How do I tell my Mum?

[pullingmyhairout1]

My Mum is a narcissist. She also emotionally manipulates until she gets what she wants. I am an only child, and whilst she has helped me over the years emotionally and financially (multiple redundancies in short space of time) this help has always come with strings such as she expects me to 'toe the line' and for the most part I have for a quiet life.

This time I can't though. My eldest has been bullied horrifically the last year, and my ex has started damaging my vehicle amongst other things. Both are at the point where we can no longer live where we do so I have agreed a let on a property 25 miles away which gets my son out of this cesspit of a place. I have broached the subject of moving with my Mum and she is adamant my son should not run away from his problems. Given that the Police have advised us that they won't go and see the parents because it will escalate the problem and my son's school are powerless I disagree with my Mum so I am going. I have to tell her though. Can anyone give me an idea of how. I am ultra stressed by this. I know writing to her will piss her off more than face to face but face to face is going to be mega nightmare and she will go nuclear.

cheeky I should have staged nc when my son was small. Tbh I'm never going to have a relationship with her that is healthy so she is better off out of mine and the kids lives.

Not staged, stayed

Have you moved away yet?

You really don't have to answer the phone to anyone at all, especially people who are going to affect your mental health and peaceful life.
You don't have to talk to her
You don't have to justify yourself
You don't have to read FaceBook, please ask your friend not to pass anything from your mother on to you

You deserve a happy life with your DC and this is the first step towards it

Good luck and keep talking here. LOTS of people know what you are going through

Being scared of how my mum will react is something I've also struggled with all my life. So much so that when I went for counselling after my divorce I ended up talking much more about my mum than my exh.

It happens because the parent never makes the transition from parenting a child to parenting an adult. So she think she can still tell you what to do and won't accept that you don't actually have to do it because you're an adult.

The way to deal with it is to start treating them like a child instead. So rather than asking their permission you just tell them. If they have a tantrum you deal with it like a child's tantrum - so tell them that you won't speak to them until they've calmed down etc (prob don't need to use the naughty step but you know..)

Other than 'what she'll think and say' what are you scared of? I realised that actually it doesn't matter what she thinks. If she doesn't like something I'm doing..well that's her problem not mine. I just tell her the facts and then switch my mind off from worrying about what she thinks.

I've had a few difficult conversations with her where I've stood up to her and although she didn't like it it doesn't affect me as much any more. I just remind myself - as long as I'm sure of what I'm doing it doesn't matter what she thinks.

If she really does want to go NC (she won't but she'll threaten it) then see it as a breath of fresh air, ignore all contact (remind her that she's meant to be ignoring you!) and use the time to reassess how you want your relationship to be in the future. A good parent would support you in any decision you make even if they didn't agree, as long as it makes you happy. Perhaps point that out to her.

Take a breather now. It sounds like quite complex, controlling family dynamics. Settle yourself into your new life/home and then see if you could try and get a few cognitive behavioural therapy counselling sessions under your belt. You want nc but sounds like you are terrified of it too. CBT can help to change your thought processes which may have been screwed up over the years by your mum.. once your thought processes are healthier with regards to your parents then your whole life will get much better.

" Tbh I'm never going to have a relationship with her that is healthy so she is better off out of mine and the kids lives."

It must be a big thing to realise that.

There is nothing wrong with thinking of yourself & your kids.

There's an expectation that we must see our parents/family under any circumstances, isn't there?

Hope that you manage to get some counselling if necessary to reassure you.

I've been NC with my 'D'M (and Dsis) for 3 months now. Best thing I ever did! I no longer worry about what my DM will think as she's no longer part of the equation. I generally feel so much more relaxed! You will do too once you're settled in the new place.

Good luck with your wonderful new start, new home, new school and new strength!

As already said, you don't have to answer the phone.

Make the move, keep contact to a minimum if you don't want to remain NC and enjoy your new home.

I know it isn't easy, I should have gone NC much earlier with my parents. Not doing so effected my health due to the stress.

You will likely notice a drop in your anxiety levels as soon as you've moved. Don't give her an opportunity to stress you again.

onwards and upwards

diddl It is terrifying. She uses money as a way of control and has helped me out in the past when I have been made redundant, etc but there are many strings attached. It has taken me a long time to realise that parents don't do that and I am trying my hardest not to be anything like her with my two.

The frustrating thing is I walked away from her before when I was much younger and prior to children and it was much easier. Mind you no social media and mobile phones then.

heyday that is exactly how I feel. I am desperate to go NC but at the same time terrified.

