How do you start to recover after years of gaslighting?

[Arkkorox]

I know it's early days. Im 10 days out of it but I have no idea where to start. I am so broken. I approached a counsellor yesterday but im not sure that's the right way to go. I have no faith in my own mind, no confidence, no love for myself. Am I rushing it? I feel like I should be pushing myself to bounce back but honestly it's taking all my effort just to get out of bed and get dressed.

1DAD2KIDS

You have just summed it all up in one post. That's exactly how I feel. I've lost my 'plan' the knowing that I'd have the house, the marriage, the future for my little girl that I wanted, all gone in one instant. It's so so scary.

I found myself thinking earlier how I could apologise and prove myself to him, so he would come back. But it's never going to work is it. Ever. He's never going to not be like this and I need to realise that the person I saw him as doesn't exist.

I can't imagine ever trusting someone else again. This is the second time I've found myself single and damaged beyond recognition, I wasn't 'better' before I started this relationship and I think that was a mistake.

I know it's silly, but all I've ever wanted was to be married and happy with a Beautiful family. I don't think I'd ever actually have got that with him would I. It was all just hoops for me to jump through with no actual reward at the end. Just empty promises.

I know I thought I had it all. A wife who I loved to the moon and back (thought it was mutral), great kids and a really promising future. All I ever worked towards was making my family happy and our future. So much so we had really come to a point where we had made it and the future looked so pomising. My ex was always difficult but I loved waking up every day next to her. It was a total shock to me.

With space from her I truly learned her true nature and the lies she had feed me for years to part me from friends and family. I first I wanted her back so bad. I made every excuse under the sun why she had run off with her step cousin. I blamed it on everything but her. Its mental issues, she's confused, it the pressure of the family etc. I could not accept she would do this to me. It was her step dad who was the voice of reason (his ex was manipulative too). He told me she was no good. I was sad for him as she was very dear to him. Her whole family were disgusted. The hardest thing was when you realise they are no good for you and they can never come back even if they asked. That's tough. I promised to always love her till the day I die. Sounds stupid but I felt a complete failure and charlatan to the vows I made. But you learn that some thing are fundamentally corrupt and as much as you miss them you should never go back there.

But I also learned to look for things that are still good. I have two great kids, great family and friends. You just have to watch the news to see that things could be a lot worse. I am learning to love and trust my self again. Its working and in some ways I am probably more my true self than I have ever been.

I don't know if I will ever be able to trust and find true love. I thought I had it once and it was all myths and lies. Kind of makes you lose you faith in it. But I do know I am unrecognisable from a year ago. I have moved so much and now I know anything is possible. Maybe one day I will fall in love with someone who deserves it.

Im still excusing my exs behaviour. Its ridiculous. It's so ingrained into my head that I do it without thinking. I've defended him till im blue in the face to my parents and friends and that's hard to switch off.

It feels very final, the thought that I wont be taking him back at all. The fact that he never put steps in place for us to buy a house and now suddenly he's single he's going to veiw houses two hours away to buy?! I never wanted to move away because it would be isolating myself completely. Im actually so glad I didn't move away from my family and friends. I would have been completely alone now and my family and friends have been such a life line to me in the last week or so.

I can't wait to stop feeling so sad, so heartbroken, to stop thinking every conversation over, every message and trying to decipher some message behind it that more than likely isn't there.

Im really sorry that your ex was so horrible to you. I really hope you find someone that actually deserves you one day.

Yep I still sometime justify her actions to people. I often put it down to a personality disorder or just the fact that her head is wired differently from everyone else. Maybe there is truth in this as she was always a little odd as people are now pointing out. Even if she is I don't know if this justifies her actions, but gets me through the day I suppose. We get on ok now, life is too short and I want use to do our best for the kids. The strange thing is when we are together she acts like everything is cool and perfectly cool. Like she has no understanding of the lives she's destroyed.

But trust me family and friends are more important now that ever. Be around them, make time for them. I can tell you it does get better. I am not sure if I can be good as new again but I do know I am fixing up really well and you will to.

Oh and if you ever find the fast forward button tell me where it is. Cant wait to the day this is all a fading memory. To be fair until today I totally forgot it should have been our anniversary 12 days ago. Our anniversary was so hard last year knowing she was sleeping with him on a romantic break (also his birthday) nearly made me vomit. I was so low then. So that's progress I would say.

I don't think these kind of people are aware of what they do. When my ex sent me his breakup message it was all blaming me. He told me I make him miserable, depressed and suicidal. That hurts a lot and will take me a while to recover from. All I did was my best and yet I still wasn't good enough. Coping as a practically single parent anyway so he could do his hobby to keep him happy, fighting my way through PND and then this year losing the weight I put on while pregnant with dd and trying to better myself.

So why was I still not good enough? Why did the relationship not work when it was promised to me that it would if I could just be a better person?

Im not sure I will ever come to terms with being told that im just not good enough to be with him.

The hardest thing at the moment is the fact he continues to try to control me and my 2 DC. The financial bit is still to be sorted and he keeps moving the goal posts. Mean while I'm bleeding money in legal costs.
I've got the support of a couple of really good friends, who are amazing. They are trying their best to build my confidence. He tries to rub my face in it that he's got someone else (although still denies multiple affairs through our marriage, but has admitted adultery - but no with same same woman he's with now?!). He says I'm too 'emotional' to be with someone, and if I do find someone then he'd have to 'approve' them as they'd be around his DC's. It's almost funny isn't it
He spent years telling me I'm fat... I'm a size 8 and weight less than 8 stone! But years of hearing comment like that wear you down...
What's really disheartening is that everyone thinks he's a top-guy...

Thank you 1DAD2KIDS for your advise. I like you hope that I can one day be able to trust someone with my heart again. Not sure I will ever truly trust a man again. My friend say I should try OLD when I'm ready as its probably the only way I'd meet someone. But to be honest that really isn't for me. I can't imagine anything more scary than a blind date... My eldest DC joke about finding me a date, as he says I deserve someone to make me happy - bless.

The trouble is the fault is with him not you. You did your best but unfortunately like I said before some people are fundamentally corrupt. People are often vocal to pass the blame to others when they cant accept to ugly truth about their true nature. Unfortunately how ever hard we try sometimes it is out of our hands because the actual route problems is the other person. But not blaming yourself is easier said than done, I have been there (and still do in weaker moments). But you come to realise how ever good you and how ever hard you worked at things it takes two, and your ex is their own person.

I have stepped into a little OLD. It has been fun and interesting. But I am not ready to trust a woman again completely. Plus there is simply not enough free time for me to date with full time work, cooking, cleaning, housework, raising two young kids and finding time to play with them. Simply not the free time to commit.

But I have met some lovely women, totally different from my ex. It has given me a vision of what a future relationship could be. Should I want to trust again I am hopeful of find a good one next time.

The hardest thing is to deprogram your self from years of a false reality.

That's really what im going to struggle with I think. That and standing up for myself. I don't think I helped things by always admitting it was all my fault instead of him. In a very early on argument he called me something that I was really upset by, by the end of the day we had made up but not because he admitted fault, but because I took the blame for being too sensitive.

Been to the GP today to discuss symptoms arising from years of gaslighting (left exH 10 months ago). I've been told I'm suffering PTSD, anxiety/depression. I was surprised about the PSTD... I know I have nightmares, and am sensitive to loud sudden noises, but is this really PTSD? Anyone else been told something similar?