Anyone elses MIL have a 'favourite' grandchild? Grrrrrrrr........

[uglybettyrules]

My DH and I are like most familes in regards to both working full-time and having a couple of kids - always rushing around and never enough hours in the day if you get my drift. His parents live not far from us and his mum takes our DD & DS to nursery a couple of days a week as we both have to start work at silly times. (They get dropped off so she probably has them for an hour tops). Even though we live so close we try not to put on them too often - kids have never slept over (MIL says they have to be out of nappies until she'll have them), I can count on one hand the number of times they have babysat etc. Anyway, now his sister has had a baby our two never seem to get a look in. His sister didn't take to motherhood very well and the baby was always round his parents, staying over all weekend. He is now over a year old but their life seems to revolve around him and my SIL/BIL. They are all going on holiday in May (We weren't asked but couldn't afford to anyway) and on the few occassions we have rung to ask if they could help out in a emergency - they can't because they are looking after xxxxx. Sometimes its all I can do to stop myself shouting out 'that you do have two other grandchildren you know...' Sorry rant over. It just makes me cross

I think it's to do with the fact that it is their daughter's child. The mother/daughter relationship can be very strong, especially once the daughter starts her own family.

I have 3 boys and MIL was thrilled when we had our first as she'd thought she'd never have any grandchildren. She was never a particularly hands-on grandmother, but she did show an interest. However, when SIL had her child, it was as if our boys didn't exist.

MIL has never had any of our boys to stay over, yet has our niece on a weekly basis. She is always buying stuff for nieces and, if we visit and start to talk about the boys, she steers the conversation around to talking exclusively about niece. It drives me nuts, but there isn't much I can do about it. The boys have started to notice though and their view of their grandmother has changed as a result.

Fortunately, they have another grandmother (my mum) who is fantastic and whom they love dearly. I'm not sure they'd notice if MIl disappeared without trace. Her loss.

I agree with freckle that it could be to do with it being her daughter. MY mum watches my two if we go out but would only ever ask PIL if stuck. My mum probably sees my 2 more than my brothers but thats because i make more of an effort even although he stays next door to her.

Neither my mum or PIL have a favourite as all grandkids are treated equally.(Well maybe my dd gets treated more favourably by her papa but thats just because she is the youngest)

I thought it was true about the MIL preferring her daughters children until I thought about it and realised that my own mum prefers my SILs kids. Either my children are a bit difficult or I am a bit sensitive .

I think I may have been a bit over possessive of my two and not willing to share them so now when I need a babysitter there are not many offers.

There is not a damn thing you can do about it though so just try to be grateful either a) at least your niece is getting lots of love or b) at least your kids are not being poisoned by too much close contact with the evil in laws. Take your pick.

Agree re it being the daughter?s children. Also it can have something to do with the fact she maybe sees your sil?s kids more/is relied on more to help with them etc.

My mum has a much closer relationship with my sister?s eldest ds than with my ds, but IMO that?s because my sister relies on her for help a lot more than I do, and therefore she sees a lot more of him than my ds. But I certainly don?t think she has favourites.

And ds is the only grandchild on my dh?s side so no issue there.

I felt sorry for my sil because she had daughters, they were dismissed no matter what they did mil and fil weren't too interested in them.

I came along 10 years later and had boys they're the apple of their grandparents eyes. I use to hate it cos I'd get the resentment from my sil. I'd feel for my nieces as they were often pushed aside for their boy cousins. However the cousins all get on really well despite that.

But my sil's were ignored when they were children and when the 2 boys (my husband and his brother) came along they we're everything to the parents.

Unfortunately its repeated itself in the grandchildren. pil are in late 80's bit set in their ways.

But on a brighter note sil had a boy few days ago and is currently being smothered by her parents. Go figure. Its not fair but it happens unfortunately.

Oh thank God!! thought I was the only one with this problem!(not that I would wish it on anyone!) Dps brother and girlfriend (if your still with me)have a little boy who is two months older than dd. Now, in fairness, they live closer to dps parents than we do (they are only five minutes away, we are 15 - 20 minutes away) and it is like both children have COMPLETELY different grandparents, they are so so so good to dps nephew but imo, practically ignore dd.... it really upsets me!!

