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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So where now

38 replies

SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 22:18

Clearly I've name changed :)

I've been here before. Dh has issues with alcohol. He's probably an alcoholic (but a very functional one). I love him. He's a great guy but he drinks to cope with his anxiety.

I thought we were getting there and we were past it all. We went out tonight. I've matched him drink for drink. I'm not claiming to be sober but I'm typing in coherent sentences (I hope). He's completely and utterly plastered. Clearly he's been drinking on top of what I've seen but when challenged he claims not.

I don't know what I do now. He's a "great dad" (but honestly if we went for custody he probably spends more time with the kids than I do and I am not any better a parent). I love him but I can't deal with the deceit. It's not that being this drunk is an issue, it's that being this drunk but lying to my face about whether or not he's drunk more than I've seen is an issue. It's the randomness, I think everything's ok and then something hits me out of the blue.

Long term I probably know what I need to do. It's his choice and he's made it. But how do I do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 22:20

Oh and please don't shout too much. I've been there before and it doesn't help.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 21/09/2016 22:24

Could he be topping up from last night, whereas you may have a 'clean sheet'?

Justaboy · 21/09/2016 22:29

What he should be doing is to go to AA and stand up there and say something along the lines of I recognise i am an alcoholic and seek help to get off the bottle!.

Taking him out for a drinking contest probably isnt quite the way to help him;!

Helping him to seek treatment is most like to do him and you and the children much more good longer term. OK its not easy but .

And asking him to see his GP for the anxiety would help too, that may make him realise he does have an addiction problem.

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 22:30

He could easily be topping up from last night but I suspect he has a bottle of something hidden somewhere and had a few drinks before we went out in the first place. I don't think he was away from me enough tonight to have been drinking in secret whilst we were out. I've found bottles hidden before. As I said, he has issues with alcohol (whether it's alcoholism or self-medication isn't really material to be honest). Fact is he has alcohol from somewhere he's not admitting. And the lies are the issue. The alcohol we can deal with together if he's honest about it but he's not.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 22:35

I didn't take him out for a drinking contest by any means, it was a pre-planned friend's party. He's been to AA. He hates AA and to be honest I don't have a lot of faith in AA for people who use alcohol as a crutch. He needs to solve his anxiety issues. He knows this, I know this. I think it's working and then it all blows up in my face. Objectively (and ignoring the fact I love him), if I leave (with the kids because it's not happening without) then I know he will descend into hell. Life's not bad! I don't know whether it's worth putting my kids though it to avoid this situation whereby every six months or so my life comes crashing down because I find out about some major lie.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 21/09/2016 22:38

You sound like a very understanding partner. I suppose the next step is to confront about the lying, but lying seems to be part of the disease. I second the GP route firstly.

Justaboy · 21/09/2016 22:40

SeriouslyIneedtonamechange Right is there anyone else in the medical profession who can help him at all that you've asked him to contact?.

Seems he doesn't want to realise he has a problem if he can't stand the AA meetings. And until he can see that this isn't going to end that well until he does:(

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 22:47

We've been there on the lying. He knows that the lying is the big deal to me. It doesn't change anything (we're about six years into this).We've been there on the doctors. I know in my heart this is him and he's always going to have this issue. It's a question on whether it's something I accept as being part of him or whether I leave.

But I don't think I can do this. There are additional complications (logistics wise), but at the end of the day they're surmountable, I love him. The kids love him. He loves them and me. It's just he's broken. And me leaving with the kids would break him further.

To put it in perspective, last time I was in this state and thinking like this was about a year ago. So we're talking about once a year this seriously impacts on my life (although of course I don't know for certain whether he's drinking (and diving) in the meantime, and I know he wouldn't be honest about it).

OP posts:
Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 22:49

Sorry, cross post. I don't blame him for not liking AA. I do think if he seriously admitted it was a problem he'd be having therapy in some way but he's resistant. In my heart of hearts I know that means he doesn't care "enough" about his family to try to resolve it. But again. every marriage has it's ups and downs...

OP posts:
Justaboy · 21/09/2016 23:09

Your right he does need to admit to himself that there is a problem and the pop is the problem and his attitude to it. I reckon that your a fantastic support to him a lot would have cleared off by now.

I presume you meant drinking and driving?, its a bloody wonder he hasn't been done for that. As bad as that is he needs a wake up call of some sort.

I do wonder if there's any possible way of addressing his anxiety problem that might just shift him away from the drink?.

OK easier said than done.

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 23:17

Thanks. There should be a way of addressing the anxiety problem but he isn't. I suspect there's something hidden in his past that he's not admitting to himself that is underlying this and he doesn't want to face it.

We're not in the UK (which is the complicating factor to any break up because who stays and who goes), People drive drunk here all the time so unless he caused an accident it wouldn't be picked up. I have no reason to believe he's drinking and driving (the kids, which is what I care about) except that I don't trust he'd be honest if I asked him to drive and he had had a drink. I might just stop it entirely but then again, that's just enabling him. It's another short term solution.

The vast majority of the time I'm really happy but then it all comes crashing down.

