Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

so why is it that family, esp grandparents, seem to think that they hae immediate access rights to your baby as soon as it is born?

71 replies

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/02/2007 16:34

just musing really. There are so many threads on here about people whose parents/ILs want to come and see the baby almost the second it is born, without any consideration for anyone else.

I remember when my own ds was born my parents saw him straight away, ILs came to see him the day after, and parents visited daily, sometimes 2/3 times a day, and my mum would just snatch him off me no matter what I was doing with him. My mum even turned up unannounced with some colleague of hers from work who I'd never met before.

so why is this?

and will we all learn from the experiences and not be so interfeering/pushy when our children have their babies?

OP posts:

fizzbuzz · 04/02/2007 21:45

I agree with www. The world goes mad when you have a baby, and everyone wants to see it, esp new grandparents.
I think it's nice that they want to see it.

I don't think they should invade, and think if they stay they should make it easier for you, by helping etc.

As I said before, it is a fantastic feeling to have everyone going gaga at the baby you've produced.

cat64 · 04/02/2007 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Earthymama · 04/02/2007 22:24

I agree with how Twig put her POV, though I think it's down to personality as usual.

My mum came to stay with me for a week after each of my children were born, as she lived 250 miles away and wanted to help.

She was fab, but my MIL bossed us all around, with the best of intentions. AND she cleaned my cooker as I was such a dirty girl in her opinion!!

I've been with my DD for all 3 of her births; I loved it, some of the best experiences of my life. I try just to do what I'm asked when they get home, make lots of tea, play with the older children etc.

I've got to say the love I have for those children is so intense, I hope you can try to understand, it seems innate. I've been to see my 2 day old great nephew today, and the sense of welcoming him to our family is very strong. (Also he is gorgeous!!)

NorksBrideOHara · 04/02/2007 22:25

Visiting is lovely. Help is nice. But...

my in-laws arrived before I left hospital and stayed with us for almost a week. DH had 1 day with just me & DD1 before he went back to work (and it was long hours back then so very little baby-time during the week). It was hard work having guests in the house. They didn't give any practical help - like feeding the dog or doing the washing. I had to keep sneaking off to breastfeed because I didn't want to get my norks out in front of FIL. And MIL was full of crappy 1950's advice like 'scrub your tits with carbolic before letting the baby get near them'. It was bloody awful.

Sorry for ranting. This subject gets me everytime.

(oh, and I made the carbolic bit up, but you get my drift...)

Sakura · 04/02/2007 23:37

LOL at crappy 1950s advice`. SO true. My MIL laughed down her nose at me because I thought a carseat was necessary.
My mum is miles away in another country, but MIL is just down the road. She tried to turn up while I was in labour but luckily I had just given birth. She grabbed the baby and ran away into the next room(?) Midwives had to call her to "bring the baby back". She ran back in with DD and tried to hand her to the midwive. The midwife said "err, no not me" and gestured in my direction. THEN she got it.
But to be honest, I have never seen that face of hers looking so happy in all the time I have known her. So I could forgive her for that.
BUT then she came every day to my house. No way, not next time. Not worth it.

shonaspurtle · 04/02/2007 23:56

They were very strict with visiting hours in my hospital which was great - I really looked forward to them but dh & I had loads of time with ds to ourselves as well.

When I got home my lovely sil always came bearing soups & casseroles etc for the freezer & my mum would pack me off to bed while she held ds (and also cleaned my fridge!)

Bliss!

dejags · 05/02/2007 05:31

The best way around this is not to tell anybody when you are in labour.

That way you can announce the new baby's arrival at your leisure and it normally takes visitors at least a day to organise themselves for a visit.

It's also easier to say that you would like a few days peace before visitors in a nice way.

I can remember feeling very put on when my god-daughter was born (her parents didn't take calls or really see anybody for a few days). I didn't have children then, so I couldn't see that I was being silly. All I knew was that I wanted to see my lovely GD and thought her mum was being selfish. My intentions were good though.

DetentionGrrrl · 05/02/2007 07:38

my parents were great- my mother said that they'd come visit when i was ready, so the came the day after DS was born for an hour. DP's family were also told to give us a day or two to ourselves, then visit for an hour.

DP's father kept trying to just turn up (when i was b/feeding, when he'd just gone to bed......) unannounced which drove me mental, but SIL told him he had to ring first to ask he could come over, and he does now.

OrmIrian · 05/02/2007 11:05

"I think I'm the only one who can't see where the problem is - provided - of course - that you have a good relationship with your parents and inlaws. "

I don't see the problem either. I loved it. Part of my joy in having my babies was that I knew how much my family would love it too. I'm proud that they love my kids and want to be with them. I couldn't wait for them to come and see my babies. My fil had died when I was pregant with my first child and to see my mils face as she held her new grandson in tears was so moving.

