I'm drowning. Childhood DV coming back. Help.

[Rockfuckingbottom]

I'm a long time lurker but in the heat of this moment I've signed up. At my rock bottom.

DF died when I was a young child. DM remarried when I was in my early teens. He's not a nice person. I spent years hiding from the violence and trying to make DM leave but she never would. He was violent towards me when I tried to stop him beating her from pillar to post and my adolescence was sheer hell. I've never recovered and I don't think I ever will.

I left at 18. DM wouldn't leave and he'd apparently quietened down so we were very low contact for 10 years. I gave birth to my first DD three months ago so I've been trying to make an effort and it's been strained but OK. DM visits me and DD, I visit the two of them once a week. Made it clear that she was not to be exposed to ea or dv.

Today. Shit. I came to visit them with DD. He was quiet and stroppy all day. All of a sudden he grabbed here by the hair and dragged her across the room. I was stuck standing there with my tiny baby and so fucking helpless. Called DH to take the baby which he did very quickly, he left work to pick her up. She's now safe at home with him.

DM won't leave the house. Her H won't either. He's upstairs throwing things. DM will not let me call the police. Physically won't let me. This is how things used to be except now I'm in my 30s and I have a baby waiting at home for me so what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have no option. If I leave here and he kills her I will forever be responsible. He won't leave and she won't come with me.

Someone please help me breathe. I can't breathe.

You did the right thing, you really really did.

Thanks. I'm watching DD sleep and I can't ever imagine putting her through anything like this. I'm sure he'll be back soon and she'll pretend it's all OK.

If anything today has reinforced how screwed up my childhood was. It's made me even more determined to break the cycle and protect DD. I'll check out the thread tomorrow.

OP am so upset for you- you must be feeling like that young child who is not being made a priority or protected by your 'D'M. I hope that you get some sleep and that she is strong enough to leave him.

I don't think she will leave him. And I don't think the OP can influence it either way. The best she can do is step back and protect herself.

You say you have no other family - you have a brother, a husband and a child. That man could have killed you - you should have got out. Your duty now is to your child. Can't you see that?

Blether - you put it in pretty hair-raising my harsh terms but yep, you're spot on.

OP, so garden your resolve that your DD will never experience what you did. But please think extremely carefully about your relationship and meeting up with your DM from here on in, lest you involuntarily expose your DD to the violence that ripped your childhood apart.

You are not your DMs keeper. I hope you realise that from here on in DD must now always come first.

I send you my best x

"So garden"....no, do harden your resolve x

OP, your mother wouldn't listen to you and leave, I doubt she ever will. As a result of trying to help her you put your husband in a similar position. You said he collected your daughter and tried to make you leave with him, but you refused. He therefore had to leave you in a dangerous situation.

Personally I would tell your mother that if you decide she can visit you again, it will be at your home, and he is not welcome - ever. If she chooses him - again - so be it.

You can't help some people, even if they are your own flesh and blood. She's made her choice, you are perfectly entitled to make yours.

I'm so sorry that you went through all that trauma as a young person and now had it all awakened again
Expect to feel dreadful for a while whilst you process how horrible a situation you were placed in again. That is normal.

Your mum can only be supported to make the right choices for her and hope that one day that results in her leaving him
She needs to know she has some support or that can never happen
That does NOT mean that you should ever put yourself or your baby in harms way again.
See your mum by all means but please never be in his company again - no matter what the assurances. You will never know how dangerous he will be and because of that you need to be 100% nc with that dangerous abuser every time.
You have a responsibility to yourself and your child to stay in a physically and emotionally safe place
I can really recommend therapy to help with your past and reoccurring issues - it has greatly helped me make sense of my past.

OP, your mother wouldn't listen to you and leave, I doubt she ever will. As a result of trying to help her you put your husband in a similar position. You said he collected your daughter and tried to make you leave with him, but you refused. He therefore had to leave you in a dangerous situation.

RFB if you take anything away from this thread, please let it be this.

You were assigned your role in their sordid dramas a long time ago, and in some small way you misguidedly slipped straight back into that role again yesterday. It's part of a classic script between abusers, the abused and the children around them who witness it.

You didn't react immediately by calling the police and/or leaving and doing your best to take your mother with you, because you became that child again, who wasn't sure whether you could, or should, or whether your mother would be angry with you for overstepping the mark.

Okay you couldn't force her to leave, but you dutifully played your role as the drama unfolded; that of helpless teenager who can't stop it or control it or even do much to protect her, but who can't walk away either, out of solidarity to your mum. You got your daughter out but inexplicably you felt that it was somehow your pre-ordained role to have to stay behind and be traumatised all over again as you watched your mother LET HERSELF be used as a punchbag when she had every chance to accept your help and get out of there.

Ask yourself why you did this? Your mum didn't show much solidarity to you when you were forced to grow up in that toxic, violent environment and she clearly doesn't appreciate your support now. If she's wasted the best years of her life thinking that this is a relationship worth holding on to then she's not going to see sense now, when she's staring down the barrel of old age.

