Sons friends mother behaving inappropriately?

[worriednotsure]

I have a son who still lives at home and is almost eighteen. He has a fairly close, platonic friendship with a young woman he went to school with (I'll use the false name, Mary.) Mary moved into the area a couple of years ago and they have been friends - socialising together fairly often since. Therefore I know Mary and my son knows Mary's mother, although I wouldn't say the relationships are close IYSWIM.

I have never liked Mary's mother unfortunately. I find her shallow and narcissistic - one of those people who is superficially very charming and gushy (the first time she met me she went on and on about how wonderful and beautiful I was - we'd only just met for goodness sake!) but who soon loses interest and is on to the next thing. I am not the only one who finds her this way, in fact I don't think she really has any female friends at all. She is the kind of woman men often love though - extremely attractive and flirtatious - she clearly gets a lot of validation from her looks and the male attention they garner.

Aaaanyway, my son recently told me, in a nonplussed kind of way, that Mary's mother had been sending him messages over social media in the middle of the night. There was one had been sent at about one in the morning telling him he looked like a male celebrity, calling him darling, and ending with kisses. Then another at five in the morning saying she hoped he and I were "friends again" (we had recently had a row). Then the next day she sent him a photo of the celebrity she was talking about clarifying that she thought he looked like a young version of him.

My son clearly feels a bit weirded out, not just by the content of the messages but by the time they have been sent as well. He is assuming she was drunk (she's a big drinker).

And my question is: am I being overly prickly because I don't like her? Or is her behaviour really inappropriate? He's not yet eighteen and she is around forty. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. Would I message one of my sons friends in the night calling them darling and adding kisses thinking it was harmless? I really wouldn't, and I know some of them very well. I would worry about it being misinterpreted at the very least.

What do you think?

I'm still not happy though.

He's nearly 18, I would advise him to ignore but I think you need to leave him to it.

I think it's inappropriate but some of the reactions on here are ott. He's an adult!

What would the police make of it MotherDuck? These are two people above the age of consent. She isn't a teacher or an authority figure of any sort. What she's doing is not illegal.

I would say it is inappropriate, though.

What did you say when he showed you the messages, and told you he was weirded out, worried?

He needs to just show the messages to Mary. Mary can point out to her mother that she doesn't think it's appropriate for her to be messaging her mates when pissed up in the middle of the night, and it is embarrassing her.
Unless of course Mary is well aware of her drunk and inappropriate mother, in which case your son and Mary can commiserate together.

Either way, at 18, you shouldn't be involved except as guidance - you shouldn't be contacting the mother herself.

And get them to spend more time at yours if it is awkward for him to be at Mary's.

I would message her myself. If your son blocks her then she will ask him why, maybe when he's next round their place, which could put him in a very awkward spot. Better that the adult takes control. Good luck - she sounds awful by the way!

I hope he tells Mary. She might take matters into her own hands and tell her mother to back off.

Otherwise, encourage your son to ignore the messages, and block the mother if possible.

Your son is probably just trying to calm you down. But I think your assessment is right, it's inappropriate and Inthibk it would be totally okay for you to say so in a polite and perhaps even jokingly manner to Mary's mother. At least then she knows you're aware. It can't be expected that your son should be able to deal with the the situation.

Oh sorry didn't see your sons 18 thought he was only 16. If he's 18 this is up for him to deal with

Messaging Mary's mother would be downright weird. Mary's mum whines to Mary about her mate's nut job mother treating her friend like a little boy?

No ta. I'd not be embarrassing my son like that at 18. He needs to control his own way in the world, not have his mama embarrassing him behind his back. He'd never tell me anything ever again for fear I'd take matters into my own hands and start messaging everyone about it. Messaging Mary's mother would put you firmly in the 'inappropriate mothers' bracket alongside her. It'd be the last time he confided.

