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Original poster

How do you know real remorse/guilt?

55 replies

Humblebee1 · 15/09/2016 15:29

How do you recognise true remorse and guilt for cheating on you, and how to tell it's not just self pity and panic at the thought of reaping the responsibility for wrecking the family home life.??? I worry it's the later and therefore giving a second chance will fail only to prolong all our agony. Confused! Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humblebee1 · 16/09/2016 13:10

AnyF your talking as I would have to anyone before this, and I'm ashamed to say that probably looking at myself in the mirror at the moment It's fear more than hope making me reassess this. Tough as nails and soft as shit at the same time. It's a mind fucker. Hormones possibly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humblebee1 · 16/09/2016 13:33

I'm a sahm, he has good job and he was working away, although not now. We have fantastic kids, who are thriving and unsettling the family home will be heart breaking, no more family anything for my kids breaks my heart, they've done nothing wrong. I know deep down the common sense of it all, but emotions are sooo powerful for some of us.

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Original poster
Humblebee1 · 16/09/2016 13:39

I guess I now feel responsible for damage limitation to all of our family, I don't want to be a mug though, which is why I am at least talking with him.

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Original poster
Humblebee1 · 16/09/2016 13:56

very foolish, bigbum & tristram was it similar type of cheating you discovered?

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TempusEedjit · 16/09/2016 15:32

Agree with PPs, that kind of premeditated cheating shows that your DH is not an otherwise good man who got carried away in a situation such as a fling at work or a ONS. He's a bad'un who has no respect for you or your relationship and his sense of entitlement and subsequent actions will end your relationship at some point so best to rip that plaster off now (unless you can genuinely live with being walked all over for the rest of your life).

My ex's parents split up when he was in his twenties due to his father's philandering (which had been swept under the carpet all through his childhood) but he and his brother still found the split terribly hard. It would have been better all round if the separation had happened earlier then they'd have had far fewer years of "family life" to mourn, mum would have been happier plus they wouldn't have had a disrespectful relationship dynamic modelled to them - both ex and his brother carried their father's behaviour into their own marriages. Don't do this to your kids, you didn't break this so you can't fix this.

Sorry you are going through this Flowers

AnyFucker · 16/09/2016 15:46

what explanation could he possibly have for this conniving and prescient behaviour ? I cannot think of any kind of apology or action that would make this ok

it's so premeditated that once forgiven there is a very hih chance he wil give himself permission to do it again and probably won't bother to hide it next time

Original poster
Humblebee1 · 16/09/2016 15:52

I really hear you tempus, and thanks for your reply. We are so good together though, its just so sickening,nor so me and everyone that knows us thought. I haven't said I'm committed yet to trying to move on,although he's in the spare room, so iv let him back in house.
Will I be letting myself/children down if I give him chance to prove remorse/guilt, and give myself chance of figuring out if I can forgive him?

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thestamp · 16/09/2016 15:58

Damage limitation isn't your job. It's his. Step back. Give him space to fail. If you pick up the pieces for him, make the effort for him, you're only building a house of cards. He will end up respecting you even less than he does now. Sorry but his respect for you is minimal atm if you've discovered THIS level of blatant long term deception and still agreed to stay on...

If I were you I'd get him out of the home and let him fail without you and understand what he's gambled away. And if HE makes the sustained effort to win you back... great. But it can't come from you.

He fucked you over. Don't fix it for him. Your children need to learn self respect from you.

I'm sorry. I wish that what women were taught about marriage actually prepared them for the real things that happen. Not the fake fairy tale...

Kr1stina · 16/09/2016 16:12

He can move out and then prove to you how sorry he is .

Then a year or so down the line, if he has proved he's a changed man, you can talk about him moving back in

Original poster
Humblebee1 · 16/09/2016 16:19

Omg you are bang on thestamp. Deep down I know this. Thank you all for responding, feeling like this has helped me clarify my true thoughts. I just need to find the strength. I know I need to make him take responsibilty for this no matter what. I know and am scared I'm going to cry, cry cry.

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nueday8 · 16/09/2016 16:27

Just leave for your own sanity and happiness, if your happy then your children are happy, he is no prize to hold on to get rid and have a happy life. I have wasted years trying to put right the mistakes of my dh its soul destroying. When you know they are capable of lying to you like that you never really believe what the tell you ever again, its No way to live.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2016 16:28

OP, what was his excuse for doing what he did ? How did he explain it to you ?

