Where do I start?

[skyyequake]

I have no idea what I'm expecting to get from posting here, so I guess that I'll just tell the story and you can just shake me/comment whatever you think

When I met DP he was wonderful, we clicked straight away, had lots of laughs and he seemed really down to earth and wonderful. We quickly started spending most of out time together (I worked PT but with lots of overtime, he was unemployed) All my friends had gone off on their second year of uni around this time and so I wasn't spending time with anyone other than him. I was 20, he was 22.

Anyway, I guess I kind of got lost in that world without many outside influences and before I knew it (far too soon and before I really had time for my thoughts to catch up with me) we were engaged and I was pregnant. (I was happy about being pregnant and I wasn't forced into it)

The first time we had a disagreement was about me texting my friend (who was male) he said I was texting and felt like I was more engrossed in my phone than on our time together. I disagreed but compromised and agreed to text less. This quickly dwindled into not texting at all due to DPs sulking every time I sent a single text.

The next time I heard from my friend was when he sent out a mass Christmas text, I replied and we got talking. I mention I was pregnant and he congratulated me. It was at this point that DP went mental because I was smiling at my phone (because I was excited about pregnancy) and I apparently gave him a "look" which meant I must be flirting/cheating or something. I told him I could talk to whoever I liked and this just seemed to confirm to him that I was doing something dodgy. We had a massive argument. He told me I had no self-respect (I had been completely honest about my sexual history). This was the first time he pushed me to break down in tears.

Over my pregnancy, we had a ton of arguments where he would blow up and tell me I was lazy, stupid, naive, etc telling me that he was just trying to make me a "better person". I can't count the amount of times he left me in the bedroom balling my eyes out, cradling my bump and apologising for bringing her into such crap.

During my first trimester I had really bad morning sickness which left me feeling nauseous all of the time, I could barely sleep, and I was still working PT on a shop floor so on my feet all shift. It left me feeling depressed and exhausted. He would complain to me that we weren't having sex, because it made him feel like I didn't care about/love him anymore. One time we were in the middle of doing some sexual stuff and I suddenly had to dart out of the room to literally go and throw up in the toilet. When I got back he was sulking because "it didn't make him feel very wanted"

After DD was born, DP had to go away for a couple of days to paint up and move us into our new flat (we were in a shared house before). It was supposed to be a couple of days and I was in hospital for 3, when he still wasn't done I went to stay with my DGM. It took him (and family members) 3 weeks to complete it. When I would get frustrated that he would give me a "done by" date and then on that day say that they were nowhere near finished, he would yell down the phone at me that he was stressed and exhausted (I was looking after a newborn essentially on my own, whilst DGM did what she could she was nearly 80 at the time).

DGM overheard some of this, and when I told him that he was just stressed etc, she told me to never let him get up with the baby at night, as it only takes one time of anger for him to do something. He's never laid a hand on DD (now 14 months) but I always keep that in the back of my head.

Since we subsequently moved into our flat, DP has left basically everything up to me. He never did night feeds, rarely did nappies, hardly ever did any cleaning/housework. I was left with PND and when we argued he would corner me (although he denies this) and yell in my face whilst I was holding DD. Sometimes he would force me to give her to him, I would resist at first but then give in for fear he would try and snatch her off me and hurt her. Then he would continue screaming at me whilst he held her. He would continue to call me a lazy, naive little girl and would tell me that he had to break me down from what I was in order to build me back up again, and that at least now I had some self-respect.

In between all this he would be lovely. He would apologise for things he had said, citing anger problems as the reason. He said that he didn't mean anything he said during anger, even when I pointed out that that surely is what he's really thinking and he'd just done away with his filter. He denies this.

We broke up earlier this year for three months. It was always temporary, until he proved that he could step up and do his share of housework and childcare. After that amount of time he really seemed to have changed and so I (stupidly) let him back.

