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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

7 months pregnant and contemplating leaving my husband...

58 replies

Rvrob22 · 23/09/2016 16:54

Hi,

I've never posted before but I'm feeling very low and lonely so hoping for some advice.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and my husband is so angry and hateful towards me all the time I don't know if I should leave him.

We met in Paris a few years ago and immediately fell in love. He was perfect and like the man I'd dreamed of. We quickly married and spent the next 6 months living life like a dream in Paris. We then decided to move back to the UK, he's Tunisian but we spoke French together- he didn't speak English.

3 years later and he still hasn't really bothered to learn English, I guess it's part my fault that I haven't pushed him. He struggled to find a job the first 2 years in the UK but has had a market stall for a year now and he does work very hard for very little financial gain. I'm the main breadwinner and I think for his culture the woman being the breadwinner is a difficult pill to swallow.

Anyway, when we were in our honeymoon period he would frequently talk about how many children he wanted, how he would look after me when I was pregnant, the names, the clothes etc. I think a bit part of the reason I fell so deeply in love with him was I thought he would be an amazing father, my own dad was pretty rubbish.

Now I'm pregnant, and he literally hasn't given a sh*t the whole way through. If I'm tired, got aches and pains etc he doesn't care. He thinks he must be so much more tired as he works longer hours. I also work full time and walk 4 miles round to get to work as he takes the car.

At our 20 week scan, he said it wasn't particularly important so I headed to the hospital by myself in floods of tears. He eventually did show up, and when he learnt it was a boy, showed a slight interest for about half a day.

Yesterday we went to our first NCT Class, he walked out halfway through as he said he couldn't understand it and didn't want to try. I ideally want a natural birth if possible and he wouldn't even listen to the stuff about how a partner can support etc. When they discussed a natural birth he said I should just get a caesarian.

After he left and I embarrassed myself crying in front of my new (and loved up) classmates, I then spent the last half of the class in group discussions, trying to pretend that I wasn't hurt that my husband didn't think it was important and instead had decided to leave to replenish his stock for the market. I could see everyone feeling sorry for me, and even the course leader said I should find a different birth partner.

When I got home in tears, he yelled at me asking why I was crying. I slept in the spare room and today have received a barrage of texts from him while at work saying that all I ever talk about it being pregnant (it really isn't true!) and basically blaming me for everything that could possibly go wrong in his life.

Part of me thinks I should leave him as he clearly doesn't give a cr*p about our son or me, but then the other part of me which loves him thinks he's maybe stressing out and there's too many cultural differences for us to understand exactly how the other is feeling. I just feel so alone throughout this whole pregnancy and I'm terrified about the birth - not giving birth, but just being on my own, or having him there but him not giving a stuff about my comfort.

I just don't know what to do but I am so fed up of his apparent hatred and resentment towards me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/09/2016 12:01

Go live in Tunisia with this bloke ?

no no no no NO

SleepingTiger · 24/09/2016 12:04

That's exactly my point Imperial and AF !!!

Get rid of this man child before his culture catches on. It can. It does. Its a pretty horrific thing for a woman to go through.

LineyReborn · 24/09/2016 12:10

I wouldn't let him take your baby to Tunisia. I wouldn't go there with your baby. I'd think about what the put on the birth certificate, tbh. And I'd leave him before the birth.

SleepingTiger · 24/09/2016 12:11

Exactly.

LineyReborn · 24/09/2016 12:11

what to put

AnyFucker · 24/09/2016 12:11

Ah, I get it ST

It did look like you were suggesting she try living in Tunisia though, at first glance

SleepingTiger · 24/09/2016 12:16

Oh, sorry. Yes, I see that also now.

My post may be a bit dramatic, but from my life experiences even a small crack in the door can be slammed wide open. He would be able to resolve all his weaknesses by dragging his family to Tunisia.

Ohb0llocks · 24/09/2016 12:29

LTB, fast.

And be wary whst you put on that birth certificate.

MotherDuckSaid · 24/09/2016 12:42

If uve got family / friends around u id get out now whilst u still hv the energy before baby arrives. Surround urself with better pple. Dnt let him ruin the first precious months with ur baby as well as ur pregnancy x
Good luck

hermione2016 · 24/09/2016 13:10

How awful for you.I'm just leaving a similar situation and agree it doesn't get better only worse.The good times are not as good and the bad times worse.

At times you qyestion what happened, you look for rational reasons, such as job stresses, but the reality is stresses can make a person feel irritable but not nasty.

He has choose to be hurtful to you, he could have choose to stay in the nct group So what if he didn't understand it, he could have smiled and held your hand.It was only a few hours of his life but important to you.
It's hard not too feel rejection but it isn't you.You haven't caused this.He has revealed his true self which you would have run from at the beginning.

Do you have family here?

EmeraldIsle100 · 24/09/2016 13:13

Just posting to say the same, end this relationship now. You probably feel very vulnerable and scared about going it alone when you are pregnant with your first baby. Take it from me and lots of women on MN you can do this on your own and you will be so so much better off without him.

