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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I've had enough - feel like I'm going mad!!

69 replies

printmeanicephoto · 29/09/2016 10:22

I'm married to someone who is time-sensitive. It's like he has a sand timer on his shoulder ALL the time. He is an efficiency machine on steroids! He uses words like "we need to run a tighter ship" a lot (I think it's a control issue). It's great he gets things done but as I am somewhat slower and more relaxed in my approach to life it causes a lot of friction. We've been married a long time and have never seemed able to resolve this despite counselling.

He's says he's just trying to carve out time for us to be together in the evenings. He has a stressful job and by 8.30/9pm he is in bed and asleep by 9.30/10pm. Kids are generally in bed by 9pm which is when I've finished the chores. So I have a half hour window to communicate with him/ watch tv before he's asleep. He says I should T everything up better before he comes home at 7pm so that kids are in bed earlier (aged 9 and 12). Last night I got told off for doing an optional craft homework with my 9 yo which delayed bedtime by half an hour (She doesn't normally do optional homework but this time she wanted to do it - it came from her).

I try my best to do all the chores etc (I work 20 - 25 hours per week), school hours 3 days a week at work + 2 evenings working at home plus quite a bit of ferrying to and from kids activities after school. But I always get the vibe from him that I'm under-performing at home re; housework etc. He gets sarky if I ever sit down before all the chores are done in the evening. Its like whatever I do is never enough. I think what I do is fine. Yes, I'm more relaxed and flexible than him (creative personality, night owl) and get less done than him. I just feel life like he sees me as a housemaid, and I'm always fighting against his nature - which is particular, efficiency driven and time-conscious.

I look around my neighbours' houses (they have kids too) and they all seem to be in a similar state to mine - a few specific areas of untidiness but we're all just trying to do our best. I also have a child with mild SEN so I need to do extra school work at home with that child to help them keep up.

Does anyone else suffer from being with someone who is very time-conscious and efficiency driven? Any ideas of how to make it work without driving each other mad?

OP posts:

pictish · 29/09/2016 12:13

Err...no. I mean, I do think it's normal for one to mention the current state of the house to the other. Slyly delegating the job by presenting it as a given...not so much.
I would laugh at your husband and he would not like being married to me.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 29/09/2016 12:14

Aside from the controlling...

If he wants perfection then let him pay for a cleaner and other stuff to help out...

You can only do so much and you're already not getting any down time during the week

And send him to GP - tiredness and needing sleep could be stress but could be something else - thyroid etc ?

Most adults can manage on 7-8 hours sleep so there is no reason to go to bed before 20 pm at all

Annabel11 · 29/09/2016 12:16

have you actually talked about him changing his ways, cutting you some slack, etc. ? I mean currently it is likely because he is having hard time at work, but if he is like that at all times, then something needs to be done obviously.

Shiningexample · 29/09/2016 12:18

He says if we split he'll have a breakdown
Tell him you'll have a breakdown if you have to live under his regime for any longer

Eyelashinmyeye · 29/09/2016 12:19

I couldn't bear to be spoken to like that. 'under performing' 'raising a concern' . . .its like he can't switch off from work mode or something.

I would feel patronised if a boss spoke to me like that, let alone a partner!!

ive been in relationships with picky people before, and it doesn't work for me. I can be sensitive, and im laid back - so the combination of that, mixed with a picky, organised person - it just doesn't work.

pictish · 29/09/2016 12:19

Who the hell plans to have a breakdown anyway?
What a silly man. Grow up silly man.

Shiningexample · 29/09/2016 12:21

He needs you more than you need him
That means you potentially have the most power

Seize it and use it

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 29/09/2016 12:32

I think part of the issue is that he didn't really want to have kids but bent for me. Now he finds himself in a world that he doesn't really want to be in - family life etc.In order to cope in this family life we've created he needs order above all else.

OP posts:

sleepachu · 29/09/2016 12:42

Tough shit. No one put a gun to his penis to make the kids. He made them, they're here now and they're half his responsibility and that includes the house they live in. You need to start talking back to all this nonsense. He sounds hideous and you don't need to put up with it. V manipulative to use the possibility of a breakdown to keep you in your place.

Shiningexample · 29/09/2016 12:46

He gave into your demands in order to give him leverage to impose demands on you in the future

AnyFucker · 29/09/2016 12:51

He would like to think he is your boss

Tell the controlling twat to stfu and contribute more if he wants a "tighter ship"

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 29/09/2016 12:51

I'm with Imperial, it sounds 100% like he is suffering from stress. Perhaps even some anxiety and depression in there. He needs to see a doctor. Will he go?

