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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know where to go from here.

26 replies

Itsoveralready · 12/09/2016 15:04

I've NC for this one but for the Past year certain stuff my DH has done has begun too concern me. We have 1 DC.

  • I didn't want sex and he kept trying to start it I said no. He then told me to fuck off and that I'm boring. When I told him how I felt apparently I need to get a sense of humour
  • we had an argument over something wedding related and he shoves the phone in my face and shouted " fucking cancel it all now"
  • he has lunged towards me in an argument and when I made him leave and told him he scared me he told me to not be pathetic.
  • and just now had a row over housework ended up with him raising his voice telling me I'm a cunt and he isn't no dickhead of the street so don't treat him like one.

It infuriates him more If i "answer back" and have my own opinion it's like he has always got to be right.

He will always end up apologising but I'm getting tired of it now of constantly feeling like I'm walking on egg shells. I've tried talking to him and it's good for a while and then the tiniest thing will make him explode.

I know what I need to do, but I suppose I'm hoping there's a magic a sentence I can say to make him be how he use to be.
I know he'd refuse to leave the house, and I have no friends or family and he's the breadwinner.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2016 15:21

I suppose I'm hoping there's a magic a sentence
The only sentence you need is - You are an abusive, nasty, bully and I want you to be away from me for ever more!!

You KNOW what to do so please do it.
It won't get any better.
If we wants to attend a course for abusers he can.
But he has to do that away from his victim anyway.
And it will take a long time for it to work on sink in.
And you know, if you are on here it only works in about 30% of cases.

Cut your loses and get away now.

Bananalanacake · 12/09/2016 15:40

When you say you have no friends or family is that because he has cut you off from them or is your family no longer with us, if it's the former then that is what abusers do to stop you from escaping.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2016 15:45

The "nice" him was an act designed to draw you in and have a child by him; this is what he is really like.

The nice/nasty cycle is being described here and that is typical of what happens in an abusive relationship. That cycle is also a continuous one.

I would call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; this is no life for you and your child. Your child is seeing you as his/her mother being abused by his/her dad. This marriage is now well and truly over.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/09/2016 15:47

You can't change him back - this is the real him, accept it or get rid asap

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 15:47

How old are you children and is he their father ? I'm assuming you have some as you say he's the " breadwinner "

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 15:48

Sorry I missed it, I see it's just one child

adora1 · 12/09/2016 15:55

You know he won't change and this is far from normal relationship behaviour, he's abusive and thinks it's ok to put you down and be verbally and physically aggressive, not right, not normal, only one answer I'm afraid, don't put up with it.

Original poster
Itsoveralready · 12/09/2016 15:59

It's only the past year he has been like this it suddenly came from the blue. And we've been together 6+ years. I guess I'm being pathetic and trying too fool myself that love conquers all and he can stop the outbursts. But I know deep down he won't.
DC is under one, I still work but he earns a lot more than me. I have no family or friends due to friends moving away etc and my family I wasn't in much contact before we got together.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 16:14

So everything was done until you got pregnant / your DC was born ?

And he was never violent, aggressive, controlling and verbally abusive of you before ? He was always considerate in bed, always did 50% of the chores , always respected your views and didn't mind you disagreeing with him ?

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 16:14

Sorry I mean everything was fine

mumndad37 · 12/09/2016 16:15

Classic abuse. They tend to start when they think you are vulnerable: with a new baby or pregnant. Your child is under one; fits the profile completely. Please get yourself away from him, and have your child with you!!

Costacoffeeplease · 12/09/2016 16:16

Pregnancy and the arrival of a child are major markers in the start of abusive behaviour - so actually, that's not a surprise, you're more vulnerable when you're pregnant or with a young baby

Costacoffeeplease · 12/09/2016 16:16

X post

Original poster
Itsoveralready · 12/09/2016 16:30

Yes kristina everything was honestly fine. It's like baby and wedding happened and something has switched in him. My nerves can't take it. I'll try to move away from have time out calm down and he's got to following and keep starting. It's like this is gonna sound really petty but when we've had words he will purposely do something I hate. Like sit their whistling his head off grinning. It's bizarre it's honestly came from nowhere. Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2016 16:33

Your child is under one; fits the profile completely
Yep - this is often when it starts.
Get out so it stops!

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 16:36

Classic abuser. You've stopped paying all you attention to him. And he thinks he can treat you like shit because you can't leave now .

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 16:50

Are you actually married to this man?

Original poster
Itsoveralready · 12/09/2016 16:54

I am married too him imperial Blush

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 16:54

Just seen you are.

Well, isn't he the stupid one then as what's his is yours.

You know you can't live with him, don't you? He sounds really awful. Do you have enough money for a month's deposit and a month's rent in advance?

nicenewdusters · 12/09/2016 17:09

Agree with many pp. Such a common time for the abuse to start. He's having to vie for your attention with somebody else (his child) and he knows that with a young child you're more vulnerable.

However, you're not trapped with him forever. You can leave. You can sort out the practicalities. You can also make new friends, get back in touch with old ones (easier once he's out the picture) and maybe restart things with your family?

He sounds potentially violent, he obviously has an explosive temper. The language he has used is disgusting.

Does he treat anybody else this way, or save his temper just for you?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 12/09/2016 17:12

Seek help from your local council. They can help with rent /deposit. Don't stay for financial reasons. Better to eat jam and bread than food through a straw in hospital.

Original poster
Itsoveralready · 12/09/2016 17:32

No I don't have enough for deposit or first months rent Sad
Nobody else gets this anger, ive said this before when someone else has pissed him off he directs it at me. I try speaking to him he either laughs or will apologise and slip back to his outbursts.
I somehow don't think he'd let me leave without a fight, he's made comments in the past such as
" I'd never leave you"
"I'd tie you to the radiator until you changed your mind" (joking of course he says)

You get the idea.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 12/09/2016 17:52

He's sounding more and more dangerous with each post OP.

Who says he gets to "let" you leave? You're not his property. You can leave whenever you like. He might not like it but that's another thing entirely.

I think you should phone Women's aid. Gradually disengage from him, start to sort out the practicalities. Stop looking at all the things that could prevent you from going, and look at the things that will enable you to leave.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/09/2016 17:58

"I'd tie you to the radiator until you changed your mind" (joking of course he says) *

He's not joking

Run

adora1 · 12/09/2016 18:02

Of course he's not going to let his punch bag leave that easily, you're the one person he can get away with it, make it the last time.