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Original poster

does anyone else think that some MILs get a raw deal and that some DILs are nasty, evil, manipulative women?

51 replies

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 05/02/2007 15:26

obviously these boards are testament to the fact that there are some truely vile MILs out there who are vile, nasty, manipulative women. But I can't help thinking that there are some DILs out there who fit the same description when I read things like "me and the children are his family now" or posts from people complainin that their dh dares to have a close relationship with his mother.

so are there an equal amount of vile DILs out there too? and are there MILs that are worthy of our sympathy in the same way as the DILs we sympathise with?

discuss.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/02/2007 15:30

Yes, of course, there are nasty people of all ages and both genders. And nasty people get married too.

I can't see what the point of starting this thread was though, other than to upset the person who started the other thread you've just posted on. Not a very nice thing to do, IMO.

Original poster
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 05/02/2007 15:38

no actually it wasn't aimed at the OP in that other thread, but one of the posts from someone else that stated that "she should realize that we are his family now", a statement which I have seen in many other threads did make me wonder if we are often unduely harsh on MILs.

There seems to be this opinion, among some, that when we marry a man he becomes ours to the exclusion of all others - and that includes his mother. And yet a lot of women have close relationships with their own mothers and if their dh's protested about that the dh would be seen to be the one at fault.

OP posts:
piglit · 05/02/2007 15:40

There's an old old saying that goes:

A daughter's a daughter for the whole of her life; a son's a son until he takes a wife.

finecheese · 05/02/2007 15:54

mmm i had this exact discussion with my mum the other day - she of four daughters. Mum knows a few people who practically ban their husbands, and therefore their grandchildren, from seeing their mothers. I find it absurd and an odd form of jealousy, but then i guess you often don't know the whole story...

redtent · 05/02/2007 16:17

This reply has been deleted

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Hulababy · 05/02/2007 16:18

I think there are good and bad MILs, just as much as there are good and bad DIL, (and FIL and SILs too).

OrmIrian · 05/02/2007 16:38

Undoubtedly there are although I'd prefer not to use those particular adjectives. My DBs wife might have been described in those sorts of terms by my mum - she seemed to have decided once her first baby was born to exclude my mum and only allow her own mother to have any access to the baby. It caused a horrible rift for a while, and this was with a MIL who honestly started out thinking she was totally wonderful and was really delighted she'd married my brother. But it was almost entirely down to misunderstanding, PND, a very possessive and lonely mother (SIL's mother that is)and the fact that they lived 4 hours away from each other. If my mother had been a different person and my dad and brother hadn't been very calm and patient about it all it might have been a permanent situation.

I do generally get upset though when I hear people saying that their family is the only one that matters and that GPs and ILs have to basically butt out .

WigWamBam · 05/02/2007 16:47

It's life though, isn't it. There are nice people and nasty people, gentle people and angry people, selfish people and kind people everywhere - stands to reason that some of those people are going to be MILs, some are going to be sons or daughters, some are going to be sons- or daughters-in-law.

Mumsnet is always going to have a high proportion of women with problem MILs - it's the demographic of the site. There are far more people here with MILs than DILs. Plus people are far more likely to need support or a friendly ear if they have a problem than if everything's going well - so of course there will be more posts here complaining about MILs than praising them to the hilt.

Caligula · 05/02/2007 16:51

Of course.

I do think as well there is a social issue here about the role of older women in our society. The role of MIL/ grandmother is seen as a marginal one in a family in our society, as opposed to a central one as it is in some other cultures.

Also there's a difference between the role of the mother of the daughter versus the mother of the son.

lulumama · 05/02/2007 16:54

do you think a lot of it depends on the family dynamic within the your own relationship with your parents too?

i get on really well with my parents, and really well with my in-laws, there is no conflict with either set of parents...we just don;t have screaming rows...

disagreements, very rarely, but on the whole we get on....

some of the threads here about people;s relationships, or lack thereof with their parents and in laws, do make me and appreciate what i have

i agree that people can be nasty or nice, and it is not to do with being a MIL< DIL , FIL etx but the kind of person you are

beansprout · 05/02/2007 16:55

Agree with Caligula, there is a fundamental tension in the relationship. Chuck in a few grandchildren and it's no wonder it's difficult sometimes.

I say that, I don't have a MIL or a FIL so I have no axe to grind but it's not difficult to see why it gets difficult sometimes.

ginnedupmummy · 05/02/2007 16:58

Message withdrawn

PeachyClair · 05/02/2007 17:00

Yes and without doubt. And I think lots of people can't see when they are at fault as well, and genb=nuinely think they are OK. I try to be a good DIL, I used to force Dh to call- yet she perceived his reluctance as me preventing it. Which goes to show that things can get very confused and warped in a family environment.