You can't protect her, and besides it's not your responsibility to do that but you can and must protect yourself, not just from physical harm but more importantly from the continued emotional trauma.

by 'this' I meant the quote from nicenewdusters, not what I said below it, all that as well.

What a shitstorm
I can't believe your husband didn't call the police immediately. Why not? And why didn't you call them sooner regardless of what your mum wished?
You and your mum have been conditioned by years of his abuse but you need to climb out of that hole they put you in and be the adult.
Yes your mum may not forgive you but what's the alternative? You keep visiting there and keep putting your baby at risk? No. You have taken a stand and done the right thing and your mum can either forgive you or not but you had no other choice.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can understand how you slipped into the role again. That's what we do with our parents. Please stop trying to rescue your DM. Well done for calling police, but like PPs say; you can't do it all. q

Your mum is addicted to him.

So, rather like an alcoholic with the bottle, she will not give it /him up.

And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about that.

He comes FIRST because he is her drug of choice. As you have seen, she put him first throughout your childhood.

I'm so so sorry you had such a hellish time

Sorry you had to deal with this OP.

I had a similar childhood. Very similar.

Mum ended up leaving us and several years later found a new husband who treated her in exactly the same way. I have two DCs and made the choice that I was never ever going to let them see what I saw.

I used to take them around but I felt so tense and expected him to lash out. However I did walk out once when he had a temper (DCs weren't there) and I think he then realised that I wouldn't put up with it.

I then made a call to mum and said I wasn't bringing the DCs over because of him. She tried to minimise it but I found it too stressful.

I've not seen her for 2 years now. I've come to the view that she's made the choice to stay with him and it is not for me to try and protect her. It has been hard and painful, taking many years to get here but I feel so much lighter for it now.

Dear OP
I am so, so sorry this is happening and has happened to you.
You must call the police. I say this from the bottom of my heart because I lost a family member in a DV murder 6 years ago (she was late 60s).
Your baby needs you and that is your primary responsibility YOU MUST KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. Your mum needs the police involved ASAP even though she is terrified and in the short term she may hate you for it. Your mum's H is seriously ill (mentally/socially whatever) and needs help/restraining/to be AWAY from your mum.
You are going to have to summon up your greatest courage and strength to do what you know needs to be done.
You CAN do this and you must do it.
You can get your DH to phone police but you want them to be involved now while everyone is still alive rather than later when that may not be the case.
I'm sorry if this sounds melodramatic, but too many women die in these cases every year and our family are still dealing with the grief and pain and will have to deal with it for the rest of our lives.
Please be strong, please be safe. The only hope for change is to get the police involved now.
With sincere hope for your family.

RFB
I replied before I read the whole thread. You did the right thing calling the police & protecting your precious baby.
Please can you call women's aid and get yourself some support from people who are in a similar position? If you are strong, supported and together you will be in the best position to be a brilliant mother for your girl and daughter for your mum (as well as being the best version of yourself you can be for your life & your future). You are going through PND & post traumatic stress & that is a total headF. You sound like a bloody strong and wonderful woman. Dealing with this experience will make you stronger and more bloody wonderful. But you need support. Proper empowering professional support. You are also an ongoing victim of domestic violence, not just your mum.

Your baby is a lucky lucky girl.
You are not alone.
Women's aid helpline DV 0808 2000 247.
Online DV support at https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

Thank you all so much. I've spoken to DM today and predictably she's choosing him. I've told her she can come here to visit me but he's not welcome. I won't ever have my daughter around him. No idea what's happening with the police involvement.

Feeling slightly stronger today. Trying to get back to being in my 30s instead of feeling like a screwed up teenager.

She's made her choice and has to live (or not) with it. I would forget about the police - they will be in touch with you as a witness, I guess if they decide to go ahead and prosecute despite her protestations.

I'd also tell her you won't be discussing the incident with her, or anything to do with him. Shut down the guilt trip before it starts about how wrong it is to deny him access to your dd, etc.

I would also look for some specific counselling to deal with your reaction. I think your instinct should have been to have left with the baby, rather than wait for your DH to arrive, even if you didn't feel in immediate danger. I think the reason you didn't is because you are still enmeshed in the guilt and psychodrama of your abusive childhood. This is hardly surprising but you do now need to find a way to detach.

OP:
Contact the police.

No, don't "forget" the police. This is a police matter.

Poppy RTFT! The OP contacted the police yesterday. As tripbot well knows, which is why she has said to forget it now. They will be in touch if they need more info.

OP, glad you're feeling a bit better today, and that you were able to be assertive with your mum. It must be so painful to see somebody making such a dreadful choice, at the expense of all of you. But you have made a sensible and brave one, and your daughter will never have to witness what you have.

I hope your therapy continues to be helpful, you deserve a peaceful and happy future with your own family.

RFB
We all have our teenage moments. We all HATE ourselves for caving and going back there.
The truth is we are dealing with stuff.
And it takes time and a lot of self forgiveness and care to deal with it.
You can't reprogram your neurological fight or flight mechanism overnight, you go back to what you know and what you've done before. The first step is recognising that's what you're doing and you've already taken that step. Hugs hugs and much love