I can't stand my DSis - how do I stop it from consuming me?

[TruffleHeart]

I strongly dislike my Sister and it's becoming all consuming.

We fell out last year after she behaved in an appalling way. It was then that I realized that she's just a deeply unpleasant person. She's shallow, controlling, manipulative and nasty. I have nothing in common with her. To add to that, she puts me down and belittles me whenever she gets the opportunity, constantly rolling her eyes and making jibes about me under her breath when we're in company.

Trouble is, she has a DD who I adore. I have to stay in touch with her to be able to spend time with DN. She is a lazy parent, and I worry about DNs upbringing, but I daren't say anything to her or she will bite my head off.

My parents are deeply worried about her, but they support and enable her bad behaviour because they love her. They parent DN more than she does. Occasionally they will admit to me that they disapprove of her behaviour, but other times they will refuse to hear a bad word against her.

I find myself constantly comparing myself to her, and seething silently. Occasionally I rant to my DM, but it always ends in an argument. I know that it's the wrong thing to do.

Last week I achieved something big in work, and really made a difference. I posted about it on FB with some pictures, and told my friends about it in the pub because I was so chuffed. Later on, I asked my DN whether her Mum had told her what I'd done (it's to do with something that interests DN), and she said "Oh yeah Mum said Aunty Truffle was going on about it". That was it - she fucking disparaged me to my DN.

DN has recently developed an attitude problem. She answers back to me and calls me names (she's 8). I won't stand for it, but I recognize all of the disparaging things that she says to me as stuff that she has heard her mother say. She knows me and her mother don't like each other, and this is how she is expressing it.

Meanwhile today, I've opened my Facebook to see yet another attention seeking selfie from her, with the obligatory 'You look lovely hun' comments. She's so fucking narcissistic it drives me nuts.

How do I let go, step back, and stop caring about the fucking car crash that is her life. It's eating away at me and I know it's not healthy.

It's like you get a perverse satisfaction from her behaviour I think you're right in some way there. The worse she behaves, the more I hope my parents will finally 'see' her for what she is and stop enabling her.

I know that's futile - they'll never stop supporting her financially or otherwise because they're her parents. I know they'd do the same for me if I needed it. But equally I think she ought to be allowed to feel the consequences of her mistakes rather than be able to do whatever she wants and know that there will always be a cushion there for her.

I can try to disengage as much as possible, and stop the triangulation of talking to my DM about her - but how do I stop feeling so bloody riled up whenever I see her bad behaviour?

The whole dialogue about your employment achievement was an example of an exchange with a tenuous 'reason' at best, you went fishing for a compliment from someone you knew where it wouldn't be forthcoming I know the way I've described it, it sounds like that. But it really wasn't. There were some cool pictures that I'd hoped DN had seen, that's why I asked her. I certainly wasn't looking to DN to praise my achievement, but I wanted her to see and learn from the pictures. It stung to realize that my DSiS doesn't sit there with her going "Ooh look what Aunty Truffle has seen" but instead just moans about me in front of her.

FWIW, I never, ever bad mouth my sister to my DN. I fully appreciate how damaging that would be.

I come from a family with a similarly indulged/enabled sibling. Fortunately he has no children (or partner)

Stop waiting for your parents to see her as she is. Your parents rose tinted glasses are thick and strongly affixed. They will never stop enabling her

If she is drinking and driving then ffs report her. Every time.
If she is locking out your DNiece so she can fuck strangers then report her to SS.

FWIW, I reported my brother to the police. I told him exactly what i was going to do, and when, and why. He had 7 days to resolve the issue.
He thought I was bluffing.
Dino never bluffs.
Then I did it.

He went ape shit at me. How dare I be such "an interfering controlling cunt"
And guess what, he resolved the issue.
And after 6 weeks we are back on speaking terms.

What was your big fall out about last year?

