Don't find DH attractive anymore. How to keep going?

[jumanjane]

Due to my own health issues and several other factors, separating from DH would leave me very vulnerable just yet. I'm therefore looking for advice on how to keep going in this relationship with DH when I feel the way I do?

DH is a likeable person by nature, due to our age, we werent together a long time before we decided that marriage and children was on the cards. In the beginning, DH was attentive towards me and towards himself and his appearance.

As time went on, DH appeared disinterested in sex, his appearance and health and hygiene. I find it repulsive that he neglects himself so much and makes absolutely no effort in the clothes he wears or sometimes, how often he washes.it was not like this during the first year at all.

We've now been together for 5 years and have DCS and I am finding his behaviours and lack of care for himself completely unattractive. I spoke to him about washing everyday which had improved a lot, we're still working on taking pride in his appearance, but I just feel completely disappointed in him for living like this.

I spoke to his brother about it recently (who is not like this)as I was worried he may be depressed and he told me that DH was like this before I came along and that he appeared to make a lot more effort during the first year that we were dating.

Leaving DH would leave me very vulnerable, but I am struggling in relating to DH romantically at all. I've also discovered quite recently that DH was in fact a Virgin when we got together (in his mid-thirties) and had very little desire for sexual relations of any kind. This would explain his preferring to slob around watching TV than have sex.

I know that some people would tell me to leave him if I feel like this, but it really isn't an option for me at the moment. There is a lot of stress and upheaval in our lives and my health has been a problem.

How do I cope in this relationship when I feel the way I do?

OP what a shame you've been disappointed in your choice of husband. We don't all get it right the first time and it's sad that there are so many judgmental and unsupportive comments about your post.

If you can, try to get your DH to listen to how you're feeling but if he won't, then what else can you do but leave when you are able? I don't blame you for wanting to stay until your health has improved - after all the home is yours as well as his.

Make your plans and be ready when the right time to leave arises. I stayed in my first marriage far too long as wayways mum did. When I finally left, it was such a relief.

All good wishes to you, your children and your future.

I don't think he tricked you.

When a man courts a woman, it is exciting as there is a challenge.

If a guy truly likes you he will give all efforts to win you.

He won you, you got married...

Happy happy... Then after a while, relationship and intimacy fades. Ahm, why?

Usually because no motivation, no 'things to look forward to' , no more challenge, no more excitement'

It's a two-way thing.

It's like growing a plant, you have to nurture, water everyday, provide heat/sunlight so it will grow nice and tall.

Maybe ask yourself too, what can you do to help in the relationship that is not patronising?

Think of something like nice little touches.

I suppose you are the 'stronger' one at the moment, then maybe you can lead/direct?

Maybe he is depressed, maybe not, just low in motivation/eagerness to pursue you?

But then again, this is just me.

OP it sounds like the weak link is your health at the moment in terms of giving you the choice of whether to start divorce proceedings or not.

Let smelly DH know how unhappy you are, but invest any energy you have in getting yourself stronger. I'm not asking you to disclose your health problems, but look at what you'd have ideally to get better and work towards that, rather than in couples counselling or ling conversations with DH. You mentioned bereavement - would some counselling help there? You have young children and health problems - do you need a bit more time to yourself during the week? Something gentle like a yoga class? I'm just throwing things out there as ideas because I don't know enough about you.

I'm thinking that the reality is you don't feel able to divorce right now which also means you don't feel you have the choice about being in the relationship or not - also draining. Getting yourself stronger in whatever way is necessary, but indicating to DH that you're unhappy before presenting with divorce papers, would be my plan of action.

No court would mandate 50-50% residency for a breastfed baby. They take the child's interests into account as their first priority.

Amazingly harsh comments on here to a really vulnerable OP. This is not Mumsnet at its best.

OP this all sounds incredibly hard especially with all the other stressors you listed. I have a 4 month old and am in good health, no bereavements etc, and it's still exhausting. I suggest you have one last conversation with your DH. Warn him how serious this is. Suggest counselling again.

If he doesn't listen, which he sadly probably won't, give yourself two months to focus on the kids and your little baby. Then when they turn six months and hopefully are a bit easier start making your plan to leave.

