I think I've had enough - feel like I'm going mad!!

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I'm married to someone who is time-sensitive. It's like he has a sand timer on his shoulder ALL the time. He is an efficiency machine on steroids! He uses words like "we need to run a tighter ship" a lot (I think it's a control issue). It's great he gets things done but as I am somewhat slower and more relaxed in my approach to life it causes a lot of friction. We've been married a long time and have never seemed able to resolve this despite counselling.

He's says he's just trying to carve out time for us to be together in the evenings. He has a stressful job and by 8.30/9pm he is in bed and asleep by 9.30/10pm. Kids are generally in bed by 9pm which is when I've finished the chores. So I have a half hour window to communicate with him/ watch tv before he's asleep. He says I should T everything up better before he comes home at 7pm so that kids are in bed earlier (aged 9 and 12). Last night I got told off for doing an optional craft homework with my 9 yo which delayed bedtime by half an hour (She doesn't normally do optional homework but this time she wanted to do it - it came from her).

I try my best to do all the chores etc (I work 20 - 25 hours per week), school hours 3 days a week at work + 2 evenings working at home plus quite a bit of ferrying to and from kids activities after school. But I always get the vibe from him that I'm under-performing at home re; housework etc. He gets sarky if I ever sit down before all the chores are done in the evening. Its like whatever I do is never enough. I think what I do is fine. Yes, I'm more relaxed and flexible than him (creative personality, night owl) and get less done than him. I just feel life like he sees me as a housemaid, and I'm always fighting against his nature - which is particular, efficiency driven and time-conscious.

I look around my neighbours' houses (they have kids too) and they all seem to be in a similar state to mine - a few specific areas of untidiness but we're all just trying to do our best. I also have a child with mild SEN so I need to do extra school work at home with that child to help them keep up.

Does anyone else suffer from being with someone who is very time-conscious and efficiency driven? Any ideas of how to make it work without driving each other mad?

How much cleaning do you do a day?

Do you want to do this cleaning, or is it dictated by him?

Yes, he's a pita, but it's not like he's intentionally driving you mad (and I say this as someone w an unpleasant control freak for an exh).

He sounds depressed and anxious. I think the questions are a) will he see his gp about how he's handling the stress b) if so will it help and c) do you want to wait & see if it works. If he will see the dr then set yourself a timeline for how long you can bear to wait to see improvement.

I will say that out from under the thumb of a controlling (& in my case wildly money-wasting alcoholic) is a glorious place to be. But maybe yours is loads better when he's not depressed (& I'm positing that because of all the sleeping).

I also think he sounds particularly stressed and is taking it out on you.

I have used this forum to help with business issues I have had in the past and the advise offered has helped me immensely.

www.ukbusinessforums.co.uk/ My situation unfortunately was involving insolvency, but equally there are lots of experts on the forums that can help with marketing, tax, stress etc. Maybe this might be a useful tool for your husband?

the excess sleeping sounds like a way of checking out and not participating in family life, maybe he just isn't suited to family life, doesnt have the resources to cope with the demands of work and family.

After all its not for everyone is it!

But then why agree to have a family if you know you're just not cut out for it?

But 12 years after starting a family he should surely have developed some coping strategies, or maybe perceived some of the positive sides of family life.

To me it just comes under the heading of 'opting out' and making the OP absorb all the stress which just isn't fair.

Also this has clearly been going on for YEARS.

He doesn't want to change. Not one bit. It's working out pretty well for him. He gets to go to bed at 8.30 and not have any extra pressure during the week other than work. It's win/win!

We've been married a long time and have never seemed able to resolve this despite counselling.

I always get the vibe from him that I'm under-performing at home re; housework etc. He gets sarky if I ever sit down before all the chores are done in the evening. Its like whatever I do is never enough.

This stuff has been going on for years so I don't think you can just put this down to stress. You admit that you've had counselling to try and resolve your differences. His micro-managing and constant criticism sounds unbearable. Do you think he understands how he makes you feel? Do you think he cares? His ring-fencing of nine hours out of every day for sleep is a classic avoidance technique (and yes, its also a sign of depression). Nine hours' sleep every single night for an adult male is excessive. I don't anyone who sleeps that much apart from children.

You say you think you've had enough, so have you? Are you prepared to pull the plug? Do you think that there is anything you could reasonably do at this point to make the marriage bearable? Because I'm sorry to say that it sounds like the two of you are fundamentally incompatible.

"He gets sarky if I ever sit down before all the chores are done in the evening" LTB.

It sounds intolerable. No way would I put up with DH complaining about the standard of my housework if he was going to bed at 8.30pm.

Like you I work less hours than DH - 24, and I'm slightly messier and more disorganised than DH, but the difference is if he wants any more done than is achieved currently, then he does it himself, admittedly with a slightly aggrieved air, but he knows better than to remark on it, although occasionally he sighs at how lovely and tidy people's houses are on tv.

We also have a cleaner and I have one school age child.
As you've already had counselling your DH clearly isn't going to change and I can't see how you can do any more than you do already. The only last ditch thing I can suggest is to throw some money at it and get a cleaner, to see if that helps at all. But fundamentally the problem is that your DH is either depressed and/or doesn't see himself as part of the family unit at all.

Stress my backside.

Have I got this right - by way of contribution to the running of the household, he loads the dishwasher most evenings, washing up anything that won't fit in it by hand, and spends time with his children and sometimes cooks on a weekend? To achieve the super-tidy house he values, he puts pressure on you to keep it spotless, dictating that that is how you spend your day off and "getting sarky" if you sit down on an evening before your chores are done? And that's the "getting things done" you find so great in your OP?

Stressed, my arse - he's a massive bully.

But he's depressed

That excuses any old shit. Obviously.

He can be both though. The thing only OP knows is, if the stress is removed is the man awful without stress (depression & anxiety)? My hunch is, probably. It's definitely intolerable and not ideal for the kids. My kids were definitely better off without daily exposure to the Purveyor of Doom.

Tad much, AnyFucker?

What does "tad much" mean ?

Just that I thought your comment was a bit of an exaggeration of what's going on in this thread.

Ah, I get it. Sort of

I don't agree though. Being depressed is not a green card to treat your loved ones like 2nd rate employees and leave them to do all the shit work just because you can

Depressed people are usually still decent people. He sounds very far from that.

No, I agree depression is no green card, but I don't think this guy's the one touting depression as an excuse, as per the cliche. In fact no-one's saying it's an excuse, just that if you're looking for a place to start to affect change in your relationship that might be a place to look.

That might be a place for him to look.

Op can't do it for him. All she can do is tolerate the abusive behaviour, or not. Maybe her taking a zero tolerance stance on it will prompt him to get help, if that is what is required. Or not.