I'm drowning. Childhood DV coming back. Help.

[Rockfuckingbottom]

I'm a long time lurker but in the heat of this moment I've signed up. At my rock bottom.

DF died when I was a young child. DM remarried when I was in my early teens. He's not a nice person. I spent years hiding from the violence and trying to make DM leave but she never would. He was violent towards me when I tried to stop him beating her from pillar to post and my adolescence was sheer hell. I've never recovered and I don't think I ever will.

I left at 18. DM wouldn't leave and he'd apparently quietened down so we were very low contact for 10 years. I gave birth to my first DD three months ago so I've been trying to make an effort and it's been strained but OK. DM visits me and DD, I visit the two of them once a week. Made it clear that she was not to be exposed to ea or dv.

Today. Shit. I came to visit them with DD. He was quiet and stroppy all day. All of a sudden he grabbed here by the hair and dragged her across the room. I was stuck standing there with my tiny baby and so fucking helpless. Called DH to take the baby which he did very quickly, he left work to pick her up. She's now safe at home with him.

DM won't leave the house. Her H won't either. He's upstairs throwing things. DM will not let me call the police. Physically won't let me. This is how things used to be except now I'm in my 30s and I have a baby waiting at home for me so what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have no option. If I leave here and he kills her I will forever be responsible. He won't leave and she won't come with me.

Someone please help me breathe. I can't breathe.

Honestly what fucking planet are you on? What on earth makes you think that the OP should invite this violent, abusive piece of shit into her home? With her baby in it? A man who abused her when she was a child?

I am just at the insanity of that suggestion.

For fucks sake just call the police and worry about what your mother will say afterwards. At this rate someone is going to end up very badly injured, there will be a massive fight, your brother could get into trouble and one of the neighbours is going to call the police anyway so what do you have to lose?

Just do it. And never ever go into that house with your daughter again while that pig is still under its roof.

You can beg your mum to see sense but in the end if she won't help herself by leaving him there is nothing you can do for her. At least if you call the police you know there's a chance he might be dealt with and if your mother refuses to give evidence against him the you can.

Well done for calling. I hope you are ok op. Stay strong and let them deal with him.

I'm glad you've called the police but absolutely do not let your step-father know they are on the way.

I'm not completely sure why your DH would have come and removed a child from a violent situation and then left his wife there and not called the police immediately upon departure - but I'm assuming it's because you told him not to/that you could handle it/that it would only make it worse for your mum, i.e. the usual things that the victims of abuse say and think that makes it possible for them to act against their own best interests.

She's hardly the only family you have - you have your own family and there's your DB as well, or has he been NC with you as well as his mum? (I can quite well see why he's been NC with her given her behaviour today). I suspect it's more the case that she has been guilting you by saying you're all the family she has?

Stay strong - and get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. Never go back.

I called,briefly. They are on their way. I'm back in the house and H is upstairs. He doesn't know.

DB was NC with everyone really. Difficult relationship.and DH tried to take me with him but you're right, I wouldn't go.

If this man is as violent as you say, I think you need to remember that you need to protect yourself as much as you do your daughter - she needs you to be safe. It would be awful if, in protecting your mother, you were seriously injured by your stepfather. You have responsibilities beyond your mother now. And if she were to come to harm, it is her abuser's responsibility - not yours!

My only concern was getting DH to take DD safely home so she doesn't ever have to suffer like I did.

Hope it can be sorted but I'm sorry to say that she is the only one who can leave. You can encourage her and offer her somewhere to go but you cannot make her leave. You can choose to leave yourself though and I suggest you do. Give statements to the police and let them deal. You need to stay safe for you or child now. You have done all you can.

This might sound cruel but I really don't mean it to be. Your mother is a victim, but she prioritised him over you and there was nothing you could do. You can, however, stop her prioritising him over her granddaughter.

i'm sorry that you are going through this

As he gets older the violent piece of shit may get worse as his brain function and impulse control deteriorates

He's leaving before they arrive. I lost it which I'm not proud of. Screaming on the drive. Sure ask the neighbours heard. So he's going.

Now I'm the enemy for losing it. DM says I've ruined her life. Waiting for the police.

No you have not ruined her life
You tried to save her, she chose to stay
Its very fucked up but not your fault

Your mother is an idiot.

Is he likely to just let himself back in later, when things have calmed down? And of course she will let him.

I think there is nothing you can do here except tell your mother that from now on, you and your DD will only ever see her at your house or out at a neutral meeting place without him and that you will never allow your DD to be alone with her because you can't trust her to keep away from him.

You can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped.

He'll come back. He has his keys. I'll stay to speak to the police then I have a friend coming to collect me and take me home. She's never going to leave him.

Be very clear RFB - he is at fault. HE is at fault. Not you. You did the right thing. You even had the presence of mind to get your daughter out of the way. You had the bravery to stay to try and help your mother. YOU were brave.
He is leaving. Let him. The police will follow it up. Others have said it and I'm just going to repeat it. You cannot make your mother leave. You can try but ultimately it's her choice. You have not ruined her life. That spineless piece of dog shit has.

You poor thing
Who wouldn't lose it in a situation with that
Look after your own best interests
You tried but if she won't be helped you mustn't let her cause you any further harm

The police may be able to persuade her to give a statement, OP. In my experience people don't listen to their children, even when they're adults. Try to remain calm, don't exaggerate what happened but give a full account of what you saw and how he behaved. Ignore your mother. And for doing the right thing.

The police are here and I'm going to give a statement. I know calling them was the right thing even if she's angry now. So angry. She says she doesn't want to be alone and I've ruined it all. I've done all I can. I'll go home once I've told the police everything.

I hate that I feel 14 again.

It was the right thing to do.

Your mother is weak and wrong. Not only did she fail to protect you from the abuse when you were growing up, she is now attacking you for trying to protect her. I have very little sympathy for her to be honest. I feel angry with her on your behalf.

When you've made your statement to the police, please go home and think very carefully about protecting yourself from your mother (yes, your mother, not just her husband) and how her choices make you feel.

You don't owe her a thing.

Your mum sounds very irrational, no surprise after years of dv but you must minimize the harm to yourself and prioritize your psychological well being

They sound like a very toxic pair
You've had too much poison already

I'm home. DM doesn't want to speak to me. Exhausted and going to sleep in DD's room.

Sleep well

And your pathetic excuse for a mother can fuck off.

I do hope you get some sleep. You might want to check out the Stately Homes thread for support and advice in the coming days.
Well done for doing the right thing. Remember - you have done absolutely the right thing. More .