Would you go no contact with your parents if this was your history with them?

[Superheroes]

I've had a difficult relationship with my parents for years, always find them highly critical of me and my choices.

I've been having counselling lately and have unearthed a lot of the reasons for my resentment and anger towards them, they seem to be based around I guess a kind of emotional neglect in my childhood, the main issues I am struggling with are:

• my older brother was physically violent to me every day for years and years and years, well into his teens where it escalated into quite frankly terrifying and frequent attacks. He had issues of his own and I see the regular violence I grew up with as being due to poor parenting and a failure to basically safeguard me properly in my own home.

• later there was a lot of emotional neglect. My mother seemed to have 'blind spots' areas that she was not prepared to help me with. e.g. never told me about puberty, didn't buy me sanitary protection or bras (I had to steal hers). She discovered I had an eating disorder, told me off for it and then never spoke of it again.

• later still, in my teens a child I knew was murdered. Parents gave me absolutely zero emotional support when this happened. Basically told me it had happened then left me to it to deal with alone, no breaking the news gently, hugs, anything like that. For reasons I won't go into I then ended up being exposed to the murder scene. They knew this and never, ever once asked how I was. Acted as though the whole thing had never happened, left me to deal with it alone.

These days when I see them they are super-critical, still very bullying, constantly trying to make me bend to their own will through silent treatment, threats or manipulation.

I've worked hard in counselling to get through a lot of this stuff and it hasn't been easy. I'm doing well though :)

But I struggle to get over this shitty relationship with them that is so lacking in any kind of care or emotional connection.

I wonder now, if it is time for me to stop trying. Every time I see them I feel traumatised again, remembering what it was like to grow up in a family home with such a weird dynamic where violence and neglect were allowed to flourish. Therapy has helped a lot with the trauma, but my god I am tired of them both now. Where do I draw the line?

Crayfish - that is what's appealing to me, the idea of getting off the rollercoaster and feeling safe. I think it would be hard work to get to that point though.

Passport, that's interesting. That's about where I am now, refused to be bullied last time I saw them and now they are sulking. I should just enjoy the peace but there's always an uncomfortable feeling of waiting for the punishment.

I just don't get why people are like this, I really don't.

ONe thing you have to get your head around - and you've already mentioned - is they will never change. This is who they are and they very probably don't have the equipment to address it.

ime for years (decades) I kept to very low contact or no contact at all. Also had a lot of therapy to give me the space to heal. I needed that space.

I now see them regularly, once a week - lately sometimes more because they are so ancient and need practical support. I go to theirs so I am in control of when I leave. They are definitely more mellow, probably because they are so old. They also know I will keep myself safe and in a way they're frightened of me - because they know I will carry it out.

The way I see it they are very damaged people and therefore have been very damaging. They love me, in their weird way - or at least my mum definitely does. NOt so sure about my dad tbh but they come as a package for now.

I am NC with my siblings though - and tbh it's a strain. Like you, my siblings acted out the family dysfunction and I was the punch bag, emotionally and literally. My parents were at the root of it all of course but they simply have no idea and there is no way they have the knowledge or understanding to see what they set in motion. There's no excuse for my siblings - other than they continue to bash me because it stops them looking at their own shit. Not my problem. But it's a strain having no real family.

I happen to know they both had very disordered, dysfunctional and violent childhoods. In comparison to what they experienced they've come a long way in their parenting iyswim! But they of course fall - fell - woefully short.

But I don't really need to know they are poor childhoods because it's obvious in their parenting.

*need to know they had poor childhoods

I just wish there was an option to just have a normal family. I really do.

:(. You didn't deserve this Superheroes (or anyone else), life just happened to give you shit on a plate. You're allowed to grieve for what you didn't get.

Maybe your folks got shit when they were kids too, but you can't be responsible for them. Do whatever keeps you sanest.

Thanks springydaffs and yeoldetrout..

Springydaffs, that's good that therapy helped. I know it is helping me, I struggle with going, though, like I shouldn't be there as it's for people with real problems who have experienced real hardships - did you ever feel like that? It's like I feel guilty that it;s making me better and seeing things more clearly? God, the headfuck is the worst thing - always convincing myself that things are my fault..

Probably in the dim distant past I felt as guilty as you are feeling now. But I don't any more, thanks to therapy. Keep going with it.

