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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unable to eat

35 replies

SnowBodyforrrrm · 27/09/2016 19:36

I found out on Sunday that my partner of 12 years had a one night stand after he stayed out all night on Saturday. I was shocked to my stomach. I would never have thought he'd do this but he has. I packed his stuff and left it on the doorstep on Sunday and only saw him briefly when he came to collect his stuff and hand over the key to our family home.

I've spoke to him since everyday as we have four very young children so I can't just call it a day with a clean break. The kids have been told for now he's working away and he speaks to them before bed.

Anyway, over the last year, after a spell of very bad health, I've piled on 3stone, taking me from slim to very plump as I'm not tall. I enjoy food, I love it. Since Saturday night when I ate my last meal of the day, I have only had half a banana (on Sunday afternoon) I just cannot face the thought of eating. I thought I'd be face down in food now my world has been shattered, using it as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. But the thought of food makes me feel nauseous. I don't feel a lack of energy, I've been getting my four kids up and out to school, going to work and so on and I feel just fine. I'm going to force myself to eat this evening as I know I need to stay well and strong for the kids but I wondered if anyone else has had this?

OP posts:

Tiredqueen87 · 27/09/2016 19:39

When i was going through a seperation I never ate, the weight just dropped off, but it was always the last thing on my mind, I was busy with keeping my shit together and looking after DD.
Is he sorry for what he's done? Did he tell you out right or you found out another way?

NotTheFordType · 27/09/2016 19:40

Your relationship with food is very disordered.

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2016 19:54

Nice comment from Nottheford .

OP, when you have a massive shock your body goes quite literally into overdrive. You produce masses of adrenaline which is the response to danger, ' fight or flight' mode. This gives you a lot of nervous energy but makes you nauseous, no appetite ( not a good idea to ear if you are being chased by a tiger) and unable to retain information or sleep well.

This passes as the shock sinks in. Try to sip at fluids and maybe sip energy drinks. Try a bit of toast etc but if you really can't then don't fret. You will lose a bit of weight but that isn't going to harm you.

Do you have RL support? Sounds like an awful time.

Tiredqueen87 · 27/09/2016 19:55

Ford.... She's asking for advice , not a telling

CatBallou2 · 27/09/2016 20:16

So sorry you're going through this. It's a very stressful and emotional time for you and it's s very normal for your appetite to disappear when you're in shock. Make sure you drink plenty of water and if you can manage it a few crackers, fruit, soup. Your appetite will return, eventually, but you might find that your eating habits will change, maybe not relying on food for comfort. That's what happened to me, anyway.

Wishing you well.

BackInTheRoom · 27/09/2016 20:20

I'm barely eating too since August when my marriage ended suddenly without warning. I'm still in shock.

Onnapostit · 27/09/2016 20:24

I had exactly this on my last break up. Like you, I love my food but for a long time everything tasted like sawdust. I stuck to soups and smoothies because it was all I could stomach, but the weight dropped off. Like other say, its the shock.

Whoooodat · 27/09/2016 20:32

Yes I had the same. I was getting by on adrenaline trying to do everything. I thought I would be drinking my weight in wine but I couldn't face that either. Try to be sensible though. In time I could manage a banana and a bowl of cereal. Like you said, make yourself eat something.

ThePinkOcelot · 27/09/2016 21:07

Yep, I had the same when my marriage ended. Food just didn't enter my thoughts. I cooked for my dds but couldn't face it myself.
It's very early days for you. Try and eat something, or even drink milk or milky coffee.

Sunnydawn · 27/09/2016 21:14

It's definitely the shock, and definitely a normal reaction.

Slightly different, but I work with many bereaved people and they often find that they are completely unable to eat. The shock makes your body shut down parts that aren't immediately required - if you were running away from a lion, you wouldn't be thinking about lunch. It's the same hormone kicking in.