They have admitted before that they could not go a day without seeing (and dont go a day without) the little boy but have gone 5 weeks without bothering to come out to see dd, (the norm is they come out every 2 weeks for 1hour to see her)granted they make a big huge fuss when they see her but to me its all bulls* and just a big show for everyone - like at the little boys 1st birthday party, when we walked in with dd, her grandad scooped her up and flaunted around the house all lovey with her like he was the most fantastic, loving grandad in the world... rubbish!.

They swan over the little boy, he gets sooooo much attention off all dps family (his other 2 brothers and sister) but dd gets NONE. its very unfair. We have even said it to them but it has made no difference..... I just worry incase dd notices when shes bigger (only 15months now) and does'nt feel left out....

I really really can emphatise with how your feeling.. I hope your ok.. you just have to think, its their own loss - voluntarily missing out on two beautiful little children... hope your ok.

i have to agree with some of the precious comments my grandma always favoured my aunties kids over my sister and myself

it led to us not liking her much as when we would go to her house we would get told off all the time and then would spend the day justhearing how good x and y were

I would say my mil makes more time for her daughter's children and has certainly bought lots in the ways of clothes and toys etc for them, more so than my 2 and dh's brother's children. But that's life.

I can also confirm that it seems to be to do with daughters. I don't have the problem as I live abroad but my sister lives next door to my parents and has a great life when they can just send the kids over the back wall to grans house but her MIL lives over the road and she has never babysat for them.

My MIL has 2 favourite grandchildren - BIL and SIl's 2 children. They (BIL) live 20 minutes down the road from them, MIL and step PIL visit them once a month and never bother coming to see our two.
So yes, she has her faves.

Thanks for all your comments. BarbieLoveKen - thank god I'm not the only one who's in this situation. What makes it worse is that my DH already has a bit of the 'middle child syndrome' (Has older bro, and sis who is the youngest) so feels a bit of the black sheep of the family already. I fear this is just underlining all that...

taking favoutism to a whole new level!...dp's evil mother told his sister (who's dd is 6 months younger than mine, but we cut all ties with mil when we realised what a piece of work she was)that no child would ever comapre to her love for xxx(my dd)..the same dd she hasnt seen since she was 4 months old!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she also told SIL that I (me)am the daughter she never had"!!!!!!!!!!!!...to clarify, that was to her OWN daughter

Fecked up evil witch!

Yep same here. MIl prefers her two eldest grandchildren to the point of paying for their private education, babysitting three times a week for them and rarely if ever for us.

We are lucky if our dc get a birthday card.

If it were up to me I would cut all ties with them cos it is disrespectful. I think it stems from DP not being respected by his parents.

DS is doing really well at school and DP and I are not the type to boast (cept on MN and to my Mum) but I decided to wax lyrical about the latest thing the teacher said about him. Do you know what she said?

Well first she looked confused after all this mantle is only for her first grandchildren and then when she had gathered herself she said -' well he didn't get that from his father' and then proceeded to tell me a story about how dreadful DP was at school (not helped by his treatment at the hands of such parents).

Forgot DS's birthday two years in a row and when I spied her scheduler on the wall in her house every birthday was noted cept DS's. I could sound paranoid but hey!!!

MIL never misses a chance to tell me SIL dd1 will always be the favourate because she's the first born, she'll always have different feelings for her than all the other ones.

I'm not sure what to do when when dc start noticing that she gets more attention than them.

yes I fear that since my sil had a baby, her ds is now the favourite. I dont know if that is becuase he is her daughter#s child, and so their relationship is stronger than that of my dh and his mother, and thus our children or not???

