OW and my children

[intheairthatnightfernando]

Need advice everyone.

H left about 9 months ago and has set up home with OW. Kids have met her a couple of times. They are young and accepting and prepared to like her as daddy has told them how nice she is.

I have presented a very cheerful and coping front to my kids as I have been so anxious to keep them feeling safe and secure. I have normalised him no longer living with us, emphasised how much he loves them and what fun they have with them, told them I'm fine and run everything damn well. We are still in our home, he is bought out of the family house.

In return, he has treated me with contempt and disdain. Lied and lied, didn't admit OW, then told children he'd like them to meet her before telling me, then introduced her to them without telling me and every time I try to clarify the situation with him looks long-suffering and says 'I don't have to put up with this'. He is HATEFUL.

After not making much effort in first month or so, he is now keen to see the children. He sees them about twice a week. Quite happy when circumstances keep him apart from them for a fortnight on occasions, no daily interest or contact, but nevertheless does play an active role in their lives.

They've just moved in together. Kids visited and are full of happy chat about the new place. Full of happy chat about OW. I realise this is because I have been so positive about it all to them and made them think everything is ok. He is telling them the set-up is great, she is great. The kids are happy and accepting. This is all good and all down to my strength.

But WHAT ABOUT ME?? My heart is splintering! This woman is moving in on my children, I have to listen to their enthusiasm about it all and I am nearly cracking up. I have filled my life with lovely friendships and goals and activities. My life is not lacking. But these are my KIDS, I do everything for their welfare, I literally cannot stand to hear them talking enthusiastically about her.

What do I do? Just doomed to accept it and keep quiet and smile? They don't even realise daddy's done anything mean to mummy as I have hidden my feelings. I feel horrible H gets to do whatever the hell he wants (oh and he does) and I am disempowered as I HAVE to keep a brave, cheerful face on for the kids. And I've done it! But this latest bit is TOUGH.

By the way, kids are 8 and 5. I have no thought of saying anything to 5 year old. But I just wonder with my 8 year old. I am just finding it hard to perpetuate his lies. But will do anything for my kids obviously.

Oh thank you so much everyone. This thread has made SUCH a difference to my spirits. Been checking it regularly the last few hours (though couldn't post till I got back home) and I felt my shoulders straightening and my head lifting as I read all these supportive words. I actually mean that.

Thank you so much for taking time to post and give your views. Unanimous views. I can keep going and I can be that person, knowing I am doing the right thing. It makes a world of difference knowing there are women behind me, in the same situation or different, agreeing and encouraging me. It is so tough but if I know I am doing the right thing, the only way of doing it, I will somehow find that strength. He is so belittling towards me that I found myself feeling, he doesn't DESERVE me saying nothing. And of course he doesn't, but that is an immaterial by-product of me supporting my children.

I will keep on keeping on.

He belittles you for the same reason my ex belittles me.

He has to do this to justify why he left such a wonderful wife and mum.

If he acknowledged how amazing you are, he would also have to acknowledge what a selfish, self absorbed entitled prick he is.

So rather than face the truth, it suits him to minimise you.

Hope that makes some kind of sense x

cary is bang on.

Oh no that's not helpful to say she's not nice!!

I happen to adore my ex's partner. She's totally too good for him. I hated the previous one and she hated me (we had a civil teeth gritting while she made goading underhand remarks and I tried not to punch her) but even she was nice to my kids.

My ex is a better father with her around frankly (the latest partner) and I trust and like her. I have made a huge effort to meet her and be nice and not allow him to pollute us. I don't Like him all that much but I can see the positives. He's happy - kids happier. Partner is nice, she even does me favours now with the kids.

It can be good. And I am sorry you are hurting its not nice. Try to just keep focusing on what you are doing which is an amazing job, the hurt WILL fade. Promise xx

I meant to whoever said she's putting on a show. I think try to meet her at some point and be happy she's being nice to the kids. She will never replace you

Myusetname that is not my situation. She will never be a friend to me. She knowingly took on a married father of young children.

Those children know you're the centre of their worlds & the backbones of their lives. Their enthusiasm for this woman, who will be making a tremendous effort to gain their approval, is just like their enthusiasm for their best friend at school: a transient & part-time person in their lives. You can never be replaced, they'll know this more & more as they grow up. Hugs to you xxx

You've had some really great responses already and it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. The anger subsides eventually.

I have been there (still am 4 years on) and know how hard it is to smile sweetly through gritted teeth but I decided I love my kids far more than I dislike their dad and I want them to be happy and settled.

They will ask the odd question as they get older - my eldest has and you don't have to lie to them - mine wanted to know if his dad and his now wife met while we were still married as he moved straight from the family home and in with her. I just answered yes they did - no details discussed or asked for.

The chump lady website has a few articles on this if that helps.

Oh you lovely, wonderful creature you. Never ever doubt what you're doing is the right thing, no matter how much it hurts. And I know how much it hurts, it's gut-wrenching, I know. You are putting your children first and having been there, done that, and watched as my exH moved on quicker-than-quick (a date the evening I left the family home after a year of trying valiantly to make it work), I can look back, 10 years later, with my head held high knowing I dug deep and plastered on a smile when all I wanted to do is howl or slate him to kingdom come.