Bit of a cliché, but a cup of tea with sugar may actually help.

gottachangethename1 · 27/09/2016 21:14

I had something similar a few years back, the weight just dropped off. I lived on toast and cups of tea for months. It's such early days op, just take each hour as it comes (yes hour not day, that's the only way to get through at this stage). If you can, try to get plenty of sleep- probably difficult at the moment. Just be kind to yourself.

hermione2016 · 27/09/2016 21:15

Poor you. It is the shock but it will wear off.Try to eat small amounts of food, just a little of something, fruit, snack rather than full meals.I took to eating a little avocados and drinking smoothies which seemed to keep me going.

Do drink water as well, sips through the day when you can.

Original poster

SnowBodyforrrrm · 27/09/2016 22:33

Thank you all for your replies, I'm just going to get this out of the way quickly...

notthefordtype my relationship with food was perfectly normal until last July when I woke up from a coma in intensive care to be told I had a large brain tumour aged 28. It came totally out of the blue. Over the next month, people rallied around and cooked us dinners everyday. On top of that, I no longer went to the gym three times a week, nor did I go to my running club or my mini trampolining class, this was due to advice for a top neurologist that my brain was still too swollen from the massive series of seizures i'd had the last 'normal' night of my life. The first week I spent in intensive care I barely ate but the new size 10 pjs I'd bought the week before grew tighter on me by the day (due to the mega dose of dexamethasone) anyway, to get to the point, I have had a craniotomy and had my tumour removed, I'm on the highest dose of antiseizure meds I can be on due to the severity of my seizure and also on anti anxiety drugs. Both of these have fatigue as a side effect as well as that my tumour was located in the part of my brain that controls energy levels and personality amongst other things. So yes, my relationship with food has become skewed the last year (thanks for pointing that out) but after nearly dying in my bed and leaving my twins of 3, son of 4 and son of 8 motherless, food and my figure have really been bottom of my list of shit to worry about this year. I hope that enlightens you a bit as to why I am the way I am, you seem to find my relationship with food more important then the point I was making. Unless you're suggesting my partner shagged someone else because I'm fat??

OP posts:

OhMrsQ · 27/09/2016 22:40

SnowBodyforrrrm you poor love.

I was the same during the fallout from the end of my marriage. I couldn't eat either. Best thing to do is try to find some protein shakes. I think like Muscle Milk or something. Drink a few of those a day and they will help keep your energy up if you really can't bear food.

From the sounds of things, with your past year and chucking your man out immediately, you are fucking strong. Hats off to you. No matter how much you weigh. That was an odd comment from nottheford but I imagine more to do with them than a personal attack at you xx

yeOldeTrout · 27/09/2016 22:43

Impressive dripfeed.
Try to eat 3x a day even if it's only a little bit, to keep some energy going.

Original poster

SnowBodyforrrrm · 27/09/2016 22:43

Im going to get to the helpful messages now, and I appreciate them all. It's good to know others have experienced it so I know it's normal and not something more worrying going on. tired he's very sorry. I have no idea how it came about, he wanted me to go out with him on Saturday but I was too tired so said you go. He did try and lie at first when I got hold of him on Sunday morning but quickly told me the truth. I knew something wasn't right as he'd never ever gone out and not come home before. But in all honesty, I didn't expect this to be what he admitted, I really thought he may have had more then the one pint he said he was going for (he drove there) and been pulled over and put in a cell overnight. This would have been the last thing I'd have thought of. I do have lots of real life support, I haven't told many people but my parents and brother and his parents and three sisters know and are all appalled, shocked and angry and have been rallying around again. The only person who would take him in is his uncle. I've been to the citizens advice today and am seeing a solicitor tomorrow plus picked up extra hours at work so I'm keeping nice and busy. I've also pollyfilla'd all the little knocks on my dining room thepink that's also good advice and exactly what my mum keeps saying, have a good milky coffee! I'm really very sorry to hear so many others of you have been here too. It's truly gutting.