TempusEedjit · 16/09/2016 16:47

The problem is in your case he's not asking you to let him prove remorse/guilt for a one-off mistake or lapse in judgement. I think only an ingrained character trait could have enabled him to believe he is entitled to research his options for cheating, choose someone suitably vulnerable, see it through then lie about it for weeks when confronted. You being "so good together" actually makes it all worse in a way because it proves that if the shit ever did actually hit the fan at some future point in your relationship then he'll have no qualms whatsoever about putting himself and his wants first.

If you must go along with trying to fix this then you need to let go of the idea that you are all or partly responsible, it has to come from him, be his ideas, his actions. No point you spoon feeding him what you want to happen that he can merely nod and smile and cry along to till he thinks you're suitably placated - you need to step back and let him demonstrate what he thinks he needs to do. How he approaches this will tell you a lot but it's not looking good so far.

Unfortunately I have to say I think you're on a hiding to nothing because you're in effect trying to change who he fundamentally is and the longer you try, the more of your self esteem you'll destroy.

tristramshandysclock · 16/09/2016 16:51

In the case of my STBXH it was pre-meditated and it happened a few times (that I know of, pretty sure plenty of that I haven't found out about). It wasn't affair just sex. He is not capable of relationship or affair for that matter.

ITCouldBeWorse · 16/09/2016 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 20:42

Of course you are scared. Anyone would be. Bloody rotten situation for him to put you in. Obviously that thought didn't occur to him though. Or it didn't matter. Or he never expected to get caught. Maybe because you never caught him before.

Have you considered the possibility that you are not that good together but that he has been very good at lying to you about his true beliefs and behaviours until now? Maybe it was an illusion of good. Easy when you work away a lot.

I'm pointing this out to help you find your anger to give you the strength to do what you know you must.

bigbumbrunette · 16/09/2016 23:50

Humblebee, in my situation it was a work affair. I kicked him out for 5 months and in that time he took himself for counselling, he did all the running and desperately trying to prove himself. Had he not tried, I was doing fine on my own and would've continued to do so. I've been a single mum before, I know I can do it so I'm not scared of that idea.

Original poster
Humblebee1 · 18/09/2016 23:44

Apparently he says he can change, since he wasn't always a cheat.

Anyway after repeatedly warning him if I didn't see enough effort he would be out, and after many arrogant comments (he even had the brass to say I was attention seeking every time I threatened to put him out). I have at last done it. Feeling better the last 36 hours than have in ages. I can't believe how much better I feel. I doubt he ever loved me.
That bit of advice about letting him fail sounds so much like sense. He will have to literally move mountains!

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bigbumbrunette · 19/09/2016 00:00

Fair play to you. Read up on here the posts about 'the script' so you're prepared for what is to come. Words are cheap, it's actions that count. And not just the promise of action either. Onwards and upwards, best of luck!

AnyFucker · 19/09/2016 00:04

1st step to regaining your self respect. Well done you.

Lotsofponies · 19/09/2016 00:07

Well done. You don't have to rush I to any decision, but you do need some space and calm to get over this shock, it's the most painful thing you can ever go through, and I can't imagine how much worse it must be whilst pregnant. You sound strong, you can get through this.

Original poster
Humblebee1 · 20/09/2016 10:39

Omg I am struggling today. Feeling really overwhelmed. Have ignored his texts for two days but will have to deal with him seeing kids soon. Should I drop off and collect. Don't want to see him but know I have to. I determined to remain strong. I so need him right now but I know its no use, because he isn't who I thought, he is bad for me. Hand hold please - here come the tears.

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Kr1stina · 20/09/2016 10:56

I'm sorry y are having a tough day . Can you get someone else to do the drop off, or at least be there when he arrives ? Family, friend, neighbour ?

MrsJackAubrey · 20/09/2016 13:57

Humblebee1, I hope perhaps the drop off wasn't so bad; you've already taken those first steps and it will be painful, but each step each day is one you dont have to do again.

It's agony when the person who we feel we want, there with us, to help us though pain, is the person who is causing the pain. Like a fox having to chew its own leg off.

only you will know what's right for you - people do change, people do reflect on themselves and what they've done to their loved ones, we can feel remorse for our actions. Good luck today

SandyY2K · 20/09/2016 14:14

Confirm a pick up time and he can come and get the kids. Have them ready to go straight out of the door with him.

Confirm his return time and he drops them off at the doorstep and doesn't come I'm.

How did you discover the affair?
I agree he sought it out. It's no mistake. He decided to deceive you and another woman while you're carrying his child.

I bet he's scared of the child support and alimony he's going to have to pay in a divorce.

If you do decide to reconcile ... I'd suggest a post nuptial agreement with an infidelity clause. Further cheating means a 70/30 or 65/35 split in the divorce. The reaction to this is a good test of him being committed to remaining faithful.

He could have brought an STD home to you and the baby.