How do you start to recover after years of gaslighting?

[Arkkorox]

I know it's early days. Im 10 days out of it but I have no idea where to start. I am so broken. I approached a counsellor yesterday but im not sure that's the right way to go. I have no faith in my own mind, no confidence, no love for myself. Am I rushing it? I feel like I should be pushing myself to bounce back but honestly it's taking all my effort just to get out of bed and get dressed.

Freedom programme first. This links into other helpful courses for you and children too.

It takes time, sometimes years.

Be kind to yourself, every day.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Forwards. Don't invest any more emotional energy In the past.

You are in very first stages.

Well done for leaving.

Call freedom program today.

You could have been stick thin and kept the house immaculate and he would have still dumped you.

Some people are impossible to please. They wallow in self pity and always see the negative in everything, yet they blame everyone but themselves.

Start with recalling about 3 good memories in your life. I imagine your daughter is one of those. She'll always be your daughter and nobody can take that away from you.

The think about the things in your life you have to be grateful for. Sometimes you can't see beyond how you feel now.

Being with a man like him would not be good for your DD to see. If he suddenly thinks he'll be as happy as Larry then good luck to him.

You deserve a man who treats you well and that patronising crap of if you loose weight I'll give you the world is just mean.

Love yourself.
Love your daughter

Close your eyes and think where you want to be in a year's time, then slowly start working towards it.

Be kind to yourself and don't ever beg him to come back.

I'd suggest cognitive behavioural therapy. It will help you to recognise negative thought biases and ignore/replace them. Hard work but worth it.

Fedia you are right. I have set up my new home without assistance from him.

I have never been a confident person at all. My first serious Boyfriend caused me a lot of damage by being emotionally and physically abusive. Exdp was never physically abusive, it would have been easier to let him Go if he had been I think. I know people won't beleive me and I think im worried about wether it actually happened or if I've created it in my own mind.

I will not be begging him to come back no matter how much I want to. But being a single parent is such a daunting thing when you have no belief in yourself. I hate being alone, I know I have dd but all my friends are married or have long term boyfriends and I feel like im such a massive failure. I know I put myself down a lot, I know im negative but it's very hard to switch it off. I so wish it was as easy as saying ' oh well im awesome and it's his loss'.

I feel like im such a massive failure.

Stop that way of thinking. Being a single parent doesn't make you a failure.

Any number of circumstances can make someone a single parent. That doesn't make you a failure at all.

It's how you raise your children.
The morals and values you instill.
The love you give them.
The caring and nurturing.
The support you give them and also the example you set to them of a healthy and loving relationship.

It's better that they don't see dad treat mum so badly. With no respect.

I know many single parents and to be honest, they do a remarkable job. Juggling finances and all child related matters 100% on their own.

It may not have been what they chose initially, but they've risen to the challenge.

They've shown great strength and you can do it too.

You don't know if all your married friends are truly happy. You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Look at this as a new chapter in your life. Start journaling and in time you'll see how much progress you've made.

oh well im awesome and it's his loss
It is, or it will be, but you have to instill it in yourself.
Tell yourself every time you think of it.
I'm awsome. Competent. A good mum. It's his loss.
Say out loud over and over again.
It's all about reprogramming.
It's a slow process but keep re-enforcing and you will get there!

Very slow progress. I just stumbled across a picture he posted a few hours after he left me. He's put a hashtag said ' do whatever it takes to make yourself happy'

Cunt. Sorry, but he's a cunt.

Op. I can assure you that you were not imagining these things. Part of the abuse cycle is to confuse you so that you think that - that's how they get their power. It's not enough that they are total cunt but they also do it in a way which makes it hard to identify as them being a total cunt, it's how they keep you ; 'you're mad', 'you're imagining things' and then the things they actually do often in isolation, to the outsider, sound petty and almost normal. This just further exacerbates the feeling of the victim imagining it. And it's intended to do so.

GreenRut is that why I feel like a fraud with trying to get help? I feel guilty labelling him as an abuser.

I actually still struggle using the word abusive. Even though I know that's what he is. Especially with everyday people, because I know the image that it conjures in the mind of most people - that of beatings and shoving and throwing things around. And of me being the timid "battered girlfriend" stereotype which is a disgusting stereotype and I hate it.

