never listens to you? Sigh.

benbry · 03/10/2016 12:10

My mate went on a date and he spent over an hour talking about his beard. Binned.

Allofaflumble · 03/10/2016 14:07

I'm sorry to say I missed this red flag UB amongst many others in my last relationship. Mine really had no interest in me as a person, just felt I was someone to spend time with on non hobby days or nights, with hopefully sex thrown in.

Instead of moving on quickly, I chose to stay and turn myself inside out flogging a dead horse. By the end I had so little self esteem and he still had asked me no questions beyond how was your day (then tuning out) or what did you have for tea? He would then list his, chops, potatoes, peas, gravy etc....

I look back and can't believe how I couldn't see I was wasting my time!

Mine was more boring than arrogant but because I was used to awful relationships he was cast as the one who must surely be right!

Matthewsfab · 05/10/2016 00:29

Bit of an update...
So we had a big talk about his talking, he's aware he does it and when I asked him why he does it, he said that when I am quiet he worries that something is wrong or that he has said the wrong thing. He just wants to make everything right and doesn't know how.
I also mentioned about him not being curious about me and he proceeded to tell me everything he knew about me with lots of detail and insight. He has been listening and had picked up on lots of things that I hadn't even mentioned.
The interrupting is annoying but I have a feeling that if I tick him off a few times he won't do it again.

We had a really good conversation and I'm feeling a lot happier about things. So all in all a good outcome Grin

OP posts:
Boneyjoany · 05/10/2016 00:45

Well done! The combination of nerves and maybe a bit of social communication difficulties can be real hurdles but it sounds like there's stuff to work with.

Atenco · 05/10/2016 01:04

Sounds really positive. Nothing like communication

YoungWillieMcBride · 05/10/2016 07:17

And that is exactly why the knee jerk LTB/man = wanker first response on MN is so unhelpful.

Many are, but some of them are just people who sometimes get things a bit wrong. You know, like women.

Really pleased that you've got this sorted.