It's fine if the plan is an 18m plan, it's fine to say you need support with your young children until then, that is not selfish. Just start putting little things in place so you know this is a situation with an end date.

There is no way you would have to give 50% care of the EBF baby over to him.

My advice to help you stay sane for now: see a solicitor and find out the actual facts. You seem to be operating on wrong beliefs about what divorce involves.

Knowledge is power.

I feel for you OP.I have had this problem and didnt kiss dh for yrs due to bad breath .The other day i was thinking how bad would he be alone when i got home at 11pm in the heatwave to find he hadnt bathed yet.i have 2 baths per day.
The best you can do is concentrate on your baby and yourself.Look after you.You have a baby together so why should you have the worry of divorce when you can both bring the baby up together.This isnt "using" IMO.
Sometimes life isnt ideal.My dh doesnt always shave and he looks awful so i would mention it if we were both going out.
To some men appearance isnt everything,Concentrate on his good points if you can.I wouldnt have sex with anyone if they hadnt bathed
,My heart goes out to you,are you seeing him in a different light since you had the baby though? Tiredness can make us find fault and see things in a different light.

Do you have a spare bedroom that would allow you separate but still live in the same house for now? I agree that it's unlikely your DH will change but as he doesn't seem that interested in you either this option could work as a temporary fix for both of you.

"letting yourself go after marriage" surely doesn't apply to basic hygiene, but more to wearing nice clothes & make-up not the men obviously!

The inference from that is that there is nothing wrong with not washing if your partner is away for a week, for example - most people get clean every day, regardless as to who is at home with them, because they wan't to be clean & fresh, not because they're trying to impress someone!

He sounds revolting. My DH often doesn't bother washing or cleaning his teeth at the weekend if he's not going anywhere & I hate it.

I wash & change every day because I think that's the normal thing to do - in fact I don't even think about it, it is just what I do!

I am a bit stunned by some of these responses - is this the 1950s?

The OP might be "using" her DH if he had something which was originally or rightfully his and she was in a relationship with him in order to obtain the benefit of that. A private jet, say. A chaffeur and housekeeper.

However, she is not. From the OP, she simply wants to share the responsibility of caring for a 4 month old with that baby's other parent. That is a reasonable expectation and exactly as it should be in 2016. To suggest that she is "using" him indicates that he is doing her some kind of favour by holding the baby while she goes to the loo or makes lunch. That it isn't really his responsibility and that she must have some sort of sly and dishonest motive for daring to want to share the responsibility of looking after a young child equally with its other parent.

Let's be honest, it's unlikely that the baby's care would really be split 50/50 if they separated. OP, I can see exactly why you have made the decision to stay, and it's not unreasonable to want to genuinely share parenting responsibilities as fairly as possible at this stage of your baby's life. I think that sometimes it is easy once the moment has passed to forget how incredibly hard it can be in those early months...

A cuntlodger would be someone who provided nothing except their cunt. This is not the case. I've been married 8 years it is still fresh to me. I don't think after 5 years it is acceptable to stop washing.
She was mis sold because he wasn't clean before and then started slipping. He wasn't clean at all. He made an effort because he had to attract her then once he got her he reverted back. It's only been 5 years and she said he only made an effort during the first year. That's nothing, what's one year? I'm sure he is also well aware that OP depends on him now so she is essentially trapped.
Where is the using? He sounds more like the smelly cocklodger who doesn't even provide cock.

OP is asking for advice on how to keep going.....

OP, maybe reminding yourself the ' in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer' will be helpful?

At the moment, maybe rationalising things about your relationship is better,

He is not like cheating or hurting you, is he?

Just lazy and couldn't find a reAson why he should wash everyday?

Sounds like men who also say they were misold a wife who 'pretended or faked' liking sex before marriage and once the ring was on her finger, she just stops any intimacy.

From what your BIL says, he was clean and hygienic in order to attract and keep you, then when he got you ... he went back to his normal self.

