"It's just the way I talk"

[Ellarose85]

My DH is brilliant in most ways, we've had our ups and downs but we are on track and have a lovely family but what is really gripping my shit is the way he talks to me.

He talks me like crap sometimes, it's the way he says things which he could do in a much nicer way. His dad does exactly the same to his mum so I'm guessing that he's grown up with it and thinks nothing of speaking to me like it too. The difference being that I won't put up with it. When I mention it to him he just says "it's the way I talk" to which my response is "it wasn't when we first got together because if it was, I doubt I would've stuck around". He just says I'm hormonal

It's causing real tension at times in our relationship, I'm very defensive when he does speak to me badly and now just take myself off to bed.

He genuinely doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and I believe him when he says he doesn't mean to upset me but I bloody hate it and I don't want my DS thinking it's okay to speak to women that way or my DD thinking it's okay to be spoken to this way.

I don't want to hear LTB please but would like some advice.

I'm thinking of suggesting couples counselling so that he can hear from someone else that it's not acceptable to speak to people (it's not just me that he does it to) the way he does as he thinks it only bothers me around my time of the month so therefore it's my issue.

hillfarmer to be honest, I can't remember what was said exactly, something inside me snapped and I had to go upstairs because I was so upset. I was in a really good mood beforehand too.

Like PP have said, it's hurtful that he knows that it upsets me but chooses to do nothing about his behaviour.

We have been together for 4 years but known each other for much longer. Married for one year. We also have two children under two which we cope with very well and don't find as stressful as everyone thinks it is - which is one reason why I want to work through this, we are a good team, support each other etc he just needs to change the way he talks to me at times.

Didn't want to read and run but putting up with the same for the past 12 years has taken its toll. I don't know the person I used to be but I know I deserve better. I feel constantly put down and never good enough.

I won't say LTB because only you know your home life, but he needs help or you need to act before you get into the position I am.

You may support him but he does not support you. You are not a team; its all about him.

I also doubt very much whether he will agree to any form of counselling and infact you should go on your own rather than go with him. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you anyway given his verbal abuse of you.

Sorry - I was pressing you for details that are probably irrelevant. The precise content and manner of delivery of his comments aren't necessary.
The main point is the effect they have on you. He can upset you at the drop of a few sharp words and take you from a good mood to devastated in seconds. This is what matters OP.

He is flexing his muscles. He is punishing you. When he speaks to you like that he is punishing you for stepping out of line. He is making sure that you change your behaviour because you are afraid of this 'punishment'. He finds it very easy to ruin your mood and your day. It's a weapon and he's not showing any sign that he wants to put it down, even after you have strenuously pointed out to him that he is out of order and hurting your feelings.

Sure, it is very tempting to say 'he just needs to change the way he talks to me at times'. It's the 'just' in that sentence that sends shivers down my spine. There's no 'just' about it! That is the really tough thing to get your head around...the way he talks to you 'sometimes' is indicative of his whole attitude towards you. He may be fine most of the time, when everything is going his way. However the test of a person is their approach when things are not going their way - is he still considerate, kind and understanding towards you even when you inadvertently do something he doesn't like i.e.chuck a tomato that he had his heart set on?

You know this is a wider problem than just the odd isolated incident. You know these incidents are an ominous sign. You would not have started a thread unless your gut was uneasy.

I don't want to depress you, but I think you really need to make hard decisions about what you need to do. Are you prepared to make an ultimatum? Are you prepared to hold him to this? How do you respond if he continues to smear you with the 'hormonal' accusation? How will you respond if he refuses to engage with the idea that your marriage is in trouble if he cannot address the problem you have outlined very clearly to him? You need to lob the ball firmly in his court, as PPs have suggested, you have to make it clear that it is absolutely his choice to endanger your marriage by continuing to treat you with contempt. Because if he fails to address your concerns, then he is treating you and his marriage with contempt.

I hope he does change his behaviour OP. But I think the likelihood is that he won't go anywhere near it, and will fail even to engage with your concerns. It that's the case, it would be useful to you to have a think about your action plan for that eventuality.

As others have said, you shouldn't have to persuade your partner to be kind to you.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing here by escalating.You'll save yourself years of pain this way.

Hopefull he will stop being a dick and take you seriously because failing to change his behaviour is the most painful option for him (by your increasingly unignorable reaction).

I've gone nuclear on DH a few times in our 20yr marriage over stuff like this. I was hardcore zero tolerance on certain things he tended towards learned from his DF like patronising and micromanaging (terrible mansplainer if not kicked metaphorically in the nuts). He learned. He didn't realise he was being shit and even when I told him, he didn't believe it because it was what he grew up with and viewed as normal. Zero tolerance from me made him quickly decide to adapt in favour of "happy wife happy life".

Funnily enough he now finds his DB and DF's mansplaining appalling and mocks them far worse than I ever would.

Hopefully your DH is similar.

If it turns out that he is a garden variety bully instead though, I'm sure you'll work it out soon enough as a result of this exercise and LTB.

KOKO.