Nobody said anything about doing it behind his back. Of course mum shouldn't do it if son isn't ok with that. If I were 17 and was being messaged inappropriately by a 40 year old man, would my dad have expected me to deal with it entirely on my own? Not likely.

HardcoreLady when he first showed me I made a WTF face and frowned. I clearly wasn't comfortable but he went straight out and it wasn't until after he had gone that I had time to properly process what he had told me.

He knows I don't like her anyway. I think he could possibly want to avoid any rocking of the boat or awkwardness in his friendship with Mary, to whom he is quite close.

He's not quite eighteen. But of course the last thing I want to do is make his life awkward.

I also Agee with your reservations about this situation, I'd feel concerned too, but I wouldn't know what the hell to do.Teenagers do tend to live in the moment and your lad was probably a bit freaked out at first but now he's gone onto something new, they don't tend to dwell on things like us adults.Id advise him to not reply to her texts at all, these type of personalities love to be fed and I'm giving her the benefit of doubt here, in thinking she is just someone who does not recoggnise boundaries and constantly craves attention from all and sundry.

God no. Message her yourself. "Hi X. Please don't contact Son again on Facebook - your posts made him feel uncomfortable, and I don't think they're appropriate at all."

This. Definitely.

Why doesn't Mary know? He should tell her.

i wouldnt call it grooming as hes nearly an adult but very inappropriate

can he not just say thanks but dont think u should message me anymore

Your son feels it was weird, therefore it was weird. And he's right of course, it was weird. I don't think being drunk excuses it, she's just not ... oriented toward the appropriate age group?

I don't think he'd do that Gabs - I think he'd be worried about making things awkward.

I think he probably just wants to brush it under the carpet and hope it doesn't happen again. I've no idea if he has told, or is going to tell, Mary. He might not want to cause her embarrassment (although i know Mary and she is a very sweet but rather naive young woman and would probably think her mother was just being nice.)

He's an adult (near as) he can handle this, maybe just tell him it's up to him what he does about it, but to let you know if it escalates, or if he wants your help.

Weird indeed.

Lizzie she has a partner (well, a boyfriend.) I know him. They've been together just over a year. I also know and am friends with his ex wife.

I agree it's really inappropriate. I had similar with my 14 year old from his SM. Not late at night, but kisses on public messages, just that side of 'ikky' although to her she was thinking probably how cool and warm their relationship was.

Bottom line is its just not really on. It was VERY awkward as my Ex is totally unapproachable. I couldn't say anything. I had a chat with my son instead who was mortified already as his mates were a bi, wtf!

I think it's good to give a variety of options about how to deal with it himself then let him choose. I think a lot of young people get into situations that go badly because they don't have ways of extricating themselves. Talking this stuff through can help.

Message her yourself. "Hi X. Please don't contact Son again on Facebook - your posts made him feel uncomfortable, and I don't think they're appropriate at all."

This.

He may be nearly 18 but that does not mean that he has the experience or emotional intelligence to see the social dynamic at play here and such perspective does not automatically materialize when a calendar page is turned. Reading the board here shows some folks never get it.

Contacting her may be futile and/or feed her need for attention.
Avoid that; completely blanking her is the way to go, imho.

I would coach your son on what the next play might be and give him 101 ways to say "no". (Actually the book is "The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It") She may want him to do something for her, a wee little favor, that he may be embarrassed to say "no" to (change a light bulb), but he must say "no" because if he does a little thing, then she will move on to another little bigger thing and since he didn't mind doing the first thing, he shouldn't mind doing the second...and so on. It is grooming, manipulating, and calculating.

Your son should definitely tell Mary, and if her mom doesn't back off, I'd counsel your son that his friendship with Mary will need certain boundaries...if not to step away from Mary altogether as well. That may seem harsh, but really...Mary's mom is using Mary as bait. Just no, stay away.

Really good he talked to you about it! Boys in particular can think they ought to handle everything themselves so it's very nice he trusts you to be a good sounding board.