If it's any consolation I sincerely doubt it's you he's trying to control directly, it's himself and his life which he likely feels is slipping through his hands and spiralling out of control. I thought that the second I read your OP, and your updates back this up entirely.

Obviously that's not a magic wand to make you feel great about living like this, but sometimes it helps to have all the information you can before working out how you feel about something as weighty as a marriage. I suggest broaching the subject of pursuing this with a doctor is step number one.

Bohemond · 29/09/2016 12:53

I don't agree that he sounds hideous and I can sympathise with him.

I am the main breadwinner in my household and I am also tidy and organised. When work gets stressful I find it hard to concentrate and get more stressed if the house is not exactly how I want it (I WFH and can procrastinate for hours). I can deal with it as I am the main one that keeps it tidy but if I was out all day it would be difficult and I would find life very hard.

Hopefully you can weather this particular storm and then try and resolve things when his work troubles ease.

Bohemond · 29/09/2016 12:53

BTW, I don't think you are doing anything wrong either!

Iggypoppie · 29/09/2016 12:57

My exdh was like this and I was the one that ended up having the breakdown.

It sounds like your homelife has become extremely dysfunctional like mine was.

My exdh was a workaholic and sucked all the joy out of life.

And you're right, if you go on like this you will become I'll... Tell him no more dancing to his tune. It will take a lot of strength in your part to change the boundaries etc. Especially if you have people pleasing tendencies like I did. I.e. I put exdh's needs above my own and allowed him in a way to become a dictator.

ElspethFlashman · 29/09/2016 13:12

He speaks to you as if you were his employee.

No it's not normal.

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 29/09/2016 13:26

Thanks guys. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Eatsleep - yes, you've hit the nail on the head there.

OP posts:

juneau · 29/09/2016 13:37

I agree his early bedtime is bonkers - does he really need 9 hours of sleep every night???? Going to bed at 9.30pm I thought you were going to say he was up at 5am or something, but no, he's up at 6.45am, which is a completely normal time to be getting up - so why the ridiculously early bedtime?

TBH he sounds like a controlling PITA and I don't like the way he's manipulated you into being terrified of breaking up with because 'he'll have a breakdown'. I think I'd reply 'Well living with you is going to make me have a fucking breakdown and this once I'm putting myself first!'

Bumpsadaisie · 29/09/2016 14:30

My DH has recently started having to get up at 5am most days so he now has a strict bedtime of 10pm so that he can function.

Going to bed at 9.30 to get up at 6.45 sounds a bit extreme to me!

femfemlicious · 29/09/2016 14:43

Well really I would suggest you get a cleaner to come a few times a week to come and clean the house.

Also really he needs 8he's of sleep a night so he really only needs to be asleep by 10.45pm. So let him help one of the kids with homework whilst you do the other.

IDismyname · 29/09/2016 14:45

I have a DH who can be a bit like this, but I put him down a peg or two, tell him he's not in the office now, and can speak to me like his wife (and 'team player') rather than a paid employee. I am a creative type, and much more laid back - its the case of opposites attract!

It normally shuts him up.

However, I think your DH is suffering from stress and maybe depression. We got a few bits of gym equipment which we stuck in the spare room and my DH goes and uses that 2-3 times a week for 30 mins or so. It certainly helps him calm down, but not sure if yours shouldn't see the GP first. Maybe a herbal remedy would help him, too?

Does he have any hobbies to do at weekends? Half a day out of the house doing something for him could work, too.

It all depends on whether you want to save the relationship. or ship out.

Kikibanana86 · 29/09/2016 14:48

I couldn't live like that. LTB. Not even joking!

MaybeDoctor · 29/09/2016 14:59

Tell him that you are going to bed at 7.45 pm tomorrow and he will have to work around that!

It is lovely to go to bed early, but every night?! He doesn't have a particularly early start either.

He is on a hiding to nothing as soon your children will be staying up later anyway!

gratesnakes · 29/09/2016 15:02

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds bloody nuts. Your kids will be teens soon and have teen friends round. What will happen to his weird evening window of couple time then. They won't be going to bed early so how can he? His expectations of family life are weird ... and miserable. Plus he talks to you like an employee. That is not normal. I would LTB.

Eolian · 29/09/2016 15:17

Yes he does sound nuts. Or at least completely unrealistic. Just because he is the main (not sole!) breadwinner, he shouldn't be able to dictate how you all spend every minute of your time! His digs about you 'having your work cut out' are totally unacceptable. He sounds controlling and awful. But if the problem is that he never wanted a family and therefore refuses to accommodate his family's needs into his schedule then I doubt he'll ever change.

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