does anyone else think that some MILs get a raw deal and that some DILs are nasty, evil, manipulative women?

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

obviously these boards are testament to the fact that there are some truely vile MILs out there who are vile, nasty, manipulative women. But I can't help thinking that there are some DILs out there who fit the same description when I read things like "me and the children are his family now" or posts from people complainin that their dh dares to have a close relationship with his mother.

so are there an equal amount of vile DILs out there too? and are there MILs that are worthy of our sympathy in the same way as the DILs we sympathise with?

discuss.

I think so yes.

An aquaintance of mine bemoans her MIL's faults constantly, about interference etc. But, from the outside, I see a DIL, living in their house (not with them - its another house for which they could get triple the rent that they are currently receiving) for a pittance rent.

They have a babysitter in her on cue 24/7 as and when adn they do use her often. So, they get free childcare while she goes to Uni.

They had 2 weddings. All paid for by her ILS. It amounted to £60,000 all in all. Now, whilst money shouldnt buy you love etc, I think to a certain extent that if you are willing to accept so much generosity from someone, its not particularly unfair for them to feel like they dont need an invitation to some things iykwim???

I am judging quite harshly I suppose, but, I just feel that if you feel so strongly about something, you dont refuse them with one hand, whilst holding out the begging bowl in the other.

wow the last poster to today's thread - the one before my response is particularly ... opinionated on the matter.

moi?

ah no no vv I was referring to the poster on the other thread who stated that she didn't like her dh speaking to his mother because "was I not enough for him?"

and I totally agree with your post btw - wow 60 grand!

I do believe that what you put in you will get back. me and my fil have had major issues, and yet they are dh's parents and they're not bad people. And on Friday I sent dh on a 3 hour journey to go and fix their computer because they've just moved and don't know anyone else and there's no one else that could do it for them.

These things have to be done

yes, my sil is such a dil. both her and my mil deserve each other.

I've been on here a good while now and I find that when women have their first baby they can be very possessive about their family unit and set about doing things their way so you get all the threads about MILs giving toddlers chocolate and disrupting nap times etc. But then a lot will calm down. I certainly did. I am grateful to my MIL that she is going to have my two DC to stay at the weekend giving me a break to help recover from cold/cough that I cannot shake off and associated lack of sleep. And that due to her past efforts DS and DD are excited and think it is a treat for them (deluded creatures ). But when DS was a baby I had different ideas.... And I am sure at least part of this was my expectation that she would be interfering, undermining etc...

Caligula

What IS the difference between the role of the daughters mum and the role of the son's mum?

My MIL thinks she the mother of the family!!!! That the husband's family is more important. I'm none too pleased? Is that what you mean - have I got it wrong all these years?

While there are evil daughters in law, Im sure, I think what defines the Evil MIL is that she wants more control than is due her right. For example, lots of control over the kids, and the way of bringing them up, when really, shes had her chance. Why not step back and let the DIL make her own mistakes? This has no bearing on how often she may see the kids, its just that why assert superiority? REgarding her son, its true that DILs have to step back in his relationship with his mum, but STILL, the MIL should relinquish the control she used to have over him.
I mean, respecting his wife is an extension of respect towards him and visa versa. If the DIL loves her husband, she will respect his mum. Although I do believe that most obvious control/power disputes should be solved by the husband, because it seems that many husbands on here abdicate responsibility.

I find it worrying that we tend to talk about our relationship with MILs in terms of who has control.

I don't control my DH or anyone else in the slightest - my MIL tries to control everything including me around her and that's when we start to spat. Will not be dictated to by someone who needs alot of my resources and then expects me to thank her for it!

In general I agree that there are as many awful DILs as MILs.

I have a lovely MIL and I feel I have got closer to dp's family since we have had a child. DS sees both sets of gp's at least once a week (they provide our childcare) and I speak to them most days. We all live in the same town.

Both me and dp went to a church school (and as a result our families have similar strong christian beliefs). We both also come from a similar background, and were raised in a similar way. We also both have no problems with our upbringing and are close to both families.

This I believe is why our relationships with both families has always been easy going and very close.

Also it helps that dp's family are lovely

BAck to the original post, I think that it all depends on whose perspective you are getting. i.e. for my MIL I'm an evil DIL because:

a)If it wasn't for me he would have never left her side, city, etc.
b)Because I'm too sensitive
c)Because I come from a dubious background
d)Because I'm blocking her from seeing her grandson more often.