OP posts:

thisismyfirsttime · 27/09/2016 22:49

Well NotThe can fuck right off now OP
Drink. Get a 2l bottle of water or a few of them and keep in the fridge overnight and in the morning take it out and leave it where you'll see it, if you drink tea/ coffee go for a larger cup. Buy flavoured fizzy water/ juice/ squash/ coke/ Sprite/ Fanta etc and keep your fluid levels up even if you can't face food. But if you're on such strong meds I'd watch out for taking them on an empty stomach possibly making you have an upset stomach or making you feel like shit. Eat where you can and take care of yourself, it's better for the kids and you for you to be on your best form taking care of them!

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2016 22:50

Oh op you've been through the mill and I'm so so sorry that your dickhead of a P has put the shit icing on the cake for you. What a twunt

RE the not eating, I had this too. I felt like a had a huge lump in my throat and nothing could get past it.

Op I hope better times are just around the corner for you. Look after yourself

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2016 22:52

I'm all things being equal, notthe should home back and apologise but I doubt she can see past her judgey pants to do so

Original poster

SnowBodyforrrrm · 27/09/2016 23:25

yeoldetrout (your username suits you) not entirely sure what kind of person thinks any part of my story is impressive!?! And it wasn't a drip feed, I didn't think my tumour was relevant to my partner having a one night stand until I felt the need to explain my sudden weight gain and relationship with food since last summer. But thank you for your high praise about my impressive drip feed, I will duly accept your gratuitous praise and take a bow!

OP posts:

Doublemint · 27/09/2016 23:36

Snow, loving your responses to the cow bags tonight but Maybe you're channelling your anger at the wrong people.

Back to your post. I am so sorry you've been through such a horrible time, especially with DCs. Stupid DP aside: I stopped eating when my dad died as a teenager- in fact me, DM and DSIS all did. We lived off of Ben and Jerrys and occasional takeaways. I often would go days only having cereal for breakfast. This was when I was a teenager.
I second what pp's have said- it's the adrenaline. A fight or flight response. Try to eat whatever the fudge you fancy, whenever you fancy it. Drink water. Don't feel guilty. Take it one day at a time. Don't over analyse your eating habits right now!

OneTwoOneTwoThreeFour · 28/09/2016 00:11

Hey, know how you feel. The cunt diet is unpleasant and very effective.

I followed advice given here: sweet tea, multi vitamin; complan when it was really bad and needed to keep strength up.

PurpleWithRed · 28/09/2016 00:22

Ditto on breakup of marriage - I 'came to' one day when I stepped on the scales and realised I was under 50kg, looked like a plucked chicken naked, that none of my clothes fitted and I didn't have money to replace them, and that I was controlling my food as it was one thing I could control about the situation.

I made myself two rules

a smoothie every day made with two pieces of fruit, full fat yogurt and fruit juice
a multivitamin every day
one proper meal a day, however small the portion

I did eventually return to normal eating (and have just had to lose 20 lbs to get back to a good weight!).

Justaboy · 28/09/2016 00:34

SnowBodyforrrrm It seems to me you've been to hell and then somewhere else poor you!. Have you had any mental well-being help at all?

That's not to say your suffering from a mental illness but that's a very profound operation to have and there are bound to be problems afterwards with I'd expect most everything sadly inc your other half going out on the tiles:(

Are you off the anti seizure meds now that's I'd expect Epanutin (phenytoin(

MoominKitten · 28/09/2016 04:25

Liquid food is your friend. Lattes, smoothies, milkshakes...also things like ice cream and ice lollies that you don't notice are food IYSWIM. If you like things like nut butter, you can add them to a smoothie/milkshake for a bit of protein.

if you like milky coffee, slim fast do a coffee shake that doesn't taste too bad- it has the benefit of some added multivitamins.

Also do you have a relative (mum, dad, sibling, good friend) who could cook you a meal e.g. Go round to their house, somewhere that is familiar and safe (ideally childhood home but not necessarily), eat a real favourite dish. That way you get to go somewhere you feel safe, which could help shut off the adrenaline and you regain your appetite, plus you don't have to cook, so nausea is less likely to get in the way during preparation.

Take care

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