I'm sorry for your infertility. That must be extremely painful for you. Would you consider other options for motherhood?
It sounds like you are very jealous of your sister and constantly criticising her parenting (Although she has clearly done some dreadful things.)
Have you talked to her about drink driving?

I have a sister that I don't like. I have agreed with my parents that we don't talk about her, and they don't talk about me to her. I think she is a dreadful human being, but they love her (as they should). You can hide her feed, then go into her profile and look at photos so they don't just appear and annoy you in weak moments.

By the sounds of it your sister would welcome offloading her daughter. So perhaps you could agree a set time each couple of weeks were you can spend one on one time with your DN. Make sure you're 'busy' for any dreaded family meals or tolerate 1 in 4 events, which will help you detach.

Could you offer to have your DN for the weekend every so often? Then you get to spend time together and protect her from strangers. I think she is put at significant risk from this behaviour but unfortunately SS can't do much unless something really did happen, God forbid.

The difference in behaviour in private and public is very telling. As if she has to be Top Sibling in front of others. She does sound really immature and you are getting sucked in every time. Stop.

Disengage with dsis and concentrate on DN. She will soon stop the cheek if you gently remind her each time she is rude. If you live close enough you could do lots on a regular basis. But don't let dsis know you enjoy it or she will soon put a stop to her visits.

I have a sis who I have had to go incredibly low contact with. Just this year, I have realised at the ripe old age of 39 that there has never been a day when she hasn't dominated, manipulated or controlled a part of my life. Its liberating to finally be free of the feelings at last.

I no longer follow her on any social media, I don't make the effort to constantly keep the lines of communication between us open. It took her six months to realise I hadn't messaged her in any way.

I think minimal contact is the way to go. I have learned more about her awful behaviour today, which I can do nothing about. I know from bitter experience that trying to talk to her about it results in her biting my head off and pushing me further away. So there's really nothing I can do.

I need to develop some stock lines for when her drama lands at my door, or when my DM despairs of her.

She is self-destructing
She won't listen to anything anyone tries to tell her
We love her but we won't be a part of this awful behaviour

I think that is all I can do.

I have a sister who is pretty awful, and a niece that I feel very sorry for. Her parents enable her massively, as they are afraid otherwise they will lose contact with dn.

I have just had to accept that I can't do anything for dn, and I have to let go of her. Sister will always use her to further her own narc agenda, and I don't have room for that in my life.

It is sad for dn, but unfortunately she was born to the mother she was born to and there's not much we can do about that.

I now have essentially no contact with sister.

I think you badly need to disengage too. To imagine a wall between your sister and you and let her comments bounce off that impervious wall.

But you also need to stop paying for her. To avoid situations where you might have to, and if she complains, say that you don't want to lose any more money. She'll hate it but by drawing a line, you're not enabling her awful behaviour any more. She sounds like she's going to drag everyone into her drama that she can. You are entitled, and should, draw your own lines about how far you're willing to go.

But.

Your biggest problem here isn't your sister. It's your parents

my parents were hysterical and told me I HAD to stand by her. They believed I should stop speaking to all of the people that DSis had stopped speaking to, and I shouldn't socialise with them any more. I refused to do so, particularly when she was a bitch to me and told me she didn't need me. My parents told me I was a bad person for not taking her side.

This is not 3rd grade. You don't, when you're adult, have to say 'if my friend/sister isn't speaking to you then I'm not'.

it's awful to call you a bad person for not standing by someone who is drinking and driving and who brings men home and shuts out their onw daughter so she can have a shag.

Your parents are trying to draw you into condoning this and I have a suspicion that a lot of your frustration and (natural) overinvolvement come because you feel that you are being put in the position of very second best (or worse) and that they are favouring her.

(I could be reading too much into this ofc. But the incidents you've described, taken at face value, are BAD - drinking & driving, shutting your 8yo child out of the house so you can have a shag. No decent person enables or condones this).

