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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you and your DP sleep at the same time?

42 replies

sleeplessincali · 13/09/2016 03:06

I've just realized that DH and I don't sleep at the same time anymore.

He works long hours. 13-15 hours. On a good day around 10 hours. He's been particularly busy recently and working super late. So we never went to bed at the same time. Fair enough. But over the weekend and today was his day off, he's been going to sleep after me. Preferring to play on his PS4.

In order for him to work long hours, I do everything at home. It gets pretty lonely for me. I thought he would spend one night with me. But he would come in and give me a quick hug and then go off to play till 1/2am.

We also have had sex since June last year. No kissing, nothing. He used to blame it on being tired. Which ok I get. But if he is so tired, why play till so late?

Just so I don't drop feed, he cheated on me 4 years ago. We have seen a therapist. He said that his lack of interest in sex was because of his guilt. So the therapist recommended that he take care of my needs and not to concentrate on sex. Which he doesn't do.

I feel alone. And pretty much unloved. I feel like I'm here to do my duty as a wife and a mum. And that's it. Am
I being crazy? I don't know

OP posts:

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 03:49

I am sure loads of others will disagree but gaming is for kids he should have grown out of it by now. Sounds like he is avoiding real life, I reckon you need a chat to him re your relationship and his work hours (are you sure he is at work?)

Original poster

sleeplessincali · 13/09/2016 05:00

I get that he need to relax and that's why he plays on his PS4. I got him the bloody thing for Father's Day. But our relationship need some attention too. Out of the three nights, if he gave me one night, I would be happy.

I guess I miss intimacy. And his lack of trying or even talking about it, is just making it worse.

I know he is at work. His hours are ridiculous. And he has periods where it's crazy and then other times he might be home everyday for dinner.

It feels like everything else comes first. And I'm just taken for granted.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2016 05:04

DH likes to game. But at least one night a week we watch a film together or hang out. It's scheduled and if it doesn't happen Friday, it's Saturday. Not romantic scheduling but it is nice. Could you suggest one night that's 'yours'.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 05:33

No, you're not being crazy. He's detached from you as a partner and as a family. It's horrible. Do you think his attention is somewhere else?

Original poster

sleeplessincali · 13/09/2016 05:42

Mrsterrypratchett I could try that. I guess I want a little bit more than watching a movie together. I want to feel that he still loves me. I want my husband to kiss me, to want to have sex with me. It's been a year and three months.

Do I think his attention is somewhere else? No. After what we went through when he cheated on me. I do t think he would do it again. I know he uses porn. And I worry that it's easier for him to get his pleasure from there than try with me.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 05:58

Do you think you can have a serious talk without it being about either of you being wrong or bad? Get him to think about your relationship seriously instead of this avoidance? Ask him why he thinks it is that porn is so important to him, trying to work out the actual cause rather than accusing him; saying "it makes me feel unwanted " rather than "you don't want me"?

I tried introducing date night but it didn't work as we still did not have any real conversation about us and our relationship. Ex would not look me in the eye and I just got pissed off .

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2016 05:59

Well the film is spending time and that leads to chatting and that leads to laughing and that, well you get the idea.

Unless your marriage is dead. I've had two marriages and one died. The other has had periods of less sex but it's not dead.

Do you still smile, kiss goodbye, hug? Because if you don't, there are reasons.

Original poster

sleeplessincali · 13/09/2016 06:24

Ravenmum I can try and talk to him.when ever I try and talk to him,he just shuts me down. I've tried to be sensitive of his feelings, but it gets me no where

MrsTerryPratchett how did you know your relationship was dead? We smile, we peck each other on the cheek. We hug. But it's all routine.

How can you be married and live with someone, and feel alone?

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 13/09/2016 06:34

Gaming is not for kids, the biggest demographic for gamers is people in their thirties but yes every night is a bit too much, especially when he's not spending time with you. You need to have a serious talk.

PacificOcean · 13/09/2016 06:41

You have been sensitive of his needs and feelings for too long! You need to put your foot down and tell him what you need. He's been allowed to get away with this behaviour for too long.

Gaming is ok but not every night. As others have said, set aside one evening a week when he isn't allowed to touch it. Cook a nice meal together and eat it together, dress up if you want to, flirt a little, go up to bed together.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 06:49

I felt less alone after he'd gone. For me it was the idea that he was meant to have my back but didn't that made it worse.