Lizzylou · 05/02/2007 11:10

My MIL didn't snatch DS2 off me like she did with DS1, I think that is because I told my DH that if she did I would slap her hands away......

I was really bothered by it with DS1, and felt too helpless to complain but with DS2 I was more aware of our needs as a family and more confident as a Mother, so I set the rules and the PIL's and GP's toed the line much more.

It is understandable but I personally cannot wait for SIL to have a baby so that I can crawl out of the woodwork after not contacting for months during her pregnancy and comment on how tired she looks 3 hours after a 15hr labour and then invite myself over whenever, expecting cups of tea and comparing how rough she looks day to day.

Nellycake · 10/02/2007 13:29

I went into labour at 10pm and our dd was delivered by ecs 2 days later so in all, my dh and I had been awake for around 45 hours straight by the time it was over. As dd arrived late morning, I had visitors that afternoon. I guess adrenalin had kicked in because I was quite able to cope with a string of people that day. But the following day, I felt awful (v little sleep overnight because of the noisy ward) and unfortunately, my IL's arrived about a hour after staff had forgotten to give me any painkillers (bearing in mind I'd been on morphine overnight so the pain was pretty severe). Having siad that, I was happy for them to see dd, I just didn't want anything to do with any of them just then.

The thing I disliked the most was when we came home from hospital, we had visitors nearly everyday so we never really had any time as a new family before dh had to go back to work. I understand relatives wanting to meet a new arrival asap but after that, could they give the new parents some breathing space and start visiting again when dh/dp is at work and mum could do with a hand?

FluffyMummy123 · 10/02/2007 13:30

Message withdrawn

VioletBaudelaire · 10/02/2007 13:34

I would have been delighted for my babies to have been fussed over and cherished by hoardes of adoring relatives from Day 1.
You don't know how lucky you are.

Sheraz · 10/02/2007 13:34

Maybe these people are just thrilled to have a baby in the family.

FluffyMummy123 · 10/02/2007 13:35

Message withdrawn

amynnixmum · 10/02/2007 13:38

Can't say it bothered me. I did find the phrase " can i have a turn now" when refering to holding dd a bit irritating though

jenwa · 10/02/2007 14:17

It is difficult especially with inlaws, it feels norm to have your own mum interfere but not in laws but then obvioulsy vice versa with dh. he found it hard wih my mum being there and popping in after work.
I remember dd being 6 days old and it was MIL's birthday so they came over for lunch. Firstly MW turned up and wanted to check me over and ask questions and MIL was glued to my side which really irritated me as wanted some privacy and could not understand why she could not go in to kitchen with FIL and my DH as she managed this perfectly well whilst dd had her heel prick and she "could not bear to watch" but felt ok to listen to what was happening in my lower regions! God how I am glad I never had to get my pants off!!! (would have gone upstairs if needed!)
Then my mum and sister came over and did not get the hint we were having lunch for MIL and were just all over dd then returned later whilst we were putting up units (which arrived 3 months late) and sorting stuff out and sat watching! They stayed forever and I had not eaten or had a bath and needed to feed dd and do everything else to prepare for party next day!!! I just wanted to sit with dd and relax and felt so stressed out.
Its so hard as you appreciate the help they give and how they want to see their grandchildren but sometimes you cant entertain and get on with anything and feel relaxed when they all sitting staring at the baby waiting for it to make a slight movement then jump in and pick it up!

marthamoo · 10/02/2007 14:32

There is a flip side - dh's parents didn't see ds1 until he was almost 4 months old. And then they drove the 200+ miles to visit, stayed a few hours, and drove home again (they would have been welcome to stay). I know how hurt dh was - ds1 was their first grandchild.

I couldn't - still can't - understand how they could stay away

FluffyMummy123 · 10/02/2007 14:39

Message withdrawn

marthamoo · 10/02/2007 14:49

They probably did. And, tbh, it would have been a squeeze fitting them in (we were in a 2 bed house then) and I would have moaned about it (quietly) but dh was so hurt.

JARM · 10/02/2007 14:58

My mum and dad were down visiting when I went in to have Jessica, and they came to collect me and Jessi from the hospital and stayed for a few days to help out. Im pleased mum and dad where there, especially as my mum died suddenly when Jessi was 2 weeks old.

I phoned my brother when Jessica was born to tell him, he and my now SIL drove 200 miles to see us when we got home from hospital, stayed for 6 hours and drove home again.

With Rebecca, Dad was here looking after Jessi, I got home about 5pm, and my brother and SIL came over about 6.30pm to see us all and left again about 10pm. I was happy for them to see her as we all get on so well.

None of them interfered, and even now, still see a lot of us all.

Flip

1 2 3