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Relationships

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Original poster

I'm not sure my boyfriend likes my children.

72 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/09/2016 14:32

I've been seeing someone for a while, he's got 2 children aged 19 and 15 whereas move are 6 and 3. He's only met my children twice and they don't know he's my boyfriend. They're typical boisterous young children.

But I get the impression he's not keen on them. I've caught him pulling faces a couple of times, he's said he was a stricter parent than I am, and he's oddly bothered if my children are naked (he covers his eyes and can't look at them).

Is this something likely to change with time or am I fighting a losing battle? Someone who can't get on with my kids is an absolute dealbreaker so am I wasting my time continuing to date him?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 11/09/2016 15:17

What are you looking for in this relationship?

Are you hoping to live together/get married some time in the future or do you just want to enjoy 'dating'?

If you are looking for commitment then he is probably not the right person for you. My DC are older teenagers and to be brutally honest I am not too keen on spending extended periods of time with young children .

PushingThru · 11/09/2016 15:18

Dump him pronto. In fact, avoid any man who criticises your parenting as 'too soft'; they see your children as competition for your attention & they'll bring little happiness to your lives.

VioletBam · 11/09/2016 15:18

If he's only met them twice then why on earth would he even SAY "I don't want to start disciplining your boys"???

They're 6 and 3! It's fine for them not to reply sometimes.

Of course he won't say he dislikes them.

In my opinion, a potential partner worth his salt would be bending backwards to come across as positive to the kids.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/09/2016 15:22

Is he a fair bit older than you as well? Maybe he's just coming at it from a "different times" angle too.

But tbh, it doesn't bode well - he has a different approach to parenting, and whether yours is too lax for him, or his is too strict for you, doesn't really matter - it's going to cause clashes. If your boys are very boisterous and on the wild side, and he doesn't think you do enough to curb them, then he's not going to want to spend much time with them, especially if they don't respond to his overtures of friendliness.

So in all honesty I'd say sack it off now. Find someone who is more able to engage with your boys and your way of bringing them up.

FWIW, my DH isn't at all comfortable with our 8yo DS running round the house naked either - he started to get uncomfortable about it when Ds1 was around 6. I have no idea why.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/09/2016 15:36

Do your children like him, OP? I mean in relation to the face-pulling. Ask them. Children are excellent barometers of whom they like and don't like.

If your children have a relationship with their dad and visit him regularly, can your boyfriend be restricted to visiting only then?

Personally, I would cool it off, find out what my children think and then act on that because you'll either do that now or reap the outfall (if there is one) later. Your children are going to be with you for a while as they are young

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 11/09/2016 15:39

Tbh, I have 2 children aged nearly 18 and 10. I wouldn't want to go out with someone who had a 6 and 3 year old either.

Or rather, I might be quite happy dating them, but I wouldn't want to be involved with their children too.

My days of under 10s and pre schoolers are definitely over.

He should be honest with you if that's how he feels too, although, maybe he is only just realising this if he's only met them twice.

TeaPleaseLouise · 11/09/2016 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2016 15:47

I agree with the PPs. Once your children have grown up it's very hard to think of going back to living in a restricted way, with babysitters and going to the park and all that. Some people might really like that but it sounds as though he doesn't.

ayeokthen · 11/09/2016 15:52

What VioletBam said. I'd be running at that comment as I'd hear it as "I do want to discipline your children but I'm not sure you'll put up with it yet".
That would be enough to make me end it. DP and I both came into our relationship with children, and have had 2 more together. We talked over our parenting styles and have always had a united front when it comes to all aspects of parenting. The threat to discipline children he barely knows is really creepy and quite intimidating I think.

Cabrinha · 11/09/2016 16:07

I have the 6yo my fiancé the late teens. He likes kids in general (not a given just cos you have your own - some still don't really like kids, some only their own) which was a positive. But after he met mine he was laughing and saying "she's so funny, does she ever stop talking? I can see where that's from - ha ha - she's fab!". Very natural and genuine.

As it happens, down the line we have discussed our different parenting styles - and we can live with that. He could have fucked off if he'd said he didn't want to discipline my child on date 2 / 3. How come he's even met them?