I didn't have an OW to contend with, but a new woman in my ex's life who he insisted on being there every single time he saw our son. And it broke my heart that a) I wasn't with my child all the time and b) when he wasn't with me, he was with them, playing happy families but with just me out of the picture. I thought I'd be replaced, that my child wouldn't want me, but only want them and their happy bubble, but do you know, he really didn't. Yes, he'd spend time with them, but he adores me, I'm his mum. It took every ounce of composure to just keep going and smile and not make sly comments or name call, but I did, and you will too. And every single day when you look at your beautiful, well-adjusted, happy, confident kids, you'll know you did the right thing. And that's all down to you. You kids are so lucky to have you.

PS. My son still has the same step mum. He can't stand her.
Ha.

You can't say never. You may have to see her over the next 20+ years. What if they have other children? It's too raw now. I don't know what advice I can really give as I cannot not try to do this. The other one that was my instant replacement I didn't like her but I still know I did everything I could possibly do to facilitate the best relationship we could manage. The kids never realised I didn't like her the entire time. I did it for them as it wasn't my place to sour their relationship with her and she was very good to them (in her own way)

I can come at it from the angle of the child.
My dad married the OW he had an affair with and my mother still cannot hide her hatred and hurt for this woman and what they did.
My stepmother was lied to by my dad about him still being married, although she still married him.
I've spent years never wanting to mention her name to my mum and I actually didn't go to their wedding because of my mum.
But now I am older I have made up my own mind about her and she's ok and she makes my dad happy. I know my mum and dad were not happy and she has always been kind to me. I think my mums bitterness taught me about compassion for the sake of the kids that's all

What an amazing, wonderful mother you are.

I was one of the children who this happened to, many years ago. My Mum never said a word against my DF or his OW. She would smile, nod and rise above it all.

As I got older, I realised what a tosser my DF was and ended up hating the OW. She was all sweetness to start with, until she realised that we were a permanent fixture in our DF's life and she couldn't just go away for the weekend when she felt like it. She had to share Christmas, birthdays and holidays. No fancy adult only holidays - family holidays with children she didn't really like. It didn't take long for me to realise what a witch she was and then I started to retaliate (as a teenager). I was quite horrible and made her life a misery at every opportunity.

Thinks calmed down as I turned into an adult. Never got on with her, but we tolerated each other, until my DF passed away. She has been on her own ever since and none of us bother with her.

Unfortunately, due to other different circumstances, I don't see much of my DM, but she taught me pride, to turn the other cheek and to ensure that no matter what happens, it's the children that count. I am now divorced (no OW), but I do my utmost to ensure I get on with Ex-H for the sake of our DS and we are both on the same page in terms of supporting him.

You are teaching your children some excellent values and they will realise more and more as they get older what an amazing mother you are. No one will ever take your place.

I'm really so moved by your post, Fernando, as are lots of others; If I could sprinkle some fairy dust & magick away someone's hurt today, I'd choose you.

You are definitely doing the right thing. I spent years unable to mention my DM or home life to my step mother and it was horrid. The fact that I had to studiously ignore a huge part of my life while I was with her and dad is a big part of why we aren't close. (If I even mentioned school friends coming over for a play date it was met with cats bum face.) The only time mum ever got angry was when dad favoured his other children over me, and (as an adult) I'm seriously impressed at the strength of character she showed. It was only in my late teens/early twenties that I fully realised how hard it was for her to see me playing happy families with dad and the OW.

You are their mother, she will never replace you. It really is that simple.

You sound like a fantastic parent. The psychotherapist I saw for a few sessions after my break up told me that the OW wasn't my secret to keep and that I should stop lying for my ex. I told my kids 8&12 gently after the oldest said "well dad won't ever have a girlfriend will he ? " I told them that he has a new girlfriend and that I was happy that he was happy but that I was very sad about the breakup. In hindsight I still feel a bit 'off' about having done this. It doesn't sit easily and I still feel I should have kept it all to myself, I just didn't want my kids to feel that I had also lied to them, which was why I ended up telling them. Anyway I just thought I'd tell you the flip side. Keep strong, you're doing fabulously

Myusername, read the OP. The OW knew that the poster's husband was married with young children and went ahead with a relationship with him. She will never be a friend of the OP and quite rightly so.

I'm not really coming across as I intended so I will step out. I've chosen to be friends with his partners as best as I can be and also been the child and seen how bad feeling can be harmful.

I think OP is doing a great job. I will bow out

Thanks PushingThru, and all the others, for such kind thoughts.

Tonight I feel a bit more at peace, despite him still not responding to yesterday's request for his new address before he takes the children off after school. I don't feel it's acceptable for me not to know where they are. Just another example of him disrespecting me.

You sound like a fantastic mother. You are rightly putting your children first and your feeling second.

The truth of the matter is whatever you think, whatever she does to win their hearts, you will always always come first to your children.
She's taking nothing away from you.

Another voice to say that you are doing a great job and absolutely the right thing for your kids. It will make so much difference for them growing up knowing they can feel safe and secure with their dad as well as with you. You should be really proud of what you have achieved already, despite what he has done. Stay strong.

OP sounds like you are being amazing. It's so bloody hard isn't it? I have been through similar. Keep on doing what you're doing

I would like to reiterate a pp about not lying to your children. Always knowing the truth about my parents' break up meant that I was never hit with a lightning bolt - the full reality dawned on me over a long period of time so I was able to process it properly. In fact, when I told my DBro (dads side) about it when he was 15 he did take a while to adjust. (In my defence I didn't know that he didn't know, but I still felt awful afterwards.)

I doubt she wants to be a mum to them. As a stepmum I've never wanted to be a mum to my dsc but i wasnt the ow so not quite the same. It's a good thing that they like her and that she treats them well. You're their mum and they'll never forget that . I know it's raw and painful but for your kids sake you've got to rise above it. Easier said than done