Stress wise it has been a very stressful year or so to be honest so this just ups my anxiety levels even more. I have been ill over it (hospitalised) - nothing to do with her - now I just need to take a breath.

What are you terrified of exactly?

Aussiebean Honestly I don't know. I have lived without her before, and I know I can live without her now it's just bloody hard when you have no other relatives.

I have some good really good friends thankfully but all I have in the area is my work and kids.

Congrats on making these positive decisions. It will show your kids that their mum is strong, and won't be pushed around by anyone. Also that their needs come first with you, and well before those of bullies and difficult relatives.

I actually wonder if your mum has deliberately kept you close - and intimidated - in order to retain contact with her only grandchildren? She has more to lose than you. She's played a risky little game, and has lost.

You might be right. My youngest adores her but my eldest thinks she's selfish. I think he's quite astute.

Moving to a new area will keep you all busy: friends to make, new routines and places to go - what's your mum gonna fill her gaps with? id rather be you than her, for sure!

Could it be that you are scared of the move ( and quite rightly, it's a big Unknown) but this has also happened and a lot of the fear of the move has transferred to fear of nc?

The problem I see with going NC with parents who have helped with money or child care or DIY or anything for that matter is that the day may come when you need that support again or in another form.

I see a lot of posts on Mumsnet where parents particularly the Mum/Gran is accused of being narc. I often wonder if an adult child who is borrowing or taking money from a parent realises that this is opening the door for the parent to become "in charge" again. I have a sib. who is constantly wanting a bit of financial or materialistic help, who criticises the DP but still wants the handout.
If you go NC you will forever be cutting off any assistance from DP and perhaps other family members.
It is a fine balance to get family help/independence right.
Just my thoughts

Use this house move to your advantage. Do it in the way that makes her go maximum ballistic so she stops talking to you. Don't chase her at that point. Just leave it. Freedom!!!

Just move and let her know when you've done so. You don't need her permission and it's your son.

The problem comes when you need her assistance in the future, so I'd make sure I didn't ask even if I was in a bind.

TheBouquets I understand where you are coming from but I have never asked them for a penny. You're right it did open the door back to them being in charge. I hated every minute of it. I could tell you some stories that would make you question my sanity with allowing them in my life.

This time I am moving far enough away for them to never be in a position to be able to help. The only other family I have is my 90 year old nan who lives with them and my children. So other family assistance is a moot point.

I'm not going to defend my views of my mother. My eyes were truly opened to her ways a few years ago by my friend who works in CBT. Ironically I could probably do with some sessions.

I recognise I probably come across as a heartless cow but I am so exhausted by my mother's ability to turn everything into a drama to ensure everyone fawns around her and feels sorry for her.

On this occasion if she cannot see this is about my boy and not her she is going to have to jog on. My son has to live, ando make his own way on this planet for the next 80 years. He is way more important than my cats bum face mother.

Now if someone could remind me of that the next time I suffer an anxiety attack I'd be grateful.

RunRabbit I have. I think I'll have peace for 2 years.

SandyY2K I think I'd rather stick hoto needles in my eyes. Ironically I've never asked her to help me, ever. At least now they'll be no offering that she can get offended at when I refuse her help.

"If you go NC you will forever be cutting off any assistance from DP and perhaps other family members."

Plenty of people don't have assisstance from family for various reasons.

There are always friends & neighbours-it doesn't have to be family.

pullingmyhairout I am not sure what I feel about my situation with Sib. I don't ask for anything but the other one does and gets it. I feel left out on the one hand and fiercely proud that I get by without asking.
The NC thing is what we get if we are not fast enough in supplying what is being requested. Then I get the weepings and wailings about how could the Sib. do this to us all.
Can I be really brutal? When my generation is all that is left the Sib will be getting nothing and better never darken my door. I comes across to me as sheer bullying from the Sib.
I would ask anyone thinking of going NC to be very sure that they are as perfect as they think their parents should be.

I am far from perfect but I cannot live with constantly being treated like a child and constant sulking and silent treatment because I dared to have my own opinion. My Mother causes me enough anxiety to make me ill. If it was anyone else in your life would you accept that?

I don't need or want her money or help. I lived abroad with two children for many years with no assistance financially, emotionally or otherwise.

I think our experiences are vastly different and that it would be hard to compare or understand.

My dh has a wonderful relationship with his parents but they are in no position to give us anything.

The emotional toll of keeping someone toxic in your life purely for financial gain is not a good idea. Toxics use money as a tool to have control over you so it is better to live month to month then be constantly reminded how you 'owe' them.

Get yourself moved, settled then look into social groups in the area. You will be fine without her hanging over your head.