Almost immediately he began to fall backwards and has become more and more difficult to try and talk to about it. Telling me I'm nagging/moaning/"the only one who hasn't changed is you". This culminated last night when he accused me of not cleaning to "the same standard he can" and that when I was on my own with DD my "standard of hygiene was unlivable" (I spoke to my NDN today, who was around a lot during that time, she said there was nothing wrong with the cleanliness of my home)

He has also told me on occasion that I'm not really Bi, because you can only be gay and straight, and that it doesn't matter anyway because I'm with him so sexuality is irrelevant. He's also suggested that I'm more likely to cheat on him because I'm Bi.

I have no friends left, I don't know if my dad will understand how bad it is (he usually has excuses for him), and my DGM died in June. I'm NC with my mum, and I have no one left except my NDN who is lovely and probably the only reason I haven't gone insane.

I don't know if I can get him to leave again. The only reason he left before was because I got him to think it was his idea, he won't make that mistake again.

I keep telling him that I want the person I met back, but I don't think that person exists anymore, if they ever did.

Sorry for any typos and that this is so long.

I agree with theansweris42
These guys never have any insight so you have to walk away knowing that you'll be labelled a cold-hearted, impetuous, ruthless {insert as applicable} bitch. And it takes a lot of strength to endure all of those accusations from somebody who's supposed to know you well. And of course when you're being ground down by that person, your self esteem isn''t strong so you look for validation from the person who's accusing you of all sorts... you seek their blessing and approval.

It's so confusing.

You'll never get his blessing to find his behaviour unacceptable though. NEVER. Can guarantee that.

You'll grow and change as a result of this experience.

He won't. But you'll care less and less what he thinks of you.

You are going to need the police to get him out. Get the locks changed and call the police.

No I don't think it is too late to document what's happened before, I would write down everything that happened between the dates you mentioned plus any others, even without dates they show a pattern. As mentioned you need to make sure it's nowhere he might find it but it would be good to have if only to strengthen your resolve in weaker moments. Make sure you add anything that happens now too, even if it's only his moods and especially if they're in response to something you've done (or he imagines you've done) or said. Creating a bad atmosphere when you don't tow the line is still abuse and is all about control so having a record will paint a very clear picture to anyone involved in helping victims of DV.

I agree with hidingtonothing, it's definitely not too late to start and don't feel you have to hang around to get more documented, just write down everything you remember - you can absolutely still use it, just give as much detail as you can. Things like the doorbell incident demonstrate his lack of respect for your wishes, and I'm fairly certain that in the UK there are now new laws against emotional abuse, so it's not like it's not actionable just because he's never hit you.

It's probably also worth just having a backup plan in place, if something were to happen, like things got heated or (worst case scenario) physicsl, so that you have a quick get out option and you know, for example, who you could go to/who might be able to help in a pinch.

As everyone else has said, just remember this isn't you, that you're incredibly brave and strong, even if it doesn't always feel like it, and that you can do this :)

Hi all, thank you for your advice!

If all goes to plan, he should be driving his DB up to London and back this evening so I should have a free evening to document anything I can remember... The most serious acts are stuck in my mind, and the more recent stuff is the more subtle stuff, like just now he felt he had to stand outside the door holding DD whilst I took the stuff off the Asda delivery guy. He had offered to do it instead but I asked him to look after DD so he got very suspicious like I was going to make out with the guy on the doorstep or something. Then he stood outside the door and said "problem solved!"

These subtle things are elements of control and now this is also a criminal offence. Get them written down somewhere as and when you can. I imagine once they're all physically there you'll be a little shocked at just how controlling he is when you see it all together the pol or would investigate that and even if you. Ant remember dates that doesn't matter, it's the fact that his overall behaviour is affecting how you feel you can behave. You have to watch what you do to avoid a reaction. That isn't normal and this time safe. When ever you are ready to take that step I would really recommend calling the police to help if you can't get him out or even if he harasses you/calls texts etc and turns up. You can report ongoing abuse and the control, they'll deal with it. I can't imagine how awful you must feel waiting for him to explode, living on the edge constantly. It isn't fair for you or your daughter.
Please do call women's aid and if he does anything and you feel scared then please call 999. Even f they don't arrest him they will remove him, and if I remember you have the house in your name (?) which means they will gladly escort him away and will give you dv support if you want it.

