Do you and your DP sleep at the same time?

[sleeplessincali]

I've just realized that DH and I don't sleep at the same time anymore.

He works long hours. 13-15 hours. On a good day around 10 hours. He's been particularly busy recently and working super late. So we never went to bed at the same time. Fair enough. But over the weekend and today was his day off, he's been going to sleep after me. Preferring to play on his PS4.

In order for him to work long hours, I do everything at home. It gets pretty lonely for me. I thought he would spend one night with me. But he would come in and give me a quick hug and then go off to play till 1/2am.

We also have had sex since June last year. No kissing, nothing. He used to blame it on being tired. Which ok I get. But if he is so tired, why play till so late?

Just so I don't drop feed, he cheated on me 4 years ago. We have seen a therapist. He said that his lack of interest in sex was because of his guilt. So the therapist recommended that he take care of my needs and not to concentrate on sex. Which he doesn't do.

I feel alone. And pretty much unloved. I feel like I'm here to do my duty as a wife and a mum. And that's it. Am
I being crazy? I don't know

Both me and my other half like gaming, so we do that a lot (together as well!), but still need to spend time together as a family, and also as a couple.

It's probably a way to unwind, but I do agree he needs to make time for you as well, you shouldn't have to feel alone. Though I can't help thinking perhaps he ought to find a more family friendly job? If you had more of him in the daytime/early evening, it might not feel so lonely.

Onionknight

I am happy with my admittedly blinkered view if it stops me wasting my life away on a PS4/Xbox or similar.

My son had one and I tried to play with him I just didn't enjoy it/couldn't see the point. The only game I managed to bear so we could play together was Tiger Woods golf.

Tbh that was one of the reasons exDP and I split up - complete disconnect in body clock. I slept something like 10-5 because I had to be up at that time, and he would sleep 2-11 because he just liked late nights and lie ins....we barely overlapped in bed at all and I hated it.

New lovely DP (I say new, it's been a few years now!) sleeps more or less at the same time as me and I love it! Obviously sometimes one of us comes in late from a night out, or has an early night because we are particularly tired, but most nights we potter off to bed together and snuggle/read/have sex for a little bit before we both go to sleep. We both have kindles so if one wants to read whilst the other sleeps they can do so with the lights off. It's great!

My and DH sleep at different times and he is into his gaming, but it doesn't interfere with our marriage.

We both go up to bed at about 9pm, watch about an hour of a boxset, and then I'll say goodnight and attempt to sleep whilst he plays Xbox. Part of our agreement with this arrangement is that we have at least one night a week where he doesn't play it, and he uses headphones so it's not too loud and dims the brightness on the screen. I get up at and leave for work for 6am, he doesn't need to leave for work until 9am.

As long as he is pulling his weight with housework, this doesn't bother me at all. But it sounds as if your DH isn't doing what he could be doing to help you. You should both get an equal amount of "down time"!

I am happy with my admittedly blinkered view if it stops me wasting my life away with my nose in a book.

My son had one and I tried to read with him I just didn't enjoy it/couldn't see the point. The only book I managed to bear so we could read together was War and Peace.

Horses for courses!

You are comparing COD with War and Peace Terry?

I've heard it all now!

Im saying that different people like different things. I happen to like gaming and Dostoyevsky (not Tolstoy though!). I can understand why others don't. You don't have to act like Mary Whitehouse just because something isn't your cup of tea.

- Do women play call of duty too or are their other games they generally play??

so in a nutshell you know fuck all about gaming? That's why your comments made people roll their eyes. The OP and the issues are nothing about gaming, it's just the chosen check out of family life thing. It could have been anything.

Maybe it's time for a come to jesus meeting OP telling him you want to discuss your future together and if he won't then tell him he's told you everything you need to know. It sucks to feel lonely in a relationship and it's no life to live.

The gaming could be substituted for just about any activity. I read to wind down, my husband games. However, I also enjoy gaming and have just switched off my ps4.

DH and I often don't sleep at the same time. We aren't home together during the week really, as he gets in after I've gone to bed and I'm out earlier than he gets up. We each do whatever we want with our time midweek.