It gets easier though, and if you can find a support group by going to The Freedom Programme, or finding another type of group therapy with other women who have been abused, it really helps to have your experiences validated by others who have been through similar, or in some cases worse.

Plus if you talk to Women's Aid or another local charity about how you are feeling - tell them that you feel like you could have done something to change him, they will 100% tell you that nearly every abuser woman says that. Its part of their mind games, that in itself is an abusive behaviour.

I know if my XP found out I had been to domestic abuse meetings he would completely flip his shit about me "lying to everyone". I don't know if he honestly thinks he's not abusive, or if its just more of the act, but I don't care anymore. I won't let his lies and/or delusion affect myself and DD anymore. And you don't have to either!

*abused woman

that was a terrible place for a typo

sky how do you manage discussing access etc with him? I want to keep things civil and they have been so far. Im just not sure if that's the right way. He can only see dd jn my house. He's never taken her out on his own, he can't take her to his mothers as it's not a safe environment and he has now where else.

Don't let him see her in your house! I am speaking from bitter experience here, that's how my XP wormed his way back in the first time I split with him. It will totally fuck with your head.

First option is if you have a family member/friend who you trust so he could see DD there with that friend/family members supervision.

If that's not possible and you really think he can't be trusted then you can go through the courts to get supervised access. If you need to put a pleasant swing on it for him to keep it civil, tell him its so he can have a safe place to go with DD and spend some "quality time" with her without your influence.

I can't help much as so far XP has been extremely civil about access and can have her unsupervised at the moment. If he pulls any shit though I am 100% prepared to go to court.

I can't remember if you said you were on benefits/were going to be, but if you are claiming Income Support then you can apply for a Child Access Arrangement yourself and if you fill in the right forms you won't have to pay a court charge.

If you go to the CAB they should have access to a Family Lawyer who can tell you the technical details.

arkkorox absolutely, that guilt is what you are to feel, right? You're making it up after all... All engineered to get you to think that, keep you in your place, submissive.

I've just read this whole thread three times. It's so sad that so many of us have had to (and still are) dealing with emotional abuse. It's taken me years to realise that's what it was. I cried when I first read about gas lighting. The realisation hit me like a truck. I was literally breathless. This was happening to me. 'How could I let this happen?'. I thought I was going mad, but it was all him! He did this. However, I still struggle with thinking of him as an abuser - this was the man I had loved for 20 years. I feel guilty thinking of him like this. Is that normal? But suppose I have to accept that's what he is. There is so much shame and humiliation attached to this for me and it's why I've hidden it from my closest friends until very recently. I've not made to step with counselling yet. I've rang a number and left a message.
I'm going to take on board everyones advice here on as I need to move forward from all this for myself and my DCs. Ps. You're all amazing.

It is totally normal to feel and think like that user1474! I think counselling is a good step and I'm glad you're moving towards it, it's not shameful at all. You've had your head screwed with and sometimes you need some help to get it on straight again! I have a GP appointment next week and may be getting counselling through the NHS...

I've probably made people sick of hearing this but I really recommend The Freedom Programme, especially if you're struggling with identifying the behaviour as abusive. It's a very validating experience!

I haven't read the whole thread but want to echo what others have said that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, treat yourself as you would your daughter.

I am about 7 months out of it now, and my life is so much better. I wake up every day with a smile on my face. This time last year I was suicidal and only the thoughts of what taking my own life would do to my kids kept me here.

You can do it, it takes time, and you have to take it slowly, one day, one hour, five minutes at a time whatever works for you.

The things I found helpful were yoga, chatting to friends and journalling. I still write every night before bed, it helps get all those emotions out and when you look back you can see how far you have come.