Also. Counselling is available on the nhs, I've asked for a referral for other reasons and no problem so worth asking your gp xx

I know it's about control. I haven't even been to any toddler groups yet, even though he's said he's fine with it when I've mentioned it. I know he'll quiz me about who I met and if I made friends, and if I'm sure they're just friends and then do a catsbumface to say he doesn't believe me...

I'm going to one on Wednesday though. I'm not having DD suffer because of this anymore.

there is a law now for coercive abuse

telling u what to do on oyur phone/laptop or contrllng them is against the law and arrestable

Skye how's it going?

Get out of that life. That's all. He is a dusgusting control freak who can yell in the face of a defenceless baby. Awful.

disgusting

Jeez he's making toddler group out to be a pick up joint?
That's got to be projection somehow. Or great evidence of his fucked up thought processes. Is this part of his problem; he's convinced you're some sort of sexual incontinent who'll shag anything?
He really is awfully screwed up and you cannot fix that.

He didn't go to London last night, he should be going later today, he's out with his DB at the moment.

We had a massive argument this morning. I'll quickly go over what happened.

I was already grumpy at his usual antics (not changing DDs nappy even though I asked him 5 times etc.) His DB turned up so he went to finish getting ready. DD followed him to the bathroom as she usually does. It goes a bit quiet and I worry (because quiet toddlers are always suspicious) so I go in there and DDs pulled out the toilet brush! He's got his leg in front of her trying to halfheartedly push her away but is more focused on doing his flipping hair! So I grab her before she can do anything else (got there just in time) and as I walk out I tell him he's completely incapable.

Once he's finished he asks his DB to wait outside for him before they go and tells me I'm always making him look like an idiot! I told him that what he did wasn't on etc. but he kept going on about making him look stupid in front of his DB. I said that that was the problem, he was more focused on how he looked than the fact that his inaction could have made DD ill...

Anyway more squabbling and in the end he says (and I can remember this part word for word):
Him: "If you can't be bothered anymore just say so!"
Me: "I can't."
Him: "With what? Us?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "So you're ending it?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Are you fucking serious?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "So what? Would I be living here?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Fuck off. You're not taking me away from my daughter."
Me: "I'm not taking you away from your daughter, you just wouldn't be living here."
Him: "Fuck off."
Me: "On what planet is this your choice?"

He went very quiet here and I think he remembered that the flat is all in my name. He asked why and I unloaded all of the stuff about the yelling whilst holding DD (which he conveniently doesn't remember!) and all the recent crap about toddler groups, never seeing friends etc. I got the usual "I don't stop you!" so I brought up the quizzing all the time and basically just had a massive rant about the disrespect and the lack of support and compassion, and of remorse even when he does try and pick his socks up. He said I was right. He said he would, and could, change. I said I don't believe him. He's convinced me to talk about it once him and his DB get back from London (if that even happens) once "we've both calmed down."

I need you guys to give me a shake and tell me not to give in again.

dont do it skye

hes t5rying to manipulate u making u feel like youre not giving him a chance and being unreasnoable

just lock the door and pack his stuff up and tell him he can pick it up at a convienient time

dont agree to yet another grovelling its al about control

you know what nocapes went through dont fall into the trap-just get rid now

You do need a shake. Consider it done.
What is there to talk about other than access arrangements for dd?
You've said the words.
If you don't follow through now you lose the power they have.
Next time you get to this point and say the words than he laughs and ignored it.
Come on now. Start packing him a bag for a few days and get him out.
You can do this.

Oh and you don't have to provide a 'good enough' reason to end it. You can just end it. There is no judge.
"You make me miserable" is sufficient.

I know. Thank you. He does make me feel like I'm being unreasonable, often by admitting that I'm being reasonable, so that then I feel like I need to give him a chance to act. But this is one time too many.

I think my reason to him will be that he's broken my trust, so I no longer believe him. He's always going on about "trust" in that he doesn't trust me so it will be quite satisfying to turn it round on him. It also means if he argues I can just point out what a hypocrite he's being.