But at weekends we spend our time together when we're home, be it watching football, playing games, watching boxsets etc. And we have more steady bed times. Although we don't actually sleep in the same bed, but we'll cosy up and watch a film in bed together, and I go into his bed on a Sunday morning and we watch match of the day together like that.

I don't begrudge him his time playing games. He has a stressful job and works ridiculously long hours. So I understand the need for a break.

Does he have to work these hours? Yes. It's not all the time. Probably around 70-80% he does. His job requires it right now. I can't work because of our visa situation. So he works to make sure we have enough. And I'm grateful for that.

I've tried to talk to him about it. But it's never the right time. And he manages to turn it into me attacking him or trying to make him feel bad. I don't. I'm
Really careful about how I talk to him.

I guess, I'm realizing how lonely I am. I don't have any friends near us because we just moved. So all I have are the kids and him. And with him being so busy, I feel alone.

I am going to talk to him tomorrow. My deepest fear is that we won't be able to get back what we had. That his use of porn is easier than reconnecting with me. And that maybe, we are just different.

Whose idea was it to be somewhere you couldn't work? Because he has cheated on you, shuts down conversation and doesn't hang out with you (let alone have sex).

I had to move to be with DH and I didn't know anyone and couldn't work. It was very hard. I volunteered and got out of the house. But he was also lovely about it because it was important.

gamerchick

so in a nutshell you know fuck all about gaming?

I admitted that so, well done on your powers of deduction. The reason I know feck all about it is, I think it is the preserve of saddos, you clearly don't. It is my opinion, they are like arseholes we all have one.

I also agree with the poster who says it is a checking out mechanism if it wasn't gaming it would be something else.

I m curious paranormalish about what hobbies you engage in?

Gamers are one of a few groups that its okay to mock, ridicule and generally look down your nose at. I've been a gamer for longer than a lot of people and I see no reason to stop.
Its like watching films, TV, reading a book, its escapism and fantasy, no more, no less.

Seems though that ridiculing movie fans, or people that stare at Netflix for 6 hours a day, or the sad fuckers that watch 10 hpours of soaps a week is never done, ridiculing gamers is fine though.

SaggyNaggy

Tennis, cycling, golf and walking the dog primarily. (age appropriate)

when younger Rugby, squash and triathlons.

I was being a bit tongue in cheek about the gamers, although I think the amount of screen time the younger generation rack up is a worry. Whether it is phone snapchat/instagram or whatever it is creating a swathe of society with few social graces and use of the phone is like a dummy.

Coming away from gaming and going back to the point about sleep/bedtimes; my DH is actually quite a stickler for us going to bed at the same time. At the beginning of our relationship I found it endearing, but as the years have gone by it's slowly driving me insane.

I am usually knackered after being up very early, going to work and taking care of the DC and I am often desperate to go to bed, and he'll say "Can you not just wait 5-10 mins till I've finished my drink?" So of course I do wait because his sulking if I just go just isn't worth it and by the time we do end up going to bed I'm starting to wake up again. He falls asleep almost instantly and I am left tossing and turning. It's an endless cycle which leaves me even more knackered and less inclined for a fumble when he suggests it.

My point, if I have one, is that going to bed at the same time does not guarantee a happy, contented, sex-filled marriage. As always, communication is the key.

Well fuck me. Mocking gamers and yet plays golf...
You're kidding right? Bunch of middle age arseholes wearing stupid clothes thi king they're "exercising". All that beutifull landscaping just so sad no hoped can hit a little ball with a stick? There should be kids playing in the sand, families having picnics on the fairways, not Roger from accounts in his short trousers looking for his balls. Pathetic.

(See how easy it is tonridicule other peoples hobbies? I could ridicule cycling too, road Hogging Lycra clad middle aged overweight people etc etc. But I won't. And tennis, over priveledged jerk off Poncey douche bags in their little clubs, affirs with the tennis coach, so cliche and middle class etc, but I won't. Just because I don't get the appeal doesn't mean I will ridicule those who do)

saggynaggy

No one can ridicule your hobby only you can do that.

btw you are quite right, they are all enclaves allowing me to avoid the 'lumpen herd'