Now, if you see exactly the same reasons from MY perspective...for me my MIL is an evil MIL because:

a) We left because DH was offered his dream job and me the oportunity to escape her surveilance and constant demands of us asking permision (yes, permission) for every decision we were to make and no, it was not directly affecting her because we were independant and DH had lived on his own since 3 years before I met him.But still she was always brandishing the phrase "my children are mine and I decide what they are to do"

b)Yes, I might be sensitive to some of her comments, but who won't be if your MIL constantly compares you (always for the worse) with DH's ex openly and in front of more people, constantly criticise everything you do and even asks you to pretend you are not from your country because you are embarrasing her.

c) My dubious background is being a foreigner. Just that, plenty of racism coming this way.

d) we don't do holidays as often as before because DS has started school, because every time we visit she ends up screaming at DH or me, because she doesn't do instructions and in DS's particular circumstances that is very dangerous: For example, 2 weeks ago we visited her, she was cooking 3 dishes one with fish, one with dairy, and potatoes. (DS is allergic to milk and fish, but I don't expect people to cook specially for him). DH asks her not to use the same spoon for the 3 dishes as DS may have a reaction, she goes in a rant about us being obsessed with DS's allergies telling us EVERBODY have allergies and nothing will happen, discussion goes on for a while with DH even reminding her of DS need to have Epipens at reach due to likelyhood of anaphylactic reaction. 15 minutes later she stops the rant and agrees not to use the same spoon. We sit at the table, finished dinner and then I realise DS's face is getting all puffed and is wheezing... MIL did what she wanted to show us nothing will happen and then goes on and on on that "nothing" being happening while I take DS away to sort out the reaction.

So...you judge.

Oh well we all know your MIL is an effing lunatic Chandra. Personally I think you're pretty saintly in allowing her to see your DS at all, given that she's willing to take the risk of killing him.

Bubblymummy I think in our culture there's an unspoken expectation that mothers will continue to have involvement in their DD's lives but not their sons' - that old saying that someone else has already quoted, "a daughter's your daughter the whole of your life, a son's your son until he takes a wife" - within that is the assumption that the mother of the son will stand back and defer to the DIL, whereas the mother of the daughter will continue to be heavily involved in the ongoing family.

It doesn't always work that way of course, but the reason that saying exists is because it reflects traditional assumptions.

My MIL is fantastic!! She is my best freind and I love her very much.

She drives me made of course and her favourite thing is to play dumb instead of figuring out what we are on about then beratting herelf saying oh I am stupid. She realy runs herself down a lot.

I really couldn't have managed without her and over the years she has fed us loads of meals when we are skint and keeps me right with all the things I forget.

She is moving into the small village as me, so very handy for the childcare , but also for me to give her a hand with things and for company, I am hoping she will get involved with the local churh and WI as she hasn't been able to where she was living.

I also have a fantastic Mother In Law and there are times in the past when we couldn't have managed without her.

I have four children so will probably be a Mother In Law myself onday and would hate to think that I was being tarred with the same MIL 'brush'

So yes, I do think they get a raw deal

My MIL is a very nice person. She can be bitchy and nurses a lot of grudges but generally she's a nice person. We used to get on very well indeed.

She's a bit obsessive, intrusive and needy for my liking though and I tend to keep my distance from her now having realised all that. She would like to come round every day, all day to see DS but we have our own stuff to do and lives to lead. Am I an evil DIL not to want that or let that happen? So be it!

Are there more evil DILs than MILs? I think it's like any group of people - some are lovely, some are foul, some are controlling, some are more laissez-faire etc.

To say that ALL MILs get a raw deal and that ALL DILs have the power is a bit daft really. Each family situation is unique.

Also, when you have a baby, you can feel a bit vulnerable and, as it natural to want to have time to establish yourself as a mother. I guess you can feel your toes are being trodden on by even a well meaning MIL.

well I was the perfect DIL and I'm also the perfect MIL

i tink i made such a comment - certainly with the same general point.

for clarification.

sometimes dp/dhs find themselves in a position where their mother still has high demands and imposes an Alpha female dominance over him.

this sometimes needs correcting. the methods are varied. but yes. his wife and children are his first priority.

of that there should be no doubt.

battlelines drawn.

fly it out of an aeroplane if you want.

but in no uncertain terms ( some) MILs need reminding that actually they are not the primary consideration.

some partners husbands are confused as to where their alegences lie. IMO its best to sort this out immediatley and remind them that his wife anc children are his primary concern.

NOW

this does not mean.

ignore MIL
dont love her anymore
dont ring her
dont send birthday cars
pretend she doesn't exist.

In daily life this means. MIL is clear she cant badmouth DIL in front of DH and expect to not be pulled.

