OW and my children

[intheairthatnightfernando]

Need advice everyone.

H left about 9 months ago and has set up home with OW. Kids have met her a couple of times. They are young and accepting and prepared to like her as daddy has told them how nice she is.

I have presented a very cheerful and coping front to my kids as I have been so anxious to keep them feeling safe and secure. I have normalised him no longer living with us, emphasised how much he loves them and what fun they have with them, told them I'm fine and run everything damn well. We are still in our home, he is bought out of the family house.

In return, he has treated me with contempt and disdain. Lied and lied, didn't admit OW, then told children he'd like them to meet her before telling me, then introduced her to them without telling me and every time I try to clarify the situation with him looks long-suffering and says 'I don't have to put up with this'. He is HATEFUL.

After not making much effort in first month or so, he is now keen to see the children. He sees them about twice a week. Quite happy when circumstances keep him apart from them for a fortnight on occasions, no daily interest or contact, but nevertheless does play an active role in their lives.

They've just moved in together. Kids visited and are full of happy chat about the new place. Full of happy chat about OW. I realise this is because I have been so positive about it all to them and made them think everything is ok. He is telling them the set-up is great, she is great. The kids are happy and accepting. This is all good and all down to my strength.

But WHAT ABOUT ME?? My heart is splintering! This woman is moving in on my children, I have to listen to their enthusiasm about it all and I am nearly cracking up. I have filled my life with lovely friendships and goals and activities. My life is not lacking. But these are my KIDS, I do everything for their welfare, I literally cannot stand to hear them talking enthusiastically about her.

What do I do? Just doomed to accept it and keep quiet and smile? They don't even realise daddy's done anything mean to mummy as I have hidden my feelings. I feel horrible H gets to do whatever the hell he wants (oh and he does) and I am disempowered as I HAVE to keep a brave, cheerful face on for the kids. And I've done it! But this latest bit is TOUGH.

By the way, kids are 8 and 5. I have no thought of saying anything to 5 year old. But I just wonder with my 8 year old. I am just finding it hard to perpetuate his lies. But will do anything for my kids obviously.

Good Morning intheair!
Did he give you their new address? If not I think that
you have the right to refuse that they pick up your kids from school/nursery. IMHO it would have nothing to do with bitterness or whatever twisted people might call it- it is more a reasonable step for your kids safety. I hope he did.
On a brighter sight,I wish you soon change your name to 'loveintheair'. If they continue being nice to your kids and willing to have them for full days/weekends (nights included) then that might help you building a new relationship. (In fact I am a bit envious of a friend of mine: she is a mum of 2 and remarried with a father of two; they have wonderful week-ends/holidays; they are alternatively the big happy family with the 4 kids and the young much enamoured childless couple. Both my friend and her current husbandare wonderful people- just like you- and their kids are happy to be with their exes and their new P. I know until such a dream comes true you will have to continue to be the only adult in this awful situation where they try to paint you as the vilain.) Have a nice day darling!

I am in awe of you!
I've found myself in this situation very recently. My DC are 6&5. He left (I threw him out) in June. They haven't met the OW. Yet. My LCB (XH) is determined to introduce them. Wanted to after a couple of weeks. She is (was) a friend of ours but not someone we saw with the DC.
I'm terrified.
I'm worried that my DC will struggle to process daddy having a girlfriend. They've barely started to process that the family unit has changed,
But, I'm mostly terrified that I don't have the strength to do what you're doing. I know that it's absolutely the right thing for the DC but, like pp, I feel like he's turned me into a liar just like he is because I can't tell them what's happened in an age appropriate way because there is no age appropriate way to tell your kids their daddy is a lying, cheating, selfish, greedy, hurtful, self centred arsehole; and it doesn't sit well with me at all.
I know it's inevitable. But I'm hoping she dumps him before it happens.

You are a bloody amazing woman! I find it extremely difficult to show enthusiasm for anything he does with them but I do it. I can't imagine having to pretend that I'm excited for them to be having fun with the woman who's responsible for the break up of our family. And they will have fun. He has left me on benefits and between them they'll be earning almost 6 figures.
God, you're amazing.
I will be bookmarking this to refer to when it's time for me to do this too.
Massive respect. Massive.

Did he give you their new address? If not I think that
you have the right to refuse that they pick up your kids from school/nursery.

She does not have any right to refuse this- he is their father and has parental rights just the same as hers unless their is a court order to the contrary (which I think OP might have mentioned). It's this kind of nonsense that sends people battling into the courts causing untold misery for the kids. I really hope that your positive and reasonable approach starts rubbing off on him and he responds with his address. It is unreasonable not to tell you, but there is clearly not a safety or child protection issue (unless you just haven't mentioned it) so I'd let him have his little, stupid game. If he does not improve - you could try mediation to iron out any agreements and plans about information sharing, contact etc rather than becoming adversarial.

