Am I in the wrong to feel mistreated

[BedknobsandBullhooks]

I'm in a relationship of 1 year 6 months.

My last relationship before this was with an alcoholic and was very stressful and just awful, loads of lies involved and left me in a shitty position. I am beginning to wonder what a good relationship looks like, I've never had one.

My partner now is lovely when she's lovely.When she isn't she is capable of blanking me for days
She had left some things at my house including her keys and phone charger and today I took it to her house for her having told her that's what I would do. She never replied tothat message, but when I got there was very shitty with me and didn't even say hello or thanks just took it and walked into the house. I had thought she was at work (as she didn't reply) so I had gone there first and she wasn't happy about this (she's self employed, I know who she works for there wasn't an issue with it).

Her personal hygiene isn't great and this turns me off and I have told her about it. This has only happened recently, latest episode she went almost four days without a shower.

She's generally snappy with me a lot. She shouts when she's annoyed with me. I really try to do nothing wrong but I must do.
My head is just a mess tonight. It was the same last week when she blanked me for days. I can't cope with it.

I don't knowif I am over-sensitive. She always complains of feeling unwell and promised me she woudl go to the GP (I offered to go with her) but hasn't.
I think she might be depressed. We have been planning on moving in together but this behaviour isn't for me. I am nice, I'm always nice to her I'm very rarely anything but.

Is this okay?
I know It's stupid.
Tonight she invited me over and I asked 'could you not be as shitty with me as you were earlier?'

She replied 'forget I asked'. To me that says, 'I'll be as shitty as I want you're not allowed to ask me not to be'.

For clarification purposes only as largely irrelevant, It's a same sex relationship.

At 18 months, a relationship should still be honeymoon period, hearts and flowers ;-)

Yours seems to have been stress, heartache and arguments already for months. It doesn't get any better from here.

bedknobs let us know how you are doing at some point. Wishing you well! 💐

Hi all. I am sorry I haven't had chance to get back online until now, I have been working.

She invited me round on Friday night and when I got there had bought me my favourite foods and a bottle of wine and said she had been so moody because she had planned to cook for me on Thursday night and it had fallen through because I turned up with her keys etc unexpectedly ( I had as mentioned above, told her I was coming with her things and asked if she was working or at home that day, but no reply) and then she misread the message I sent. I don't understand why that ruined things and I am unlikely to get an explanation. She said things alwasy go wrong like that for her so she was upset. It doesn't really add up to me because she also listed all the things she had got done on Friday too(errands, shopping, hairdressers' and things like that) which I found odd and upsetting given while I had been waiting to hear from her, waiting for a reply to my text and generally being worried, upset and confused she was productively going on with life and not giving me a thought.
I am going to back off. I have strong feelings for her but as everyone has said, it isn't working.Thanks for affirming what I thought elspath. I wasn;t being over-sensitive with that was I, It's really not a nice thing to do or to say when your partner's upset.And It's nice to read your post. I hope I can find better.
It's difficult to not contact her again because we're in the same friendship/hobby group. I like to think I am nice, and this is disappointing, greatly disappointing for me to have this happen because we always got on so well and got together quite romantically with everyone being very happy for us.

Thanks again all who have taken the time to reply to this :)

Glad to hear you are ok sorry it doesn't seem to be working out the way you would like it to. I think you are doing all the right things

Good luck xx

Thank you.

I'm overwhelmed with the support and knowledge people have brought to the thread!
My feelings were/are somewhat switched off. On Friday I didn't have my usual urge to cuddle up with her or be close in bed , things like that that usually come naturally to me :(

I'm glad you're ok OP. You do sound lovely and should have someone who really loves and appreciates you. It will happen, just not with her. 💐

I am okay just very sad. And thank you for all the compliments.

It's irritating that she seems to think she hasn't done anything wrong and it doesn't need to be talked about. I've told her I need to distance but she seems to think everything is still okay. Strange to me.

I also think you sound so lovely!
Wishing you all the best.
I am slightly worried you will be caught up in her games as you try to detach.
If she doesn't think she did anything wrong then so be it - you don't need to prove anything to her.
Just concentrate on looking after Yourself and surround yourself with people who make you feel good and encourage you to be the best and happiest person you can be.

Sorry didn't see your post until now, naked. Thank you for the compliment. I really didn't expect this. It has affected me, didn't realise how stressed out I had been with it until more recently :(

Why the sad face? How are things going now?

Crikey, whenever I think I'm having a bad day I come on here and see people's "well, golly gee, I just ain't so sure this is nice behaviour?" posts and I'm baffled. The worst thing that's happened in my marriage this week is a foil carton left out on the side - it's annoying! How far is the bin? - and that's basically as bad as it gets.

That is NORMAL. The very idea you could be sneered at, sworn at, blanked for days and NO SHOWERS?? and still think that's just a mere wobble is totally out of my realm of normal. And it should be well out of yours too.

If I got blanked I'd just delete them from the phone. And I'm not joking, I did break up with a boyfriend who got too lazy to shower and told him precisely why. Feelings schmeelings - you're no one's doormat, no one's verbal punchbag and you don't exist to make some shower-dodging arsehole bully feel better about themselves.

I'm excessively hung up on the shower thing. That's just not on!

