I'm not sure my boyfriend likes my children.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I've been seeing someone for a while, he's got 2 children aged 19 and 15 whereas move are 6 and 3. He's only met my children twice and they don't know he's my boyfriend. They're typical boisterous young children.

But I get the impression he's not keen on them. I've caught him pulling faces a couple of times, he's said he was a stricter parent than I am, and he's oddly bothered if my children are naked (he covers his eyes and can't look at them).

Is this something likely to change with time or am I fighting a losing battle? Someone who can't get on with my kids is an absolute dealbreaker so am I wasting my time continuing to date him?

Having now met your DC and experienced your very different parenting styles, you will probably find that he's quite happy to only see you once a fortnight without the children being there.

Hes ok for dating but as an actual relationship it's going nowhere.

And you need to rethink your boundaries.

No I'm not defensive, I'm just stating my thoughts. I'm not going to just LTB without talking to him about it. And I'm genuinely confused by all the references to me rethinking my boundaries.

I am however annoyed by the PP who claimed that boisterous means undisciplined without knowing me or my children

This is relationships not AIBU and frankly OP has been given a lot to be defensive about so far, not that I think she is being.

It will be difficult if he doesn't like the way you parent, is the bottom line.

I guess you need to decide if he is a casual boyfriend or potential partner with all that brings

You seem to be leaning to "casual" which is why it is just a bit jarring that of the two occasions he has met your dc, at least one of them involved their nudity and him making comments about not disciplining them

It doesn't sit right because it's a massive contradiction

Thinking someone is odd because they don't want to see strange children (your own children) shows your boundaries are very inappropriate. You've been told this and you still can't see why people are saying that? Your parenting standards are not ones to look up to.

He clearly doesn't like your parenting. And unless you are prepared to change that nothing will improve? But if he is going into this with a negative attitude that's half the battle already lost. Is he a kind of optimistic tolerant person?

I ended a relationship with a man because of our differences of opinions of parenting and he was their actual father. I couldn't live like that!

Not that you should change - but if that is one of his reasons for not being very enthusiastic then you will need to decide whether you want to change for his sake or stick with what you believe

I think it isn't about his wanting to discipline your kids or not, I think he has a 'been there, brought up younger kids, don't want to do it again' vibe maybe? which you're picking up on, so just perhaps you're reading more into how he is around your kids?

Personally, I love my adult kids, adore them. And I work with high school kids, they're great. But I'd run a mile if I met the man of my dreams and he had little kids...that's just me though. I really wouldn't want the restrictions of a guy with young kids, enjoy my freedom way too much.

I couldn't make a relationship work with someone who had been my closest friend for two years before we tried dating, for very similar reasons to these. She liked my son - and he liked her - but she didn't (always, sufficiently) like my parenting.

This post resonated for me -

"In fact, avoid any man who criticises your parenting as 'too soft'; they see your children as competition for your attention & they'll bring little happiness to your lives."

• although tbh in my case, the best part of a year later and I still can't decide whether she was objectively correct about my parenting flaws, or primarily jealous because she wanted me to indulge DS less in order that I could indulge her more. In the end, it doesn't matter which was true - it was hurtful and it was final.

Now OP has clarified, I think the nudity thing sounds reasonable btw. I have definitely known plenty of 3yo DC who enjoy wandering around naked and while I would probably expect a parent to tell them to put some clothes on in the presence of a guest, at that age I wouldn't necessarily expect them to be hurriedly bundled out of the room until suitably clothed. And no matter how the parent handled it, I would find the eye-covering act strange, yes.

I'd be dumping over the "I was much more strict than you" line, though - assuming the subtext was "and so should you be", which is my feel about it.

The first face pull at my kids and he wouldn't have come back again. My kids are hard work - they've both got autism - but there's no way I would be able to like someone who I caught doing that, any attraction they had held for me would evaporate in an instant.

Tigger I'm just going to say a big, defensive fuck you. How dare you say that about my parenting? What I meant was that I had already said I had taken on board what people had said about the nudity, yet people were STILL going on about boundaries. That's what I couldn't understand.

But feel free to judge me whilst being absolutely perfect.

Defensive? You bet I bloody am.

I think it might just be a case of forgetting how boisterous young kids can be. Especially when he may not have been the primary carer. I imagine that it seems like ages ago his DC were that age.

If he really didn't like them I'm sure he'd get out of the relationship.

My DC are 14 and 16 and I do sometimes find that my 3 yo niece a handful. I love her to bits, but she's quite a little madam.

Please think very carefully about this. An ex friend married a man that didn't like her DD. It did awful things to her DD's self esteem. It also made it clear to her DD where she stood in her DM's priorities.

I have experienced this, op. Dp and I had a very shaky start with my two, who were 5 and 3 at the time, and people on here told me to get rid of him. Fast forward 4 years, and everything is fine. They're a bit older, all used to each other and the relationships are brilliant. It was tough there for a while, and I honestly thought it would be the end of us. I had to keep reminding him of the boundaries and there was even a period of a few months where they didn't see him.

You have to keep an eye on it, but it worked out for us.

Thank you PinkJenny. Nice to hear a success story.

We had similar circumstances. His dc were teenagers, and I think he came straight in trying to be a dad to my two as well. It didn't work. They have a dad. His relationship with my ds, the younger of the two was very worrying to start with, they just seemed to rub each other up the wrong way, and dp had no tolerance at all. Ds found football, and I swear to god, it changed their relationship, presumably it just gave them a common ground to work from. Ds worships him now and dp is always having a go at me for being too hard on him. But if things hadn't improved, yes, it would have had to be the end.

It doesn't bode well that he's not making much of an effort with your dc. I would not break up with him but I'd take it slow. If he's not interested in any kind of relationship with your dc, there wouldn't be any future for me.

I had this in reverse (sort of). He was mad keen on the kids when they were small and looked up to him. We got together, got married, the kids became teenagers and argumentative - and he just stopped talking to them/interacting with them completely. So maybe it's better your way round, OP, at least you know where you are at the start...

Why is he meeting the DC so early on anyway?

I think it's best just to keep him as an ocassional companion and well away from the children

How long have you been dating? And what were the children doing when he was pulling faces?

Context is everything.