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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sudden and ruthless break-up

71 replies

Darknessandfear · 01/10/2016 21:48

DP came home an hour ago. He had been at the pub but isn't that drunk. He took my engagement ring off me and told me it's over. Just like that. That he doesn't love me anymore. That I'm selfish and unloveable and he cannot do it anymore. That he thinks I've cheated on him- I haven't for what it's worth. Completely out of the blue. He's sat like nothing's happened watching tv. My cries to talk it over fell on deaf ears.

I feel my heart has just been shattered. 6 years gone like that. Like it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
FlourishingMrs · 02/10/2016 00:49

No need to leave tonight, speak to him in the morning...

Fcukthetww · 02/10/2016 01:11

Get your engagement ring back for a start. Legally your property to dispose of or not as you wish! Secondly make sure everything is switched into your name. Line your ducks up because it sounds to me like even if you get over this, he isn't committed and you WILL at some point split for good. Make sure your in the best possible position when the time comes

Allalonenow · 02/10/2016 01:21

On a practical note, get your ring back, it remains your property whatever happens to the relationship, he gave it as a token of his promise to marry you, and it is yours. If it is of any value you could be glad of that money in the months to come.
Not only that, it will show him that you won't be bullied which is what he is doing, but can stand up for yourself and get what is yours by right.

AbyssinianBanana · 02/10/2016 01:36

He's going to backpedal tomorrow. He will detail what's wrong with you and give you a chance to prove yourself to him.

Tell him he's got fair points but his choice of delivery means you are now rethinking what you want - and you're not sure you want to be wih a man who spoke to you as he did last night.

Fucker.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2016 07:17

The engagement ring is given as an intention to marry. When that intention is no longer there the ring goes back to the man.

Penfold007 · 02/10/2016 07:48

Do you think someone has been mischief making and told him you've been seeing the person he's accused you of having an affair with?

Original poster
Darknessandfear · 02/10/2016 07:55

I wouldn't particularly want to keep the ring of a man who didn't want to marry me if I'm honest. Understand it might be needed for financial reasons but he can have it if he wants it that much.

We've had a chat this morning. He is still convinced I slept with a guy from work. Convinced I'm always texting him, and that last weekend when I stayed out to 1am for a friends birthday, I was actually sleeping with this guy. Nothing will convince him otherwise. I've done nothing at all in the past six years to suggest I'm dishonest, or would do anything like this. I started defending myself saying i don't have his number etc but I have no fight left in me now. I also have more pride than to beg a man to believe me when he said some very awful things about me last night...

He wants to try and work things out now but I've had a sudden realisation I don't know if this is what I want anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darknessandfear · 02/10/2016 08:00

For something like this to have gone down, yes I do think someone's tried to convince him I've cheated. First it's ever been mentioned was when he came in last night.

I'm hoping i will get more answers the more we talk.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/10/2016 08:15

My exh did this. He was having an affair and judged me by his standards.

BackInTheRoom · 02/10/2016 08:26

Yep I reckon he's seeing someone. Sorry xx

HidingFromDD · 02/10/2016 08:35

Likely to be an "OW" who has pulled together all the possible links and suggested cheating. Judging by their own standards.

I, also, would be rethinking whether I wanted to remain in a relationship with someone who could act like that tbh.

Hope you're ok today

doji · 02/10/2016 09:22

There's 3 scenarios here that I can think of:

  1. someone he met yesterday is stirring shit - someone that knows you well enough to make up these stories. Is there someone he goes to the pub with that might do this? Also why does he inherently believe them over you?

  2. he's the one cheating and is projecting (was he actually at the pub yesterday?). This sounds like psychobabble, but I've actually had it done to me, and it followed the same pattern you're seeing now...

3)he's an abusive arse, and this is some form of gaslighting. He'll 'forgive' you if you do X, Y or Z - basically some kind of fucked up manipulation.

None of those scenarios reflect well on him, and I think you're right to question whether this is actually the right man for you...

hermione2016 · 02/10/2016 09:40

Even if he accepts you didn't cheat has the trust in him gone? What he did was pretty brutal.Could he have been on any drugs?

What was his parents married like? Ive come to realise it impacts significantly on the way adults conduct relationships.

