My head is so fucked up right now it is unreal.
In so many ways my relationship is good. I suffer chronic pain issues and DH does most of the housework and such as I am often in no state to do it myself. He does this (for the most part) without a word said. he is an attentive father to our children, if a bit lax on telling them off for things.
However, recently there have been...issues. Massive arguments about little things and such. And more recently, we have been arguing a lot about DSD. DH split from his ex before I met him but has been a steady presence in his childrens lives. They stayed with him 3-5 days per week (usually just weekends, but more if they chose to. And for pretty much the whole of the school holidays also)and he is responsible for things like getting them new clothes and such too. This continued when we got together (we didn't have any kids together then) I love them and (I think) they like me too. I try not to interfere too much as afterall they are not my kids and it should be down to DH and his ex to sort out any issues. However I do often need to tell them off when DH is not here, and sometimes when he 'ignores' behavior. This has never been an issue until recently. Their mother agrees that when they are in my house they go by my rules too, so this situation has not came around because of her putting her foot down or anything. I am actually quite close friends with their mother (I know that will sound so weird to people on here but it is true)
The issue right now is DSD. She is 12 and developing an attitude like teenage girls do. However, DH seems to have just started letting her get her way ALL of the time. She has recently decided that her school have said she absolutely has to have her own laptop and printer as they are only going to give out homework that has to be done on a laptop and printed out. I offered use of the computer but this is no good apparently. Now, I can see this is bullshit and no school would say she needs her own and such as many parents cannot afford this. But DH is lapping it up and now reckons we have to buy her one, tomorrow. She has moaned all night about not having it yet and I have had enough. We cannot afford to go spending on stuff she doesn't actually need just because shes coming out with some cock and bull story about her school saying she has to have her own. I doubt the school has even said her homework must be done on a computer but willing to let that slide, I just cannot get my head around him accepting her story and as such skinting us badly for the entire month just so she gets her own way. She has her own laptop (that we bought) at home with her mother. I have asked why she couldn't simply bring it over and use that but no, thats not an option. She says it is broken, I offer to get it fixed but thats no good either (no reason given) so basically...she just wants 2 laptops to herself. If anyone can see this as anything else please enlighten me? As I cannot make sense of her story at all.
Anyway, this was a bit 'straw that broke the camels back' after months of him letting her do whatever she likes and giving into her ridiculous tantrums. I did snap at him tonight which I am feeling guilty for but I am really at the end of my tether here and conversation doesn't seem to work as he goes down the 'why would she lie, are you accusing her of lying' route.
My main issue is the lack of discipline among the stepkids. My children are picking up on this and their behavior is getting the same. They are now violent with each other (after watching 2 DSSs 'wrestling' with each other) and DD seems to be picking up on the attitude and screaming if she doesn't get her way with stuff. And so on. Since DH lets DSC do what they like (within reason, stops them if they are hurting each other or doing something dangerous) I am often left to tell them to stop doing stupid stuff, and then I get 'oh just leave them alone' or 'they aren't doing anything wrong' from DH, or a 'I am ALLOWED" screamed in my face from DSD followed by stropping and/or crying for ages. I do not want my children to grow up like this..and I can see it happening as they are surrounded by other kids who act this way and are not checked for it. I find it very hard to tell my own off for something whilst 'allowing' the others to go on doing the same thing but at the same time I cannot just ignore the behavior from my own for fear it will get worse, along with not wanting kids who just ignore me totally. Which it will end up as... This situation seems to have crept up on us tbh as there doesn't seem to have been any issues until the past few months. he told them off when they did wrong. Had no issue with me doing so either, especially if he was out.
Anyway back to tonight. As I said shit kind of hit the fan over this stupid laptop situation. Me and DH had a huge row over it which resulted in me sitting in the kitchen crying into my cup of tea...pathetic right?
I should probably add at this stage that we had already been rowing over DSC because they had been going on fucking ridiculous and he was ignoring it and telling me to leave it. MIL tried telling them too and got the 'oh let them be' reply. DS started running riot with all of the pandemonium (he gets overly excited with a lot of stimulation) and basically the situation ended with DSD crying as DS had ran into her leg, and DH shouting at DS for this! Which didn't sit right with me at all. DS is 2 years old and will obviously join in when the others are running around and stuff, and him running into someones leg is hardly him being malicious or anything, it was clearly an accident. DH went on as if our son had purposely cracked her with a hammer or something rather than had an accident and I cannot stand to see my son treat in that way just because a 12 year old takes a strop.
So yeah, I was crying in the kitchen out of the way of everyone and MIL comes in. She has noticed a definite change in him recently too as he has started getting ridiculously short tempered with her too. I told her my concerns about my own 2s behavior that I think has came from them watching the others. Her advice was for me to offer an ultimatum. Either sort out his kids or I take ours and move out.
It seems so drastic though, but I honestly cannot deal with the situation as it is. I don't want feral children, I don't want to be telling my own to stop whilst they see others being left alone. I don't want to be effectively told off myself for mentioning bad behavior. But most all other ways, I guess I have the perfect relationship, its just this one sticking point. But its a huge one for me.
I don't know what I expect to get from this thread, I just wanted to write it all down I guess. Also any advice on how to deal with this..would be hugely appreciated. If he doesn't start saying no to DSC..then the situation will never resolve. I cannot have a conversation about it as he gets all defensive, claims he has done nothing wrong, claims they do nothing wrong..I am exaggerating, and so on. A few weeks back I thought I had got through to him and he promised change, but nothing has changed. But is this really a 'LTB' situation? I guess it has to be as its impacting on my childrens lives in a huge way right now, and on my own too. I am so confused right now.