The role I was given by my family was that everything was my fault. Unsurprisingly, I believed it. When I went into therapy I felt guilt that I was breaking the family code. Actually, it was shame I felt (shame is very disabling). Therapy helped me to see that the shame/guilt wasnt mine, it didn't belong to me.

A few years ago a big family ruckus broke out. In the middle of it my dad shouted at me 'It's All Your Fault!' In a funny way it was great to hear it actually said instead of implied. It was also great to drily reply 'yeah, it always had been hasn't it, dad'. I'm very happy to report it didn't touch me.

I can picture just exactly how liberating it would be to hear that, springydaffs. That's how I feel about mine - they act as though they are doing me a favour by simply implying how fucking useless I am rather than saying it out loud. If only they would say it it would give me a chance to answer them back.

Thanks for the advice re: therapy. I know it has helped me loads and continues to. There's a part of me that just doesn''t want to admit I need to be there. And yet it has helped me loads.

I spent years self-destructing when I was young - drink, drugs, food issues, risky behaviour. Didn't feel guilty about it, it felt right (with hindsight, these were all very 'physical' self-punishments which I think felt 'right' as I was used to receiving violence). Yet I go to therapy, it makes me feel better and....I feel guilty for going. Work that one out?!

One more thing I wanted to say - contrary to how this thread may make me seem I actually am a pretty happy, cheerful and upbeat person. I think that's why I resent the family bullshit all the more. I just want them to leave me be to the be the cheerful person I actually am.

foreverandalways Fri 30-Sep-16 21:00:23

Meerkat!!!!!!!! How n earth are u able to comment about how they will act and behave as grandparents.....totally disagree.....emotions, thoughts and behaviours of people change as we grow older.....not always for the worse.....

There is no indication in the OP's posts that they have changed. In fact they still seem to see that they've done nothing wrong, therefore their patterns of behaviour will not have changed. It is unlikely they will be any different towards their grandchildren.

Oh I'm not cheerful

I've had too hard a time to be cheerful. Not that you haven't of course! I've probably always been a bit serious. Ie the true me. Ah, so GREAT to be myself and not picked apart by my revolting family for being too much/not enough. Their stuff

That self -destruct stuff is called acting out, I think. You were conditioned, brainwashed, to believe you were dirt... so you acted like it. How could you not believe it? You were a kid! (((hug))) You were taught you deserved it.

Therapy. Keep going. It's a process and it slowly, slowly does its work. We have a lot of poisonous conditioning to reverse, eh. Xx

superheroes I've sometimes felt therapy might be good for me. I'm not there just yet but just knowing that it is an option is helpful. I'm glad you are getting good things out of it. You are obviously more mature than the rest of your family.

I think therapy must help you see a lot of the patterns that are too hard to see when you are in the middle of it. And you are probably encouraged to find ways to limit the damage and to see yourself as a person of worth.

Raspberry - it does concern me, how they might be with the DC. The older I got (i.e. the more complex my emotional needs became) the less able they seemed to be able to deal with me. I wonder now as my DC get older how they will change. We had a LOT of academic pressure on us (my brother had terrible mental health issues when it came to proving himself at exam time) and I am very aware of how they might react when my DC reach those kind of ages.

Springy - exactly, we should all be ourselves. That's what is so debilitating, being told that we are not good enough as we are. That's one thing I definitely learned in therapy.

I don't know if I've had a hard time or not, really. Having your own children certainly gives me a new perspective - My yardstick now isn't labels, but would I want it for my own children? If not, then it wasn't good enough..

Passport - a few of us seem to have really benefitted from therapy. I know I did. I think you have to find the right person, I was lucky when I found mine as he was pretty much the only one I tried. But never be afraid to kiss a few frogs, that's my view on therapy.

You were systematically neglected. Have a look at neglect ;it's effects. Neglect is not just the horror stories you hear, it's systematic emotional neglect too.

Plus you were systematically beaten by your brother. Makes me want to cry, actually. Your parents didn't protect you.

Please don't think you shouldn't be in therapy.

Thanks springy.

I just don't know where I am going with this. Came out of the blue with sudden onset of depression a year ago. I never saw any of these coming, but once you start digging in therapy (as I'm sure you know) it is so hard to stop.