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/09/2016 16:08

When he said he didn't want to discipline my children I 100% believe him. I can't be bothered to go into specifics but he doesn't want to parent my children. He understands if he wants to see me more than once a fortnight he has to see me with the boys.

OP posts:

RoganJosh · 11/09/2016 16:11

How exactly did the face pulling come about? What was it in response to, and what sort of face? That doesn't sound great, as it stands.

PushingThru · 11/09/2016 16:13

There's a lot there about what he does & doesn't want to do. I think you need to have a think about what you want, is right for you & your children & whether he's going to be compatible with that.

Seeyouontheotherside · 11/09/2016 16:21

When parents describe their children as 'boisterous', it usually means undisciplined and not taught how to behave appropriately for their age. Most people, even those who like children, are not remotely endeared by the behaviour of children parented like that.

Luvjubs · 11/09/2016 16:22

It would be a deal breaker. I couldn't be with someone who's kids were enough to make me pull faces/parenting was not similar to mine/kids were allowed to be naked in front of stranger (meeting someone twice is still a stranger)
:D
Tongue in cheek I know, but he could be having the same thoughts and you coulf have quite and amicable parting

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 11/09/2016 16:26

Following your latest post, dump him. It is not going to work. Your children are 3 and 6, it will be a long time before they will be independent and move out of your house. It would be bad judgement to be in a relationship with someone who has no interest in your children.

Cabrinha · 11/09/2016 16:31

Can your boys' father not have them more often? Once a fortnight is pitiful.
Not for the sake of this boyfriend or any other, but for YOUR sake. Only seeing someone without kids once a fortnight is very restrictive on you have time to develop a new relationship.

nicenewdusters · 11/09/2016 16:33

Yeah, I'd call it a day now. He sounds like he's going to be hard work and you'll become paranoid around your kids. They'll pick up on this, start to dislike him (especially if he's pulling faces - itself very childish) and the whole thing will be a nightmare.

Only1scoop · 11/09/2016 16:34

He will put up with seeing them to see more of you. IMO I don't think this relationship is heading anywhere.

If I'm honest if my DC had grown up I wouldn't want to be seriously moving forward with someone with little ones.

The 'discipline' thing speaks volumes, I'd cool things down.

skyyequake · 11/09/2016 16:41

He might not want to discipline your kids but once you become more comfortable in the relationship he's gonna end up in your ear with "i wouldn't do that with my kids" and pulling faces at your parenting style, he may even end up telling you what you "should" be doing even if he's not doing it himself

I couldn't be with someone who disagreed with my parenting style but it's up to you to decide if that's something you can live with

LineyReborn · 11/09/2016 16:43

(A) dump him

(B) to be fair, you did originally say 'he's oddly bothered if my children are naked (he covers his eyes and can't look at them).' So not just the 3 year old.

Boundaries. Yours. Think about it.

merville · 11/09/2016 16:59

I actually find it downright weird that he covered his eyes and couldn't/woudn't look at a 3 yr old boy who was running around without his nappy/underwear on. Would he cover his eyes if he was on the beach and naked/half-naked 3 yr olds were running about, as they often do?
Did he think he would look bad/pedo-y if he looked? It's just really odd.

That mind-boggles/bothers me, without even getting into that his parenting style is different from yours and it seems like he can't be arsed with the boisterousness (not a word I know), noise etc. of young children.

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/09/2016 18:00

Ok I'm not going to dump him without talking to him about it. Yes my children are boisterous, no they are NOT wild and undisciplined. No, I will not tolerate someone telling me how to parent my children. Yes, I will endeavour to keep my children clothed when relative strangers are about. No, my shitbag of an ex won't have the children any more than he does, despite stamping his feet about how it wasn't enough contact, he's never once in 18 months asked if he can have them more often.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/09/2016 18:06

Gast, you seem a tad defensive. If you lay your situation out here, you might not always agree with the responses. It doesn't mean they aren't valid. If they don't apply, then they don't apply. No need to get arsey about it.

PacificOcean · 11/09/2016 18:11

Give it a little more time. Disliking your children is a deal breaker, but it doesn't sound to me like he's done anything that bad so far..?

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