7 months pregnant and contemplating leaving my husband...

[Rvrob22]

Hi,

I've never posted before but I'm feeling very low and lonely so hoping for some advice.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and my husband is so angry and hateful towards me all the time I don't know if I should leave him.

We met in Paris a few years ago and immediately fell in love. He was perfect and like the man I'd dreamed of. We quickly married and spent the next 6 months living life like a dream in Paris. We then decided to move back to the UK, he's Tunisian but we spoke French together- he didn't speak English.

3 years later and he still hasn't really bothered to learn English, I guess it's part my fault that I haven't pushed him. He struggled to find a job the first 2 years in the UK but has had a market stall for a year now and he does work very hard for very little financial gain. I'm the main breadwinner and I think for his culture the woman being the breadwinner is a difficult pill to swallow.

Anyway, when we were in our honeymoon period he would frequently talk about how many children he wanted, how he would look after me when I was pregnant, the names, the clothes etc. I think a bit part of the reason I fell so deeply in love with him was I thought he would be an amazing father, my own dad was pretty rubbish.

Now I'm pregnant, and he literally hasn't given a sh*t the whole way through. If I'm tired, got aches and pains etc he doesn't care. He thinks he must be so much more tired as he works longer hours. I also work full time and walk 4 miles round to get to work as he takes the car.

At our 20 week scan, he said it wasn't particularly important so I headed to the hospital by myself in floods of tears. He eventually did show up, and when he learnt it was a boy, showed a slight interest for about half a day.

Yesterday we went to our first NCT Class, he walked out halfway through as he said he couldn't understand it and didn't want to try. I ideally want a natural birth if possible and he wouldn't even listen to the stuff about how a partner can support etc. When they discussed a natural birth he said I should just get a caesarian.

After he left and I embarrassed myself crying in front of my new (and loved up) classmates, I then spent the last half of the class in group discussions, trying to pretend that I wasn't hurt that my husband didn't think it was important and instead had decided to leave to replenish his stock for the market. I could see everyone feeling sorry for me, and even the course leader said I should find a different birth partner.

When I got home in tears, he yelled at me asking why I was crying. I slept in the spare room and today have received a barrage of texts from him while at work saying that all I ever talk about it being pregnant (it really isn't true!) and basically blaming me for everything that could possibly go wrong in his life.

Part of me thinks I should leave him as he clearly doesn't give a cr*p about our son or me, but then the other part of me which loves him thinks he's maybe stressing out and there's too many cultural differences for us to understand exactly how the other is feeling. I just feel so alone throughout this whole pregnancy and I'm terrified about the birth - not giving birth, but just being on my own, or having him there but him not giving a stuff about my comfort.

I just don't know what to do but I am so fed up of his apparent hatred and resentment towards me.

there's cultural difference and then there's being a straight up prick. I think he's the latter. What kind of husband treats his pregnant wife this way?

Get out, you will be happier without him.

Completely agree - this is very like my ex, and it just got worse when our child was born. If you think he's bad now, frankly, you ain't seen nothing yet.

If you're lucky, he'll disappear. It can be more difficult if he insists on a relationship with his son. This is NOT a reason to stay with him. It's an argument for leaving now - you don't want him arguing later on that he did the bulk of the childcare just because he was unemployed while you needed to go back to work.

It sounds as though he may have got married and got you pregnant for the visa, I'm very sorry

Not helpful or true - he was resident in France already so didn't need her for a visa.

My xh got emotionally abusive after our much wanted baby was born. Yours has started already. Part of our issue was him living here for me when he didn't really want to be here. It won't get better - it will only get worse. Let him go back to France, honestly, you'll never be happy otherwise.

Hope you are OK OP!???
You've had some good advice and you know what to do.

I have never posted anything like this or reached out before but I really am in a rut now, please be patient, really hoping someone can help ☹️ I’m currently writing this while crying in bed. I’m 25 & 25 weeks pregnant with my first child with my partner (26) we only met just over 6 months ago but it was instant fairy tale kind of love, I’ve felt more with him than I did in years with past relationships, he was perfect when I first met him, a proper gentleman. When we found out I was pregnant we was both so excited, but the last couple of months have been nothing short of hell. I left my home, my family, my friends, a job I loved to move closer to my partner (he makes the most money in his Job and that was the main reason why he asked me to move down) and that we could focus on building a home for our baby, we found a lovely house but he is the only name on the tenancy and every time we have a fall out he’s quick to remind me of that, pack my things and chuck me out 😣 I come back and sometimes don’t even get an apology, all I want is for us to get along, I’ve put my feelings and needs to one side just to keep that peace with him. He has started drinking a lot with his friends recently after telling me we would not drink throughout this pregnant together, I’ve been fine about this but sometimes I come back from work with him and his friend smoking weed and drinking in the living room and I just feel like he’s taking the mick now and my feelings aren’t even being thought about, I spend most of my days alone in this house (I don’t drive) so can’t really get anywhere, I haven’t got any family or support system down here, I’ve recently started a new Job which I love but no friends there to talk to.. I feel so utterly alone in this relationship and throughout this pregnancy 😞 Every time I try and tell him how I feel he goes so cold, and sometimes doesn’t even talk to me for days. I’ve been thinking for the last couple of weeks to just pack my things up and move away, start a fresh and bring up this baby on my own, I have no money or plan I just need to get out. Nothing can feel lonelier than being in this house with him, I just don’t know where to begin or what to do☹️ A part of me wants to keep trying and make this relationship work but I know in my heart he just doesn’t care about me anymore, every day I feel like I’m losing a part of myself trying to keep this man happy.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. You need to start a new thread to get advice as this is tacked on the end of a very old thread and the only people who will see it are people (like me) who posted on it first time round!

People always underestimate cultural differences. They always come up when honeymoon is over and will get 10 times worse when baby arrives.
You have to be strategic and focus all your energy on your baby and becoming independent .

I am the original poster of this thread so had a notification from you about this. I read your post and felt like I was reading about myself 8 years ago.

As an update to my story, I stayed with my husband for a bit. He was hardly there at my son’s birth and then things went drastically downhill when he was born. I left when my son was 27 days old and it was the hardest thing I ever did but the best thing I ever did. I used Women’s Aid as he was emotionally and financially abusing me. Because he never hit me I never saw it clearly but I’d say it’s highly likely that’s what’s happening with you too.

My son is now 8 and a bright little spark. I was on my own for 2.5 years then met my current husband and have remarried and had a daughter and we are very happy. My ex has limited, supervised contact with my son which is all he wants. I am so much happier without my ex, and my son is so much happier than he would have been if we had remained together. I recently completed the freedom program with the Women’s Centre which I would highly recommend you do, even if you haven’t left your partner, so you can learn about these behaviours he has and enable yourself to be strong enough to get out. I have also had therapy for PTSD relating to the abuse I suffered and to help me move on from everything.

to this day I have never felt as lonely as I did whilst I was heavily pregnant in that relationship. Please reach out to your friends and family, all of mine who I was isolated from have come back to me and support me infinitely. Please feel free to DM me if you want.