Sudden and ruthless break-up

[Darknessandfear]

DP came home an hour ago. He had been at the pub but isn't that drunk. He took my engagement ring off me and told me it's over. Just like that. That he doesn't love me anymore. That I'm selfish and unloveable and he cannot do it anymore. That he thinks I've cheated on him- I haven't for what it's worth. Completely out of the blue. He's sat like nothing's happened watching tv. My cries to talk it over fell on deaf ears.

I feel my heart has just been shattered. 6 years gone like that. Like it doesn't matter.

Stupid question but does he smoke weed?

That can make a person really paranoid (not that it's an excuse)

I've had a sudden realisation I don't know if this is what I want anymore

Too bloody right!

SandyY2K Sun 02-Oct-16 07:17:38

The engagement ring is given as an intention to marry. When that intention is no longer there the ring goes back to the man.

Okay, in the UK, the ring belongs to the woman regardless of whether the marriage took place or not. This may be different elsewhere, but it has historical roots in that the betrothal ring had to be a certain value so that should a marriage not take place the woman had some means to support herself. Women in these circumstances could be seen as "damaged goods" and it could be hard for a woman to find another husband after a broken betrothal.

I think, though, that the OP deseves to find someone far, far nicer. Who cares about her.

He doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh, he's convinced you cheated & won't believe your attempts to dispel this, though why the fuck should you have to protest your innocence? Yet he wants to try to work through it?
I really wouldn't OP, hold onto the feeling you had & remember the hurtful things he said to you last night.
Walk away & find someone more deserving of your love.

Do you think he's had abusive tendencies in the past, OP?

As far as I'm aware- no he doesn't take drugs. Doesn't smell of smoke, and no amounts of missing money over the past years. I would like to think I would have known but I . Cannot rule out a one off though I guess.

He has never been the controlling type in the past either. We both enjoy our own hobbies as much as we enjoy being together. None of the typical controlling warnings were there. If we ever argued he'd walk away if things got heated. Supportive in me doing my own thing. He had been so good when I was ill last year, and leaned on me when he needed too in return. I know some people class normal as boring, but normal was perfect.

His previous relationship ended as he didn't want to commit at the time- both v young and she wanted to move in together.

I packed him a bag and asked him to move out earlier on. I cannot think with him in the same house as me and currently I don't want to be anywhere near him. As he decided to end this I told him he had to move out, which he respected. I've always been proud to have my head screwed on so most things are already in my name.

He wouldn't stop crying and apologising before he left. He seems to be genuinely sorry and suddenly believes and trusts me, but sorry means shit now. I'm going to take the week to clear my head and think things over.

I asked him why he went from trusting me, to accusing me of being unfaithful , to trusting me again, and he can't give me an answer. Just said he was an idiot. That's what is messing with my head the most. I need to know why. Why last night. Why after 6 years. Why accuse me of that, with someone 30 yrs older than me who I mentioned once.

I asked him why he went from trusting me, to accusing me of being unfaithful , to trusting me again, and he can't give me an answer.

To be cruel and fuck with your head. To manipulate you by making you think you're lucky he's putting up with you. To make you curtail your friendships with other people and therefore more needy and dependant on him, which he'll also use to his own advantage.

Good idea to give yourself some thinking space this week.

... Just said he was an idiot.

Mumsnet chorus - all together now:

When somebody tells you who they are, believe them!!!

Sounds like you're well shot of this Twunt.

So he's 100% conviced you're sleeping with a workmate but he's happy to work things out?

^^^^ Yes I thought that as well. It doesn't add up. Why would he want to work things out when he's convinced you cheated.

Makes no sense at all.

Whether this bloke is having an affair himself and projecting onto the OP, or whether someone is manipulating his strings and whispering things in his ear (is there someone who would jump at him if he were single?), it's all actually irrelevant.

He's demonstrated some nasty behaviour and I'd think twice about letting someone like this back into my life. You'd have to wonder if he would blow up like this again, and you could easily end up walking on eggshells. No thanks.

Darkness, do you have an update for us?

My first thought was drugs. Maybe a one off down the pub?

Sorry this happened, hope you are ok

This happened to me - we were engaged too, and I'd taken on his three kids from a previous marriage. It was completely out of the blue, unemotional and cold. I'd thought things were great - he'd only proposed 8 months previously. Looking back, I think he'd cheated (that can be a wake-up call and often explains the sudden decision to end it). He just said he didn't love me anymore. It was awful.

If he's obsessed that you've cheated and you haven't, it shows he's got a jealous, untrusting personality. He obviously doesn't love you any more or care about you, because he would not have done this so brutally and coldly. It sounds as if there is something wrong with him, to behave like that after so many years. Perhaps he lacks an ability to empathise, or he is very selfish, etc. You are better off out of it.

Think of it this way - why would you want to spend your life with someone (I'm guessing you don't have kids yet?), who cares so little for you? You would not have had a happy life together. You would have always felt as if there was something lacking and be questioning how he feels. He is worthless to you now. You need to be loved, adored and trusted.

If he's so cold, try to remain amicable (so he doesn't turn nasty). Focus on getting out of there asap amicably. Sever joint things 50/50. Start doing it now. Don't compromise on the big things (savings/house), but be willing to sacrifice small things, just to get away from him. Don't argue over little bits of furniture, for example. Good luck x

Whether this bloke is having an affair himself and projecting onto the OP, or whether someone is manipulating his strings and whispering things in his ear (is there someone who would jump at him if he were single?), it's all actually irrelevant. He's demonstrated some nasty behaviour and I'd think twice about letting someone like this back into my life. You'd have to wonder if he would blow up like this again, and you could easily end up walking on eggshells. No thanks.

This. With bells.

There is no coming back from a suspicious relationship.

I'm doing well, all things considered but I had to take a few days off work.

He is still at his parents house, although he's had to come over for 'things he needs' a few times and attempted to endlessly apologise for everything. I have been able to think much more clearly after some time by myself. I love him so much but I don't want to live life wondering if it would happen again. Yes, it was the first time in 6 years any sort of vile behaviour happened, but there's no way for me to know it was the last. Especially given that there appears to be no catalyst. If drugs or OW was involved, at least removing that could remove the behaviour. FWIW, I asked him if he had taken drugs and that was why it happened and he denied it.

I cannot suddenly stop loving him but I'm not living my life on eggshells or with someone who could kick me to the curb when it suits them. Maybe it was a one off and we will rekindle at some point down the line, but right now I am pretty sure being alone is the best choice. It is very easy to type that but the thought of putting it into practice scares me shitless.

Oh, and thankfully, no DC involved, we were desperately TTC.

He sounds manipulative. he's using abuse quite casually, to serve his needs. his need is to get out of a serious relationship and instead of admitting with bravery that he's not up to that, he just picks an abusive arrow out of his quiver and tells you what's wrong with you and accuses you of cheating.

Be grateful. Honestly, as hard as it is to believe, the worst possible outcome would be to patch this up somehow and end up married to this cowardly manipulator.

Manipulation and control starts when life stages are passed.

My mums H was fairly Normal for 13 years. Weeks before their wedding he started being a prick and steadily got worse.

An engagement is exactly the time when this shit starts.

He expected you to cave, cry, beg.

You didn't , you stood your ground and told him to go. Good for you! !