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Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 21/09/2016 23:20

Anyway thanks for listening. I'm off to bed because I have work in not that many hours.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 21/09/2016 23:21

No problem, just saddened by it seems there's no easy or probable answer:(

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 22/09/2016 04:53

Ah feck. A small part of me that was hoping I'd got it wrong. The strained silence this morning says I didn't. Normally what would happen now is I'd reach out to him to talk and work out what we're going to do. I need him to be the one to make the first move this time and I'm not sure he's going to.

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seefeld · 22/09/2016 06:37

Have you tried AlAnon (for families of alcoholics)? It would help you deal with your own feelings about his drinking. Unfortunately if he is an alcoholic, and it does sound like he is sadly, there's nothing you can do to stop him drinking. The only thing you can do is help yourself and your kids.

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 22/09/2016 08:41

I haven't tried Al Anon but I've met a lot of people who used to go to Al Anon and I didn't feel it would be a good support group for me for various reasons (although I appreciate that every group has a different vibe). It's a bit immaterial anyway as we've moved and there isn't one less than a two hour drive away. There is AA here. One of the issues is AA here is very religious and DH is atheist so struggles with that element of the group (but it may just be an excuse).

I know that he's an alcoholic and he needs to stop drinking but to effectively do that he needs to deal with the reason he's drinking (which AA won't help him with). The occasional drink on a special occasion just ends up escalating to drinking more and more often. I'm not anti him going to AA it's just he needs more than just AA.

I think what I'm struggling with is IF he doesn't come home tonight having had a proper think and having an idea of the steps he can take to address his issues, THEN what do I do? It's a message that this is more powerful than his relationship with me and the DC. I understand that. But is it a big enough thing to leave over? We are generally very happy, there's just a blow up once or twice a year. I imagine most couples have a blow up at least once or twice a year over something.

I have a friend IRL who knows what's going on but I'm reluctant to speak to her because her own relationship is abusive (as was her childhood) and she doesn't have a real idea of what a 'normal' relationship is. She would advise not to leave. I know that.

Mainly using this as a forum to vent and try and get my head around what I should do, hope that's ok.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2016 08:51

You vent away. That is exactly what this forum is all about.
I've no suggestions to be honest.
It's not something I've faced.
Although, I've not had a 'big blow up' with my DP in 3 years so having one every 6 months would not be normal for me.
Take care of yourself.
I hope he comes around soon to finding a solution for himself.

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 22/09/2016 11:33

Actually that's really helpful perspective. It's hard to know what's 'normal'.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 22/09/2016 11:41

No we don't have a blow up once or twice a year either, I'm afraid.

I wouldn't find that easy to live with. Cos you're always wondering if this is going to be the occasion where it happens again.

I had a friend like this. She would always be inexplicably more drunk than us. Turns out when it was her turn at the bar she'd be buying us singles but buying herself doubles - or a double + extra single which she would dump in as it was too embarrassing to ask for a triple. Also every time she went to the toilet she would have a surreptitious double at the back bar, out of sight. There are a lot of ways of doing it.

Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 22/09/2016 11:45

Thanks. It might be he was doing that although there wouldn't have been a need if you see what I mean. I think it's more likely he'd had some drinks secretly before we went. Which again wouldn't have been an issue except that he hid it. Big talk tonight I think.

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Original poster
SeriouslyIneedtonamechange · 22/09/2016 14:48

So we talked. He says he know he has problems. He denies he was drinking alcohol and hiding it from me but I said, whether or not he was last night, he does do it and I can't live like this. He says we do matter enough to him (although I don't know if that is the case in reality). I'm not sure how much is him saying what I want to hear. He's going to AA tonight. One day at a time.

Annoyingly tonight's AA meeting is 11th step which is really not the best one to start him off on given his issues with AA and religion (11th step is about prayer and meditation). Oh well, one day at a time.

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seefeld · 22/09/2016 16:56

That's brilliant news about him going to AA. It's a myth it's about religion. Yes, members are supposed to believe in a power higher than them, but if you don't believe in God your higher power can be your support group.

More info here: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/Professionals/Frequently-asked-Questions

Justaboy · 22/09/2016 16:59

Bloody religion!, just as bad as drinking;!.

Anyway at least he's going, why ever is it tied up with a religious group that's weird?.

You did say that your external to the UK any hope that he might change his ways back here in blighty?. Or would you be making your way back here if you did split up?.

adora1 · 22/09/2016 17:43

Hate to be negative but you need full reality here, no point in him going to AA because he's been pushed into it, he needs to want to give up and it sounds like he is nowhere near that, tbh OP, I'd tell him to go and come back when he's actually ready to stop lying and wants to do something about this otherwise the next however years will be like groundhog day for you....it's not your job to either fix or understand why he does it, he needs to do all the work HIMSELF and it's not looking like he is ready.

Sometimes a reality shock can help.

Sherlock35 · 22/09/2016 17:49

I don't know about AA but would you be able to find a counsellor or therapist who deals with anxiety and alcohol issues? It sounds like he needs a neutral professional to talk through some issues with. Maybe even uncover what, if any, the root causes are behind this?

Good luck, OP. You seem like a very nice, considerate, kind person and I hope this works out for you and your family