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Original poster

Anyone elses MIL have a 'favourite' grandchild? Grrrrrrrr........

38 replies

uglybettyrules · 06/02/2007 13:52

My DH and I are like most familes in regards to both working full-time and having a couple of kids - always rushing around and never enough hours in the day if you get my drift. His parents live not far from us and his mum takes our DD & DS to nursery a couple of days a week as we both have to start work at silly times. (They get dropped off so she probably has them for an hour tops). Even though we live so close we try not to put on them too often - kids have never slept over (MIL says they have to be out of nappies until she'll have them), I can count on one hand the number of times they have babysat etc. Anyway, now his sister has had a baby our two never seem to get a look in. His sister didn't take to motherhood very well and the baby was always round his parents, staying over all weekend. He is now over a year old but their life seems to revolve around him and my SIL/BIL. They are all going on holiday in May (We weren't asked but couldn't afford to anyway) and on the few occassions we have rung to ask if they could help out in a emergency - they can't because they are looking after xxxxx. Sometimes its all I can do to stop myself shouting out 'that you do have two other grandchildren you know...' Sorry rant over. It just makes me cross

OP posts:

BarbieLovesKen · 06/02/2007 18:41

uglybettyrules, I really feel like im writing your words myself!! - dp too, I suspect has a case of middle child syndrome! - hes not technically a "middle child" but is the second oldest from a family of 5 children with a very small age gap -- and has said exactly just that, that he has always felt like the black sheep and has felt that he has never been treated the same as his siblings... add the fact that history is repeating itself in the respect that his baby is been treated differently to his brothers baby.. and although he will talk about it sometimes, I worry that it bothers him more than he lets on.. its hard to know what to do, isnt it?

scorpio1 · 06/02/2007 18:42

yes. my MIL has a very obvious favourite-my stepson. its quite hard really to ignore it. i have brought it up before and its got me no where. so, i just think i love my boys enough for her too

Original poster

uglybettyrules · 07/02/2007 12:03

Barbielovesken (and everyone else who posted) - you've all cheered my up knowing that I'm not the only one with a MIL who's not from Hell... merely loitering by the gates on the way in Like scorpio1 says I love my two enough including her share! Barbirlovesken - how spooky! Let me know if you ever want a chat!

OP posts:

BarbieLovesKen · 07/02/2007 15:11

Will do, glad your feeling better!
Keep me updated on how things go, if anything changes... best of luck!

twoisenoughmum · 07/02/2007 15:21

Don't have time at the moment to read all of this thread (school run looms) but my MIL has 4 grandchildren and she has one who is definitely her LEAST favourite. I can't bear to see and hear the way she treats him (always saying negative things behind his back etc). This poor little boy (not mine, my BIL's) can do no right and although she is a fab G-ma to the other 3, she is utterly diminished in my eyes because of this. One day I want to tell her what I think about all of this - it is horrendous. Don't know if my BIL and SIL are aware, but I find her behaviour abhorrent. I used to be quite fond of her until this little one was born (he's only a week younger than my youngest) and if I'm honest, I'd say my youngest is probably her favourite. Doesn't make me feel any better that it's this way round.

Bozza · 07/02/2007 15:31

Hmm my MIL doesn't have a favourite as such in that I don't think that she loves my nephew anymore than my DS or DD or treats him more materially than them. But when at MILs life has to revolve around the needs of DN. He is 2 (as is DD) and DS is 5. But when DN was little, DS wasn't allowed his toys out because DN might put them in his mouth. Mealtimes have to suit DN rather than DS and DD. A trip might have to be cut short/postponed due to DN's mood etc. That sort of thing.

A lot of this is to do with my SIL & BIL relying a lot more on her parents than we ever did, and being more stressed by parenthood than us. But it often rankles with me. And sometimes I do get a bit of protective-mother instinct kicking in.

Although TBF in most ways my MIL is a fantastic grandma to my two and they love her very much. So I think it is more my (and to a lesser extent DH's) problem. DH knows where I am coming from but the dynamics are different, but there are occasions when he is driven mad too.

ProfYaffle · 07/02/2007 15:35

My Nan used to favour my cousins over me (their parents were her favoured children, the oldest and youngest child, one male, one female) she was very open about it and actually sat down and explained it all to me when i was small. My Mum and Dad hit the roof when I told them but I genuinely wasn't bothered.

My MIL favours her other gc over my dd which is kind of odd as dh has always been her favourite (youngest of 3 boys)

Hang on, I seem to be the common thread in these stories

sorkycake · 07/02/2007 15:52

My PIL don't have favourites as such, I think, but they do help out an awful lot with my BIL and everyone else is expected to now as well since they split up (BIL/SIL).
They have the 2 eldest boys, the eldest of them being the one who can do no wrong. The youngest gets away with some appalling behaviour simply because they acknowledge he's not as "good, kind, sensible" as his older brother. Babysitting - no problem. Stay over every week on a specific day, pick up's from school three days a week. Cue me/Dh - have their only Gd and a third Gs. We did ask them for help with childcare when I was back to work because my mother who had looked after Dd for me became ill and obviously would've struggled. MIL agreed if I dropped my hours to 2 pm's a week then she would mind her. She lasted 4 months! We don't ask them to babysit unless I'm absolutely desperate! They expect us to visit them once a week but if we didn't go we wouldn't see them. Mine have never stayed over and I'm never going to let them now either. Since BIL's breakup they've taken a bit less interest in our kids, but I reckon she thinks BIL needs her whereas really we've always puddled along ourselves. It'll be their loss in the end. She cleans their house once a week, does all the washing at her house etc. As these boys get older they won't want as much contact and help and when she wants to transfer that attention to my 2/3 she's about to get a shock.

GreatGooglyMoogly · 07/02/2007 20:29

Oooh, just remembered a recent conversation with PIL. They were talking about an elderly friend of theirs and how her favourite grandaughter was in hospital. I questioned how she could have a favourite. They were puzzled that I thought there was anything wrong with that and after much thought said that this grandaughter (20something) made more of an effort to keep in touch with her grandmother. Their looks when I questioned it and the length of time it took for them to "justify" it say a lot about their views on favouritism, i.e. that it is perfectly normal/ reasonable.

DontlookatmeImshy · 07/02/2007 21:28

If my MIL has any favouites she doesn't show it.Although I suspect my SIL's probably are the favourite sinply because a) they're the first ones, b) they're her daughter's children and c)SIL lives very nearby and she sees them everyday whereas we live 6hrs away and she sees ds every couple of months.

I don't have a problem with it although SIL (who is usually lovely) really p***d me off when I was about 20wks pregnant and visiting PIL. We were taking about grandchildren and she turned to MIL and said in jokey voice "But xxx and yyy (her kids) will always be you're favourites" Can't remember exactly what MILsaid but she'd didn't confirm it. I vaguely remember a bit of an embarrassed silence.

I just remember thinking Yes they probably willbe but no need to be so insensitive about it you cow.

drosophila · 08/02/2007 08:21

Interesting I really don't know how favouritism works. MY MIL clearly favours her two eldes grandchildren. She hardly ever sees my two and when she does she obviously favour my DD over my DS. Why??? DD is a cutie but so is DS. It really pisses me off because a little self awarenss and you can probably talk your way out of having favourites iykwim.

escape · 08/02/2007 08:37

you are right drosophilia - it's a sad fact of families that these things happen, it's just when it is acted upon, or verbally confirmed that is so unneccessary - why don't adults realise that Children have feelings AND ears sometimes!

Saturn74 · 08/02/2007 08:40

MIL blatantly has two favourite grandchildren (half of her total amount), and neither of them are my children!

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