I also know that my dm has a favourite among my two ds... shocking isnt it?

my dh is the oldest of 3 brothers. his youngest brother has 7 children ( 2 of which are step) when his first child was born he was clearly fav grandchild ( i had already had three) there was often no money for birthday presents for my children. sometimes no xmas presents. "but xxxx is only 1,2,3,4,5, years old" was the given excuse.

i paid her to look after my children whilst i worked - got ex sil job at same place - mil never charged her.

it goes on. ex sil moved away taking children with her huge battle over 5 years ensued. and mil had rare contact with those 4 children. BIL remarried has another child - the new favourite.

same thing re xmas - no pressies here. my children even know it. thats the sad part.

the last cutting comment i can remember was " when i die this house is going to xxxx" ( the latest granchild)

i dont think she was intending malie - i honestly think she 'forgot' i had three of her grandchildren

to compound this futile situation. my mother is insane and my father dead so no maternal granparently love either.

I think any parent, seeing their child really struggle, will tend to run to their aid. It sounds like they have been sucked in because your SIL can't cope, and have probably been asked frequently for help, which they have given willingly.

I really feel for you and wonder whether you could book some time further in advance where they babsit. I suspect that they just think you are coping really well compared to the others, because you don't complain as much.

It is very unfair, but those who make the most noise tend to get the most help.

I very much doubt it is anything personal, but I know it doesn't make it any easier when you are in the situation.

Hi Am new to Mumsnet so apologies in advance for mistakes in posting.

My MIL has a clear favourite grandchild - her eldest and all family aware, she even told me this herself 3 weeks ago (my dd is the youngest at moment)She then complains that the others don't visit as often and doesn't seem to understand that this may affect how they feel towards her.

Have to say it doesn't bother me at all though.

Even if preferences apply, they don't always have to be bad. I think my mother actually favours my nephew over my children, but to be honest I can rationalise it and am completely relaxed about it.

My SIL's parents are long dead, and my nephew has no other grandparents - compared to when my 2 were born their other grandparents lived over the road. Also my brother and SIL are not married and I know my mother has a huge worry that they will split up and she will have no access to my nephew/her grandson again (leaving aside that my brother and his partner have been together 10 years, there is no evidence they will split up, and my SIL would actually have to have a complete personality transplant to deny my parents access to their grandchild).

My mum has always gone out of her way to be an "uber grandmother" to my nephew, and she has really worked hard to be a great mother-in-law to my SIL (who really appreciates it and, to be frank, is probably nicer to her than I am!) So if she prefers my nephew, well then I think it is great all round, to be honest, and a reflection of the work my mum, SIL and nephew have all put into the relationship. Similarly if they wanted to leave any money disproportionately to my nephew (no idea) over my children I would completely understand - DH and I are more financially stable, DH's parents would presumably include my children in their will etc.

I think my MIL favours my DS1 over her other grandchildren - he's so like his Dad and they are very close so I think she's reliving the experience all over again.

It's very wearing

mmmm sometimes i think mils and mothers tend to favour the child who needs them the most. or who they perceive to need them the most. Perhaps it's just that the daughter has really struggled and they feel more needed by her.
My mother has both sons and daughters and all have children. She favours her boys (who are very needy) and also her male grandchildren (my boy included) I think she just thinks women and girls 'get on with it'

'Err... yes mum that will be because we've had to just blardy get on with it!'
Issues? me?...never

My PIL's favourite is SIL's DD. That is definitely due to the fact that MIL is closer to SIL than to my DH, who has always been more independent. SIL has more financial woes than us and FIL babysits so that she can work part-time, and they even babysit one evening a week so that SIL and her DH can have a night out! This would not be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that my parents live overseas and our DSs are their only grandchildren. My parents are also particularly great with children so I feel terrible that my boys are missing out on having a close relationship with their grandparents.

Both my sister and SIL are pregnant and both live very close to their respective parents so it should be interesting to see how the grandchild dynamic changes once they have their babies. I hate to say it but I hope that SIL has another girl as then at least my boys retain the status as the only boys.

Much sympathy uglybettyrules

My mother has a favourite grandchild- my eldest. Sadly it is very obvious. She can be quite evil to my boys sometimes, while DD can do no wrong. The stupid thing is that my brother was very obviously her favourite as we were growing up which left me with some serious psych problems. I don't know if she feels she is "putting it right" somehow with my DD, but it isn't doing her grandsons much good.