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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tired of husband's sulks

28 replies

fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:06

I don't know where to start. My husband seems to be cross with me all the time at the moment.

Last night it was because he 'didn't like the way I spoke to him'. I was a bit rude and childish but he was in my face nagging me and I just wanted him to go away.

I apologised but he hasn't spoken to me since.

Last week it was because I'd prepared dinner but not used the right sauce Hmm.

Over the weekend it was something else.

As background, I've been having counselling for anxiety for the past 6 months and feel like things are much better. I think this has made me more assertive but it's definitely made relations between us worse.

I hate it. On Friday I told him to just put me out of my misery and leave. He said obviously he loved me and didn't want to leave but here we are again.

I'm just so bored of it. He moans about everything, is always picking fault with anything I do that is not to his liking, is obsessed with his hobby.

It's just no fun anymore.

We've been together for 20 years but I don't think it's ever been this bad.

OP posts:
Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 27/09/2016 12:10

Put the radio on. Bake something you enjoy. Sing along. Enjoy the peace and quiet and don't let him think you give a shit he is behaving like a teenager.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 27/09/2016 12:10

Has he always been so negative, but now that you're a bit more assertive you've finally realised you shouldn;t have to put up with it?

Sounds like he's a dementor - he sucks the joy out of life. I don't think I could cope with such constant negativity. It sounds utterly draining. I'd start by spending less time with him - get out and enjoy yourself and enjoy life. Let him cook his own dinner if he's going to complain about yours.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 27/09/2016 12:14

Well done OP. The counselling is obviously working for you, which is brilliant. It is an inevitable side-effect that as you become more confident and assertive there will be additional conflict between you and your DH.

He's had things all his own way for years and now he doesn't like the fact that you are expressing yourself.

You don't have to pacify him. You don't have to agree with him. Carry on doing what you're doing! He needs to change.

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:15

He has always been a bit of a drain, yes.

I've started calling him out on it more and more, and started doing more things that I enjoy.

I'm going to leave him to it but it's just so tiring.

I just want him to burst through the door and say 'get changed, we're going out for dinner' not lean over my shoulder like a passive aggressive Greg Wallace.

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 27/09/2016 12:21

I'm sorry things are so bad.
He doesn't love you. But he doesn't want you to end the relationship otherwise who would cook his dinner and do his laundry? And a divorce would be expensive for him.
Constant sulking, criticism, displeasure and moving the goalposts (preparing the 'wrong' sauce) are signs of a pattern of emotional abuse and coercive control.
There is every chance your anxiety would be alleviated a great deal if you did not live with this condescending, controlling man anymore.

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:24

That's my fear keeponrunning

So much of my therapy is about how he makes me feel.

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 27/09/2016 12:27

He is governing your behaviour by sulking, being moody or criticising if you don't do what he wants. You are not free to do what you want. He is though.
He is controlling your behaviour.
Well done on being more assertive. The trouble is, when you are dealing with someone who has been conditioned to feel entitled to expect his wife to do what he wants, you will forever be facing an uphill battle.

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:29

Is it a achievable though? If I'm being generous, I've had a lot of therapy to undo all this learnt behaviour and he has just been confronted with it.

I figure he has a finite amount of time to get used to it or not.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2016 12:33

That shouldn't be your fear - that should be your confirmation that you will be happier away from him.
While he is punishing you by not talking (it's called stonewalling and it's abuse) you don't do anything for him.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, nothing at all.
He'll soon get the message.
In the mean-time, see where you stand with everything.
Get a free half hour with a solicitor to talk through your options.

Do you have kids? Are they affected by his moods?
He's a fun-sucker. Stop letting him do this to you.
Get out and enjoy your life.
You get one shot at this. Don't live it in misery with this dick-head.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 27/09/2016 12:35

Well done for being more assertive and it's great that you know what you want out of life.
Tell him you're not prepared to live with an immature and negative person.
Let him know that he's not going to control you anymore and you have every right to live an enjoyable life.
Have a conversation about it.
Then just do what you want to do.

adora1 · 27/09/2016 12:40

This is a form of abuse and you should not have to ignore it, you should not have to endure any of it, what a horrible man to even want to do that to his partner, I think you feel it's not that bad but honestly, it's no life.

keepingonrunning · 27/09/2016 12:41

He might pay lip-service to the new, assertive you but I'm inclined to think attitudes are deeply ingrained. I hope I'm wrong and wish you well.

