I reported him and now I feel horrendously guilty. TW: sexual assault.

[AmbivalentGirl]

Namechanged.

A year ago I went through what I believe to be coercive acquaintance/date rape. A man I'd known for 10 years, and previously slept with in a consensual context, slapped me across the face repeatedly and told me "I could rape you if I wanted", pulled me into a dark car park and there I let him have sex with me. I say I let him because I believed it was inevitable.

I was watching a documentary about sex crime investigation and something made me pick up the phone to the police. They're being very good.

But I went on to his Facebook profile and saw him there with his brother, sister, friends. He doesn't look like a monster, just a normal man. I know many people would say he's manipulative, unfeeling, creepy, and he has always had a reputation for preying on women and girls with low self-esteem. But he looks so normal. It'll be my fault if he's arrested. I feel awful.

I think you're fantastic, OP.

As much as I'd love to, I can't report my historic abuse (though there were some scary parallels with your story - quite reassuring to know there's a 'script').

My abuser went to high school reunion last night and no doubt they all thought he was marvellous. Sometimes I do wonder whether I've blown what he did out of all proportion, because he presents as a nice guy, and I have to give myself a real talking to.

These things can mess with our minds forever, so we need to be strong.

*the high school reunion

You have been incredibly brave and done the right thing. Most rapes and sexual assaults are between people who know each other, hence the complicated relationship and feelings, but it's still a crime. Don't imagine it's not real or criminal or wrong just because he wasn't a stranger leaping out at you.

If we can stop drink driving or using a mobile in cars, why can't we stop this?

We haven't stopped either of those. They still happen, as does every crime.

Most criminals come across as lovely, charming, caring individuals who are no different to you or I. Until you witness them offending, and their other side appears. You witnessed this when he assaulted you, it is real, it is who he is, his friends and family just aren't aware of it (yet). Well done for reporting OP. They may have the CCTV (some places retain it for 12 months), but if they don't and the investigation doesn't result in a conviction, just know that you've built up a picture that will likely be added to in the future when he assaults someone again, making it more likely that he will be held to account.

He has done it once he could do it again. You reporting him could be enough to stop that. Well done, you could have saved someone else from a similar experience. Even if he isn't charged the investigation let's the police know he has form. Please stick to your guns. You are doing brilliantly

Well done for reporting what he did to you. Your courage may have saved another woman from going through something similar in the future.

He may well have very many good characteristics, and be well liked by his family and friends - that's irrelevant. It doesn't alter the fact that he committed an act of sexual violence and now must be held to account for it.

You are so brave and absolutely NOT to blame.

As several others have said there are even well known rapists even serial killers who not only look 'normal' but we're even considered good looking. Also charming, good jobs etc. Just look at Ian Brady, ched Evans, Brock turner. Christ Ted Bundy was being groomed for political office and considered by those who knew him a suitable candidate for high office (governor or president!)

They don't usually look odd, even less well known ones in your local area you'll have seen on the news look normal, have families, hold down jobs. In the town I grew up in recently a local business owner now in his 60's was convicted for molesting young girls. Reactions have been either shock 'he seemed such a nice man' or total lack of surprise 'he always gave me the creeps' plus other victims have come forward.

Good luck as your case moves forward.

Some serial killers were very charming and appeared lovely, appearances deceive.

You did the right thing op. Good luck.