MIL can expect the same respect and helpfulness one would give to your mother.

so if she wants to go shopping in town and needs a lift - sure!

if she EXPECTS a lift by your dh regularly and on her bck and call - then no.

the moral of the story is - when a son gets a girlfriend sometimes the mother feels displaced.

my son has a girlfriend. i get the displacement. i'm not number one. sex is. i get that my way of dealing with it is to be nice to the girl, she's nice so it's not hard.

but when they get married. i wont take the piss with my requests. after all he isn't my dog to call, fetch and carry when i want

Spot on by Custardo.

Having re read this thread including my post, i thinks it is less to with whether mil or dil are nasty or evil more to do with the person personnality eg whether they are nice or nasty people.

I can see it from both sides my brother now on his third marriage and they live their life as they want so my mum see him/them probaly 4 or 5 times a year, but this works for them, yes mum would like to see them more but with their busy life it just not possible.

My mil has had to except that dh will only phone if he needs or i nag him asking if he has spoken to them recently because she makes what he see unreasonable demands.

Now my mum lives a 2 min walk away doesn't make any demands on his time unless there is no one else she can ask for help from. Me and dd see her every weekend but she never coments about not seeing dh.

I think we all have to except what IL'S we get and just try to get on with them because we have all become one family.

custardo - in other words everyone has to behave reasonably and in a grown-up fashion towards each other. Yes? But sadly some people never grow up and are insecure in their relations to other people - which is where the evil mils and evil dils come from. No man is so bloody wonderful that he's worth a feud - I don't suppose that even my DSs will be when they grow up.....

yes indeed!

thing is motherhood holds and weilds such power even over adults. thing of your own relationships with your parents as adults. that sometimes these things (sadly) have to be pointed out to the parties concerned.

Haven't read all replies but fancied sticking my oar in. My MIL is ok, annoying and selfish, but on the whole OK.
FIL is a pain in the arse. Him and MIL seperated when DH was 8, and since then he has been using guilt as a way of manipulating OH. DH basicaly feels sorry for FIL, and FIL milks this. We can never see FIL enough, he has no friends and although has a live in partner, the pressure is on as he has no other interests or hobbies apart from DH and our DDs, and DH's brother. He is a truly miserable, negative, depressing individual (I could go on) and I would happily never see him again. However he thinks the world of DDs and I expect they in turn will adore him (no accounting for taste) and really this is all that matters. The important thing is getting the balance right, he can not come to ours every weekend, as he would like, and I feel that every couple of months is (more than) adequate. I know other posters disagree with this, but I do believe our family is what's important now, and there is no place for him within it in the way in which he would like. He is not important, DDs and our new family are what matters now, and FIL has to take a back seat. What's so horrible about that?

Oh well, I'm part of another 'sandwich' generation - I have a mil and a dil, soon to be two dils (if ds ever shifts himself to arrange the wedding, but that's another story!). I get on well with my mil, I think she prefers me to dh. It hasn't always been so but that was way back in the past, PND etc. She's much easier to get on with than my own mum, who would probably have been the mil from hell if any of us had given her the opportunity.

My dil is lovely and her family are super as well, making us all so welcome. Although ds1 lives thousands of miles away we never feel excluded from their lives. The one thing that struck at my very heart once was when I heard ds1 call his mil 'Mum' and it shook me to the core because I am his mum. I spoke to ds about it and he was astonished - because he hadn't said 'Mum' at all, I'd misheard him! He calls his pil's by their first names as dil does with dh and me.

I will be getting another dil later on this year and that relationship will need handling more carefully. But that's down to ds2 rather than my future dil as ds2 has always been a prickly one to deal with. If anything, his wife-to-be makes it easier to get on with him! She is very loving towards us, I think partly because she didn't have a father figure in her life. She even gets on with my mum!

I think rarrie had it spot on when she talks of differing expectations.

In my case, my father's parents weren't interested in me or my brother at all, despite living in the same town. My mum's parents lived 200 miles away and we saw them every Easter, Xmas, birthday, and went on holiday with them. I grew up with the fixed idea that the maternal grandparents were the only ones who mattered. This was compounded when my dad's sister had a baby and the grandparents who couldn't travel 10 minutes to our house could make a 4 hour coach journey once a month to see her. That was my "normal".

DH's 2 brothers were married long before I met him, so the ILs had already established their "norm" of a MIL/DIL relationship with them. I didn't fit the mould.

I expected them to back off and leave us alone. They expected to be involved in every detail of our life and practically moved in when I had our first baby. I wanted them to offer to help- they wanted to be asked. MILs idea of helping is to hold the baby for hours- my idea of her helping is I hold the baby and she does the chores.

It was only when my brother's girlfriend had a baby that it all started to make sense. I did things my mum's way- she did things her mum's way, which seemed totally alien. I watched my mum biting her tongue as SIL did things "wrong".

It's amazing really given the different family dynamics that any MILs and DILs ever get on at all.