LikelyLama · 02/10/2016 09:51

How awful for you. There are lots of different scenarios any of which could be right about what has motivated him to do this but I'm not sure it makes much odds why he is doing it. Sad (I'm a bit sceptical when some posters claim to be able to tell exactly why someone does something Hmm )

If it's definitely over, and it sounds like it is, then there isn't too much point getting into discussions with him and agonising over his reasoning. It's you are 100% it's over then why bother. It's better to just be as practical and buiseness like as possible.

I hope you get lots of support from your friends and family.

Penfold007 · 02/10/2016 09:59

Sadly I think your going to discover a OW somewhere very soon. He's judging you by his own behaviour.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/10/2016 10:01

I'm a bit sceptical when some posters claim to be able to tell exactly why someone does something

Yep me too. Unless you have have a crystal ball there is no way you know.

It could be that he is having an affair, it could be the OP is or neither of them are unless you are them, you don't know.

FlourishingMrs · 02/10/2016 10:04

After 6 years, I would need a civilised firm conversation with with him before I left,unless he has always been a fool?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/10/2016 10:52

"He wants to try and work things out"

Oh, does he now? Sounds to me like he's planning some strategy to get you tip-toeing around desperately trying to please him. I'd warn you not to fall for such a manipulative trick. You'll be giving him all the power. I'd be minded to take him at his word, and this relationship is over.

He's a nasty bastard.

magoria · 02/10/2016 11:04

What Bitter says. Does this 'working things out' involve you bending over backwards and kissing your own arse to convince him to forgive you for his imagined slights?

Also what about next time you go out? Or can you not any longer?

Or next time he does and comes back and accuses you again?

Or next time you argue?

Or next time you receive a text?

Or does he now have a licence to cheat to get his own back?

It is as painful as hell but unless he is 100% apologetic and knows he was wrong I don't see how you can come back from such brutal actions.

EmmaMacgill · 02/10/2016 11:25

So he's 100% conviced you're sleeping with a workmate but he's happy to work things out? Sounds dodgy to me, has he always been the jealous type?
Take your time before deciding what to do and don't beg or lower your expectations. He's behaved appalingly, you need an apology and an explanation

Ohdearducks · 02/10/2016 11:44

The fact he can accuse and disbelieve you so easily speaks volumes I think, if he has so little trust in you after 6 years the relationship is not what you thought it was. I'm inclined to think the accusations are part of some game he's playing to get you scrambling to convince him you're faithful and gain control/power. Id be so angry that he could believe such awful things of me with no reason or proof, he's treating you so badly for no reason other than to wrongfoot you and gain control it seems.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/10/2016 12:09

He wants to try and work things out now

Offfffcoursehedoes.... Classic abuser technique.

but I've had a sudden realisation I don't know if this is what I want anymore

Well done OP. Stay with it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/10/2016 12:21

...and doubly difficult because it's very hard to prove a negative. If you aren't having an affair, how the hell would you prove it? I suppose you could always hand him your phone, open up your emails, ask him to find one tiny scrap of evidence that you'd 'cheated', but absence of evidence would only make him think you'd wiped everything.

Or you can just tell him that you are innocent of all charges but wouldn't want to spend one second longer in the company of a man who could even suspect you of such a thing, pack your things and leave.

I know how it feels to have something like this come out of the blue, my XH and I had gone away for the weekend when he sprang it on me that we were over. Keep your chin up and your self respect intact (and tell everyone what a shit he has been!).

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/10/2016 12:38

Yep me too. Unless you have have a crystal ball there is no way you know ... unless you are them, you don't know.

We have the information in front of us, piglet. We have OP telling us about her life. As Sherlock and Holmes have their client on that chair, we have her words on a screen. Based on that information, and our own experiences, many of us with abusers, we offer what advice we can. If you disbelieve OP, report her to MNHQ.

FWIW, "we don't know what goes on behind closed doors" is exactly the kind of cop-out shit that allowed generations of wife beaters to get away with it.

IamSwitzerland · 02/10/2016 13:22

This must be awful for you OP, maybe we can help you put it all together?

Have you ever seen any sign of a robotic cold side to him before? Do you know anything about his previous relationships?