Ask him why he doesn't want to talk about it, and what will happen if you don't?

Joysmum · 13/09/2016 07:22

He has a history of looking outside your marriage when things aren't going smoothly, rather than talking things through with you and trying to improve them.

This is what he did when he had the affair, it's what he's doing now with the gaming, and unless he is prepared to break that default setting pattern of behaviour your marriage will never get back on track.

Does he have to work such long hours?

MargotMoon · 13/09/2016 07:23

I spent years in a situation like this before DH met someone else and I found out. He left, I felt like I'd lost my right arm and all of my self-esteem but now I'm with someone new who makes me feel like I'm the most amazing woman in the world. If he won't discuss what is wrong he has emotionally left your relationship already. If I had my chance again I would have got out sooner and tried to retain some of my confidence and self worth.

PoisonWitch · 13/09/2016 07:32

DP suffers insomnia and works from home with lots of deadlines. He often won't come to bed at all and sleeps during the day. We don't have sex as often as I would like. He does make an effort to spend time with me and tries to come to bed at the same time once or twice a week. I still hate it though and wish he would just sleep normally. He makes very little effort to combat the insomnia even though it affects him badly.

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 07:35

onion knight

Just because the largest gaming demographic is 30 year olds doesn't mean it isn't for kids. There are plenty of man child's out there. Spending half the night pretending you are in the SAS shooting things up how pathetic is that?

OnionKnight · 13/09/2016 07:47

Massive generalisation there paranormalish.

And females make up half of that demographic

BreatheDeep · 13/09/2016 07:55

Both me and DH like to play on our xbox or pc. I play less than him but I still play. I'm not a kid, thank you very much. Absurd thing to say.

Anyway, OP - me and DH make sure we sit together at least once a week but it's usually more. Sometimes the whole evening, sometimes just an hour. I think you need to tell him you're feeling lonely. If my DH gets a new game and I feel like I haven't seen him much then I have no qualms going in to him and telling him I'm feeling a bit lonely and he always comes and chats to me.

SaggyNaggy · 13/09/2016 07:55

gaming is for kids he should have grown out of it by now.
How odd then that the majority of the most popular games are adult only? What a strange paradox....

Also, if I red it right, he works long hours and gets to bed in time to get up for work. On his days off he stays up late to indulge his hobby, which happens to be gaming, not that he stays up late every night plying games?

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 07:58

Onion knight

I am not for a moment suggesting it isn't I just think it is all a bit fantasist and not healthy (like teenagers and their bloody phones aaaaargggghhhhh) - Do women play call of duty too or are their other games they generally play??

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 08:00

Saggynaggy

Yes the gaming industry has identified a Massive 'Peter Pan' demographic

OnionKnight · 13/09/2016 08:04

Girls/Women can and do play Call of Duty but there's not really any games that are aimed at women (The Sims comes to mind but that's pushing it) and to be honest why should there be? Just because someone happens to have a vagina it doesn't mean that they cannot play certain genres of games

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 08:04

Are you still having any counselling? Might be time for some on your own to help you face up to things, get you stronger in case you do end up apart.

Generally, sitting down and workig out how your future might be without him would probably help even if you don't split up. Once you have worked out that you could get OK on without him you'll be able to discuss your relationship with more confidence. Maybe it is just time to go your separate ways?

I remember walking on the beach before my ex even had his affair, with the kids in the late evening. Ex had knowingly let us down for no reason and we had to walk home alone in the dark. When we got back he made light of it. It felt so lonely. Now I'm on my own with the (big) kids and the loneliness has gone. I go out, I do stuff I want to at home, I have a bf. I'm officially the one there for the kids now so my ex can't let us down.

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 08:08

Onionknight

Fair enough, in which case I am just glad I have no desire to enter into that fantasy world myself. It seems it can be pretty addictive. From what I understand GTA and COD are metined in lots of divorce cases under unreasonable behaviour.

OnionKnight · 13/09/2016 08:13

GTA and CoD are two games in hundreds of thousands

You need to broaden your horizons if you think those two games represent the gaming industry.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 08:14

If it wasn't gaming it would be something else. My ex stayed up late "writing work emails" or watching TV and got up after me because he "needed some quiet time on his own".

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