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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a relationship with a serious alcoholic and need advice please

55 replies

hopelessoptimist · 25/09/2016 00:33

This is the first time I have posted please be gentle with me. Its quite a long story but I will try to summarise.
about 18 months ago I got back together with my first love after separating from my husband. We have known each other for 33 years and got together at school. We split up and then went out again when we were 20, then split when I had a year abroad for my degree and now we are together again. it was a slightly traumatic beginning as we were brought together when DPs best friend committed suicide and I helped him through it (he was also an old friend of mine). DP has always been a heavy drinker and also is bi- polar for which he takes meds. His last relationship ended because of his drinking (I know...alarm bells). He has periods where he drinks less and was always a 'functioning alcoholic', but also had periods where he would drink a lot. He has done 2 official detoxes and numerous other self - regulated detoxes where he has stopped , but always for a short while. When we got together he said he wanted to change his life for the better and being with me would be a massive help. I know he does love me very much but he has continued with his drinking since we moved in together a year ago. Not much initially but then increasing so that he was drinking in the mornings...but would usually remain 'functional' somehow, again to varying degrees. About 2 months ago he suddenly took a nose dive. He has been drinking incredibly heavily and is now up to around 45 units a day. He is incapable of anything other than lying on the sofa or getting up to get another drink or smoke a cigarette in the garden. He is unable to take care of himself and hasn't eaten properly for about 5 weeks, and nothing solid for almost 3 , I make him complan shakes .The problem is he is losing his memory, his personality has changed and he is verbally aggressive. He has decided that I am an exhibitionist based on the fact that I went in a hot tub with our friends whilst on a school reunion (we sat and chatted) I have worn bikinis, and I walked to the bathroom in my shorty pjs when we had house guests (they were upstairs asleep and I wasn't seen) (he decided this before the heavy drinking started and he says this hasn't helped his current state. He says he knows I will do this again. He doesn't threaten me with violence and he has never been a fight or threatened me in the past but he has started calling me names, he gets quite angry when he talks about my 'exhibitionism' and badgers me by going over an d over what I have 'done' asking for explanations and not accepting the answers. I have stopped responding now.but it is so wearing being under a constant barrage of accusations. I know it doesn't sound very much and it isn't compared to what a lots of people put up with but I am beginning to get really ground down by it all. I care for him and I am getting nothing in return. He even says I 'obviously' don't give a shit about him. He has about 4 subjects that he goes on and on about, he is confused, cant remember a thing, shuffles around, looks like a ghost as he is so pale and has lost so much weight. I have been trying and trying to ge t him help and he has eventually agreed to go to the local drug and alcohol support place. He was seen by the doc who told him he needed in patient de-tox. He is refusing to go, although I have asked for the referral to be made. Even his daughter saying she would be destroyed if he doesn't go only seems to have had a temporary effect. I am at the end of my tether, getting back aches and migraines and feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I am usually such a happy, optimistic person but I feel there is no hope. I have the feeling even if he does get to detox he will just go back to drink because he says he could never live without it. He is a mental health professional but now retired due to his health. I am so sorry for the ramble. I do really love him but I cant go on leading this life and I feel so stupid for thinking I could help him. My old life was so happy and secure in comparison and I am just not used to living with such daily stress. I just don't know what to do I guess. If I leave him there is no way he could care for himself but if I stay I do not think it will be any good for me. What should I do? Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
hopelessoptimist · 25/09/2016 12:35

I have wondered whether its abusive , googled it lots of times etc, it just never seems to be bad enough to constitute abuse, I always feel like I am taking away from people who really do suffer abuse if I term my experiences in that way.

OP posts:
Dollykazaver · 25/09/2016 20:56

Well you're wrong there. Someone using alcohol like this, and hectoring you over and over is SERIOUS psychological abuse.

PLEASE end this relationship.

Original poster
hopelessoptimist · 27/11/2021 15:45

Jus thought I’d update on the saga. It went on for quite a while longer as he refused to move out. I paid him off with help from family and eventually he bought his own place. I had to change the front door lock because he refused to accept it wasn’t his house anymore and would just come back in. The abuse got worse before he left . For example, He would kick in my bedroom door at 3 am (I had put a hook on the inside to try to keep him out) and basically stop me from sleeping by hectoring over and over. I was a teacher at the time and god knows how I managed to keep it together at work - but it gave me respite from being in the same place as him . Anyway a long story short I had an epiphany new year of 2017/18 about what I needed to do with my life etc and felt so much calmer . He left finally early May and shortly before that I met the man who is now my husband. He was someone I had known years back at law school. He is the complete opposite of the alcoholic. The kindest, most caring and funniest man I could wish for and both my kids love him too. I just wanted to say for anyone else stuck in a similar situation that there is light at the end of the tunnel eventually. Don’t put yourself through it, follow the advice given to me in all these caring posts and get out as soon as you can. Thank you to everyone who helped me back then, your words gave me such strength in some very dark times.

OP posts:
layladomino · 27/11/2021 16:24

Your update is wonderful, Op.

When you're in the middle of a problem it feels like happiness is another country, and unreachable. It might take time, it might be a difficult process, but it is worthy every step.

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/11/2021 16:27

Oh that is so, so lovely to read!

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2021 16:28

Is he still alive?

