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Original poster

so why is it that family, esp grandparents, seem to think that they hae immediate access rights to your baby as soon as it is born?

71 replies

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/02/2007 16:34

just musing really. There are so many threads on here about people whose parents/ILs want to come and see the baby almost the second it is born, without any consideration for anyone else.

I remember when my own ds was born my parents saw him straight away, ILs came to see him the day after, and parents visited daily, sometimes 2/3 times a day, and my mum would just snatch him off me no matter what I was doing with him. My mum even turned up unannounced with some colleague of hers from work who I'd never met before.

so why is this?

and will we all learn from the experiences and not be so interfeering/pushy when our children have their babies?

OP posts:
Original poster
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/02/2007 16:36

oh yes, and my mum also rang me up one day and asked "so how is my baby". to which I replied "I'm fine thank you very much" .

And my sister told me that my mum was his grandmother and that she had "rights".

but all changed when my sister had her own ds and she suddenly realized where I was coming from

OP posts:
aDad · 02/02/2007 16:38

we asked DP's mum not to come to hospital on the day of the birth of DD1 after a difficult birth.

She came.

bogwobbit · 02/02/2007 16:40

Personally, I think it's understandable that parents want to see their grandchild soon after it's born. I actually think I would be a bit hurt if they didn't want to.
In saying that, they've got to show a bit of tact and common sense. One visit's fine but two or three times a day, er no that's too much. And as for inviting complete strangers in and snatching your baby off you. Definitely not.

purplemonkeydishwasher · 02/02/2007 16:40

Oh YES wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe! the "my baby" thing.

I just want to scream "ACTUALLY HE'S MINE!!! (and dh's too i guess)"

shimmy21 · 02/02/2007 16:41

but don't forget there is a good side to this too. I was desperate to show off my gorgeous babies to my mum. She is the only person I can freely boast to about how talented, good-looking etc etc my boys are because of all the people in the world (apart from dh) she loves them most. If she lays claim a little I am only pleased that there is someone to share a bit of the hard work as well as the joy.

bogwobbit · 02/02/2007 16:41

Also, although I was (relatively ) pleased to see my pil after dd3 was born, it did freak me out a bit that they were lurking around the hospital for about 3 hours while I was still in labour

clayre · 02/02/2007 16:43

i never saw dd face till she was about 6 months old, all i could see was the back of my mums head, she was always in dd
face.

lulumama · 02/02/2007 16:44

i think it is just so exciting.....i think some decorum and respect is needed, but i enjoyed having my family there.....ASAP

but then we all get on really well, i think that makes a difference, and they wouldn;t think of interfering or grabbing the baby off me!

i also made it very clear to family and friends that if they offered practical help i would expect it to be done ! so if you say, can i do the shopping, i will say yes !!

Freckle · 02/02/2007 16:47

But it's perfectly understandable. It's the continuation of a very special gene pool (well, diluted by the other parent's side I suppose ).

Also it's your child's child and you want to see as soon as possible how shattered, exhausted and completely thrown they are by the whole experience. Tee hee.

bigknickersbigknockers · 02/02/2007 16:51

My SIL wanted to come round the minute I got home from hospital. I came home the same day at about 6 pm and when we said no she very quickly ended the phone conversation and has never been to see DD since

DD is 1 yr old now and it still makes my blood boil when I think about it. We have 2 other children the youngest one was only 19 mths old when DD was born and we wanted him and our other DS (5yr old at the time) to have time to get to know the new baby but she seemed to think we should consider her feelings over those of our children.

tallulah · 02/02/2007 16:51

Yes, this was the bit I really hated. With the first one, DHs aunt came to the hospital 4 times in one day- first with MIL then with her DD then on her own and then with her friend I can't stand seeing the woman once!

With the second I came home from hospital to find a full house- grandma was looking after us and had invited the ILs to tea.

It actually spoils those first couple of days when you just want to be left in peace to struggle with bfeeding and sit quietly.

My ILs (who are local) also visited every time in the evening and would just sit there until 10.30... DH couldn't see what the problem was..