Hi skyyquake
Thank you for your support. I've thought about going to the GP for support and reassurance. (I'm having to register with a different surgery as we moved). My concerns is if I go to the GP are I wouldn't know where to start. What would I say? I'm likely to end up a bubblering mess in his office, sounding like a complete wreck.
I'm able to keep a handle on things 99% of the time, going to work, looking after my children, doing normal things day to day thing, even with a smile on my face... Just when I have to think about this subject I fall apart. But I want and end to the side affects of all this. I suffer memory problems, insomnia, I get nightmares when actually sleep, I feel physically sick when he drops our children off outside my house, I shake when I see his sent emails... He still has control doesn't he?
What would a GP be likely to do, do you think? Do you think they'd be supportive and find counselling?

I'm sure your GP would help, user, and if you happen to get one you feel doesn't listen or take you seriously then go to another.

Just the sleeping problems along justify a GP appointment. You don't need to pout your heart out and tell them everything (unless you want to), just say you've come out of an abusive relationships and tell them the symptoms you talk about above. They will then be able to advise and help you.

Stay strong, it sounds like you're doing amazingly well

I think if you explained that its affecting you so badly (insomnia, memory problems, panic attacks) then they will definitely be supportive and I would imagine that you would definitely qualify for NHS counselling. Don't worry if you cry, I'm sure they're used to a lot of emotions from patients for all sorts of reasons!

If you can't bring yourself to say "abusive" then try saying you've just gotten out of a "bad" relationship and then explain just as you have explained here. I imagine they will refer you to counselling and probably give you information about Women's Aid and any local domestic abuse organizations. I've booked an appointment with a female doctor as I just couldn't stand the thought of explaining this to a man. Please do the same if it makes you more comfortable! Many women ask for female doctors for various reasons (not saying male doctors wouldn't be supportive but it can have a psychological affect on the patient and make you less likely to open up about everything)

But yes, doctors are there for mental health as well as physical!

user just to reiterate pps points, you're GP is there for mental health as well as physical. My experience of approaching a gp with issues like this has been mixed, but where it was negative I made an appointment with the receptionist just making it clear I did not wish to see x gp again.

Thank you. I will see if I can make a GP appointment for next week. Wish me luck.

Good luck user! It sounds like exactly the step you need to take. Look after yourself

You love someone, you give then your heart and everything and would die for them. Then they leave you. All the future you had together gone. Then the scary thing is in the clear of day you start to realise how much they have lied, manipulated and controlled you. To be fair if you are like me there was always a tiny little voice telling you that something is not right. For me its only after she left my close friends and family started to say they were not happy with the way she treated me and thought she was controlling. Now they tell me I think. But they didn't want to interfere and to be fair I would have always backed my ex's side. She played a very clever game of subtlety planting the seeds of mistrust in my head about all my friends and family. Little things like for brother is always your mums favourite. Or she would tell me about how she tried to plan a surprise birthday for me but none of my family was interested in it, another one of her lies.

But it gets betters but takes time. I was so low. Luckily having to raise a 6 month old and 4 year old (at the time) gave me focus and a purpose. What I would say it take it all in bite size chunks. I tried to do it all at once, it don't work. I would say first get every day life functioning. Focus on running the household. Look at the simple things you love do to that bring you some joy and do them. Super important find someone you trust to talk to and don't be afraid to let all those thoughts, emotions and feeling's out regularly. It really helps, A LOT. Eventually try to come to learn to trust your gut instincts. It takes time because you the fall out of your previous relationship makes you doubt your own judgment so much. But you must learn to trust your self again.

I am over a year on now. Me and the kids are doing great. My life is in order. I feel more confident and self assured than probably ever in my life. I follow my gut now and I am in a good place and settled. Maybe I am at a stage to look at relationships again. This is the new frontier for me. I must admit I am still very damaged in terms putting my trust into a long term relationship. I am still not convinced that I could unconditionally give my heart to someone again. Not after 6 years of marriage to a woman I loved wholeheartedly, trusted and supported turned out to have be such a controlling manipulator who betrayed me and left me alone. It is truly the hardest thing. But what else can I do? My house is in order, I am happy on my own but maybe I don't want to be alone forever. Friends and family say I will find the right one and trust again. Hopefully their right. I would say though get your house in order, learn to live and love your self alone before you start dating. Dating as single parent is difficult but there will be someone out there when you are properly ready.

I also wish for the magic fast forward button. Especially in the early days. People say it gets better with time but that's little comfort in the here and now.