Op I know that both you and your kids will both be so glad you took the moral high ground in years to come.

Your posts have had me really choked this morning but keep on keeping on you're doing the right thing

OP I just had to pop in and comment. My mum left my abusive father and despite all the things he did to her, she never once bad mouthed him or blocked access. But my sister, brother and I all worked him out all by ourselves over the years, and have nothing but love and respect for our mum for the way she handled things and put us and our needs first. I know it's a different situation to the one you are in, but I just wanted to point out that we all worked it out on our own.

The OW will NEVER replace you. Your kids may like her (as hard as that will be for you) but I promise you what they feel for her will never come close to what they feel for you.

And at the end of the day, it's better that your kids are happy and loved and cared for when they visit your ex.

You are amazing, and as your wonderful well adjusted children (ALL credit to you) grow older they will see their father and his woman for everything they are! .💜

Lovely, lovely messages. So nice to wake up to as had a shocker of a night.

He did text me the new address eventually. I can see why he was putting off doing so. The purchase date on it was two months ago so he bought with her before the kids had ever heard of her or met her, before I had worked out their relationship was in existence and has just lied and lied. This should not come as a surprise to me. It still does. Every time I find out another bit of the puzzle I am shocked all over again. It's very wearing!

I am struggling with fair/unfair. I can look around and easily see that life is not fair to many people. Then when it happens to you, it's hard not to just keep thinking 'this is not fair'. And it's not, but I just need to take it and channel my optimism back into people that deserve it.

I will read this thread a lot of times. You have made me feel strong and brave instead of forced into submissive victim role.

This is the biggest challenge.like lots of us on here it might find that after the initial revelations there will be more and more that comes out down the line-and usually just when you are feeling a bit better-something then happens or comes to light that might derail you again.
It isn't fair. Really it isn't.
The only consolation is that the more and more emerges about what a fucker he is, the more you can take solace in the fact that you are best off out of it, and additionally that by being the parent you are being, and doing your utmost to protect the children's currently unsullied view of their Dad you are doing what's best for them and are by far the bigger person.
They will form their own opinion later when they are old enough-and wether it's good or bad about their dad, it can only ever be good about you, because you have always and always will do what's best for them-even when it feels unbearable to you.

Like myfriend said regarding the puzzle that was your life with him.
When you are sure that you finally got the full picture and you are somehow in peace with it, you might realise that it does not add up and you will have to go through the emotional process all over again. But again just like myfriend said more disturbing facts you will uncover about 'him' easier it will be to detach yourself from him and refocus on who you are. And you are an amazing woman and mother. It is an ongoing and unfair process; only you can know the great will and pain you have to invest so taht your kids are not scarred.
I hope you will have a bit of time for yourself this evening when your kids are with them.

It's so, so hard. I've been charm personified to my ex, and positive about him and our nice post marriage 'Chris and Gwyneth' style relationship to friends and family. Truth is, I'm seething. He cheated on me repeatedly and was a complete lazy bastard when he was here, which wasn't that often as he was a workaholic. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for the kids, not myself. This isn't about us, it's about them, and I'm seething because he got off so lightly, when nobody would have blamed me if I'd put all his clothes in a bin liner and thrown them on the lawn. All I can say is that when they grow up, those kids better put me in the best goddam retirement home they can find! I know exactly how you feel OP, and it's hard to put it aside, but it's worth it.

I feel for you OP. It feels so hard to have all these overwhelming feelings ans STILL have to be the bigger person by not slagging your ex off to your children. You can and should try to do that as much as possible - it's the right thing to do for your children, and ultimately, for yourself. Think how proud of yourself you'll be in a few years that you never descended to petty spats and bitching. In the meantime, vent with trusted friends - or maybe a counsellor?

Your kids can and will work out the situation for themselves in time. My ex is a dick, particularly around money, and sometimes my heart breaks when she repeats his stories of why I should pay for everything - but she's nearly 12, and actually I think she is quite close to working him out. Also, if factually incorrect things are said to your children by ex and OW, you are allowed to correct them. But save the hurt and anger for a safe space, when the children are asleep.

It's 10 years later for me and I'm so glad not too much of my hurt was visible to my DD. 💐

Just echoing what others have said.
You sound like a lovely mother. A strong person and I'll bet a great friend to have.
Good luck.
With a character like that, you will be fine in time.