I know I don't need to think this much about it. But it does make me feel better to have counters to his arguments all set up. Means I'm less likely to wobble.

DD is asleep in our bedroom at the moment so I'll have to wait till she wakes up before packing a bag. He's also supposed to be dropping back in before going to London and I don't want him to come back in the middle of me packing or all hell will break loose. I mean it's going to go to shit anyway, but if the bags all packed then at least it'll be outside the front door that he loses it.

dont even get into a conversation about trust

just say there is nothing to talk about heres your bag

Ok you're right, no discussion. It's just so tempting to tell him exactly why. But I've already told him 1000 times, and I've told him that I've told him before.

I wish my NDN was in so I could have some back up IRL. I have no idea if my dad is even in the country. He should be back by now but I haven't heard from him at all. And this is the most positive male example in my life! I was fucked from the start

Gabs is right. No discussions. Pack that bag once dd is awake.
Can you put it outside the door and leave your key in the lock?

You're going to have to be really strong here Skye, if you don't follow through now he will have the chance to ramp up his behaviour and that worries me. He knows something hasn't been right these last few days so he's probably already dreamt up a load of fucked up reasons in his head why you're doing this, all of which will be your fault and he will punish you for them if you let him back in. You can't reason with this man, please don't try, every time you try to argue your position he will twist it so that you are in the wrong and that will make it more difficult to get rid. Any discussion you have with him (and the less you have the better) needs to be short and factual, don't give him anything to argue against. You want him gone because he makes you miserable, if he asks why say you've already told him, don't be tempted to go over it again. If he tries to use you 'taking his DD away', plenty of couples split and work out a way to co parent, tell him there's plenty of time to work out details and you're sure you'll both be able to make it work because you both love DD so much. It doesn't give him anything to argue about that way, you need to close down all the avenues he would normally use to keep the discussion going so he can confuse you and back you into a corner, don't let him do it. You've shown your hand now, he knows you want out, if you let him back in you're handing the power to him on a plate and god knows how long it will be before you get another chance, or how much damage he will have done in the meantime. I know I sound dramatic but controlling men who can see and feel their control slipping away are dangerous so the quicker you can get him out now the better. Any idea where NDN has gone or how long she'll be?

Don't get into any discussions with him because he isn't a reasonable person who will listen. Make this about you 'I am unhappy in this relationship' 'I don't want to be with you anymore' 'this is my flat and I want you to move out' etc. You need to make it clear that the relationship is over and you won't be talked round.

You could call 101 non emergency police to say you are ending an abusive relationship and expect trouble when you ask him to leave.

I'm afraid to say I did get into a discussion with him, he turned on the "begging for another chance" thing, but somehow managed to twist it so that I was being unreasonable by not giving him another chance, whilst still saying he didn't deserve one...

I stuck by it though. When I said it was definitely over he just walked out and slammed the door. I've locked it but he does have a key, so I've put the chain on. I've also texted my NDN saying what happened as she's not in. And I've changed all my passwords to things.

He's texted me now saying how sorry he is and how I didn't deserve it all, and that he'll always love me. I might be tempted to cave but I've heard it all before.

I do feel a pang of guilt because DDs getting to an age where she really loves him but I can't risk him blowing up at her once she gets to tantrum stage. I told him that too.

He told me whilst we were "discussing" that he would go to the GP and get assessed etc... we'll see if he still does it or if he was just playing out steps to try and appease me. He should still want to do it for the sake of DD, but we'll see. I won't say he definitely won't because he has that habit of being unpredictable mostly

Knowing him, he will play up being overly nice and apologetic for a few days/weeks and when it becomes clear that I'm not caving this time, that's when the nastiness/difficulty will start.

I don't think I would have been able to do it without you lot I am eternally grateful to every single one of you.

Well done. If he turns up DONT open the door. Tell him firmly to go away if he doesn't dial 999 and tell them you are afraid he will break the door down.
Make sure your phone is charged and with you at so times.

Do you have a mobile number for your ndn? Could you call or text her to ask when she's back.