Karma: DH does have his positives. Can be very helpful (but needs directing which I find draining and irritating.) Very thoughtful at times, loving at times and kind.
He lacks ambition and motivation in many aspects of his life (again I was led to believe otherwise in the early days.) He tells me it helps him lead an easy, stress free life, but I can't help but feel that whilst he's laxing around enjoying his stress free life, I'm running around like a lunatic trying to get our lives in order.
I am in counselling and have a health coach working alongside me helping me change and adjust aspects of my life.
It's even more difficult in some ways because part of it involves losing weight, being healthier and more active so DH appears even more lazy when he doesn't care less how much weight he puts on or how healthy he is and I'm working on the opposite. Anyone would think he's depressed judging by the way he lives. I don't get it. He has a good job, but has been reprimanded for "cruising along" in recent months. He tells me he doesn't care as there aren't many in his field and he believes he's difficult to replace. Hes right but I find it an utter turn off that he finds that point of view acceptable and chooses to work so sloppily.
DH is unlikely to go out and meet someone else should we separate, so I don't feel too guilty in staying put until I can.
I see him in a much different light that when we first met, I just wish I could be with that man again, but he appears to have been very temporary.

i have 2 baths per day

So do i .............especially in a bloody heatwave.

What Hotling said.

juman..........he has been reprimanded at work? He is obviously showing a similar attitude there as well.. That does not sound good.

I would not have sex with a man who doesnt wash. I would find it repulsive.

and a man who doesnt wash himself regularly especially under the foreskin can leave his partner open to all sorts of infections.

If its not going to work OP - and you don't sound optimistic - the best thing to do is make plans.

Now might not be exactly the right time to leave - and you are not being selfish - on the contrary you are thinking of your children's interests. But you sound eminently sensible in thinking about your plans for the future.

My only other advice, if you decide you do want out, is not to leave it too long, if you can help it. Most people wish they had made important changes sooner rather than later. Often the change was difficult, but not as difficult as they had imagined, and even when it was, it was worth it. Its easy for a couple of years to turn into a decade, just like that. Of course there are obviously real issues you may need to deal with now - but remember sometimes you don't have to get all your ducks in a row. Fortune favours the brave.

I wonder what his response would be if you said, you'll find a FWB because you aren't attracted to men with poor hygiene and he clearly isn't bothering to satisfy your sexual needs.

I had an ex with poor hygiene and he did wash everyday just other things he did which were gross made me feel weird. Poor hygiene is a no no for me

Does he still find you attractive?

Possibly not. Who knows. I'd have to ask him.
He went out to do the food shop yesterday without brushing his teeth... how would people feel about that? He showers every other day a lot of the time and once a day if he's been doing physical activity. He has left it 2-3 days on 3 occasions and each time, I had to talk to him seriously about it. He got very embarrassed and seems to think he's a lot more hygienic that he actually is. I just think there's absolutely no excuse in clammy weather, but it doesn't make much difference.
I'm glad he does his fair share but can't get past the lack of respect for himself and his appearance.

Hang on,so the majority of the time he showers every day?

Did he clean his teeth already in the morning or not at all when he went shopping?

It would suggest he did not brush his teeth at all from Juman's post and she says he showers "every other day" most of time.

This would bother me.
Men sweat.

Tell him how you feel about it all, then concentrate on yourself. If he changes, great. If not, continue concentrating on yourself and the children until you're in a position to leave. He will only have himself to blame for not respecting himself more. Also, you say you've suggested counselling. You've given enough olive branches, if he doesn't take them then more fool him!

I think from what you say you've decided to deal with your weight yourself (ergo appearance) and that act of empowerment has made you see it as a weakness in him that he's let himself go (well you both did) but you're dealing with it and he isn't. I would suspect that if you've both let your physical selves slide then intimacy has diminished - now you're not attracted to him and perhaps he isn't to you and so he's stopped making an effort. I would put money on it that you're thinking to yourself when you're back to your best (weight/health wise) and therefore 'display ready' as it were you will /are planning to leave him at that point.

It is selfish but I think that's what you'll do.

So because you're a woman it's ok to do that on MN, if you were a man staying in a dead relationship with a woman you didn't physically fancy you'd be caned. It was ever thus.

Now you've made up your mind to string this out regardless, the very least you can do is resolve to be as kind as you can be to this man whilst making it very clear your relationship is over and you now just merely co-parenting under the same roof.