Sad face because, I was really feeling very down. And I know that might sound PATHETIC given It's only a relationship but at one point or various points I really did feel very happy and as if we could have a future together, I love lots of things about her and as I said, we're from the same friendship group, we flirted a lot and it was a kind of 'thing' amongst us all that her and I would be together and when we did, it was very much a lovely thing for everyone and we all went out and had a great time. Cheesy perhaps but it was a bit like a scene from a film-everyone knew I liked her and she me but we never admitted it and then one day we did and it was such a happy time. And I never saw the nasty side of her and never thought I would. Plus, I am really not great at being talked down to. Believe it or not in other areas of life I am quite an assertive (but not aggressive!) sort of person who doesn't tend to 'Take Shit'.

I thought we would be great together and I admired her and grew to fall in love with her and then this happened and I was confused and upset and bewildered I suppose. I feel a bit better now, I've cut her off to an extent although we've not split up as such- I did tell her I didn't want to carry on as outlined above, and she got very upset so I said look, I can't deal with the way you've been treating me so I am going to back off. Not much reaction from her. I've been without her company for the best part of a week now and I feel okay. I've been enjoying 'me' and haven't text or rang her and just worked and slept and not thought much about it. I thought I would feel worse for longer, but yes I was sad.
Rambly post, sorry. I just finished work and am shattered :)

Kendu that post really, really made me laugh!! I know it isn't funny as such but thank you. It did :)

Also, the showering thing, as I said I gave the benefit of the doubt that she may be depressed. I don't think I am depressed and I don't want to undermine anybody who is or ever has been BUT, I have had very down periods in life and I've never not kept myself clean so It's hard to understand. I have a large comfy chair in my bedroom and I actually almost went to sleep on it on the third night she hadn't showered or bathed because frankly, she wasn't nice to know. I can't get my head around why someone would think that was okay. Surely any adult would smell a bit after so long and know they would? Am I being naive? I have gone for a day before now if I wasn't going anywhere or seeing anyone and was shattered from work, or was very ill. But any longer? No.

I'm so glad you are distancing yourself from her, OP. I was a bit shocked at all the people making excuses for her behaviour at the start of this thread and asking you to be more understanding.

I really have tried to be understanding to her needs and feelings. Even before I came to the conclusion that she might be suffering from depression. It just popped into my head one day, not sure why. I think I am quite an easy going person by nature and try to find a reason rather than have a go at someone for not fitting into my 'norm' if that makes any sense?

But I am quite happy that I feel okay having distanced. It may sound weird but I thought I would feel a lot worse?

I think this relationship is abusive. People up-thread who have mentioned things like co-dependency and the push-pull techniques of control are spot on in my opinion. Just as a matter of interest, what keys did she leave behind for you to chase after her with? Were they the keys to your place?

I think you need so much distance from her that it could be called "putting an end to this". Analysing a situation whilst you're in it doesn't always offer true answers because the inner bias is still to remain and cope - via "understanding." It's a kind of false logic urge that's based on staying put, if that makes sense.

I'm glad you've established some distance from her already but I'm kind of hoping that as you feel better and better (being YOU again) you'll increase it to include the words "enough of this shit already."

They were her house keys. I wouldn't have seen is as so important to get them back to her otherwise. I may he misunderstanding Co dependecy (I've never really understood it fully if I am honest! ) I thought previously it was a term coined for when one person in a relationship was addicted to something and I know now it isn't always to do with that, but here I am not sure what I could be co dependent on. It certainly wasn't meant to be that way. It began as very much fun, loving and happy. Which I guess is why I am so confused.
I have to see her at the weekend. I'm not sure how to be or how I'll feel. This makes me so sad really, naive (again! )but I keep thinking why couldn't she just be nice to me like we were in the beginning?

It is awkward that you are in the same social group, OP, but I don't think that is a good enough reason to remain in an abusive relationship.

I'm trting to get my head around the notion it is/was abusive :( and qondering what to say to people in our social group. :(

Sorry for typos

When someone describes you as sensitive, it can be their way of telling you they expect you to just put up with all the shit they throw at you.
You are walking on eggshells, this relationship has signs of being abusive. Please find someone else who treats you well, makes you happy and who deserves you. This is definitely not what a good relationship feels like.

Bedknobs To help you understand, certain types of personality get off on being nice to you in the beginning, causing you to fall in love with them. Not long after they start to abuse the goodwill and trust that we naturally feel towards our romantic partners, by being cruel to you for their own entertainment. All the time you spend trying to 'understand' them, 'work on the relationship' and get things back to how they were when you first fell in love rewards their chronic need for attention, and their chronic need to have you dancing to their tune. It's deliberate control and manipulation, since she uttered those three special words that make you putty in her hands - "I love you".
Be kind to yourself and move on without ever looking back. You did nothing wrong. It was never you, it was always her and it was always about her getting what she wanted - namely, you as her puppet. For her fun.

Of course it could just be that this woman is totally self-absorbed and lacking in empathy, incapable of imagining how the way she is acting affects you. Frankly yuck!

Keeponrunning and others have it bang on.
You are too good for her OP.

Thank you for replying all. I'm sorry I keep going on and on!
keeping when she first said that it was very early on and I was actually quite apprehensive! Thought it wasn't something I felt quite ready for. But I did fall in love eventually
I already loved her as a friend.

Thanks for the detailed reply. I guess I knew people do abuse others, I've seen it happen to friends :( it just seems so weird this one as we were friends before and gradually became closer, you know, I knew her! Obviously I didn't.

I go from one day feeling okay as detailed above to then feeling upset and hurt. She asked me over last night and I said no. I'm a bit scared of her now. Not that I think she would ever physically hurt me but just, I know how bad she is for me if that makes sense.
atenco, yes could be :( could drive myself mad looking for reasons though I suppose.

I don't know what to say to her at the weekend. I can't even figure acting like her friend again now.