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Where do I start?

999 replies

skyyequake · 15/09/2016 16:34

I have no idea what I'm expecting to get from posting here, so I guess that I'll just tell the story and you can just shake me/comment whatever you think

When I met DP he was wonderful, we clicked straight away, had lots of laughs and he seemed really down to earth and wonderful. We quickly started spending most of out time together (I worked PT but with lots of overtime, he was unemployed) All my friends had gone off on their second year of uni around this time and so I wasn't spending time with anyone other than him. I was 20, he was 22.

Anyway, I guess I kind of got lost in that world without many outside influences and before I knew it (far too soon and before I really had time for my thoughts to catch up with me) we were engaged and I was pregnant. (I was happy about being pregnant and I wasn't forced into it)

The first time we had a disagreement was about me texting my friend (who was male) he said I was texting and felt like I was more engrossed in my phone than on our time together. I disagreed but compromised and agreed to text less. This quickly dwindled into not texting at all due to DPs sulking every time I sent a single text.

The next time I heard from my friend was when he sent out a mass Christmas text, I replied and we got talking. I mention I was pregnant and he congratulated me. It was at this point that DP went mental because I was smiling at my phone (because I was excited about pregnancy) and I apparently gave him a "look" which meant I must be flirting/cheating or something. I told him I could talk to whoever I liked and this just seemed to confirm to him that I was doing something dodgy. We had a massive argument. He told me I had no self-respect (I had been completely honest about my sexual history). This was the first time he pushed me to break down in tears.

Over my pregnancy, we had a ton of arguments where he would blow up and tell me I was lazy, stupid, naive, etc telling me that he was just trying to make me a "better person". I can't count the amount of times he left me in the bedroom balling my eyes out, cradling my bump and apologising for bringing her into such crap.

During my first trimester I had really bad morning sickness which left me feeling nauseous all of the time, I could barely sleep, and I was still working PT on a shop floor so on my feet all shift. It left me feeling depressed and exhausted. He would complain to me that we weren't having sex, because it made him feel like I didn't care about/love him anymore. One time we were in the middle of doing some sexual stuff and I suddenly had to dart out of the room to literally go and throw up in the toilet. When I got back he was sulking because "it didn't make him feel very wanted"

After DD was born, DP had to go away for a couple of days to paint up and move us into our new flat (we were in a shared house before). It was supposed to be a couple of days and I was in hospital for 3, when he still wasn't done I went to stay with my DGM. It took him (and family members) 3 weeks to complete it. When I would get frustrated that he would give me a "done by" date and then on that day say that they were nowhere near finished, he would yell down the phone at me that he was stressed and exhausted (I was looking after a newborn essentially on my own, whilst DGM did what she could she was nearly 80 at the time).

DGM overheard some of this, and when I told him that he was just stressed etc, she told me to never let him get up with the baby at night, as it only takes one time of anger for him to do something. He's never laid a hand on DD (now 14 months) but I always keep that in the back of my head.

Since we subsequently moved into our flat, DP has left basically everything up to me. He never did night feeds, rarely did nappies, hardly ever did any cleaning/housework. I was left with PND and when we argued he would corner me (although he denies this) and yell in my face whilst I was holding DD. Sometimes he would force me to give her to him, I would resist at first but then give in for fear he would try and snatch her off me and hurt her. Then he would continue screaming at me whilst he held her. He would continue to call me a lazy, naive little girl and would tell me that he had to break me down from what I was in order to build me back up again, and that at least now I had some self-respect.

In between all this he would be lovely. He would apologise for things he had said, citing anger problems as the reason. He said that he didn't mean anything he said during anger, even when I pointed out that that surely is what he's really thinking and he'd just done away with his filter. He denies this.

We broke up earlier this year for three months. It was always temporary, until he proved that he could step up and do his share of housework and childcare. After that amount of time he really seemed to have changed and so I (stupidly) let him back.

Almost immediately he began to fall backwards and has become more and more difficult to try and talk to about it. Telling me I'm nagging/moaning/"the only one who hasn't changed is you". This culminated last night when he accused me of not cleaning to "the same standard he can" and that when I was on my own with DD my "standard of hygiene was unlivable" (I spoke to my NDN today, who was around a lot during that time, she said there was nothing wrong with the cleanliness of my home)

He has also told me on occasion that I'm not really Bi, because you can only be gay and straight, and that it doesn't matter anyway because I'm with him so sexuality is irrelevant. He's also suggested that I'm more likely to cheat on him because I'm Bi.

I have no friends left, I don't know if my dad will understand how bad it is (he usually has excuses for him), and my DGM died in June. I'm NC with my mum, and I have no one left except my NDN who is lovely and probably the only reason I haven't gone insane.

I don't know if I can get him to leave again. The only reason he left before was because I got him to think it was his idea, he won't make that mistake again.

I keep telling him that I want the person I met back, but I don't think that person exists anymore, if they ever did.

Sorry for any typos and that this is so long.

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Littlelostdinosaur · 17/09/2016 06:38

Sky I'm sorry you and your dd are dealing with this. If you're ready to tell him to leave, maybe the best way if you fear violence is to wait until he goes to work, then pack some things up, lock the doors and tell him not to come back once he is already out. Get the locks changed immediately and tell the police. have someone with you when he is due home so you aren't alone when inevitably he comes back trying to change your mind.
There is a new law which now makes an offence of "coercive and controlling behaviour". If you wanted to you could report that and he would have to be dealt with - it may not necessarily lead to arrest or charge or conviction but it would put him on the police radar as an abuser and support you down the line if there is ever further ea or violence and also if there's any problem with child access etc.

You could seek a restraining order, if he was charged by police that could do this for you otherwise you need to seek legal advice.

Are you financially dependent on him? I do t know much about the benefits dude if things but there are emergency funds available if you need them in your situation. Please please call women's aid and get specific advice on how to proceed. It sounds like you have the realisation and mentality to leave, you just need the execution.

I know you e been on capes' thread - do a capes and be that inspiration to someone reading this thread - do a Sky and get the shitworm out of your house whilst you still have the strength and belief in yourself.

You don't need him.
You will be better off without him.
He is an abuser. He is not the man you wanted. There are people in the world who will cherish you. It's time to find them xxx