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 02/02/2007 16:54

My MIL never saw either of mine until they were 3-4 months old, and FIL never even saw DD2 (he died suddenly when she was 10 months old) - never even bothered to come to her christening. I found that a bit upsetting, like they didn't care that much - they made excuses but I don't know why (and DD1 was their first grandchild). So I's be grateful they are interested, even if you do feel like having your own space. I do understand though, because when MIL comes to stay, I often find her quite intrusive, and sticking in her two penn'orth, which is usually in direct conflict to my own leanings. But that will always be so, not just when your DCs are newborn.

pointydog · 02/02/2007 17:05

New babies are so damn exciting! I'm already getting very very excited at the thought of my sister possibly having a baby in the next two years. To hold it... aahhh.

As an aside, my bil's brother had a baby recently. Gps went to see it and weren't allowed to hold her . The baby was 9 days old but they were sticking so strictly to some ridiculous feed and sleep in own bed in own room routine that no one could see her properly, let alone hold.

I know new mums need some peace. But babies are big events in all the lives they touch. Or should be.

franca70 · 02/02/2007 17:05

I think I'm the only one who can't see where the problem is - provided - of course - that you have a good relationship with your parents and inlaws.
I had my first baby in Italy (where we are from) and all set of granparents were there. He was their first grandson, and it was lovely to be together to welcome him into the world. If I hadn't had my family and friends around in the first few days I would have gone mad. Dd was born in england, and only my mum was here. It didn't feel right not to have my family and friends around.

oranges · 02/02/2007 17:07

Mine only realised how exhausted I was from all the visitors when ds was readmitted to hospital for dehydration because they ignored my pleas to go away and let me feed him. They've been the model of tact ever since!

Tommy · 02/02/2007 17:10

I think you have to respect the new mum's feelings though surely? When my SIl had her first baby, my britherw as trying to be really good and do what the books suggested - keeping loads of visitors at bay and suggetsing times they could come and so on and my mum said "I'll visit when I like thank you - it's my grandson"

It's all very wearing I seem to remember

When DS2 was born I had DH, DS1, my parents, my ILs and my 2 sisters all arrived at the same time to visit me in hospital

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/02/2007 17:16

I didnt have this problem. Was so excited to see my family and DP's family and show DD off.

With DS I had been in hospital for a day or two before he was born. My parents didnt visit until 2 days after he was born (was still in hospital). I was quite upset that they didnt visit before then. The excuse being that they had to work. Yet, my mum got the arse because my brother and his girlfriend came to visit the following lunchtime (DS was born at 8pm the night before) and didnt ask her if she wanted to come along. DP's parents came to visit quite quickly after.

I was glad of the company. I was stuck in a hospital with a newborn who cried every 25 minutes.

pointydog · 02/02/2007 17:19

Yeah, vvv, I wanted more visitors too! No matter what happens it can be a bit tense.

sis · 02/02/2007 17:19

Um, because babies are lovely and ones you are related to are particularly lovely and they just can't wait to see this wonderful new person?!!

Twiglett · 02/02/2007 17:22

its the continuation of the species

what I find sad, and I am as much to blame for this as anyone, is that we see it as interference when originally it was the support network that came into play with a new generation

we have lost our intimate relationships and replaced them with strangers on internet sites and experts writing books

we have lost our ability to share our personal joy with our parents

we have fallen into a lack of respect and resentment

its sad but I do think there's probably no way back ..

a family unit is now 2 generations in the main .. 2 generations until the 2nd generation grows up .. and then it will probably be 1 generation .. that's us .. alone

compo · 02/02/2007 17:24

I think it's because life is fricking dull and a new baby is a highlight in a grey world

elastamum · 02/02/2007 17:24

No idea. My inlaws turned up at the labour ward before DS1 was born! They had driven 300 miles to be there. i made DS show them the baby so they would go home and leave me in peace. The midwives were not impressed

compo · 02/02/2007 17:25

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elastamum · 02/02/2007 17:26

i was quite happy to have visitors, but not before I'd made it out of the delivery suite

oranges · 02/02/2007 17:26

but that's the problem twigg - we've lost sight of how to be helpful, so we hang around upsetting the new mother, instead of giving her a hug, leaving the baby with her and quietly popping a casserole in the oven.