You're absolutely right, I agree that my parent's attitude is a big part of the problem. They have got better - my DM usually now refuses to discuss her with me whereas my DF still defends her. He bails her out financially constantly, and if I say anything, he tells me that it's not her fault she has no money (she's a single mother, through choice, but earns more than me), and that the only reason I have enough money is because I'm 'tight' (I am careful with my money, have never been in debt, and only buy what I can afford - which, ironically is exactly how my parents brought me up, but now see fit to criticize). My parents announced last week that they want to buy her a house, because the council house that she's currently living in isn't good enough for her (it's lovely, and way bigger than any house she could afford). They're taking her and DN on holiday because she can't afford to do it herself (she could if she saved her money like other normal people). You get the picture.

I need to disengage but I also need to learn a coping strategy so that it doesn't consume me. I worry about her constantly, and I'm filled with negative thoughts about her latest behaviour. I learned more today about what she has been up to, and I feel that my parents should know. I have the urge to offload all of this to my mother, which I know is a bad idea.

How do I cope with all of that?

They also play mind games with me. My Sister's favourite Passive Aggressive move is to say darkly that I have done things in the past which she will never forgive me for - but when I ask her to tell me what I've done, she shuts down the conversation with "I'm done talking about this now". She does this frequently.

My DF did it the other day - in public, with lots of friends around us. My Sis said something nasty to him, so he said "Dont forget I've helped you out lots, and I know lots about you, stuff that TruffleHeart doesn't know". It was said for my benefit, but also for the benefit of those around us. I have no idea what he was talking about, but it has played on my mind ever since. I can't imagine what could be worse than what I already know.

I too have a sister I no longer have contact with - she's just a horrible person. I felt like you did about her two kids, and it's a really difficult situation but your sister's child is at least being cared for by your parents, so you know there's a good influence there. If you can just see your DN when she's with your parents then best to do that and avoid any reference to your sister. The DN will know you are there for her. Some people are just horrible, even family members, and not worth the effort. Agree with PPs about reporting any dangerous behaviour to the police and then standing back from it.

You are still engaging, forget about what she may have possibly done in the past or what she may never forgive you for, just get on with your own life.

Unfollowing your DSis on Facebook, don't discuss her with your parents if they bring it up "oh you know how she is" and yep minimise contact.

It took 13 years for SIL to slip up with PIL and for them to see just how nasty and selfish she can be. It hasn't really changed the dynamics that much because we stepped away a few years previously for our sanity. However it is clear that she has caused the fracture in the family rather than us we are happy to spend time with her at her parents she is the one still throwing her toys out of the pram. She doesn't want her parents to have a relationship with DH and our DC - she never has.

It's not rocket science. She is toxic and you can't change her behaviour so the only option is to cut contact. Delete her on Facebook, stop seeing her so much - stick to special occasions with the whole family including your parents. This means spending much less time with your neice, which is sad, but in reality you can't really have a relationship with with her without having a relationship with your sister - and to be brutally honest I'm not sure it's worth it.

Sorry that you're not able to have children yourself Have you considered other options such as adoption?

The more of your posts I read, the more I think you should take a big step back, not just from your dsis but from your parents too. Your whole family set up sounds pretty toxic tbh and your DF at least seems to to be continuing the old golden child/scapegoat dynamic. Were you the less favoured child when young as well?

Yeah I was always the scapegoat, she was always the Golden Child. However I have achieved more in my career, which they're proud of and I'm sure it grates on her when they boast about me and my achievements (which aren't that great, but still).

I can't bear boasting of any kind, and I don't like that she's made to feel like 'the stupid one' sometimes. But that dynamic has continued into adulthood and she resents me for it I'm sure.

Conversely, she has had a child, and sees DPs more frequently because of that, and because she lives close to them in town whereas I live 20 mins away out of town. She desperately depends on them for emotional and financial support, whereas I'm more independent. Hence they 'support' her more at the moment.