PrettyCandles · 05/02/2007 17:01

Yes, it's true. My db's ex was a really nasty person. My mum may not be everyone's cup of tea, but her attitude has always been that if her child loves someone, and that person loves her child, then she loves that person too. As far as she was concerned, when my brother married, she gained a daughter. Sadly, she got her fingers so badly burned by that relationship that, when I got married, she wanted to feel that she had gained a son, but didn't dare say it. I sincerely hope dh feels and believes that my mum wants only the best for him, not just for me and the LOs.

lizziemun · 05/02/2007 17:04

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe

Yes some DIL are as vile as some MIL it's human nature.

I can only speak from personnel experience my brother's first wife was.

She was rude, inconsiderate and had to be centre of the world.

When my brother left her after 6mth he was covered in bite marks and scratches.

She hit my mum because mum wouldn't make my brother go back to her, would phone at 3o'clock in the morning and leave abusive messages on the answer phone.

DarrellRivers · 05/02/2007 17:04

Your relationship with your in-laws is not instant, when you have children it gets a little more complicated , but they love your DH, they love your children and if it all goes around, it is in your interests to try and have a good relationship with them.
They are tied to you and as time goes by, you love them with all their funny ways, and irritating behaviours.
They are part of your DCs fan club after all

Original poster
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 05/02/2007 17:12

I wonder though whether some of it is perception rather than how it actually is - when we get married it is almost an unspoken rule that you're not supposed to get on with "the mother in law" so do we go into marriage with this pre-conceived notion that our Mil is supposed to be evil and getting on with her would be out of the norm? and do ILs have a similar view in some instances perhaps?

My Mil is actually ok, but my Fil, during a family argument, told me I was over possessive of my ds, that I picked him up every time he cried, and that my staying at home with him was harmful to him. He then didn't speak to me for two years, even when he came to stay at our house. I can honestly say that during that time I went out of my way to be nice to him. He now does speak to me, we get on ok in fact, although I am still sure he hates me.

OP posts:
rarrie · 05/02/2007 18:50

I think part of the problem may come from different expectations. Often it is the woman who shapes the way the family is run, and so often the family life fits in with her family/ parent's way of doing things. But of course the MIL has a different way of doing things and that can cause tension.

For example, if the woman comes from a family where people say what they think, then she might she expecting the ILs to offer help etc, and get peeved when it is not forthcoming, but if the Ils have a different system and prefer to wait to be asked (for not wanting to interfere) then there can be problems, equally the ILs may have a system of always offering and being helpful but if the DILs way of doing things is to wait to be asked, then it can be perceived as interfering.

I have this from time to time with my ILs - they're not bad people, but they have a different way of doing things and it can cause tensions at times. But then there are also the raving looneys (on both sides of the fence!)

Caligula · 05/02/2007 18:55

That's so true Rarrie. I have an uncle who is detested by most of his in-laws. He doesn't offer to do things (such as DIY, car lifts etc.) because he doesn't want to overstep the mark and tread on someone else's toes, and they perceive his reluctance to offer as being unhelpful and standoffish "He'd never offer to do anything for you, you always have to ask him for anything..."

That's obviously not the only reson they can't stand him, but it's a difference in method which has always been a barrier.

RosaLuxembourg · 05/02/2007 20:42

My mother and my SIL have an appalling relationship. They each view the other as the IL from hell. Some of it is down to jealousy and possessiveness towards my brother (from both of them) - some down to things that each have done to put the other's back up and which neither is willing to forgive. I have to say looking at it from the outside, I think my mother is the greater offender as no matter what SIL does my mum will construe it as being meant badly (to the extent where I now have to avoid ever mentioning SIL to mum and refuse to get involved in a conversation about her ever). SIL has not helped the situation by some of the things she has said, but the situation is not of her making - it is mainly mum's fault. I mostly put it down to the fact that SIL has as mum sees it 'taken away' her favourite child.

Caligula · 05/02/2007 20:46

Gosh I've now seen the thread I think the OP may be referring to and while I think the OP on that one isn't bonkers (just has some issues) some of the other DIL's on there are obviously berserk.

There's a lot of jealousy and insecurity about, isn't there? I can actually understand it from the MIL's pov (she's losing her DS) but from a DIL's pov, I don't really know where that comes from. In our society, the DIL is the one with the power.

RosaLuxembourg · 05/02/2007 20:48

What thread is that Caligula? (insert nosey emoticon here)

Caligula · 05/02/2007 20:52

Oops it's probably not mn etiquette to bring another thread in, but what the hell, sometimes it's difficult to have a discussion without referring to another thread. It's here

There was another MIL thread the other day, also quite interesting. Will see if I can find it.

Caligula · 05/02/2007 20:54

the evil MIL conundrum

LieselVentouse · 05/02/2007 21:19

Yes I have to agree, although my MIL is somewhat erm boring, my SIL is pure evil, nasty piece