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:41

It does affect the children as they get moaned at too. The eldest one has also become very good at believing nothing is ever good enough - including himself.

I just don't think I'd ever have the strength to leave. And I don't want to. I do still love him but beginning to think I'm a mug for doing so.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2016 12:43

This will have long term, far reaching effects on your DC and their future relationships.
You could set a good example now and get them away from the abuse.
Show them that you don't have to put up with it.
That relationships shouldn't be like this.
Do it for them if not for yourself!

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:45

I'm pretty sure his parents had the same relationship.

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 27/09/2016 12:48

If you still love him then I think it's worth talking to him.
people can change if they want to but he needs to have some Self awareness.
He ll never change if he thinks it's never his fault.

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 12:53

I thought things were getting better but this last week has just been utter misery.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 27/09/2016 12:55

It sounds like a massive relationship breakdown to me. He doesn't sound interested in the slightly op. It needs two people to instigate change & he's not going to. His lack of inaction speaks volumes

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2016 13:03

I thought things were getting better
That's your cycle of abuse.
You wouldn't stay if he was horrible all of the time.
So he will keep throwing you a few crumbs to keep you where he wants you.

And like you say - his parents had the same relationship and so will your children. Again, it's that cycle. Only you can break it!!!
Do you want your DC to have the miserable life you have or to inflict a miserable life on another person?? Doubt it!

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 16:20

No I don't.

No idea where to go from here.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2016 16:27

Seeking legal advice would be a good starting point.

Please do not bring up your children to believe that your H's actions are at all normal because they are actually rooted in abuse. Would you want your children to have a marriage like yours; hell no so do not keep on mirroring this to them.

Re your comment:-
It does affect the children as they get moaned at too. The eldest one has also become very good at believing nothing is ever good enough - including himself.

See my comment above. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, just what are the two of you teaching your children here?.

"I just don't think I'd ever have the strength to leave. And I don't want to. I do still love him but beginning to think I'm a mug for doing so".

You are likely confusing love with co-dependency. His actions towards you and in turn his children are not loving ones. You are more powerful than you think but he has made you feel powerless. He has all the power and control in this relationship and has played you like a violin over the years.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2016 16:32

It's a lot to take in so just let it sink in for a few days.
Then start to formulate a plan of your ideal outcome.
Then put things in place to achieve it.
Small steps towards a bigger goal.

I agree with PP, a solicitor visit to see where you stand would be a good starting point.

JellyBean31 · 27/09/2016 16:43

Yes it's achievable Grin. today is my 2 yr anniversary from ending my marriage to a very similar sounding man.

Self awareness gained from counselling is a fabulous thing but it does make you look at your environment differently. I struggled on for about 10 years after I had my eyes opened...because I loved him...because he admitted he needed to change.... because it wasn't so bad all of the time...

Eventually though the endless cycle of abuse (and yes that's what it is), the empty promises to change and a vision of life with just him after the DC had left home and I realised I just didn't love him anymore.

Original poster
fruitstick · 27/09/2016 17:08

I've been with him my whole life, apart from one boyfriend I had at school who was also really controlling.

DH seemed the opposite.

I feel like I've sacrificed a lot and have nothing to show for it.

I had a great job in a career I loved. We had a house in London. We sold it and moved out, I gave up my career because I wanted to stay at home with the kids. We couldn't afford to live on DH's salary though (he earns less than he did 10 years ago) so now I work for myself but much less well paid than the job I was doing before.

I can't blame him for that, they were all my decisions but I feel like I've fucked everything up.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/09/2016 19:28

There's nothing you can do about the past.

You can unfuck your future though.

Why don't you want to leave him?