I am so, so much better than I was, though. It's been the hardest 12 months of my life, interspersed with some beautiful moments - things I've made sense of and mistakes I've been able to rectify as a result of therapy. I can't be too down about it (though some of it has been beyond awful). On balance, I'm a better person than I was 12 months ago. The trouble is, I just want to be perfect!

Ime I had, all in, 6 years of therapy. I had a lot to deal with!

The root was the family/parenting, which had spawned all manner of troubles.

Ime one year is getting the groundwork established. I'm not suggesting you go years and years but at the very least 2? Maybe more.

You, we, have a lot to undo. As all that stuff got laid down at a crucial time in our lives it takes a l-o-t of excavation to get it out.

Thanks Springydafss, wow 6 years! Was that with the same therapist? My therapist is now at retirement age, I don't think I'll have another 6 years with him!

No it wasn't with the same therapist. As I moved along, so therapists changed.

I'm not saying it's not a good idea to have the same therapist throughout, just it didn't fit for me. And if there's one top rule it's that you have to gel with your therapist.

Retirement age? What's that, 60-odd? He may have another 15 years in him.

Thanks springy.

My therapist has just these last few weeks become semi-retired, he's moving away next week but I'm staying his client by skype. So I'm not sure how long he'll work for after that, I don't think he knows?

I'm very LC. It's great. In these situations I think it can be helpful to consider, what would I lose by going LC? In my case, I lost nothing that was both good and real. Everything I lost was either bad and real, or, good but imaginary/hopeful.

I used to play "mum bingo". If I suspect a big wave of manipulation / punishment is coming, I list all the ways it might be delivered.

There are key phrases, expected slights, complaints about other people, specific martyrdoms, non-sequiturs, illnesses, specific re-writings of the past, etc. My siblings and I know all the usual things. We made the list together with dark laughter over several conversations that happened quite accidentally. The list isn't written down, too risky, purely a mental list.

For us, it broke the spell somehow when DM or DF or DAunt spoke and we were mentally going tick, tick, tick, what about x, oh yes there it is now, tick.

Erm.. then that's something you both need to discuss at length.

How long have you known he was about to (semi) retire? A crucial part of therapy is managing the relationship between therapist and client eg major discussion around - clear-defined - changes.

For some of us, therapy isn't a nice little indulgent 'patch up and send you your way'. It's major excavation to recalibrate.

Runrabbit DH and I do bingo too! LC sounds like a nice option, that's kind of where I am currently, but I'm waiting for the next punishment..

Ah his move away has been on the cards for months and months and months springy, it has been well managed. As far as I know he has no plans to give up altogether for some time, but I've never thought to ask him what he might be doing in four years time, if that makes sense?!

These days when I see them they are super-critical, still very bullying, constantly trying to make me bend to their own will through silent treatment, threats or manipulation

Jeez. This alone is enough to go NC, not even including issues from childhood. Have you ever confronted your parents about any of their behaviour? What happens? If they go ballistic or do Silent Treatment take the wonderful and blissful opportunity of ST and give yourself a break!!! This will also give you a decent space to get your head and heart together - healing in other words. I think that being continually traumatised makes it impossible to get your own head together, and establish your own boundaries.

I also highly recommend Out of the Fog website, lots of helpful stories and advice.

Ultimately its your decision, no-one elses. But my experience has been you can't go LC until you've re-established your own boundaries, and made clear your expectations re. unnacceptable behaviour! Its a tough ride but, whatever your choices re. LC, VLC, NC etc, if you are prepared to go the distance I believe things will get better for you. good luck.

Thanks Orphid.

No, not confronted them. I am enjoying the silent treatment this time, I think, as you say a bit of head space.

I think LC would be good, I feel guilty about how that will affect their relationship with the DC....however, a part of me resents that their sudden interest in me over recent years stems from the fact that it's apparent that my brother won't be having any children, so my DC are the only gc they'll have.

I understand your dilemma . I've recent gone no contact and it's not any easy decision to make ( it's taken me ten years) . However it does give you time to process and time to make a new life filling it with positive people who love you . I've told my parents how I feel over the years but they dismiss what I say every time so I've given up , I've given up trying to hv a healthy relationship with them because they are not emotionally healthy so it never will be . I know now I'm happy , me and my chdren no longer feel self doubt that we are not perfect people . We are free x