I had 2 children with my EXH. He ruined the first pregnancy and birth by being a self obsessed wanker. Don't even ask why I got pregnant again, I was young and thought I could make a dreadful marriage better. I left him when 3 months pregnant with my second and although I was anxious I was glad to be without him and got great comfort from being pregnant with a new baby. When I took the baby home from hospital I was delighted to be home in a house where my EXH had never lived. It was a lovely time.

Don't let that ae wreck this time for you. You can do this on your own. Best wishes, enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby.

Nanny0gg · 24/09/2016 16:23

They're married. So is there a choice about what goes on the birth certificate?

MrsChrisPratt · 24/09/2016 16:33

This is really sad and not normal at all. I'm pregnant and my DH has also changed. We've had a lot of difficulty getting pregnant and the procedures we took to get here have caused me a lot of health problems, so not directly comparable but the changes I've seen are DH becoming less selfish, putting me first more- doing the driving, carrying the shopping, taking over household tasks that tire me out or make me ill, cooking when I can't even though it's really my turn, sleeping in the spare room when I've been really sick, supporting me emotionally when I need it. I'm pretty sure this is how it should be. Don't sell yourself short and surrender yourself to a lifetime of this, you are worth more.

seven201 · 24/09/2016 16:43

From the little snapshot you've given us I'd say you'd be better off without him. Have you got family nearby? I'm so sorry you're having to go through this shit. I personally feel if you stayed with him now you'd only regret it later on. Maybe a split would give him a bit of a wake up call and he'll sort himself out, but at the moment he sounds like a hindrance not any help. And humiliating your at the NCT class then being in a hump when you came back upset is disgusting behaviour. Don't feel embarrassed though; it's his fault not yours.

Cherrysoup · 24/09/2016 20:59

Please don't move to Tunisia, there's a reason he moved to France and that's because Tunisia is not currently a brilliant place to live. As a westerner, you know it would be hard to adapt to living there and you would be treated as a second class citizen being female.

Write a list of pros and cons: if you left, would you be better off financially, emotionally? Don't stay because of the baby, leave because of the baby.

Original poster

Rvrob22 · 24/09/2016 21:18

Thank you for all your supportive and kind messages. I think I am going to have to try and go it alone for the sake of my baby. Luckily my parents don't live far away so I could be ok financially etc and with somewhere to live. I did write a list of pros and cons and it's pretty clear there's not many cons to leaving him. Hes emotionally abusing me and I can't let him drag me down.

The only thing is I'm terrified he'll take the baby from me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/09/2016 22:02

He can't "take the baby from you"

Do you mean kidnap the baby ? If you think him capable of that, then inform the police.

PricklyHodgeheg · 24/09/2016 22:47

Yes, he is emotionally abusing you. Please tell your midwife about the situation, she will be able to provide advice and support. It sound like you don't want him at the birth (don't blame you!) so make it clear on your birth plan that you don't want him there. Decide whether or not he can visit you at the hospital after the birth, then let your friends and family know so that they can support you.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2016 00:37

He can't take the baby from you.

At his current rate of care and involvement it seems unlikely he'll be in the least bothered when the baby is actually here.

Atenco · 25/09/2016 03:52

Oh I am so glad, OP. I don't think it is a cultural difference, frankly. The North Africans that I have known adore children. But it is so much better to have a baby alone than to have to deal with such treatment at the same time. I left my ex before I knew I was pregnant and really enjoyed my baby.

user1471519931 · 25/09/2016 04:52

Hello, I have a Tunisian ex and we also spoke French together. I also earned far more than him. In the beginning he was so warm, loving, caring, but all that quickly evaporated when things got serious. I have zero regrets about no longer being with him, he turned out to be a complete narcissist. LTB and enjoy your baby without him ruining the experience for you as he will make it all about him.

SmallBee · 25/09/2016 06:03

I don't have any better advice than you've already received, expect to say that please make sure you get all your ducks in a row and do the actual leaving before your son is born. You will want to give him all your attention once he is here so make sure you can. Get legal advice regarding the split, especially if you own your home and don't refuse any offers of help from your family and friends.
Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

seven201 · 25/09/2016 06:11

I agree, talk to your midwife. They'll be able to point you in the right direction for help. Why do you think he'll take the baby? If you really think that then maybe ask the police for advice or women's aid perhaps? Continue to be strong. You are doing the right thing for your baby and for you.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/09/2016 06:44

It sounds as though he may have got married and got you pregnant for the visa, I'm very sorry. Definitely ditch him asap and don't go to Tunisia or let him take your child there. Remember the only rights are your son's. As the father, he has only responsibilities.

Hissy · 26/09/2016 16:24

My ex had a visa, passport and citizen ship. He was an utter wanker the minute we set foot him his godforsaken land.

It's not about visa, its societal, that's what (regardless of religion) people like these think relationships are all about.
They don't have the emotional intelligence to change it.

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