I also think there's a huge amount of pride clouding their judgement. They're very aware of what others think, and are painfully embarrassed and worried by her behaviour. But they'd never admit that.

I have a close relationship with my parents now - it was damaged for a few years by my sister's behaviour and my 'lack of support' for her. But I think we're getting past that, but whenever the thorny issue of her continued bad behaviour comes up, DM reverts to a screaming wreck, and DF defends her and makes petty jibes at me.

Yes, it's an overly involved relationship full of triangulation and projection. I won't go NC with them - I seriously considered it a few years ago and couldn't do it to them. But I can distance myself quite easily yes.

"Yes, it's an overly involved relationship full of triangulation and projection.
I won't go NC with them - I seriously considered it a few years ago and couldn't do it to them"

Your parents have never considered what damage they have done to you and in turn your golden child sister. Hers is also a role not without price but she is unaware of that.

What boundaries do you actually have with regards to your sister and parents; I doubt very much whether you have ever been encouraged or allowed to have any. You certainly need to further distance yourself mentally as well as physically from these people. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are really no different.

Your above comment may well simply be the guilt part of your own FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) talking.What has happened in your family of origin is very typical of narcissistic family structures.

Have you ever had counselling to discuss your family dynamics and the impact on you? I think it could be very helpful.

You should also take a look at the Stately homes thread if you haven't already.

Yeah I thought about counselling a while ago, when it was really bad. But things got a lot better and I didn't think I needed it any more. I've never had counselling and I stupidly feel like there would be a stigma attached. I also have no idea where or how to go about it.

I've seen the Stately Homes thread. Trouble is, if I'm posting about the issue (like now), it becomes even more all consuming and more difficult to forget.

I've just spoken to my Mum, and I managed not to mention my sister, so that was good. I'm seeing DM and DN tomorrow evening, so hopefully we can have a nice chat without my sister's drama coming into it.

What boundaries do you actually have with regards to your sister and parents; I doubt very much whether you have ever been encouraged or allowed to have any. You certainly need to further distance yourself mentally as well as physically from these people.

My sister used to control me very much. This changed when I got married, although she was still very close and dictated a lot about my life. However, that completely broke down when we fell out, and I went through a sort of grieving process, and came out the other side having realized just how controlling she had been. DH has been wonderful and continues to be my voice of reason and unfaltering support. He also gives me the separation that I need - I left the street on which my parents live when I moved in with him, so there is physical distance now as well as a little more head space.

Seems like sibling rivalry to me - the sort that the parents help to create and maintain.

Both of you looking for errors and short comings in the other etc to make you each feel good

Saying the woman is a lazy parent - well she works and has a child - that is not lazy

I think you are jealous. I'm not saying she isn't responsible for some of the ill feeling but I think you are all feeding the dysfunction in one way or another

My Sis said something nasty to him, so he said "Dont forget I've helped you out lots, and I know lots about you, stuff that TruffleHeart doesn't know". It was said for my benefit, but also for the benefit of those around us

wtf? Your parents are playing games and frankly, I think they're playing you off against each other.

He bails her out financially constantly, and if I say anything, he tells me that it's not her fault she has no money ......My parents announced last week that they want to buy her a house,

Ok, you know that by doing all this your parents are actually actively encouraging her behaviour?

Actually from the outside you are the lucky one. Your sister is behaving badly and the -only- way she will change is if someone says No More to her (though as an adult it may be too late already).

You on the other hand stand on your own two feet, do not expect handouts, you aren't dependent for survival on your parents and I think you will come out a lot better by the time your parents are no longer around. The Golden Child often has it very bad because they can't see what is good behaviour and bad. The Scapegoat lives with a lot of pain, but they're often the ones who have the clearer vision and the chance to establish their -own- lives.

Just how far does this pattern go?

About counselling, therapy is probably better. the BACP has a list of registered counsellors/therapists. If you don't click with one, then don't feel obliged to stay with her / him. The click is very important.