Would you go no contact with your parents if this was your history with them?

[Superheroes]

I've had a difficult relationship with my parents for years, always find them highly critical of me and my choices.

I've been having counselling lately and have unearthed a lot of the reasons for my resentment and anger towards them, they seem to be based around I guess a kind of emotional neglect in my childhood, the main issues I am struggling with are:

• my older brother was physically violent to me every day for years and years and years, well into his teens where it escalated into quite frankly terrifying and frequent attacks. He had issues of his own and I see the regular violence I grew up with as being due to poor parenting and a failure to basically safeguard me properly in my own home.

• later there was a lot of emotional neglect. My mother seemed to have 'blind spots' areas that she was not prepared to help me with. e.g. never told me about puberty, didn't buy me sanitary protection or bras (I had to steal hers). She discovered I had an eating disorder, told me off for it and then never spoke of it again.

• later still, in my teens a child I knew was murdered. Parents gave me absolutely zero emotional support when this happened. Basically told me it had happened then left me to it to deal with alone, no breaking the news gently, hugs, anything like that. For reasons I won't go into I then ended up being exposed to the murder scene. They knew this and never, ever once asked how I was. Acted as though the whole thing had never happened, left me to deal with it alone.

These days when I see them they are super-critical, still very bullying, constantly trying to make me bend to their own will through silent treatment, threats or manipulation.

I've worked hard in counselling to get through a lot of this stuff and it hasn't been easy. I'm doing well though :)

But I struggle to get over this shitty relationship with them that is so lacking in any kind of care or emotional connection.

I wonder now, if it is time for me to stop trying. Every time I see them I feel traumatised again, remembering what it was like to grow up in a family home with such a weird dynamic where violence and neglect were allowed to flourish. Therapy has helped a lot with the trauma, but my god I am tired of them both now. Where do I draw the line?

Sorry to say this but I made the mistake of thinking it was not fair to deprive my kids of family. It spectacularly backfired (think worst case scenario),

I'd think twice about facilitating a relationship between your toxic family and your kids iiwy. I wish someone had said this to me back in the day.

Hi Op, up until the bit about the murder I could have written your post as this was also very much my childhood too. An older violent brother and a mother who didn't really parent in the way that other mothers seem to. I too had to wear her bras as she showed no interest in buying me one at age 14...my father although a lovely man was out working all day and didn't know the half of it really. My mother is now a very frail 90 year old and I still have a difficult relationship with her and my dad passed away last year. My brother has many diagnosed mental health conditions and I often wonder how I turned out so 'normal'. I too feel resentment sometimes that I don't have the lovely mother to turn to but I now see her as someone who had her own issues and if she was born in a different era maybe would not have even had children but a high flying career instead. For whatever reason, I am grateful that I turned out to be a strong woman which although in turn did not help our relationship as she resented it but it has enabled me to look at it all rather dispassionately and to also not make the same mistakes with my own family.

Superheroes,

re your comment:-

"I think LC would be good, I feel guilty about how that will affect their relationship with the DC....however, a part of me resents that their sudden interest in me over recent years stems from the fact that it's apparent that my brother won't be having any children, so my DC are the only gc they'll have"

Your parents were not good parents to you, they are unlikely to be decent sorts of grandparents to your children. Such toxic people like your parents do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.
I would not facilitate a relationship between them and your parents, your children need positive role models.

Just to add Superheroes, my experience was that ST became NC, and this lasted two years. It was a very difficult time for me but ultimately I grew clearer and stronger. My mother and I are now back in contact, though I had to set a couple of boundaries near the beginning of renewed contact. That 2 year period of ST/NC really helped me do that. NC does not have to be forever, though for some people it is and totally understandably so - everybody's experience is different. I wouldn't worry about your kids too much in this, where you lead, they'll follow, and they'll benefit from a happier, calmer, more independent mother. Enjoy your ST 'space' for as long as you need! Make you a priority!

Molly - thank you for sharing your experience, it's really good to know that you feel happy and free. It's good to hear success stories.

Springy - that gives me some food for thought, thank you. I'm not sure what the worst case scenario is, but I take your word for it that it can backfire.

Attila - thank you. It's a good point. So far there haven't been any issues with the dc, but it is always there and a worry. It's funny, because my own grandparents didn't play much of a role in my life, but my parents (well, mother) are very keen to be involved (or seen to be involved).

Orphid - thank you, that's interesting to hear. I am going to see how the silent treatment works out, no sign of it abating yet. I was considering visiting for a weekend at half term, but I've realised I'm not at that point...

I've only recently got to the point where I've actually taken in what it was like growing up with them and what it did to me. It's all still very raw at the moment so as others have said I should see ST as a blessing in disguise..