RaisedByPangolins · 27/11/2021 16:41

Oh wow! What an update, I’m so pleased you were able to move on and break the pattern by meeting someone lovely Flowers

What an awesome inspiration to anyone who find this thread. You have one life. He chose to waste his and you are now living yours to the fullest.

RaisedByPangolins · 27/11/2021 16:44

@Fluffycloudland77

Is he still alive?
I wondered this. But then thought, do you know what, I hope OP has no idea what happened, otherwise she would still be somehow tied to him, worrying or thinking about him. I hope that’s the last she saw or heard of him, not her circus, not her monkeys etc

I know it’s a disease and all that, and kudos to any PPs who successfully went to rehab. But OP was being dragged down by this man, and getting away from him and breaking ties allowed her to be happy again.

AuntieStella · 27/11/2021 17:00

That is a really heartening update hopelessoptimist and all the best for your future

Original poster
hopelessoptimist · 27/11/2021 20:45

Thank you so much everyone. He is still alive (despite developing throat cancer in sep of 2017 - yet another complication to getting shot of him. He started smoking and drinking again as soon as his treatment was finished) but he’s apparently still not in a good way. The only reason I know this is because of a mutual friend and it was a one off mention of him . I hope I don’t sound too horrible when I say I really don’t care what happens to him now. I know I did my best and he did absolutely nothing other than go deeper and deeper into his own circles of hell and do his best to drag me down with him . Anyway. Enough of him , life with DH is amazing. We have had the usual hardships of life since we got together, I lost my mum, my son developed diabetes type 1 as a result of covid, struggles with his daughter and his ex who are both narcissists (maybe one for another aibu !) but we have just got stronger and stronger through it all . Here’s to positive thinking and surrounding yourself with people who buoy you up not bring you down.

OP posts:
WindyWindsor · 27/11/2021 21:37

OP it's so nice to see someone update after all these years. It's so good to hear you're doing so well now Smile

TobyEsterhase · 27/11/2021 21:47

He is an alcoholic. The abusive behaviour is part and parcel of his disease. Nothing you can do will make him change.

AudTheDeepMinded · 27/11/2021 21:52

@TobyEsterhase

He is an alcoholic. The abusive behaviour is part and parcel of his disease. Nothing you can do will make him change.
Might help to read the full thread and updates!
DismantledKing · 27/11/2021 21:55

@TobyEsterhase

He is an alcoholic. The abusive behaviour is part and parcel of his disease. Nothing you can do will make him change.
The least you can do in any thread is to at least read all the OP’s updates.
DismantledKing · 27/11/2021 21:55

And well done, OP. I’m glad to hear that your life is going so well considering what you’ve had to put up with in the past.

Holothane · 27/11/2021 21:58

Leave don’t go back this will never get any better I’ve been there done it with ex, now dh is difficult to live with it’s not nice believe me. Hugs.

SylvanianFrenemies · 27/11/2021 21:59

OP, when I read your thread title, I rather glibly said "leave". Then I read your thread. My advice is unchanged. Leave.

You cannot fix him. You cannot save him. He is abusive. Either he goes down alone, or he takes you with him. Choose to save yourself.

His only chance of getting help is if no one is facilitating him, so you'll be doing him a favour.

Weenurse · 27/11/2021 22:01

Great update, glad you have moved on and are happy with DH.

SylvanianFrenemies · 27/11/2021 22:02

Just read your update. Well done and congratulations!

EllieLucy · 27/11/2021 22:10

You should leave.

You need to save yourself. You can't save him. And he doesn't want to save himself.

He's abusive, his behaviour isn't "nothing" it's appalling. He's a non-functional alcoholic. You need to forget about a life with him.

Don't date people who want to use you as a crutch (being with you would help to improve his drinking, he said. No it won't, he needs to stop because he cares for/about himself, stopping for someone else doesn't work. Someone else loving you doesn't make you stop drinking either). He was using you. He wasn't in a fit state to get into a relationship.

You've made a mistake but you can rectify it by leaving him and getting on with your life. Look for a "sorted" partner, not one who needs fixing or needs to change their life. If you want a project, volunteer with a charity and use your desire to fix/heal people/the world that way. Flowers

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/11/2021 22:14

Thanks so much for updating OP. I hope your story inspires others in similar situations to get themselves free.

So glad to hear you and your DC are happy with DH.

EllieLucy · 27/11/2021 22:15

Sorry OP didn't realize this was a zombie thread! Congratulations on finding a new life for yourself

FlipFlops4Me · 28/11/2021 08:48

My DSis is an alcoholic and when she was at her worst her own DP was her enabler, together with DM. After DM's death it was just her DP and then when he died I'm afraid I told her I'd see her living as a bag-lady on the street before I'd give her a penny piece, and if she was drinking she could camp on my doorstep and I'd not let her in.

Six weeks later she enrolled in a program and has been sober for many years now. Sometimes you have to be hard as nails and look out for yourself - looking after DS would have broken me because she's a really nasty drunk.

FlipFlops4Me · 28/11/2021 08:50

Just read your update OP - I am so glad you are in such a good place! It is sooo important to look after your own mental health, and not let a loving, caring nature be your downfall.

FlipFlops4Me · 28/11/2021 08:51

I also didn't realise it's a zombie thread. WIll be more careful in future...

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