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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I reported him and now I feel horrendously guilty. TW: sexual assault.

35 replies

AmbivalentGirl · 01/10/2016 16:37

Namechanged.

A year ago I went through what I believe to be coercive acquaintance/date rape. A man I'd known for 10 years, and previously slept with in a consensual context, slapped me across the face repeatedly and told me "I could rape you if I wanted", pulled me into a dark car park and there I let him have sex with me. I say I let him because I believed it was inevitable.

I was watching a documentary about sex crime investigation and something made me pick up the phone to the police. They're being very good.

But I went on to his Facebook profile and saw him there with his brother, sister, friends. He doesn't look like a monster, just a normal man. I know many people would say he's manipulative, unfeeling, creepy, and he has always had a reputation for preying on women and girls with low self-esteem. But he looks so normal. It'll be my fault if he's arrested. I feel awful.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 01/10/2016 16:41

Why?
You've done the right thing without question.
You said it yourself - he preyed on women with low self esteem, he hit you and abused you and didn't think about you once and how you were feeling.
Stay strong and don't look at any more photos.

CharminglyGawky · 01/10/2016 16:45

Nobody looks like a monster and everybody has a family, even serial killers fit into society and will have a mother and a father at the very least.

Doesn't mean that he didn't do a monstrous thing and one that absolutely should be reported. I am so sorry this happened to you and well done for reporting, that can't have been easy.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/10/2016 16:48

No, it won't be your fault if he's arrested, it will be his. He perpetrated a crime against your person. He'll likely be questioned but possibly not arrested. The act was not witnessed and there's no longer any physical evidence that what you have reported actually took place, so it will be your word against his.

Hopefully his card will be marked if any other women make a similar complaint.

Original poster
AmbivalentGirl · 01/10/2016 16:48

Thanks for replying. Logically, I know you're right. I guess because we had a close relationship before the incident, I am having trouble separating our friendship from the horrible thing that he did. I know people aren't heroes or villains and we all have the potential to be bad. It's still a shock, I suppose. I am second-guessing myself a lot.

I'll stay strong. I don't want him to do this to anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmbivalentGirl · 01/10/2016 16:49

There was a CCTV camera so there may well be evidence. It was pointed at the area it took place at.

OP posts:
ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 01/10/2016 16:53

you absolutely did the right thing OP, Flowers

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2016 16:54

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I doubt the CCTV images would still be there from a year ago, would they?

Have a look at someone like Ted Bundy - classically handsome guy that nobody would look at and think was anything other than an ordinary man. They don't all look like monsters (though some do eg Jimmy Saville.)

Tiggywinkler · 01/10/2016 16:56

I'm sorry this happened to you. Well done for reporting it!

Every time you wobble, imagine it's a friend in your position. Tell yourself the things you'd tell her.

TemporarilyLost · 01/10/2016 17:04

You've absolutely done the right thing and should be proud of yourself. Imagine the other women you are preventing going through what you have.

Happybunny19 · 01/10/2016 18:04

You have done exactly the right thing reporting him. You mentioned he is known to prey on the vulnerable, so how many other times has he done this? You could save any further victims with your complaint to the police.

You may have thought you had a friendship with him but he obviously didn't feel the same. Friends don't rape, and you most certainly were in that carpark.

Please don't pity this monstrous excuse for a man, he deserves a taste of his own medicine in the prison showers. Perhaps the role of prison bitch might give him an insight into the pain he's caused.

Cary2012 · 01/10/2016 18:21

No, the fault is his.
Everyone has family, so what if you saw a pic on FB of him looking 'normal'? You are not guilty he is. Who knows if you are the first woman he has done this to? You did the right thing for the right reasons.
You're brave, the police are taking you seriously.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2016 18:40

None of this is on you. Nothing at all.

All of this is on him, and it became all on him the second he raped you. He had a choice, be knew that by raping you he was breaking the law and may well have to face the consequences, but he chose to do it anyway.

This is all on him, never forget that.

YappyYapster · 01/10/2016 18:43

The man who assaulted me a few years ago died as a hero recently, saving a child's life. We have many mutual friends so my FB has been filled with all these glowing tributes to him. I've had to hide a lot of people.

Hidingtonothing · 02/10/2016 01:42

I look at my rapists FB page sometimes (I was 13 and never reported it) he looks 'normal', has a family etc but I know he preyed on young teenage girls when he was in his early twenties. I wish one of us had been brave enough to go to the police, I admire you OP and no, nothing that happens from here will be your fault, he deserves to be arrested Flowers

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/10/2016 01:47

Oh god. Don't feel guilty. He deserves everything the legal system can throw at him.

OlennasWimple · 02/10/2016 01:47

That's one of the scariest things about rapists: they don't "look like rapists". They don't have a big sign on their chest, or three eyes, or something else that makes them look like monsters.

OP it's absolutely not your fault, and well done on finding the courage to come forward now Flowers

JacquettaWoodville · 02/10/2016 01:51

Well done OP.

My cousin was raped by a good looking, popular guy, straight A student, witty, all that. He's still a despicable rapist. Unfortunately we can't know from looking at them.

Flowers
Lweji · 02/10/2016 01:55

You didn't make it up, so it's not your fault.
It's his entirely.

Be strong.

Destinysdaughter · 02/10/2016 02:09

Men who rape don't look like 'monsters', that's just a media invention. 85,000 women are raped every year, mainly by men who they know. You were very brave and strong to report it. Men like this are very manipulative and know exactly what they are doing and rely on the silence of their victims to get away with this. They also know the chances of a conviction are very rare so feel safe in what they are doing. Please don't feel guilty. He has violated you and committed a crime. I'm glad the police are taking it seriously and even if it never goes to court or you don't get a conviction, there will still be a record of it which can be used if anyone else makes an allegation of rape against him in the future and will make a conviction more likely.

Stay strong. You did the right thing.

Superstar90 · 02/10/2016 02:22

Well done op - you've done the right thing.
I always get surprised when they show pictures of child abusers etc on the news-tv - and they just look like normal people - you def can't tell someone's personality by looks.
You can move on now knowing that hopefully justice will be done

Destinysdaughter · 02/10/2016 02:26

And if there were real consequences for men who raped women, maybe some of them would think twice about it. If we can stop drink driving or using a mobile in cars, why can't we stop this?

Bogeyface · 02/10/2016 02:57

And if there were real consequences for men who raped women, maybe some of them would think twice about it. If we can stop drink driving or using a mobile in cars, why can't we stop this?

Because the legal system is still dominated by men who are either doing this shit and dont want to stop, so they victim blame, they intimidate, they lie, or they are supporting men who do this so they victim blame, intimdate and lie.

Look at Operation Yewtree. Scores and scores of young people abused and raped. It was known about and yet no one did anything because the men who did it were powerful and they used that power to silence anyone who was a risk.

It's disgusting that using a mobile phone in your car is seen as less socially acceptable than raping someone. It needs to change, it HAS to change.

Keep the faith AmbivalentGirl You have given a gift to sexual abuse victims by reporting him. The more women that do that, the less they can ignore us xx

MoominKitten · 02/10/2016 04:42

Well done. You are so brace. You did exactly the right thing. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

The fact that you have difficulty separating your prior friendship and his assault on you, in an indication of the kind, compassionate person you are. It is a reflection on your nature/character, not an indication of his.

If he was kind and compassionate, would he have been able to do that to anyone, never mind a friend? No. You are having difficulty seeing rape as part of friendship, precisely because rape has no part in friendship.

MoominKitten · 02/10/2016 04:42

Brace not brace.

MoominKitten · 02/10/2016 04:58

Brave. Brave. Brave.