Hello all. Very new to this, I'm Jess. Looking for a bit of relationship advice really, as I'm in a situation which, although not dangerous, is causing me significant distress.
I have been in my current relationship for 9 years. OH is my only serious relationship, and the person I lost my virginity to, the only person I have slept with.
I grew up in an unstable, emotionally abusive and neglectful home, so when I met OH at 17, I was beyond happy to know a kind of love that was unconditional, kind and supportive.
To begin with, we were inseparable. We loved being in each others' company, went on long hikes just to talk to each other, and he showed interest in a lot of things that I like.
We have been through a lot of challenges together, divorces, deaths in the family, my own anxiety disorder, him losing his job.
We recently bought a house together, and everything seems perfect on the outside. We began to start thinking about starting a family.
The only problem is, I have this niggling doubt that it's not right. Although he's a very handsome chap, our sex life has never been fantastic. Nevertheless, at the start, with work, for the first 2/3 years we made it work, having sex once a week. I have a fairly strong sex drive, but his is very low. We now have sex once a month or less, and it is clear that he really doesn't enjoy it. I have tried many different ways, asking him what he likes and doing that (usually focusing on him). After he is done he rolls over and falls asleep and I am left frustrated.
Recently he confided that he only had sex with me at the start to 'keep me happy', and that he doesn't enjoy it and would be fine if we never had sex again.
This really shocked me, and had a big effect on my self-esteem. I wanted to find ways to make myself more attractive to him - more makeup, clothes, trying to inspire a little bit of jealousy by having an active social life. I feel like a terrible person for wanting to make love to my partner - when I try to initiate, (perhaps once a week) he says 'not again! Is that all you think about?' or tells me he's too tired or too stressed. He's fairly affectionate apart from this, cuddling (although he hates kissing).
It is a similar thing in other areas of our relationship too. He no longer 'fakes' interest in any of the things we used to do together, like hiking, and if I suggest going on a day out together he will sulk and say he hates doing things. He has said to me that he 'just wants an easy life' and wants to relax at home after a hard week, rather than doing things together. I understand this is because he has a stressful job (he's a teacher), but it has meant we have lost our connection as we never do anything together.
He hates going out, doesn't drink, and spends all of his free time on video games to unwind. I have talked to him and mentioned wanting to do more things together as I'm worried our relationship is in trouble, but he just says that this is how relationships go after a while, and that 'you shouldn't have to put in as much effort' as you do at the start.
I try to help him out with his stress as much as I can. I cook our dinner every night, do all of the washing and ironing etc, and other than that leave him to it. But I now feel resentful, like what he really wants is a mum or a housekeeper and not a girlfriend.
I have been going to counselling at Relate for a few months, and have asked him to come, but he has refused, saying 'he would rather split up'. A couple of months ago I told him that I needed to fulfil my desires for connection, not just sexually, but emotionally, and rather than working on it, he suggested we enter into an open relationship, and that I sleep with other guys, 'if sex is so important'.
I love my OH - what should I do? Utterly lost.